Friendship has run its course?

I would be concerned that there is no actual evidence that the message was from your friend.
One of the many negative impacts of Lockdown is the deteriorating relationships between two people forced into isolation with each other for a very long period of time. Other clues also suggest that this could be a case of husband controlling her.
Or a slightly kinder interpretation could be that she might be showing signs of the beginning of dementia and husband does not wish this to be known.
Either way, it will be very difficult for you to find out. If you Google 'coercive control' you will find lots of information, such as
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Interestingly they give a list of signs that this may be happening and the first one is that the person is being isolated from friends and family.
I wonder if you have any mutual friends with whom you could share your concerns? I think it's very difficult to find a way of helping, but at the same time I would be very worried about her.

Daisymae

While it could well be her husband, you have actually spoken to her in lockdown so really there's nothing much you can do. I would be inclined to let it lie.

And a coercove husband may have been standing behind her while she spoke

During this lockdown period, many women (and a few men, it has to be said) have been stuck marooned almost, in the house with an abusive partner. Although you've known her for 20 years, perhaps that's a side of her relationship that she's not been willing to share. Sharing the same email address suggests (to me) that he is possibly controlling - he can see who she gets emails from. The messages in the past which have seemed strange could be that he's dictating what she can and can't do. And it could be him who wrote that last email. My advice: do nothing. If you contact her again, and he is using coercive behaviour, it could reflect badly on her. Having once had a controlling partner in the past, I feel that this scenario is a strong possibility.

Was it actually her writing? It could be mental matters that she does not want to tell and her husband is covering for her.
Or I had a friend who emailed every day without fail. It suddenly stopped for months then she emailed and confided a very big family secret and since then I get the odd email. She just did not know how to tell me, but it has harmed our friendship.

I would imagine - like someone else - that there is something going on in her life that she doesn’t want to share. A real friend would never do this to you - probably not the friend you thought she was. Chin up - someone who does that is not worth your kindness and friendship. Xx

Quite some time ago we lived abroad and your friends become almost your family. I had a friend who suddenly stopped coming round, wouldn’t answer my calls and basically cut herself off from everyone. I was however the only one who got a you’re dumped letter - a not even spellchecked letter and she was a top secretary! - telling me I’d never been a good friend and listing all my flaws. These were twisted versions of what had actually happened in my eyes.
We took our kids to the same childminder and she would blank me there. I can’t tell you how much this really hurt. We left the country and returned back to UK - as she did a year or so later.
Fast forward about five years and my mum (who she had kept in touch with) told me that she had been asked for my details as this woman wanted to get back in touch.
I contacted her myself and basically she told me that her behaviour had been down to depression she was suffering at the time and her counsellor had suggested she get in touch to tell me this. I felt this was part of her healing and did nothing for me at all. I could never be her friend again as the trust had gone but I also didn’t want to stop her recovery. This resurrected the hurt I’d felt. We sent Christmas/birthday cards after that and the odd phone call but that was all really.
Another five years or so and I had a work reason to visit her area and phoned suggesting meeting for coffee. We met up and cleared the air and had a really good chat. I could never again be her friend however and nowadays there’s not any contact but I felt that last meeting was necessary.
I’m wondering therefore if there’s a bit of depression here - perhaps set off by or intensified by the lockdown. Whatever this is, it isn’t caused by you or anything you have or haven’t done.
I would suggest acknowledging her contact and saying that it’s a shame that she’s ended it this way but that perhaps at some stage when lockdown ends it might be nice to meet for a coffee if you’re in the area. Leave it unpressured. If there is coercion or depression then it’ll be good for her to know that there could be contact. But it would also be good for you to have your closure.
But in no ways is any of this your doing. And the good thing is that this gives you longer to spend with the friends who do value you! ?

It seems very odd to me that she chose to communicate by email in these days of WhatsApp text etc . Is there any other way you can just send a fair enough but I’m still here when all the madness of lockdown is over kind of message without her husband seeing it ? Lockdown has affected people differently and some rather oddly myself included!

I wonder if there could be something she knows/has happened that you are not aware of that she cannot bring herself to discuss with you.

Acornfairy I really feel for you, so sorry, when a friendship runs its course there is often a much more gradual drifting apart that doesn't hurt quite so much.
I had to distance myself from someone who,
I finally realised, had been subtly undermining me for years but I just took it until I saw her in her true light. It was sad, but of its time. Drifting politely was the gentlest route.
But an email like that is pretty brutal, and actually, abruptly rude. Like others, I am also a bit suspicious about who it was actually penned by, I wouldn't dream of sharing an email address with my husband, but we're all different.
I hope you can leave behind the hurt and find new friends who wouldn't behave in such a way. Maybe there's someone genuinely kind and fun just waiting round the corner.
By the way, love your title, I am a fan of anything to do with oak, think it's a Celtic thing!

If she was a bosom buddy and you are feeling disquiet then I would approach via a side door such as her children or siblings. If it turns out she's either ill or being bullied you may feel forever guilty if you do nothing.

It's difficult when friends don't have their own email address. I correspond with a friend who moved house, and I really resent that the email has to go through her husband first. I find that one is always guarded in what one says.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt Acornfairy. I was "frozen out" by someone I considered a close friend too. I was hurt and a bit annoyed, as I felt I had always been there for her during her many problems, she would ring anytime to unburden herself.
I have moved on now, but can understand your hurt.

Do you really mean that every time you met you talked about your children. Really? Honestly?

Everyone has been on the side of the OP.

Just maybe there’s another side to this story ??

As mentioned, does she have any wider family you could contact to express your concerns. 'Her' behaviour does indeed sound rather odd, as though there is more to it than meets the eye.
My husband had a friend whom he'd known since the age of 3. We were great friends (or so we thought) with him and his wife and they were/are both godparents to our daughter who is now in her early 30s.
Quite suddenly, without warning, my husband received a message from his friend, around 15yrs ago, saying the 'friendship had run its course, dont contact me again, just let's leave the friendship with the memories we have'. DH wrote letters back and contemplated turning up on their doorstep, even getting as far as the end of their road one day, they lived around 35 miles away.
This couple couldn't have children but desperately wanted them and I often wonder if that was a factor in the decision as everytime we saw or spoke to them, naturally our talk was of our 2 children. Such a shame as our daughter hasnt heard a word from them so has 'lost' two godparents who were always incredibly kind.
Nowt so queer as folk, as the saying goes.

That’s a brutal message with which to end a friendship, but I don’t think there’s much you can do, in practical terms, to find out if her husband is controlling her friendships.

I have a very long friendship which seemed to be fizzling out because my friend started dropping arrangements we’d made to see each other at the last minute, often on the basis of ‘So-and-so has asked me to go shopping with her, and I’d rather do that’. I thought she’d got bored with me when my health made it difficult for me to get out and about and do things with her. This upset me a lot, being dumped is never pleasant. But I then started to re-evaluate the friendship, and wonder if I had a bit too rosy a view of my friend. She was someone I thought was always ‘there’ for me, but after having arrangements we’d made changed on what seemed like the flimsiest of reasons, I started to see our friendship in more realistic terms. She is a person who likes to have a wide range of friends and the opportunity for lots of social outings, and I just wasn’t really fulfilling that role in her life.

I was never dumped by email, I’m glad to say, and as our lives moved on, the friendship revived a bit, with much lower expectations on my side!

It could well be that circumstances in your friends life have changed.
Why does it have to be yourself that is responsible?
She may not want to discuss her reason, that has led to this decision. A brief reply that you will always be there for her . Leave it at that and move on.

Acornfairy, I am sorry to hear that your friend of 20 years has sent you such a blunt message ending your friendship. It has happened to me too and it is cruel and it hurts. How can she throw away 20 years of friendship? the good times and bad times shared? I do agree with some of the others here that the email could be from a jealous husband. I have experienced the same with friends' husbands who try to break up my friendships using subtle ways. My ex husband too was the same. Very controlling and possessive and hate me going out to see my friends, even one day blocking the door so a friend I have known since my teens would not come into the house! I could not believe it. But it happens. Your husband is probably feeling very vulnerable at the moment and just wants you for himself! So please get to the bottom of it and find out the reason for her email. Send your friend a nice card. I would cellotape the envelope so he cannot steam it open to check who has sent it. It is difficult making friends these days and old friends who know you well are to be treasured. Good luck.

I had a close friend who lived in the same village. We were both widows and saw one another most days, went on holiday together several times. Then after a short illness she decided to,move back to Kent where she had lived most of her life previously. Since then I rarely heard from her. Just the odd postcard or Christmas card. She is not on the internet. I do phone her but she never calls me.

I had a friend for 15 years who did this to me. She used the excuse of my divorce not to contact . To be fair she had been distant for a while. I am still friends with her husband and he said she did this got bored with people and ended friendships. I would say hard as it is just move on. Nothing can be gained from prolonging the agony.

It's a shame to lose a friend but as long as there's nothing sinister behind it such as her husband bullying or isolating her I wouldn't worry too much. Sometimes we lose that common thread because we move on with our lives. You're bound to mourn your loss but there are other people with whom to make friends.

Of course the thing is that if it did come from her husband now it will seem like you ended the friendship, cut off all ties in a cruel way so you will be guilty party. I don't think you can leave it. you need to know one way or the other . Once you have found out then at least you know there was nothing more you could have done. Does she have a mobile phone ? Ring her . She said she didn't want phone calls but at least you will have a chance to discuss it and you will know one way or the other . She can do a number of things, put the phone down, tell you she doesn't want to discuss it OR sound surprised if it was her husband. You need to know.

Very odd and rather sad but better to feel bemused than bereft. She certainly doesn’t mince her words. Put it behind you. You’ll never get to the bottom of it.

So sorry to hear this. I don’t understand this at all, which makes me think she has either got some mental health problems or her husband has. When you don’t want to be friends with someone, you usually have a good reason. I find it strange that they use the same email address. I wouldn’t have any reason to share emails with my husband. Unless one of them is not IT savvy? I suggest you ask her why. Can you text her? Or send her a card, maybe on her birthday, addressed to Mrs ......, see if she responds. This treatment of you is unkind

Does she have a habit of breaking up with friends. I had a friend like that. He had lots of broken friendships he told me about. Then one day I was dumped. I think because I got married (there had never been anything more than a friendship between us). I realised then that the broken friendships were prob a lot to do with him.

I always think sending an announcement to end a friendship is cruel and unnecessary, but she has set out her boundaries I guess. I would either leave it there, or - if you really think it is likely to be her husband - send a text saying ‘sorry to get your email, do let me know if you ever change your mind’. If you think it is from her then I wouldn’t send that. If you have a way to dig further I would!

Hi AcornFairy I would be checking out if the email has come from your friend and not her husband joking around (is he that type that would do such a thing)? If the message is from your friend I would want to know why and what had she believed I had done wrong to end such friendship.