I decided age 49 to stay single

I know exactly how you feel Nicegranny. Unfortunately I too always managed to choose the wrong men. I came out of my marriage with nothing - despite always paying half of everything as we both worked full time. I managed to work hard so I got my own home.Then I had 2 long term relationships - both who came with nothing. The first was the love of my life but went off with someone 16 years younger (regretting it later but too late by then). I hung onto my house by working 2 or 3 nights as well as my full time job. Then after another long gap I started seeing someone else who eventually moved in - his choice. After 14 years he went out one night and never came home and won't tell me why. However, in hindsight he did me a favour. He never contributed to the house so at least he didn't get any of that but still left with a lot more than he came with (he sent someone to collect his things). That's about 8 years ago and I decided, like you, to stay on my own as I will find it very hard to trust anyone again. I am capable and now retired and used to being on my own. It's been particularly difficult during lockdown as although I have good friends to talk to haven't been able to get out to do my social activities.
You are lucky that you have family to support you - for no obvious reasons I never had children but to be honest glad I only had my self to worry about when my partners left. I would love to have a special person to spend time with (I'm about the same age as you) but certainly wouldn't want to live with anyone again or get married. Best Wishes and stay safe.

I am so heartened by these positive accounts! Phew but yes we do live in a Couples culture so sometimes it looks as if it might be worth it to couple up... but really? No.
I have had two long term relationships and neither men, first my husband then the stepfather to my growing children, stepped up to the plate for them. My husband, after l parted from him, would not have anything to do with the children out of spite to me, of course he was cutting his nose off but he was right - nothing was worse for me than my children losing the love and support of their father...and that’s all he cared for, the second I chose very much with them in mind and they adored him as did I then after ten years he had an affair with someone I knew and moved on, she had a child and he became the favoured one and mine sidelined. When both these men died within weeks of each other my children were not present as chief mourners at their funerals, never publicly allowed their grief. This has caused a lot of damage which they are only now, sixteen years later are recovering from. So no I have not wanted another romantic relationship and being older they are not banging on my door so think I will stay safe. I am happier and more stable than I have ever been. We can do it ?

When I saw this thread yesterday it really struck a chord with me.! I had been married for 10years and with my husband for 12 when he had an affair whilst I was pregnant with my youngest daughter with my other daughters best friends mother. ! He left to live with her and subsequently marry her within a year. My world fell apart. I was 34. For the next 3 years I went on a few dates ,saw one man for 6 months. All very discrete as my eldest daughter had been through enough turmoil(she was 6). In some ways I think I wanted to replace what I had lost. Looking back I feel I was so young! There wasnt online dating then just local newspaper and tele text. ?. It soon felt however that men my age were either single for a reason or with issues from break ups. Life seemed complicated enough without these issues and or creating a blended family. I decided to focus on bringing up my daughters and work. I had good friends,socialised etc and although not actively seeking a relationship I was open to one. It just never happened. It probably didnt help that the majority of my workplace was female. Despite that friends/colleagues would get divorced etc and within a year or so be in a relationship or married. I just never met anyone I connected to. Sometimes I wondered if it was me . As the years went on the idea of being in a relationship seemed less appealing, I enjoyed making my own choices to much. Occasionally I have the thought it would be nice to share some things with someone but that disappears when I think how the rest of the time could be spent compromising or being frustrated.! I've coped with situations on my own,although with the support of good friends. I've until recently enjoyed solo travel. My daughters have grown up well balanced and are in healthy and happy relationships.
I'm 60 this year,along with recent events a time for contemplation. Internet dating can be a jungle,many men in my age group either want younger women or a potential carer?. I think the only thing I missed during the past years is a dual income and the security that can bring. At the moment lifes not to bad as have just started a new job that is best paid one I've ever had. My house is mine outright. I'm not totally opposed to romance but it would be totally on basis kept separate households.
Lockdown for me ,like many was hard as I live on my own and was shielding. I must admit i was grateful for my cats as it was another living creature. That said I was pretty much fine about the situation.
Maybe because I had been married, had childeren etc I felt as though I hadnt missed out. Ironically my ex husband was divorced a few years ago by the woman he left me for. She now has a new husband! According to my BIL he regrets his decision all those years ago and feels threw it all away! I didnt know quite how I felt about that. I'm happy with the path my life has taken and what I have achieved. Both myself and my daughters would have been very different people without that journey.

Married my soulmate, together for 24 yrs and married for 22 yrs when he died suddenly and unexpectedly. That was 31 yrs ago and I still miss him every day but have never had another relationship (by choice).

Of course, other people were always trying to set me up with someone as they didn't think I should live alone and would never listen to what I wanted, so if they remained persistent then I just went 'no contact' as I definitely didn't want or need anyone interfering in my life.

While my DH and I did everything together we also did some things separately as well and never put any restrictions on each other. When he was dying, he asked me to promise I would get married again while apologising for ruining my life and while this was said with much thought and love, I wouldn't answer because I would not make any promise that deep in my heart I didn't expect I would keep...and he knew it too!

Naturally we were both devastated because we had great plans but I got on with my solo life and have no desire to change. I continued to travel, go to concerts, dinner, holidays, etc all can be arranged at short notice when you only have yourself to get organised. Also, I've met some great people while travelling solo and been invited to extend a trip with them and vice versa.

Yes I can relate to this, would not ever trust anyone again after divorce and another relationship (my youngest son's Dad), put me off for life so will not be going down that route EVER again

Lots of us seem to be happily single.

I wonder - just imagine you'd never been married or had a relationship - would you still be happily single or do you think you'd wonder what might have been?

I think I would wonder.

Having children is not everyone's cup of tea but I think lots of people who don't want children might well like to think they had the opportunity or choice - let's face it; when many of us were young, you didn't have a baby as a single woman unless it was definitely an accident.

Oh my goodness Nice Granny. You haven't lived half your life yet and you're giving up. It's not easy having no-one and yes sometimes we make mistakes and choose the wrong man. But don't tar them all. There are some good ones out there. I wish I was your age again I'd be looking for someone. I had two very bad marriages - seem to go for the wrong ones. Then I met someone who I loved deeply, and still do. He returned the feelings but unfortunately for me he was married. There were reasons he couldn't leave her, and I never pushed him. But he was a good one and I lost him. So get our there and try. You'll regret it afterwards. Good luck. Karen

I'm married for the third time. In my twenties, I thought divorce only happened to other people and wouldn't affect me!
First husband had an affair with a much younger women and we divorced when my kids were 10,12 and 14. Second husband turned out to be controlling and was probably a homosexual in denial. I lost around £60,000 through my second marriage and was, with hindsight, quite depressed for a good part of the 6 years I was with him. No kids together, thankfully.
Met my third husband at work. My mum was not happy at first two choices ( although never tried to interfere), but she adored my third husband, whom I married when I was 48. We've been together around 18 years now and all the children and grandchildren love him to bits. Maybe we should all value our parents' opinions on partners more!
I think it's deciding what works for you and not feeling you have to stay single or have to find a new partner. Coming to terms with the past is a big part of it as well - not always easy as many here can testify.
If you want someone to share nice meals, concerts, walks etc with but don't want the financial/legal commitment , I'm sure there are plenty of men who would feel the same. If you're happy on your own, with no-one else to answer to, then don't feel pressurised by your children.

Nicegranny
I congratulate you on having made a life of 'your' choosing and feeling happy with that decision.
Now how ever it appears from comments made by your children. asking yourself. whatnow ?
Can you see yourself after so much independence, doing what and when, for the sake of 'having someone to come home to'.

On reading all of these posts I realised that I wasn’t alone in being single for all these years. My friends and family all gave up asking me years ago if l would like to meet someone but l started to ask myself
“should I have tried to meet someone?”
LizH13 I understand how your mother felt and l have to say that “l have let it go”. I no longer think about the fact that I had a lovely home mortgage free , how did it happen? I’ve worked way out of my comfort zone, travelled a lot and stretched my independent streak even further than l imagined l could.
Some of the posts also reminded me of the price that is often paid for a relationship gone wrong!
Nope it’s not for me l am happy single and like a lot of people “l think this lockdown must’ve got to me to even doubt myself”.
X

Sorry, why you’re doing it............

I’ve been on my own since 2006, I love it! The best thing is not having to justify or explain what you’re doing, whi you’re doing it with and why!

I’ve also had 2 divorces. Husband no:1 was a jealous controller, no:2 became an alcoholic when his business collapsed. I had another relationship and found out that he was a secret drinker, so he was shown the door too. Like others I now love my life, am happy, relaxed and carefree. My 3AC have wonderful partners and children so are all happy and settled. I have fabulous friends, always there for me and I travel the world on Singles holidays. I would never allow any man to spoil my happiness, am sure there are loads of lovely men out there .... however, I have nothing left to give to any man. My peace of mind and my freedom are far too important to me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I've been a widow for 3 years.I was building a new life before lockdown,and almost felt happy again.But I'm so lonely now.I'm 69,and couldn't imagine meeting another man,though I know women older than me who have.

I had a close friend and a sister in a similar position to yours.

The important thing is that you are happy with the choice you made.

Your children naturally want the best for you, and being in happy relationships themselves probably feel that being a couple is the answer!

Well, it isn't always.

Whatever choices we make in life, there will always be some things we could have wished were different.

The feeling that it would be nice to have someone to come home to, I remember from my single days.

When it crops up, could you perhaps have a treat of some kind you give yourself to look forward to, when your home feels empty?

Unless of course, you would consider keeping a pet of some kind? But of course that poses the problem of what to do when you want to go away from home, whenever that becomes possible again.

I’m 51 have no intentions of having a relationship again after my ex husband. He has put me off relationships ever again. I’m happy , I love being able to do my own thing, freedom !!!!!!!!!! ?

At 49 I am on my 4th marriage. Never give up on finding your soul mate (if you want to) & if you choose not to then just live your life how you want to. Most of all be happy

I have been alone for 20 years. I have gone out occasionally with men....one for a year and another for six months. Another for 3 months. I ended the relationships. I will be 70 soon. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Is 70 too old to look for that special person?

How I feel exactly. Well said.

Yes, I have experienced the same but only my holiday home abroad. I vowed the same and have been on my own since 2009. Would have been nice to have a friend but not to live with, as anything I have will go to my daughter and grandchildren. I am extremely independent and I would view any potential partner as a threat to take everything from me.

I left my husband 11 yrs ago at the age of 44 & got a divorce the following year. I had a bad marriage, he was very controlling to the stage I wasn't even allowed to get a job as he wanted me at home so he knew where I was. We had no children, I had moved away to a different country from family, friends, etc for him and lived a very lonely life. I finally plucked up the courage to leave him and since then I haven't been even on a date with anyone. He destroyed my confidence, I have been asked out on dates, but I always refuse.
My friends would love me to meet someone, saying at 55 it's too young to be on my own, but I'll not take the chance of getting another idiot. They are in couples, most on 2nd marriages and I think at times it must be nice to have someone, but it's been so long now and I'm set in my ways that I know I'll live the rest of my days on my own.
I have my own house, no mortgage and have a comfortable life that I know I will continue to have on my own.

Would monogamy be better if it were less exclusive?

I’ve been married nearly 49 years and wouldn’t change it for the world. It would be nice if he was a bit more romantic. If I attempted a candlelit meal he would assume the leccy bill hadn’t been paid.

I’ve been very close to some heartbroken women and can understand the need to wrap a protective shell around your heart, especially if you’ve suffered financially as well.

Initially the seemingly romantic love bombers must seem like a gift from above but the fall out must affect you so much.

However, A friend of a friend had a long term gentleman “friend” who she went out with several times a week. They lived separately and contributed equally for outings.

Sadly he died very suddenly and she now regrets not having a fuller life with him.

It all seems to be a bit of a lottery!

I can fully agree with you. My one marriage failed and I was divorced by my early 30s, my son was under school age at the time.
Ex husband had an affair with one of his co workers when my son was a few months old. He eventually married her.
I went out with other single parents socially, but it always seemed to be them that picked up the blokes that all became either a long term relationship or got married to. I only seemed to attract men that were similar to ex!
Tried online dating but found that many weren't the same as their profiles!
Once I found it was possible and even fun to be able to go on holiday on my own, plus go to concerts etc also solo, I just decided to stay single.
Yes there are the odd times when it would be nice to have someone male to go out for a meal or go out and about with but I enjoy having the independence of being able to go and do what I want, just about when I want!