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I decided age 49 to stay single

(54 Posts)
Nicegranny Sat 06-Mar-21 04:56:59

As a 49 year old woman having had two unsuccessful marriages l vowed to stay single. I have stuck to my decision and continued to work until until now at almost 65 and am happy with my decision. My adult children however would be happy for me to have someone in my life l think because they worry about me being alone. I will admit to missing the situation of a person to come home to sometimes but I feel that l have evolved over the years to a hermit that is more independent than ever. I sometimes wish that I could have opened my heart to love earlier but l couldn’t trust again due to the person l was last with for 15 years came into my life when he had nothing and I had a home of my own with no mortgage and he took me for my home and everything I had.
My life was so devastated that I could never trust again so l made a vow to myself never to love again. Have any of you grans experienced this ?

ShelaghALLEN Sat 06-Mar-21 05:37:36

I haven't experienced this. However, my older sister has been divorced since 1990 and she is also in her 60's. My sister has two boys with her exhusband but had lots of problems in her marriage because she lived near the inlaws. Once, her marriage ended she never trusted another man again. She was also married for more than 10 years.

My sister's situation is different then yours as my sister was a teacher and her ex-husband had a high flying career and a phd. My sister went from feeling her world couldn't get better to everything falling apart. Fast forward to 2000 and her exhusband had passed away... Fastforward to 2017 and her youngest son died at the age of 34 years old from a heart attack.

My sister is barely coping well and she lives in another country. I worry that she is lonely but I can't visit her because I watch my Adult Son that has complex needs.

Finally, I don't know if sharing my sister's story helps but I wanted to let you know that life sometimes can be unfair. I am thinking of both of you. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve.thanksthanks

Happygirl79 Sat 06-Mar-21 08:46:43

@nicegranny
I am the same as you. 2 unsuccessful marriages behind me and single again since 50 by personal choice
I LOVE it. The freedom
The total independence. I have never felt lonely as I can normally see friends and family whenever I want but lockdown has been hard. In saying that I have grabbed it and turned it around by eating much healthier foods and increasing my activity daily. 5 miles walk a day is now normal. I feel very happy with my lifestyle choices and would never want to live with a man again. My life has no chaos. It's peaceful and beautiful and has been for the past 16 years now. No regrets.

Grandmabatty Sat 06-Mar-21 08:55:37

I've not had a significant other or even an insignificant other since my marriage ended twenty years ago. I've missed being cuddled and also not having someone to share the important family events with. However, I am very contented with my lot. I enjoy making all the decisions for me and not having to consider another.

ceejayjay Sat 06-Mar-21 09:19:41

Interesting
I’m 49, just coming out of my second failed marriage. Always been in a serious relationship since 18. I’m so looking forward to being alone & have no intention of looking to meet anyone xx

sodapop Sat 06-Mar-21 09:25:45

Sounds like you had a really bad experience nicegranny I don't blame you for being cautious. There is quite an increase now in women living alone for whatever reason and many have happy fulfilled lives. Enjoy your life but don't close yourself off entirely from having a meaningful relationship either. Sometimes things happen when we least expect them.

Humbertbear Sat 06-Mar-21 09:32:03

I haven’t experienced this but I have a daughter who has chosen to stay single after a particularly bad break up in a relationship. Esther Rantzen often says that she has plenty of people to do things with. What she misses is having someone to do nothing with.

Peasblossom Sat 06-Mar-21 09:58:34

I once asked an aunt of mine if she was happy with her single life.

She said, It’s just like being married. Sometimes you like it and sometimes you don’t.

Artaylar Sat 06-Mar-21 10:14:13

My late father had a 30 year relationship with his partner on a 'together apart' basis.

They each kept their own homes, saw one another for a meal out on a Saturday, followed the local rugby team together and holidayed together - sometimes holidaying independantly of one another too. The rest of the time they did their own thing with their own friends.

They loved one another dearly, whilst also loving the independance that a relationship on this basis gave them.

Franbern Sat 06-Mar-21 10:21:52

Peasblossom - that is excellent and so true. On my 25th wedding anniversary I was in a Solicitors trying to arrange divorce. I was 'got at' by Social Services (my hubbie was very disabled), and persuaded to stop those proceedings. (Serious mistake on my part).

Stumbled along for another twelve years, when he got up and went. Leaving me in dire situation....but I survived.

Eventually I sorted out my life and began to enjoy it. Children all leaving the family home. I had younger friends who seemed desperate to get me to find another 'man'. I was not at all interested and finally had to tell them this in no uncertain terms.

For the last eighteen years I have lived by myself and really love it. Only me to consider when and what I eat, go to bed, watch on tv, etc. etc.

There have been the few occasions when I would have liked to have 'a man in the cupboard' to take out and dust down to go out to dinner or theatre with, but these occasions are very few indeed.

I am fortunate that I am in close touch with my adults children, and enjoy going to (in normal times) lots of meetings, etc with U3A, etc. However, there is no way I would even consider having any sort of relationship with any man and most definitely would never share my home with anyone.

timetogo2016 Sat 06-Mar-21 10:50:51

I enjoy being married,but when i was single i looooved it.

Nicegranny Sat 06-Mar-21 16:23:10

Thank you all for your messages and stories.
I was particularly moved by Shelaghs talking about her sister because losing a son must be the most unimaginable sorrow.

I wouldn’t even consider a relationship now as lm happy settled and content with my life. I can now see that I’m not the only one who decided to stay single and stuck with the decision. I have rebuilt my life over the years and lm looking forward to making even more happy times now I am newly retired. I have my grown up children and grandchildren and family put my 4 close friends in the mix and there’s a good life ahead of me. Yes l struggled but I made my own happiness. I think perhaps l was always meant for a single life because I didn’t even look for a relationship.
I was just thinking “did l give up on love to soon?”
💐xxxx

AGAA4 Sat 06-Mar-21 16:59:28

I was widowed at 51 and have lots of people to love in my life.

I have never been tempted to meet anyone as I was happy with just my daughter and me at first and then when she left to go to university I realised that I enjoyed my freedom too much to have a new partner in my life.

silverlining48 Sat 06-Mar-21 17:00:34

I have a long term friend who divorced in the 70s and has been very happily single ever since. She has had many opportunities over the years, but is not interested.
No family but many friends and a busy life.

Anitae Sat 06-Mar-21 17:05:25

I've been married and lived with someone else. I've had relationships which have lasted quite a few years and lately ones that have lasted a few months. I've decided now that I will enjoy my single life and won't be looking for love again. Happy to enjoy new experiences and friendship but I've had enough of romance.

LizH13 Sun 07-Mar-21 13:49:58

My mum was married twice. In a similar situation to you her second husband took her for everything. Although for many years she kept herself busy and had many good friends and times she always resented that she ended living in rented property and and struggled financially. It eventually took its toll on her mental health which was hard for my brother and I as she felt she had failed us, no matter that we always reassured her that we were what we were because of her.
Don’t close your heart to possibility but If you are happy carry on living a full life. I wish you well.

GagaJo Sun 07-Mar-21 16:16:37

I have an insignificant other, as someone further up the thread put it. He was significant to me for a few years, but let me down too many times so now, he is a minor part of my life.

To all intents and purposes, I regard myself as single and I am happy with it. I hated the ups and downs of life in a relationship. I have had 3 long term relationships, none of which met my needs. I manage to meet my needs very well, now I am on my own.

I cannot imagine what someone else could give me that I don't give myself. I love time alone, and although at times I get too much of it, it is a huge improvement on having someone around that irritates and gets in your way.

DouglasJohnsonJr Thu 11-Mar-21 15:58:05

Communication does not always mean marriage. It's always good to have someone with whom you can talk about things that are close to you or share the news. Have you thought about the format of online communication? You can look at this silver singles review. Online communication can stay at this level or continue if you so desire. Nobody forces you to let someone into your life that close. You just don't need to shut yourself up. There are people who are really better off alone, but I've met more people who would like to have a partner.

Ngaio1 Mon 15-Mar-21 09:51:21

I have been a widow for some years and would never again want a man permanently in my life. My husband was a verbally abusive bully and gained complete control of my life. This was done subtly and slowly until established as the norm. I am now free of him and his petty putting me down in front of our friends. It has taken years for my self esteem to grow back.

I would, however, like to be able to spend some time in male company, theatre visits, short breaks however. As long as i retain control over MY life I would be happy to have a relationship with another man. I think that I could recognise the signs of someone wanting to put me in my place and deal with it (and him!).

M0nica Mon 15-Mar-21 10:17:02

DD decided in her early 20s that she did not ever want to marry and before she was 10, that she didn't want children either.

She is now approaching 50, and has never changed her mind. She has lived quite happily on her own and relishes all the freedom it gives her. She has plenty of friends and an extended family she dotes on her niece and nephew.

Why do so many women define themselves by whether they are living in a relatioship or not.

Make your own decisions about what life style suits you and ignore anything anyone, even your nearest and dearest , say to you on the subject.

Grammaretto Mon 15-Mar-21 10:31:10

As a recent widow after 51 years of happy marriage I am surprised firstly by how I haven't felt really lonely yet.
I miss him everyday, particularly for the "doing nothing together" times and sharing the joys of DC and DGC but life goes on.
Secondly what has surprised me is how many people I know who live by themselves and seem happy.
I was so absorbed in my own life as part of a couple, I hardly noticed.
I hope I will now have more empathy.
My DM was a widow for over 50 years. She never remarried and said she was often lonely though she had a career and many interests. She was affected by the couple culture which prevailed. I wonder if that is still a thing? I shall find out.

Tangerine Mon 15-Mar-21 10:38:08

I have been widowed after a happy marriage.

Yes, like others, there are times when I'd like a man in my life but I can honestly say that I am happy alone 95% of the time.

Hetty58 Mon 15-Mar-21 10:58:44

Nicegranny, not the same, but I was widowed at 42 (second husband) and never felt the need to cohabit again.

It's quite strange, how others worry about us 'all alone' - when it must be hell cooped up with the wrong person, in fact, I'd be irritated, cooped up with anyone! I'm happy with my own company, content alone for most of the time.

I've had boyfriends, 'partners' etc. but enjoy meeting up - then coming back to my own little sanctuary!

Shinamae Mon 15-Mar-21 21:25:41

Married twice, won’t be a third time, been on my own nearly 30 years now and happy as Larry and I don’t miss a man at all. I do have a handyman that comes and does bits and bobs and no that’s not a euphemism!! ...😀

Elijah Tue 16-Mar-21 10:47:08

I divorced my husband of 3 yrs when I was 25 and pregnant with my third son. I concentrated on working and raising my boys their father contributed nothing to they're upbringing. I'm now 63yrs and have never had any companion. My boys have stated they wouldn't have minded if I had dated but I was too busy and by the time they no longer needed me I didn't have the confidence or patience to try dating. To be honest I miss having someone to do/go places with. I know my boys would be happier if I had someone but ...