Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

I would 'forget' her birthday next year and if she says anything, remind her that she 'doesn't do birthdays'

I think given that most of us are going through these horrible times with very little we can do about it, it’s more important that we remember these little things that are so easy to do.

A simple text or phone call would have generated a little bit of happiness. Instead someone is unnecessarily hurt which could so easily have been avoided.

I think that's very selfish. So inconsiderate no excuse for that. I don't care how "busy" ac like to say they are these days there are some things you automatically make time for. Funny how no matter how busy I was mum and dad were never forgotten seems today is very different sadly.

I was brought up from a young age to send cards. My husbands family didn’t and he was surprised but delighted when we married, that he got birthday cards from members of my family. We all know each other’s birthdays and my AC and nieces and nephews all send birthday cards. I know some families don’t and that’s fine if it’s understood as normal for them but to not send two years running without explanation is hurtful. Did she send cards to her dad in the past? Describing OP as passive aggressive for raising the fact is a bit of an overreaction and sounds as though she didn’t like being told and felt embarrassed. I would definitely let her know how upset her father was. Little tokens that we are being thought of mean a lot.

Are you and your dd on Facebook? My daughter sometimes seems to forget about us (although our 3 sons never do!) so I put a post I found on FB about parents not being here for ever. I can't find it now, but they come up from time to time. I posted it and my dd asked if that was meant for her. I asked her if the cap fitted. I think it sank in a little bit.

I was on holiday visiting my dad we were driving along the road and I mentioned I had turned 30 today. He nearly drove off the road, I was his first born.

It makes me laugh when I think about it. As for himself I used say hey dad its your birthday tomorrow. It was just one of those things. If its happened before maybe its just one of those things you have to learn to live with. Without seeming cheesy just maybe accept her love is enough.

To be honest, I do not care for any games. Children ALWAYS learn through personal experiences, never mind their actual ages. While there is a parent, there is a child.

Wait. This completely changes everything. Did he personally do anything to acknolge her birthdays? How often does he call her or text her?

Prove, sorry- hate the autocorrect

The suggestion of "forgetting" her birthday is very passive aggressive.

It would proof that the daughter is right on calling OP out in her passive aggressive behaviour

Why not deal with this in a mature manner instead of playing petty childish games?
It reminds me of my preschool kids taking the toy the other one has just because the other one did it first
Does it fix anything? No, they still end up in tears

The daughter not congratulating his father is only the red herring - a symptom of something deeper.

Dear Pumpkinpie, I am sorry about your DH being sad & hurt. Perhaps, you both can forget the next 2 birthdays of your DD? Do not send her a birthday card, do not text her, do not give her a present - nothing! And if she queries that, say you were both busy & surely the birthdays are just for little kids? It would be interesting to see how your DD would feel about not having been remembered on her birthday by her Mum & Dad. Would it finally dawn on her just how her Dad must have felt...One day, with both of you gone, she WILL remember both of your birthdays but it will be too late...

I managed to be born on a notable date. It's difficult to forget Guy Fawkes Day. Sons and GC don't need to have their memories jogged.

I have 3 children; eldest makes a big fuss of me, daughter always sends card and we meet up if we can with either families to celebrate.. then son2 always forgets birthdays and never sends a card I might get a text,,, that's just the way it is I have learnt to live with it. I still feel valued and loved by him. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean to forget, but I would jog her memory next year,, she might be upset to have just forgotten and it's possibly with all that's happened over the last year.

"Her angry response was her Dad hadn’t bothered to wish her happy birthday!! ! So the phone call , cards , presents we got her weren’t worth a mention"

May I ask how her father participates and contributes on that call, card and presents she gets for her birthday?

She did ring today & our Grandson asked what we had done this weekend. I said we had celebrated grandads birthday on Sunday. Chatted about school & then I said I thought we might have seen or heard from her to say Happy Birthday
Her angry response was her Dad hadn’t bothered to wish her happy birthday!! ! So the phone call , cards , presents we got her weren’t worth a mention
She didn’t bother with my birthday but I did get a phone call
They are very alike . Don’t believe in saying sorry.
But her lack of respect for us really hurts me. I would never deliberately hurt my friends or family but I sometimes feel as if she doesn’t care about us
Strangely they don’t have problems remembering her husbands mum & dads & families birthdays or anything else

For her next birthday buy a calendar and circle the dates! Some people just don't think it is important. My husband is one! he doesn't understand that cards and gifts need to be bought in advance and that being reminded on the day is a big deal! after 42years I guess I should just give in and accept birthdays are not what he is good at.

She seems a bit selfish but for your husband’s sake you could have quietly phoned her, chatted a bit then casually said ‘Do you want to have a word with Dad and wish him a happy birthday’.

I'm inclined to say "forget" HER birthday when it comes around. Some people are so selfish - my elderly parents would be really hurt if I forgot their birthdays, or Mothers and Fathers Day. Given you reminded her then there is really no excuse. Just a simple card, or a phone call, is all that is required - its really not much effort to make for parents and other close relatives. Maybe you should lay it on the line and let her know just how much her Dad was upset. I have no time for this 21st century "me me me" stuff - passive aggressive my ass! Time for some straight talking methinks.

I agree it would be passive aggressive to deliberately forget your daughter's birthday but it would serve her right!

I think she ought to remember. If it was once, I would say it was a mistake.

In your position, I would raise the subject calmly. A lot depends, I suppose, on your relationship with your daughter and her personality,

There is something wrong if an adult child doesn’t send a birthday card or gift to a parent, more than once ( anyone can have a blip of memory.)
It could be they attach no importance to birthdays, in which case they needn’t expect anything on their own special day,
Or they attach no importance to a parent ( for whatever reason.) It’s upsetting, of course it is and there is nothing for it but to ask your DD why it happened.It can be asked in a reasonable tone, (all this passive/ aggressive stuff levelled as an insult is just rubbish.)

This is the second time that she has ignored the birthday - why?

I get the shock of the first time happening and I wonder how that first instance was addressed (if you even brought it up to her)

How sad for your husband to think his daughter doesn’t care and sad for you to feel that your daughter doesn’t care enough to contact him. If she’s happy to accept cards and gifts for herself then it would appear that she’s being selfish and thoughtless. My husband def doesn’t do birthdays and doesn’t want cards, messages etc but he always sends to others because he knows they do celebrate and they think it’s important.

Why do we expect other people to be like ourselves?

I try to remember everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, etc. because I know how much I appreciate it when people remember me. However, I do not expect others to be like me, but just take a delight when I do hear from family and friends.

Keep to your own standards; don't lower yourself to the standards of others.

I have 2 grown-up sons and a grown-up daughter, my daughter remembers birthdays, etc, but neither of my sons bother I don't get cards for Christmas, birthdays, or Mothering Sunday no phone calls or texts either as far as they are concerned I don't exist it hurts and you never get used to it.

Janet10 Thank you so much for your wise words. They have helped me to get the poor relationship I have with my adult children into perspective. I am so grateful.