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Issues with Sons attitude and where do i go from here?

(65 Posts)
Shazboo Tue 09-Mar-21 00:17:12

Our son is in his early 30s and separated from his wife. They have a child together and are very good parents.
My issue is that after my son left the marital home, he came to live back with us. This seemed fine at first but now it's getting too much. He lost his business 2 years ago due to his behaviour and has not worked since,i know the pandemic has had an impact but he isn't trying to find work. His occupation is mechanic.
He's always been more respectful of his dad than me but now it's getting worse, he has no respect for me and undermines me.
He doesn't seem to grasp that living in our home rent free and having everything available to him, isn't what parents are there for!
Today we had a row about his treatment of me... like countless times before... and when his dad came home i broke down in tears as iv had enough. His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit, but now my guilt has kicked in and i feel I'm going to lose him.
I know its my fault and that I'm soft and my husband has always been the stern one, but he's right.
How do i cope with the guilt and knowing I've kicked him out?

Jo1960 Tue 09-Mar-21 11:37:08

I am concerned with the number of posters who suggest that @Shazboo should leave dealing with their DS to her husband; this is reminiscent of "wait till your father gets home" and will only increase her DS's lack of respect. It would be better for Shazboo to tell her son that she will not accept this behaviour and for her husband to support her to do this, rather than take over; to "amplify" rather than take over. In this way she is sending DS a message that she will no longer put up with being treated badly. I would suggest going into this meeting having some ideas of what the basic "house rules" should be and from there negotiate. If this seems too difficult then perhaps a mediation service? They may not be available in person until after the Covid crisis is over but worth a try. If all else fails then I'm afraid telling him to leave may be the only way to elicit change.

Obviously, if you think he's suffering emotionally then encourage him to see a doctor/counselling service.

cornishpatsy Tue 09-Mar-21 12:36:04

People treat you the way you let them.

Has anyone sat down calmly and told him that his attitude is not acceptable. When it comes to tears and arguments I doubt he listens but goes into defence mode.

The keyword here is respect, which he does not have. I do hope you can sort this out and have a happier future with him.

sarahcyn Tue 09-Mar-21 13:00:23

I totally understand where @Shazboo is coming from. I also have a “difficult” son aged 31 and all through his 20s people said to me “chuck him out”. He wasn’t doing any harm, never in trouble with the law, smoking his only vice - but was definitely not “launching”.
We did not chuck him out, we kept talking with him, and he turned a corner eventually.
What people do not realise: firstly as a parent @Shazboo KNOWS she’s partly responsible for his behaviour so that’s why she feels guilty; secondly that half the rough sleepers in London and Manchester are victims of the “chuck him out” brigade.

BlueBelle Tue 09-Mar-21 13:12:42

A good post saraheyn I agree

Nanamar Tue 09-Mar-21 13:21:51

Our 40 year old son recently got amicably divorced and lives with us. His ex and their four year old son live a mile away and the five of us maintain our “bubble” - our GS is often here with his dad who lost his job due to the pandemic while his ex works full time from home. Our son also has clinical depression which is a long-standing condition. My husband is critically ill and our son’s presence is helpful. He is trying to find full time work as well as advance himself in some way for the future. This said, I wanted to point out something my therapist told me when I expressed concern that our son, when in a depressive episode,
tends to sleep all day, be rather grumpy, etc. My therapist explained that when a person (particularly a male with a “family”’to ostensibly “support”) loses a job, returns home to parents, etc. it can make them revert to adolescence. Hence the surliness, sleeping all day, self-absorption, conflict about emotions, etc. I am not saying let things go on and others on this thread have offered excellent advice. I just wanted to share this perspective.

Alexa Tue 09-Mar-21 13:24:38

Shazboo, I do not think you should ask your son to leave. The best thing would be for his father to give him a terrible row about how he is not to talk to his mother like that and must talk to his mother with respect at all times.

If for some reason his father cannot be stern enough it would be good if you yourself could insist the young man talks to you with proper respect due to 1. an older woman should be treated respectfully 2. any woman of any age to be treated respectfully 3. his mother to be treated respectfully 4. the owner of the house he lives in to be treated respectfully.

He needs someone to call him to order if only for his own sake.

Kryptonite Tue 09-Mar-21 13:30:40

Quite possibly he resents the fact that he has to rely on his parents and can't support himself. And so he takes it out on you. I have seen this behaviour with young adults that I know.

MerylStreep Tue 09-Mar-21 13:33:35


Chuck him OUT. Right now. You are not doing him any favours at all and he needs to grow up,fast.

That’s a nice Christian outlook, I believe you did say that you are a Cristian, didn’t you.

EmilyHarburn Tue 09-Mar-21 13:48:00

Your son can only grow up if he leaves home and runs his own life. You need to help him to do this. I believe as your aim is to exit him from your home to one of his own you should not ask for rent.

If he is not working he needs to be signed on and applying for jobs. As he is a mechanic perhaps he could work for a mobile mechanic on a zero hours contract to start with.

If he cannot get work as a mechanic he is going to have to look at other work that is available.

As someone has said he may be depressed. He may benefit from a GP appointment and will certainly benefit from a routine where he takes regular exercise outside.

At the same time you can help him find somewhere to live and if it needs a deposit you may consider doing that for him.

I hope you an your husband can help him get on his feet and exit your home. In years to come he will be thanking you.

Good luck.

Edge26 Tue 09-Mar-21 13:52:25

Hello Shazboo,
Don't let your son make you feel guilty. He is an adult and responsible for making his own decisions and sorting out his own life not you. As Mothers we will always have some form of guilt where our Children are concerned, but he should have respect for you and not treat you like he has been doing. Your Husband is agreeing with you, he should be the one to tell your son enough is enough and he needs start making a life of his own. Good luck x

timetogo2016 Tue 09-Mar-21 14:23:18

nanna8 is spot on.
If you don`t get rid he will make you ill.
Sounds like a bully and a brat.

Tangerine Tue 09-Mar-21 14:24:26

To "chuck him out right now" is not reasonable as he cannot find different accommodation in ten seconds flat. It takes time.

I think you need to present him with a united front, talk to him firmly and set a proper time limit for him being allowed to stay with you.

If he really starts to try to look for employment and behave within your home, things could be different. Make your son see that actions have consequences.

I suspect he is depressed although that is not an excuse to behave badly but it might be the reason. Did you get on with your son before all this happened?

TrendyNannie6 Tue 09-Mar-21 14:50:49

Firstly what do you say when your son disrespects you, why are you allowing him to continue this, so what does his dad say when he hears this, or does he only do this when his dads not around! Me and my Dh have always been a united front, he doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, we would both be having several words with him,( together) you say he lost his job due to his behaviour sounds like he’s a brat needs to grow up, he needs to make a life of his own

Lucca Tue 09-Mar-21 15:00:27


nanna8 is spot on.
If you don`t get rid he will make you ill.
Sounds like a bully and a brat.

Another unkind post. The son is behaving badly but as another poster says returning to the parental home could well be making him revert to adolescent behaviour.
Unlike others I don’t believe this should be left the husband, you should all discuss it together but with the husband very much In his wife’s corner.
The man could be suffering from deprsssion and needs some kind of understanding, not “chucking out”.

Shinamae Tue 09-Mar-21 15:12:31

I found this out to my cost.....

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 09-Mar-21 15:13:04

Firstly drop the guilt, you probably won’t throw him out, at least not whilst things are so upside down, as others have said sit down with him, maybe with your DH in the next room and tell your son quietly, but firmly that you will not put up with his behaviour any more and that if it goes on you will help him to find another place to live as soon after lockdown as you can, unless his behaviour changes at once.
Incidentally what was his behaviour that caused him to lose his business? Was he violent or abusive? If so then you probably won’t be able to get him to change and in that case I would help him start looking for somewhere else to live.

Saetana Tue 09-Mar-21 17:14:37

He is taking the p* - as your husband says, set a date when he needs to move out of the house. On the rare occasions myself and my husband have moved back in with our parents - because we have moved areas, and only for a few weeks tops - we happily pay for the privilege and get out of their hair as soon as possible. You have NO reason for guilt -he is a grown man and needs to sort his life out - its no longer your responsibility! He needs to sort himself out and get a job - he has a child to support - you are doing him no favours by treating him as if he is still a child!

Saetana Tue 09-Mar-21 17:15:50

@Nanamar - your situation is totally different.

G1asgowgal Tue 09-Mar-21 18:19:45

Creating children is like baking a can put in all the very best ingredients but there nothing to say they will always turn out right.

Don’t feel guilty Shazboo your husband should be talking to him too about his attitude, and the way he treats you. Maybe he needs to see a counsellor.

mumofmadboys Tue 09-Mar-21 18:31:05

I think posters who call Shazboo's son a bully and a brat are being unnecessarily rude. It is not helpful to Shazboo. None of us like having our children called rude names. Hate the behaviour but not the individual.

Rendella Tue 09-Mar-21 18:51:47

I found myself in a similar position with my stepson. So, when he did finally move out to be with a girlfriend, I steeled myself and told my husband I would never again allow stepson to live with us under same roof again. He has now inevitably split up with his girlfriend, but there is no way I am going to put up with his lazy, selfish and disrespectful behaviour again. You need to stick to your guns on this issue.

Harris27 Tue 09-Mar-21 18:59:02

I have three sons and would help them if they needed help which of course your son did. However time has moved on and his disrespect of you needs addressing. Tell him to look for a job and find accommodation within a time limit and explain he needs to stand on his own two feet. Hard I know but it has to be done as it’s upsetting you.

Pumpkinpie Tue 09-Mar-21 21:00:11

Why are you enabling your sons abusive behaviour?Because that’s what it is .
Instead of feeling guilty you should be outraged that he seems to treat the women in his life as his subservients.
He’s a grown up , start treating him as one & stop enabling his 2nd childhood

justwokeup Wed 10-Mar-21 02:04:19

Your son has upset his wife to the point that they have separated, his mother on numerous occasions, and lost his business due to his behaviour. I believe mechanics have been fully employed throughout the pandemic as they provide an essential service so he has no reason for not working. Perhaps you both need to help your son to move on, help him be a responsible adult and regain a sense of worth. Perhaps start by charging him a reasonable rent - benefits are available for that. Then tell him he needs to provide his own meals and do all his own housework. If he is rude to you again he will have to move out. Then set him a time you would expect him to move out anyway, eg 6 months. You are providing a roof, as an adult he should be grateful for that and should be able to provide everything else. You say he is a good parent, but he is not showing any evidence of being a good example to his child.

Lucca Wed 10-Mar-21 05:52:23

Ah well Shazboo, there you are, it’s simple apparently.

But it isn’t, is it ?