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Issues with Sons attitude and where do i go from here?

(65 Posts)
Shazboo Tue 09-Mar-21 00:17:12

Our son is in his early 30s and separated from his wife. They have a child together and are very good parents.
My issue is that after my son left the marital home, he came to live back with us. This seemed fine at first but now it's getting too much. He lost his business 2 years ago due to his behaviour and has not worked since,i know the pandemic has had an impact but he isn't trying to find work. His occupation is mechanic.
He's always been more respectful of his dad than me but now it's getting worse, he has no respect for me and undermines me.
He doesn't seem to grasp that living in our home rent free and having everything available to him, isn't what parents are there for!
Today we had a row about his treatment of me... like countless times before... and when his dad came home i broke down in tears as iv had enough. His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit, but now my guilt has kicked in and i feel I'm going to lose him.
I know its my fault and that I'm soft and my husband has always been the stern one, but he's right.
How do i cope with the guilt and knowing I've kicked him out?

Katie59 Sun 14-Mar-21 10:19:49

Seriously I’d move to a smaller place, give him some of the cash you have spare after you’ve moved, make it clear he is not moving with you. You shouldnt have to but it is a solution, you will need a retirement place anyway, he will inherited in the future, give him some now.

As the economy recovers there will be work available, if he won’t do it it’s not your problem

Esspee Sun 14-Mar-21 09:20:48

As today is Mother’s Day Shazboo will know from how he treats her today whether he is likely to show any respect in the future.
Some acknowledgement of all she has done for him is in order. If not forthcoming I personally would be mapping out the countdown for his departure together with my husband and letting my son know, giving him time to get his act together.
Sometimes as a parent you have to be firm.

Franbern Sun 14-Mar-21 08:58:33

Oh dear!!! I feel that I have stepped back in time by very many decades as this is exactly what happened with my older brother, back in the 1950's. It ended so badly with he and my Dad having a dreadful row - about never giving any rent money, etc. and then a fight, with him knocking down my Dad. I can remember my Mum screaming at him to GET OUT, GET OUT. Then as he was walking down the road, giving me his Post Office Savings Book and telling me to run after him to give him that.

Was about two years before we saw him again!!!

If this man is unemployed, then he should be claiming benefits and he should be handing over a large proportion of these towards the cost of his keep. If his parents really do not need this money, they should still insist he takes it and can always (secretly) save it for him for the future.

I did this with my eldest daughter over thirty years ago for a year. She thought I was the worst of parents at the time, I had to use some of it, but saved fifty percent, gave her that lump sum when she did start to sort herself out and moved into her own place. She now has a wonderful career, beautiful home and says it was one of the best lessons she ever learned, that nothing comes free. She has always, since then, handled her money so well, even during times of serious financial hardship.

This man could be depressed - he should be persuaded to seek advice from GP. Both parents need to sit him down and talk to him together (it should not be a Dad or Mum talk). See what he thinks is his future - a mechanic should be able to get a job even at present. Perhaps, if he is in or heading for depression, it should be a part-time job to start with.

benefits money needs to be handed over, and rules laid down as to his behavior and attitudes whilst living in someone elses home.

Nothing is easy when dealing with out beloved AC. But allowing him to get away with this sort of behavior is exactly the same as allowing toddlers and small children to run riot and not correct them. In the long run, more cruel than kind.

trisher Fri 12-Mar-21 18:49:04

Mechanics are sufferng during the pandemic for the simple reason that people are not using cars so much.
Shazboo you don't need to stop being soft, just set boundaries for him to show respect. So, you can give him more love and attention than his dad does. You can do things for him and give him things, just don't feel guilty about it. Do it with joy because you can. But at the same time set boundaries for his behaviour, so if he starts to say rude or nasty things to you, leave the room. If he argues with you tell him you're not going to listen (and leave the room). When he speaks to you nicely or shows affection thank him and reward him with a hug or just a smile.
You've got set into a pattern of behaviour which isn't good for either of you. f you can help him out of it you may just find the affectionate son you really want.

timetogo2016 Fri 12-Mar-21 18:48:20

Lucca wtf.
Depressed my arse.
He`s a nasty bully end of.

Lucca Fri 12-Mar-21 18:28:40


Well if you think that`s an unkind post Lucca,what the hell is he being/doing to his parents .
Strange you think i`ts okay to be that way to the people that brought him up and took him in.

I don’t think it’s ok but we don’t know what is behind it all he may just be a throughly unpleasant man but equally he may be depressed. See my post at 09:02.

timetogo2016 Fri 12-Mar-21 18:25:21

Well if you think that`s an unkind post Lucca,what the hell is he being/doing to his parents .
Strange you think i`ts okay to be that way to the people that brought him up and took him in.

Shazboo Fri 12-Mar-21 11:26:17

Thankyou to everyone for your answers, it's hard reading but very helpful. He has kept out of my way since the last row, hopefully he will start to deal with the job and home situation. His wife made him visit the doctors and he doesn't have depression.
I'm hoping things will change soon.
Thanks xx

Alexa Thu 11-Mar-21 09:09:42

Jo1960, I understand concern about leaving family discipline to the father.

It is traditional that the father is the head of the house. Also, and more importantly the father is same sex as the son and therefore is usually the son's main role model whose judgement the son will take seriously.

Lucca Thu 11-Mar-21 09:02:44


Surprised your son is unable to get a job as a mechanic. Mechanics are usually in demand.

As others have mentioned he may be depressed and find it well nigh impossible to make himself look seriously for work.
Depression is real and debilitating and I can remember thinking I needed a loaf of bread but being unable to make myself walk to the shop.

Gwyneth Thu 11-Mar-21 08:24:49

Surprised your son is unable to get a job as a mechanic. Mechanics are usually in demand.

welbeck Thu 11-Mar-21 05:01:19

if he goes around upsetting and disrespecting people, he may never work again and may never move out.
i know of a person about the same age who did that, now nearly 60, still dragging his mother down. she wanted to downsize but he sabotaged that, by simply ringing the estate agent and cancelling the valuation visit. so she is stuck with him. i feel so sorry for her, like you tender-hearted and used.

Seajaye Wed 10-Mar-21 22:25:48

Sounds like your Son is depressed, who wouldn't be in his position? Your own family life falling apart, no job, and lockdown. No wonder he is is lacking motivation to find a job at the moment. Perhaps retraining in a new job might be a possibility. Encourage him to take responsibility for himself but I don't think withdrawing all support when he needs it will solve the problem if you would like to see you son happy and taking steps to sort his life out.

Violettham Wed 10-Mar-21 08:50:15

Broken marriage, no job could it be mental health issues only one person mentions this which I find very sad.

Lucca Wed 10-Mar-21 05:52:23

Ah well Shazboo, there you are, it’s simple apparently.

But it isn’t, is it ?

justwokeup Wed 10-Mar-21 02:04:19

Your son has upset his wife to the point that they have separated, his mother on numerous occasions, and lost his business due to his behaviour. I believe mechanics have been fully employed throughout the pandemic as they provide an essential service so he has no reason for not working. Perhaps you both need to help your son to move on, help him be a responsible adult and regain a sense of worth. Perhaps start by charging him a reasonable rent - benefits are available for that. Then tell him he needs to provide his own meals and do all his own housework. If he is rude to you again he will have to move out. Then set him a time you would expect him to move out anyway, eg 6 months. You are providing a roof, as an adult he should be grateful for that and should be able to provide everything else. You say he is a good parent, but he is not showing any evidence of being a good example to his child.

Pumpkinpie Tue 09-Mar-21 21:00:11

Why are you enabling your sons abusive behaviour?Because that’s what it is .
Instead of feeling guilty you should be outraged that he seems to treat the women in his life as his subservients.
He’s a grown up , start treating him as one & stop enabling his 2nd childhood

Harris27 Tue 09-Mar-21 18:59:02

I have three sons and would help them if they needed help which of course your son did. However time has moved on and his disrespect of you needs addressing. Tell him to look for a job and find accommodation within a time limit and explain he needs to stand on his own two feet. Hard I know but it has to be done as it’s upsetting you.

Rendella Tue 09-Mar-21 18:51:47

I found myself in a similar position with my stepson. So, when he did finally move out to be with a girlfriend, I steeled myself and told my husband I would never again allow stepson to live with us under same roof again. He has now inevitably split up with his girlfriend, but there is no way I am going to put up with his lazy, selfish and disrespectful behaviour again. You need to stick to your guns on this issue.

mumofmadboys Tue 09-Mar-21 18:31:05

I think posters who call Shazboo's son a bully and a brat are being unnecessarily rude. It is not helpful to Shazboo. None of us like having our children called rude names. Hate the behaviour but not the individual.

G1asgowgal Tue 09-Mar-21 18:19:45

Creating children is like baking a can put in all the very best ingredients but there nothing to say they will always turn out right.

Don’t feel guilty Shazboo your husband should be talking to him too about his attitude, and the way he treats you. Maybe he needs to see a counsellor.

Saetana Tue 09-Mar-21 17:15:50

@Nanamar - your situation is totally different.

Saetana Tue 09-Mar-21 17:14:37

He is taking the p* - as your husband says, set a date when he needs to move out of the house. On the rare occasions myself and my husband have moved back in with our parents - because we have moved areas, and only for a few weeks tops - we happily pay for the privilege and get out of their hair as soon as possible. You have NO reason for guilt -he is a grown man and needs to sort his life out - its no longer your responsibility! He needs to sort himself out and get a job - he has a child to support - you are doing him no favours by treating him as if he is still a child!

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 09-Mar-21 15:13:04

Firstly drop the guilt, you probably won’t throw him out, at least not whilst things are so upside down, as others have said sit down with him, maybe with your DH in the next room and tell your son quietly, but firmly that you will not put up with his behaviour any more and that if it goes on you will help him to find another place to live as soon after lockdown as you can, unless his behaviour changes at once.
Incidentally what was his behaviour that caused him to lose his business? Was he violent or abusive? If so then you probably won’t be able to get him to change and in that case I would help him start looking for somewhere else to live.

Shinamae Tue 09-Mar-21 15:12:31

I found this out to my cost.....