Issues with Sons attitude and where do i go from here?

Shazboo

Our son is in his early 30s and separated from his wife. They have a child together and are very good parents.
My issue is that after my son left the marital home, he came to live back with us. This seemed fine at first but now it's getting too much. He lost his business 2 years ago due to his behaviour and has not worked since,i know the pandemic has had an impact but he isn't trying to find work. His occupation is mechanic.
He's always been more respectful of his dad than me but now it's getting worse, he has no respect for me and undermines me.
He doesn't seem to grasp that living in our home rent free and having everything available to him, isn't what parents are there for!
Today we had a row about his treatment of me... like countless times before... and when his dad came home i broke down in tears as iv had enough. His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit, but now my guilt has kicked in and i feel I'm going to lose him.
I know its my fault and that I'm soft and my husband has always been the stern one, but he's right.
How do i cope with the guilt and knowing I've kicked him out?

Most of these things are caused by keeping silent until things come to a head.
2020 has tested the patience of all of us, and few are completely lockdown proof.
Don't allow yourself or son to do anything too rash.
You need a quiet sit down, and exchange of feelings without being interupted.
Sit in a circle with a speaking ball. Only the one holding the ball is allowed to speak. Pass the ball round until every one has said what they need to say.
Find out why you and your son don't see eye to eye. You need to look to your own actions as well as he his.

Lucca

Shazboo, it’s so easy for others (presumably who run their lives perfectly) to say what you should do. I know for a fact I’d be the same as you with my DS1 under those circumstances.
I hope you can sort things out, I’m thinking your husband is your best ally here !

I agree with this.

I wonder if you could sit him down with you and your husband, and calmly explain that you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour and why?

Whether he likes it or not, it is your house, and as an adult he is a guest in it, not a child for whom you are responsible.

Personally, I don't think you need to go as far as to overtly threaten to as him to leave, but that will be implicit if you point out that whilst he is very welcome to stay, you are not prepared to accept being treated like this.

If your husband is supportive, your son really has no alternative but to agree, which might sound coercive, but to be honest, I don't think that that matters in this case.

lucca exactly it’s so easy to say ‘Chuck him out’ we know nothing we don’t know what has happened in his life so, so quick to condem or give an answer I could not chuck a child out however difficult I found them I would have to find another answer
keepingquiet with all the issues you have been writing about with your son and daughter in law and all the tears you are crying and yet you are not staying away from getting hurt time and time again I think your advice to shaz is quite disingenuous (a bit of do as I suggest not do as I do)
Try and step back Shaz and get together with your husband to make a plan without anger or tears

Depression ? Sounds like it to me. Can you ask your son how he feels in himself ?

Shazboo, it’s so easy for others (presumably who run their lives perfectly) to say what you should do. I know for a fact I’d be the same as you with my DS1 under those circumstances.
I hope you can sort things out, I’m thinking your husband is your best ally here !

I agree with momb you and your husband need to present a united front to your son and spell out the issues. Timescales for change are important, don't let things slip back.
You should not feel guilty your son is an adult and should not be acting like a sulky teenager.
Good luck Shazboo

Your husband is separated from his wife.
He lost his job because of his behaviour.
He makes no attempt to seek work.
He lives off you rent fee
He treats you badly.
Why are you feeling guilty?

Yes you are too soft. You and your husband need to present a united front, set out house rules, a time limit for his stay, an insistence on his seeking work, and take a percentage of whatever benefits he receives, however small.
He is in his thirties, married with a child, sponging off his parents yet his response is to reduce his mother to tears.
You should not be in this position.
Again, why are you feeling guilty?

I think it is easy for sons to take out their anger with life in general on their mums.We are there providing unconditional love. Your son knows that. Life is difficult for him at present- marriage broken up and no job. He is lashing out. I think you and your DH need to agree together a joint approach and sit down and tell your son that the current situation cannot go on. He needs to contribute towards his keep ( I assume he is getting some benefits at the moment), treat you both with respect and do a few things to help around the house. Stress that you love him but the current situation cannot go on as it is making you miserable. Suggest you talk again in 4 weeks and see if things are better. Tough love needed. I do feel for you. Good luck.

If your son is an adult why did you let him back into the family home? I understand the need to help in a crisis, but when he came back it should have been with the understanding it was only until he got back on his feet. Instead you became his feet and now he can't walk.
You shouldn't tolerate disrespect from your own children. Did you disrespect your parents? Maybe you did but I suspect not. I could be wrong.
You say parents are not there to provide rent-free accommodation for their adult kids but that is exactly what you are doing. So stop it and start living by your own standards.
Your husband has asked him to leave because of his disrespect of you but now you are saying you feel guilty. For what? Drawing attention to that disrespect?
You fear you are going to lose him? He isn't yours to keep. He's an adult who needs to get on with his own life. The more you try to stop that the more disrespect he will have for you.
How do you cope with the guilt? By forgiving yourself.
Are you kicking him out? I think you should see it as setting him free, and setting yourself free.
I only know this because I've been there myself. You will both be able to survive, and he will come to respect you for it.

I am not being sarcastic...........but you have created this monster. Time for some tough talking from you and your OH. Kicking your DS out might seem to be the answer but with no job where would he go and would his attitude towards women change? Probably not.

Set some ground rules, if he's living rent free then he pulls his weight in other ways. Could his attitude towards you have been the cause of his marriage breakdown? Has he no respect for women?

You are all adults and he must see how his behaviour is affecting you and his father.

Set the boundaries..........your house.......your rules!
I wish you well, none of us would want our AC living on the streets would we?

It’s so simple isn’t it Nana8 and that I m afraid is a sarcastic reply
It’s far from simple there is so much more to people’s fears and issues than just a ‘Chuck him out’ comment which just isn’t useful I totally understand where you are coming from shazboo it is not easy to shut the door in a child’s face when our whole being is about supporting and protecting our children, and the feelings are so deeply ingrained in our very being that it leaves us in a total quandary
Could your husband and yourself have a joint talk with your son without anger on your husbands behalf or tears on yours sticking completely to facts without emotion taking over or would a letter to him be better, I ve often found that can work better as the recipient can read it over and over without losing face in a personal confrontation
I do wish you luck in this, it’s a really difficult situation a total dichotomy of care and love on one hand and the need for respect and give and take from the other

Chuck him OUT. Right now. You are not doing him any favours at all and he needs to grow up,fast.

You need to step right back.
Your husband needs to talk to your son and if he thinks he should leave then your husband needs to be the one to set a time limit. Not you.
Tell your husband they must sort things out between themselves. Refuse to get involved.