Relationship

Is this something new (since covid)?

I'm sure there are many other people who feel like you do, OP. Being stuck at home together almost 24 hours a day due to lockdown has placed a great strain on many relationships, just as the change from working life to retired life makes some couples realise that they don't really like each other or want to spend loads of time together.

If you've been together for 50 years, I assume you were already retired before lockdown, but perhaps you both filled your days with separate activities and didn't realise until now how far your relationship had deteriorated.

Whatever your age or length of relationship, you don't have to stay together if you don't want to. Nor do you have to put up with him being irritating. Tell him calmly what annoys you, and ask him to make specific changes.

I suggest you start by building in some alone time - you are entitled to go out for exercise, shopping etc. - and if he says, "I'll come too," tell him that you've been feeling very stressed lately and want some time on your own. Don't rush into anything until you've had some advice and decided what to do.

Lead separate lives. It is too hard to move out and start again after being together all that time. You have some part of the house, him the other and draw up a bit of an agreement about it. Two tellies, separate beds and different use of the kitchen. Even get another fridge if need be. His and hers.

nanna8

Lead separate lives. It is too hard to move out and start again after being together all that time. You have some part of the house, him the other and draw up a bit of an agreement about it. Two tellies, separate beds and different use of the kitchen. Even get another fridge if need be. His and hers.

I can’t think of a more awful situation to be in. Why would anyone contemplate sharing a house with their estranged spouse when they can have a completely new happy life away from the misery.
Women’s aid may be able to help.

I feel this year has probably highlighted many problems in people's lives. I think now the spring is coming get yourself out more and meet friends before you decide what to do. It's not yet a good time to cut loose or make important decisions. Wait until we all get back to reality and you can think more clearly take care.

Quite likely he is feeling the same way, together too much without any outside stimulation, its affecting many couples I’m sure. Tough it out for now, we all hope it’s going to get better when we are “allowed out”.

It has been difficult in lockdown and no good for anyone to be with someone 24/7. Make sure you have some of your own space every day. My DH has a little workshop and spends his time in there. Due to health issues he cannot take part in his previous hobbies and needs to find new ones he enjoys. He feels ill every day and is in constant start pain, he apologises for moaning about it! I lose myself in the garden (fortunately a very large garden) or a new jigsaw, just to switch off my mind in my own space. It does help.

I’ve pm’d you Maggie

Thanks for all your comments.
Nanna8
We have been living in the same house separately for several years but we only have one kitchen but two bathrooms and lounges etc. But it tends to be the kitchen where all the rows start because I have to clean all his finger marks and dried crusty food from the handles of fridge, mic, taps, oven, and worktops etc before I can use it. I ask him nicely, not to do this but he just makes excuses all the time and says I am too pedantic s fussy and has a habit of turning it on me and that causes rows. Whilst I can be a total bitch some days he just comes back for more. So I try to keep out of his way and yet he still is pleasant to me. Everything rolls off him, it’s as though he doesn’t consider my feelings atall. But hey ho! Life goes on.

It may be hard to start again on your own, as others have said, but I think you should think about it if you're really unhappy still once we get out of lockdown.

Does he treat you well in general terms? This is, I think, a big consideration.

Do you think things might be easier when you can each get out and about again and not be together 24 hours a day.

Yes, given your update- move on! It is more than time to do that

Just to be clear all these problems and this resentment all started well before lockdown.
So it’s nothing new. [

Yes, “Hithere”
He does treat me ok that is he doesn’t beat me or disrespect me in any way,that is what makes it so hard to leave, otherwise I would have done it long ago.

Yes, it will be hard. Even if you're unhappy with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't care at all about them.

I wish you luck.

Gosh if apart from the finger marks you're managing a shared but ‘not shared’ life well I d just clean the fingerprints with out a second thought but if it annoys you to the point of grave irritation then maybe move on if you can afford to but be sure you will manage financially for the sake of a few fingerprints

Maggie68

Somebody not abusing you is NOT a reason to say.

Please raise your standards.big.time.

Being treated with dignity and respect is the bare basics and yet not a reason to choose to settle.

You are clearly not happy, haven't been for a long time.

Only you can choose to be happy - doesnt mean the path to achieve will be easy.

Stay, not say

Maggie68. In the line of work I'm in, since lockdown it has brought into sharp focus everyone relationships. It has given a huge impetus for women to finally get out of relationships they should have left years ago.
From my own personal experience years ago I kept hanging on hoping he would change and of course he never did. We've now been divorced over 17 years and my DC report he is still as self centred and unpleasant now as he was then. Get out and don't look back. Good luck.