I don't know what to do

i wonder why he would risk putting his name on the electoral roll at the other house, unless the woman there thinks it's his only home.
esp being in the same area.

seems like you have unwittingly been subsidising his other household.

can you ask for your money back, if the extension isn't done.
never lend/give money like this.
best to be involved contractually with the builder, and research them carefully, so you know where the money goes.

i wonder if the other woman knows.
maybe he told her he'd divorced.
maybe he is a bigamist.

1. Your daughter knows. She may not want to admit it to herself or to you, but she knows

2. 100k pounds for their house? Stop enabling.
It is not up to you provide for your daughter, she is an adult

3. His double life is none of your business.
Do nothing. Say nothing. Hint nothing.
Your daughter chooses to be married to him. She chooses her life.
Please dont meddle

Gingerbeer I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer in this complex situation, but I would hesitate - if I were you - to write so much detail about a very personal issue on a public forum.

Anyone can read these threads, there is a Gransnet public Facebook page, sometimes links to discussions on here are posted there. I'm just saying, be careful how much you give away in the detail.

I wish you all the best.

Does he have other children aswell?

I think I'd try to help your daughter get her finances in order, if you've given them 100k you need to secure the housing for investment and your daughter and grandchildren.

I don't know what you can do on an emotional level but none of this is yours or your daughters fault

Thank you so much for your replies. It's helped just writing it here. I am 100% sure of my facts. I found the address from the electoral register and my son-in-law was supposedly working away. I took a trip and saw his car outside the house. I parked up and waited. They came out and walked down the street. I recognised both of them.

My husband knows as I was so upset I couldn't hide it from him. He fears that if we interfere we may cause more harm than good. At least the children have a part-time father. What worries me is how my daughter would feel if she found out that I knew and hadn't told her. She'd never forgive me. I have three other children but cannot bring myself to tell them.

We had this happen in our family but it was the wife who found out. It was my OHs brother who was leading a double life.
She asked my OH and another brother to go to the woman’s house to confront him.
I couldn’t for one moment keep that information from my own daughter.

You may well become the villain if you approach either of them, I have no idea how I would handle such a nightmare situation. I can only wish you luck.

Does your husband know? Are you bearing this all on your own? You say this horrid man (sorry, I have history) is "one" of your sons-in-law, so you have other daughters. Do any of your other daughter(s) have a good relationship with your hard-done-by daughter, and might know? Again, don't tell anyone before you tell your daughter - she's facing enough betrayal from her husband as it is. The idea of chatter about her behind her back would be awful.

I think this needs a face to face with your daughter, not a phone call, not a letter. Can you do a walk in the park and have a calm talk - no accusations , but armed with facts? And a flask of strong sweet tea just in case?

Oh, my - please don't go to your son-in-law before talking to you daughter. Your daughter deserves that conversation before your son-in-law can hide assets, cover his undeserving arse!

More as I think of it.

Definitely don't say anything just now until you have thought about it. You could contact your son in law, let him know that you have this information and give him a week to tell your daughter himself or you will. I am just concerned that if you tell your daughter then it will irrevocably ruin the relationship you have with her at a time when she's going to need you.
How sure are you of the facts? It would be horrible if you had got the wrong end of the story and blundered in making accusations. You are in a very difficult position. I don't envy you.

I’d challenge him first, if he won’t own it then I’d tell your daughter.

I do feel for you, what a shock you have had. If you have only just found out I would use a few days to think about it before taking any action, you are in shock at the moment and will need a bit of time to process this information.

This is obviously the least important thing here, but it is not illegal to be on the electoral roll at two addresses as long as you don't vote twice.

It may be the wrong thing but personally I wouldn’t be able to keep something so huge to myself. I would either challenge him first and tell him he needed to own it or just tell my daughter.