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(20 Posts)
bjane02 Fri 09-Apr-21 00:32:31

I miss sex. I’ve been in a 2 year relationship and my partner says he’s got low testosterone and just doesn’t want sex often. When we do have sex it is great at times, other times he only lasts a few minutes and that is disappointing.

He’s very loving and supportive. A very great partner. He’s attractive and sexy. I’m pretty healthy as well. I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with sex only once or twice a month. I miss it so much. I dream about sex and I honestly hate feeling this way. I don’t know what to do! When we first got together we had sex all the time sometimes several times a day. And he mentioned to me that in the past his partners lost interest in sex but he loved having sex several times a week. But that has changed now.

I feel undesired.

Hithere Fri 09-Apr-21 00:45:06

Does he have an official diagnosis for low testosterone?
There are treatments for that and be able to recover his previous sexual life, if that is something that he wants.

How long after getting together he changed?

Is he aware this is bothering you (rightfully so)?

This is not going to end well in the long run, I am afraid

bjane02 Fri 09-Apr-21 00:54:28


Does he have an official diagnosis for low testosterone?
There are treatments for that and be able to recover his previous sexual life, if that is something that he wants.

How long after getting together he changed?

Is he aware this is bothering you (rightfully so)?

This is not going to end well in the long run, I am afraid

He has not been diagnosed. That’s his assessment of himself. It’s gotten gradually worse the last 6 months or so. He knows it bothers me and he just says he’s sorry. He will try but it lasts one night then back to the same.

I was so worried because he started working out and trying to get in better shape. Honestly he’s already in good shape but he’s lifting weights now. I was worried he’s cheating. He says he’s not. Mostly his time is accounted for so not sure when he’s have time for that anyway.

We are very affectionate and cuddles a lot. Just no sex. It makes me sad.

Hithere Fri 09-Apr-21 01:38:11

I would honestly call him on it and ask him to get checked out medically.

He knows how it affects you and doesnt make a major effort to address it.
That would be a deal breaker for me

Lolo81 Fri 09-Apr-21 04:52:40

This may be way off the mark and is only a suggestion, but you mention your SO is lifting weights. Is there any chance he’s taking steroids to aid in his workout regime? Regular long term use of many steroids can cause a reduction in the natural production of testosterone.

Ashcombe Fri 09-Apr-21 06:07:59

That was my thought, too, Lolo81. Perhaps this thread would be of interest to the OP as an avenue to explore:-

timetogo2016 Fri 09-Apr-21 09:57:51

Get yourself down to Ann Summers when possible.
That might do you both good.

Emily49 Fri 09-Apr-21 10:08:20

How old are you both?

Esspee Fri 09-Apr-21 10:11:37

Has he had a PSA test recently? Prostate problems can cause this change.
He must consult a doctor about it but most men avoid discussing this issue (which accounts for the high rates of men with prostate cancer).

Atqui Fri 09-Apr-21 10:29:44

It could be psychological. Don’t mean to be rude or insensitive , but perhaps your sex drive is stronger than his and he feels inadequate

geekesse Fri 09-Apr-21 11:02:06

Having two lively grandchildren living with you may also be putting a damper on things (your other thread). Perhaps try and get away, just the two of you, for a weekend of passion?

Chestnut Fri 09-Apr-21 12:36:18

Put some viagra in his breakfast cereal. 😘

olddudders Fri 09-Apr-21 12:41:53

I know from my first marriage the agonies of being kissed and cuddled - but knowing it won't go any further. To put it mildly, it isn't natural.

From a male perspective, reduced drive over such a short timescale is puzzling, and the prostate suggestion certainly has merit. [Any older man spending too long in the loo needs to be checked. PSA is a simple blood-test indicator. Score less than 4 and it isn't cancer. But 70% of men will experience a prostate issue, many not cancerous, merely enlarged as mine was.]

Ashcombe (my DW) has rightly suggested self-awareness, but we all know it lacks the warmth and loving aspects of the real thing, which seem still to be present in other areas of the relationship. And while a partner can contribute to such activities in most fulfilling ways, I infer that you wouldn't be posting if that were the case.

Candid facts about where this is leaving you, and a hint of where it might lead in terms of pastures new, need to be aired, and soon. I just hope there isn't something he hasn't revealed.

Katie59 Fri 09-Apr-21 12:45:52

You don’t say your age but if he is fit and does weight training he is pretty normal and should be having a normal sex life. Maybe he has had some “failures” that has dented his confidence, in which case Viagra or Cialis will cure that. We also cuddle a lot which gets both of us “interested”, OH is 72 not especially fit, so that’s really nice.

Puzzled Sat 10-Apr-21 17:23:57

If he does suffer problems, DON'T dwell on, or mention them.
Just give encouragement in ANY possible way, visual and otherwise.
There are methods and devices which can help, if there is a problem. Offer to help with them.

Try different times and places around the house.
A bit of fantasy may help.
Picking the right time of day will help, mornings should be good, or afternoons. Evenings you can tend to be tired.
And don't be in a hurry, tell each other what you enjoy, and spend time on it.

bigbattybarbra Mon 10-May-21 12:19:36

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mary59nana Mon 10-May-21 18:04:18

PM sent

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 10-May-21 18:31:09

I can understand you putting up with it if you had been together for many years (maybe) but not in such a new relationship, if it’s bad now what will it be like in 5 years time?

grandtanteJE65 Sat 15-May-21 11:07:00

Are you thinking of leaving him if the relationship doesn't start including more frequent sex?

If so, and I could quite understand if you were considering it, I think you need to be honest with your partner and mention that this is going through your mind.

If his lack of interest is a medical problem then it can quite likely be treated, but this will only happen if he wants to consult a doctor.

If he is seeing someone else, he should be honest and tell you so, as he should if he has genuinely no idea why he no longer wants sex.

However difficult and hurtful it would be to be told that he no longer desires you, if that is the case, you would know where you were.

If you cannot face the prospect of leaving him, you still need an honest and open discussion of the whole matter.

What does he imagine you are going to do about the lack of sex? Would he really like you to go looking elsewhere?

If he refuses to do or say anything helpful, he is risking you either leaving or taking a lover, isn't he?

I hope you get him to discuss this honestly and to DO something, apart from just saying he doesn't feel the need of sex.

Puzzled Tue 18-May-21 16:16:07

Maybe, finding ways to pleasure each other may reawaken interest, and be a way to lead onto better, more interesting and enjoyable things..
Being a man, he is visual, so pretty, lacy colourful undies may arouse some interest. Morning or afternoon may be a better time than evening when you will both be tired.
Once you get started, don't stop!
Live out some of your fantasies together!
Lets hope that something does the trick!