Dad had another family...

Thank you for the update, and I hope that you feel a lot better now knowing that your memory of your Dad as a decent, caring person were right. Your Mother obviously wanted to make sure you that you knew while she was alive, rather than find out after she had gone. Two decent people who did the right thing.

Good to hear you have sorted things out a little Polarbear do think carefully before you try to contact family members. You may be causing unnecessary upheaval in someone's life for very little gain.

Hello Polarbear2. Good to read your update.

What a lovely mum and dad - dad accepting his responsibility and mum helping with that.

Take care and good luck.

I hope it all brings you some closure

Thank you for the update. It has, indeed, ended well. ?

Good afternoon all. So, an update. Talked to dads family - who all knew and thought I did too ?. Dad had a child with another woman just before he married mum. His mum ‘sorted it all out’? He paid maintenance until the woman married and that man took on the child as his own. My mum knew and used to take the money round. But there was no ongoing relationship and mum had no phone call from any ‘friend’. I can only imagine she made that up as a way of breaking the news to me.
So, my memory of my dad remains intact - except he’s a bit more interesting now. And, I do have a half sister out there. My dads oldest sister apparently knows who they are but she’s 100 now so they are going to ask her - but gently. I should find out by the end of the week. It’s then up to me whether to contact them or not. I’m not sure I’m bothered. I’ll see. Thanks for all the comments and support and hugs ?. All’s well that ends well I guess.

Polarbear2

I’m mid 60s. Dads been dead 40 years. Mum extremely elderly. Dad was always revered by me and his family as a really good guy. Straight as a die. Kind. Very intelligent. To cut a long story short it came out yesterday via a ‘friend’ that dad had another woman for all their married lives. He chose to marry mum but kept the other one too. Turns out Mum knew and is fairly certain they had a child together. I’m so sad. Confused. Grieving I guess. My sibling died when I was young and to hear there’s possibly another sibling out there is pretty devastating. I feel I want to talk to my aunt and uncle (his brother and sister) to see if they knew. But, I know if they didn’t, I’m just spreading hurt - and if they did, it just means that everyone lied to me all my life. I feel like a hurt little girl and I have no idea what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. Mum doesn’t want to talk about it now it’s out - understandably. She’s very hurt in the remembering and has covered his pictures up. Counselling I guess is the best bet. But do I tell my uncle/aunt or keep quiet? They are very into geneology and I feel like saying here’s another one to add to your b****y family tree. Angry, hurt, sad - any advice ??

Been in a similar situation I identify with. Found out when I was 36 my late father was divorced when he met my late mom. I also had 2 half brothers alot older than me. Its complex, messy story, as they are. My father was 49 when I was born. My mom 36.

I am in a close good relationship with them since I found out. I totally get why mom didn't tell me. Its too long a story to go into anymore.

"John Bradshaw: Family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you" was the book I was led too which has worksheets in you can make. This really helped me make sense of it all.

Coupled with some counselling will help. These secrets tend to come out and lead a trail of devastation. It's no "Surprise, Surprise"

Good luck

I think it must have been kept from you as no one wanted to hurt you,try to think that they wanted what they thought was best for you,attitudes were very different then ( people weren’t told if they had cancer sometimes etc) Spend sometime processing this information before you do anything rash,try counseling it may help the hurt you feel in your heart.It was because they loved you very much this situation has arisen,hugs.

Whatdayisit
Very true!

How awful awful for you, especially as you have had the pain of losing a sibling. How terrible for your mother too.

There's so many if, buts and maybes.....and none of which will change the past and just have you stuck in the upset of what your father did. What you can do is direct your thoughts into something positive. You have a sibling out there that would be wonderful for you to connect with. Have you thought about registering on Ancestry and doing your own family tree? Your sibling may well be trying to find you! Other registered users can send you messages. Also, Ancestry offer a DNA test that is about £79. It can reveal your heritage and connect you with family past and present. If your sibling has done the same and had the test, you are told if you are related and have the choice to connect with them.

I found out many years ago that I had a sister that my mother had before us children she had with our dad. We finally met after the Salvation Army contacted my mum saying her daughter was trying to find her. My cousin is on Ancestry and has told me recently that we have an Aunty we never knew we had. It seems my grandma had a child while grandad was away in the army.

Although you're understandably upset and hurt at the moment, but once you feel able to, consider finding your sibling.

Sending you a big hug x

Hithere
Plenty of women had children and passed them off as another man's.
Lots of family secrets come out eventually.

Some comments insinuate men have no control over falling in love and having kids

While falling in love may be inevitable, engaging in having another kid is very much avoidable.
Men are not innocent victims that have no other choice than to follow their hearts.

Add in this case the hiding of the second family and it makes it even worse.

This doesn't only affect the wife and the father of OP, but OP herself.

She should do what she thinks it is best for her, not for the players that hid the skeletons in the closet.

For me, waiting for her mother to pass away is participating in the lie and participate in the make believe that everything is ok.

I agree best to leave it till your mum has passed. Might even be best to just leave everything as it is, if your happy in your life up to this point, maybe best to focus on the here and now. All the emotions you are feeling are understandable, sometimes things don’t make sense. Maybe let the whole situation live with you, while you keep going about your life, and maybe you will either come to terms with it and let sleeping dogs lie, or dig up more of the past, but give yourself TIME.... it’s not YOUR place to fix your dads wrongs... so be kind to yourself till your string and clear in mind as to how you feel you should go forward with this. Good luck whatever you decide x

Its possible your Dad was the man you revered despite having another woman/family. Life is complicated. Perhaps he loved both women and was too decent to leave either of them. When I was a teenager my best friends father, an utterly lovely man, weighted his pockets and threw himself in the river. He died because he had fallen in love again and fathered a child. He couldnt bear to leave his first wife and family and couldnt bring himself to desert the new baby and mother. In the end everyone lost out and it would have been better if he had lived and kept his second family a secret.

And your aunt and uncle, if they do know, might be relieved they no longer have to keep the secret. Perhaps this is why they're doing the family tree thing.

I would be tempted to ask your aunt and uncle if they know anything about the mistress and the child. Seems like you are worried about others' feelings which is very nice, but you sound like you need some answers. If they are researching family trees, that could be a good way to broach the topic: "Have you discovered any scandles in the family, Aunty? Any distant relatives?" Watch their reaction and maybe they'll reveal what they know. Don't leave it too long. You are not a "little girl" and it's time they were honest with you.

I've had a very similar situation and my advise would be to mull it over for a while. Think of the pros and cons once the initial shock is over. It could be a big can of worms to open and the lid can never go back on. Given both your mothers age and your own, you may feel pressure to sort out your relationships while you can.
But what good would it serve?

What a massive shock polarbear2 your mind must be racing wondering where to start first, it must have been so difficult for your mum to try to carry on as normal in front of you and your sibling for years, you must do what you feel is right for you, it’s such a big decision, I wish you lots of luck in the future x

The OP describes feeling like a hurt little girl, that everyone lied to, she says she has no idea what to do. That sounds to me like an emotionally accurate, also understandable and sensible response.
Rather than being encouraged to take action as some are advocating, I believe caution, sitting with those well described feelings, allowing some space to process those feelings is invaluable. Next steps in these situations of high emotion are best taken from foundations that are as calm as possible.

You are in your sixties your Mother is 99 take action on what you need to do for you now before it's too late Don't tell your mother if needs be but the bottom line is you've already lost a sybling how would you feel if your Dad's other children died before you found them?

I discovered 19 years ago that I have a half sister. My Mum had had a drunken 'fling' during the war whilst my father was serving abroad. They weren't married at the time. Dad was prepared to bring the child up as his, but my very strict grandfather would have none of it. He said mum had brought shame on the family and insisted that the baby was to be adopted. This happened when she was 6 weeks old, my mum not knowing much about it. My mum and dad agreed to never tell my brother and me, and we knew nothing until I was contacted by my half sister. She wanted to know about her birth family and found me because of my unusual maiden name. She and I are firm friends and see each other whenever we can, but my brother has met her only once. She and my mother met once before mum died but there was no connection at all. You must do whatever feels right for you Polarbear

Sorry got carried away just read your updates.
I hope you can keep us posted and things turn out well.
How exciting.

Polarbear2
I was told i was illegitimate and like your news it shattered what i had thought was the truth. It left me feeling like i was a fraudster leading a fake life.

All i can say is ask more questions now while people are alive to tell. that generation kept their skeletons in the cupboard - everyone knew but it was all whispers and nods.

I personally would contact the half sibling if you get chance but i love Long Lost Family. You may have found this out if you had a geneaology DNA test or they may have knocked on your door some day.

All i know is time is precious and finite do what you are going to do sooner rather than later.
It took me 18 years to find my bio father but things can be quicker now with technology.
I wouldn't talk to your mum about it any more but she might bring it up.

I rang the samaritans when i was 12 about it feeling suicidal not knowing how to process everything. They told me to leave it as he may have his own family now and i would upset it.

I don't agree with that advice and it didn't make me feel any better. Go for it if you want to find your half sibling.
None of this is your fault. Hugs to you.

Have you thought about sending a dna sample to the ancestry company that will link you to any other samples they've got on their database?

Polarbear2

Well. This has picked up again so a mini update. I’m fine now. I bounce well these days . Had a word with myself. Resilience I think ?? Anyhow - the plot thickens. It seems a woman has been trying to get in touch with mum. Potentially this alleged half sister. I’ve written to a family contact from long ago. It’s a long story I won’t go into here but bottom line is - letter posted. Awaiting outcome. Mum is fully on board and actually asked me to do this. Feels like a soap opera! We’re not a dramatic family so this is all very strange to us.

I think the main issues here are that both you and your Mum are okay and "together" with any action.
I really don't know how I'd feel in the same situation - as you rightly described, it's a mixture of emotions!

I think with social media and the internet plus the Long Lost Families / DNA Secret programmes, issues like this will become more and more prevalent.
I watched one programme and a child conceived via sperm donor was searching for any donor-conceived siblings.