Worried about my relationship

Manny can't believe I'm facing this at this time in my life

I remember feeling exactly the same!

Why don't you start another thread...... I'm sure you'll get lots of sympathetic replies?

As you have had couples counselling in the past maybe a good way ahead would be to ask him to go for counselling together again. There is a precedent and it might help you do what so many people are suggesting here - namely have a real conversation with him. This might well help you get to a clear point where you can see a good way ahead with him - or that its time to leave. I am so sorry you have this pain and worry and hope you find a way ahead which works for you.

Move on. The trust is gone in this relationship.

Forget counselling, a new start is much healthier. I find it difficult to understand why anyone would try to mend a relationship that has clearly gone wrong. Don’t make compromises, don’t forgive. That way madness lies..

The bottom line is that you are not happy, and if he cared about you as he should, then he should go out of his way to rectify this. Mutual respect should be paramount in any relationship and if missing, you have a problem. Listen to your own heart, as aggression is typical of a guilty person trying to divert attention..... plus to make you think twice about “daring” to raise the issue again. Good luck ....

I'm a bit worried about your financial situation - does he contribute to the rent and other household bills? Why is everything in your name only?

so very sorry for you make sure your finances are secure and do speak to a divorce lawyer asap because they will have heard and seen it all and can protect you from financial ruin better to be at peace with your self and children than with a partner who makes you feel worthless please seek guidance xxx

Something very odd is going on and you know it. I’m glad you have a home, car and job as you have a child to support for at least another 7 years.
That poor child must be feeling as insecure as you are. You’re still young. Move on.

Go with your gut - he is up to something, and as men aren't as clever as women you will catch him out at some point. In the meantime get your 'affairs in order' so that when something does happen you are in charge!

Been through exactly the same, I pondered and wasted 2 years trying to figure it all out, eventually went on his phone while he was asleep in bed, it was all there in black and white, hook up sites, porn, chat rooms the lot. Till eventually he started meeting up with these women i threw him out and I’ve never looked back. Go with your hunch gut instinct is rarely wrong. Don’t do as I did and waste 2 years hoping I was wrong. I still loved him and it was hard but it won’t stop all you’ll do by approaching him about it is send him further underground with hiding it from you.

'Openly flirts in front of me' - stood out. Sounds a bit immature and hurtful and is getting away with whatever he can. I think you deserve better - someone who respects you.

Oh, that feeling! My ex (separated 9 years ago, divorced in January this year, I found out last week!) was being so - nasty, dismissive and downright rude to me - which (23 years married) I put down to work pressures, he'd been told he was about to be made redundant. Some of the things he said to me were, looking back now, just appalling. Went on for 3 months. One particular awful Sunday after he went to bed I figured out the passcode to his online access and saw his Facebook messages with the wife of one of his old work friends - blonde, 33, two young daughters; He was also 49 (talk about mid-life crisis). Three weeks later I saw his phone bills (I'm more IT savvy than he thought) and he was still messaging and talking to her, so it was done, over, bags out the door. The 33 year old was horrified, she was only up for a bit of flirting (her marriage was done a few years later). He'd been going to bed early to chat with her, even at my works Christmas party, leaving early as he was "tired". Long times in the garage "tidying up". Walking the dogs poor feet off. Pffff!

As others have said, it might be something else but I'd trust your gut feeling. I was (thought we both were) in love and that pain - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Well, him - and that 33 year old.

This cannot carry on. It will start to affect your children. I think he needs to be shown the door. The fact that he gets angry is a warning sign that he is doing something wrong. Your children are your priority.

Sorry for asking this but do you still share the same bed ? as it does not appear from how you describe your husband there is much if any loving going on in your marriage.
Not that sharing a bed is the ''be all end and end all' of a marriage as health issues can and frequently do put a stop to what you would' like but can't'?

I think putting aside the fact that he may be having an affair, ask yourself if you want to be with this man anyway? It doesn’t sound like you are happy with him or are getting what you need from this relationship. I’m sorry that you are going through this.

This is wretched for you, but I agree with the others. Go with your gut. It is often better to trust our guts in the cold light of day. See how you feel mid-morning. That gives a clearer reflection of our true feelings than when we are tired and upset.
Life is short and not a rehearsal. If you are not happy you are wasting the precious time you have in front of you. Good luck.

So sorry to read about your situation, Nanna29. From experience, I’d be very suspicious about a mobile phone that went everywhere with your spouse. In the latter months of my long marriage, despite promises from my now ex that previous affairs, porn use and membership of dating websites wouldn’t happen again, I got to the point where I was creeping downstairs at 3am to check his phone - and of course he’d been lying to me. I knew this was no way to live. A few years later and now in my early 60s I’m now so much happier. I hope you get to the bottom of things and are able to move on with your life - with or without him.

Protect your bank account and get to a solicitor as fast as you can! Whether it's a woman/women, gambling or porn, he is not treating you as a husband should, and you say he has always been secretive. Get out of this toxic relationship. Good luck!

Oh, and Manny, yes, please do start another thread.

Manny, so sorry you are having to face this at 72, seems there is no age we can relax. You say you left where did you go, had you been married long? 80 years old and still such a problem i thinkbwhen we are younger we think /hope things will get better. Thinking of you x

Nanna, don't put yourself in the wrong by looking at his phone!

Could you bring yourself to tell him you had done so?

Was he like this before you married, or is it a new thing?

Tell him that his flirting makes you feel unwanted, unloved and undesirable and see what he says.

If he tells you it means nothing and he loves you, say frankly that he is hurting you by flirting with others and by being so secretive about his phone calls.

Be open: tell him you wonder whether he is seriously ill and hasn't got round to telling you (although this is the last thing on your mind, right now) or if he has become addicted to gambling, drugs or drink, or whether he is seeing someone else.

Tell him if he is not willing to be honest with you, you cannot see how you can go on living with him.

This is just going to go on worrying you, until you either get some answers, or pack up and leave.

It all sounds very suspicious to me. After my husband left me I discovered that when he was helping friends, e.g. helping to dig a garden pond / putting lights up in their new home, he was constantly on his phone (which I later found out was a different one from the one he used at home) - now I know he was talking to the woman he left me for.
My advice would be either to ask him straight out, or at least try to find out who he’s been talking to.

I agree that this is very odd behaviour and if you have tried counselling before but are still having doubts about the way he behaves around you/treats you then I think it is time to have an honest discussion and then decide what to do. If he doesn't want to talk then I think you know that you need to move on from your marriage - you are clearly not very happy with it.

I wouldn't normally look at my husband's phone - we're all entitled to privacy. But in this case I would explain my worries to him and ask why he takes his phone everywhere and in the interests of calming your fears to let you look at it. If he is unwilling to let you see what he is doing on the phone I would be thinking Do I trust him?

If he flirts in front of you he obviously doesn’t care about you . I had an ex husband who did this and was secretive too . Leave him and move on (I know it’s not easy) but believe me you will eventually feel better and hopefully meet a new partner , I did. We are soul mates and I’m so pleased I took the plunge as I look back now and think what an idiot I was for staying as long as I did . Wasted so much of my life on a creep ! Good luck

I agree with the bucket of water method !