Worried about my relationship

If you do go through his phone he will without doubt change his password.
If you don`t get caught find out as much as possible
Personally,i would flush it down the loo and act ignorant just to see his reaction.

Nanna29

oodles yes its all such a worry i just don't know why he would change so much baffles me. We don't have joint finances and I rent the house in my name only. We got a car on finance but thats in my name including car is registered to me. So if he won't pay off the loan I can take the car back. Im just taking my time thinking it all through

Nanna29... Your doing the right thing re-thinking it through. This is a very traumatic time for you, so it's best to not act in haste, but please don't use the time to avoid the situation, it's so easy to pretend this isn't happening, because the alternative is much more stressful. I thing deep down you know what you need to do, and I really wish this wasn't happening to you you don't deserve it. But the important thing is to look ahead at your life minus your husband, in a happier setting, without all the turmoil your going through right now, and make that your goal, the whole thing will feel a lot less frightening. You deserve that peace of mind. I know that things are hard for you right now, but it won't always be like this if your brave enough to take that first step. Think of the future plan, it will give you courage. Your not alone, although you think you are. Good luck ?

If your DH knows that his behaviour upsets you and keeps on upsetting you, I think deep down you know the answer.

Yes when I think back to what I put up with in one of my relationships because I didn’t have proof just a feeling things were wrong I shudder. I wish I had mopped it in the bud (left) as soon as I suspected. After all if they are innocent they will move mountains and prove you are wrong to stop you...

It really takes some thinking about, and I'm sorry you are in this position. As I know how awful it can be. But always remember you cannot buy peace of mind and when you have it, it's worth more than gold. Take care of yourself xx

You've got your ducks on a row have a chat then show him the door You deserve more

I haven't been in this situation but one of my DDs and also one of my closest friends have been through it. In both cases, their husbands' behaviour changed, they became unpleasant and secretive, and both women felt that there was something wrong. DD's suspicions were confirmed when she found payment for an overnight stay in a hotel near his office, when he was supposed to be miles away on a business trip to Ireland. He was having an affair with a colleague. My friend didn't really know what was wrong until her DH announced that he was leaving her for another woman. Their marriage ended but DD and her DH managed to patch things up. That was nearly 20 years ago and they have made their marriage work. It wasn't easy in the beginning, though, as DD felt so hurt and betrayed.

I also have a friend whose partner had, and maybe still has, an online porn addiction. She found it on his phone and he admitted that he had done it for years, even at the most inappropriate times and places. She has been through hell. They have talked for hours, and both have seen therapists (in her case, because her self-esteem and self-confidence were shattered), but he has really struggled to give it up. He has lied repeatedly, but she is more IT-savvy than him and has found it on his phone when he has thought that he deleted it. It seems that he really wants to stop now but it's as addictive as heroin and much easier to obtain. They want to make the relationship work but the trust is badly damaged.

It seems to me that the OP's partner is acting very much like these men. Secretive behaviour and/or unpleasantness isn't a good sign. In the cases of the men who were having affairs, both of them accused their wives of being paranoid for thinking that something was wrong. If he says that, ignore him! The flirting isn't a good sign either.

Basically, it would be a good idea to think about what you might want - a divorce? or to try again? - and to make sure that you know your rights. Everything might be OK but it's wise to be prepared. And I wouldn't have any compunction about spying on him, to find out what he is up to.

Nanna29 - you’ve already been for couples counselling I. Such a relatively short period so there’s some background here - are the fears you have now the same as those that took you to counselling? If he and his phone are joined at the hip and he openly flirts with you I think you are right to suspect and should try to extract his phone to get your evidence - his emails will also be available and I’d there’s anything incriminating just take photos for your own proof and then confront him. It may not be a nice ending for you but it will save heartache further down the line

I’ve been through this and it was an affair, I’m afraid. He left his phone just lying around just once and the messages where proof enough. Sorry

If you are really suspicious and have some spare cash hire a PD, they’re very useful!

Bazza

I can’t help but think that your husband is very dense if he doesn’t think his obsession with his phone isn’t going to make you suspicious. Why would he take his phone into the bathroom for any reason other than it’s something he doesn’t want you to know about?

As hard as it can be to face up to this, it’s surely better to know than the torment you’re going through at the moment. It sounds as if you can survive without him financially. Pack his bags!

I think, from my experience, he doesn't care. His needs are more important than the OP's hurt feelings, whatever it is that is going on (gambling, porn or an affair). It's not about being dense, he just isn't bothered.

Love to you, OP.

So he flirts in front of you, He’s a charmer isn’t he, no respect for you, nanna29. And takes his phone everywhere is to the shower well there’s obviously something very wrong, trust your gut, you deserve better love, I’d be getting my finances sorted if I was you, sorry but it doesn’t sound good

I can’t help but think that your husband is very dense if he doesn’t think his obsession with his phone isn’t going to make you suspicious. Why would he take his phone into the bathroom for any reason other than it’s something he doesn’t want you to know about?

As hard as it can be to face up to this, it’s surely better to know than the torment you’re going through at the moment. It sounds as if you can survive without him financially. Pack his bags!

Yes on Mumsnet they say it's usually another woman, a porn habit , or paying for webcams , sadly when the truth is out 99.9% they are correct.

@Nanna29 - I find your post quite worrying and above all else I would say that gut instinct is rarely wrong - it is a natural feeling to warn us, to make us think, an innate sense and response to things in our lives that might not be right for us etc - always worth 'listening' to it as it is there for a good reason.

A lot of people these days are glued to their phones, but there is a big difference between someone that spends a fair bit of their time on their phone and someone that is being secretive and even taking it to the loo, in the shower etc - that is both suspicious and unhealthily obsessive.

Whatever his reasons it is not fair on you that he doesn't talk with you, doesn't seem to care how much his behaviour upsets you, does things like flirting that he knows will hurt your feelings, and generally his unpleasant attitude must be hard and horrible to live with. You deserve to live your life where you do not have to fear stamping too loudly on the eggshells you are forced to walk on daily. A relationship needs a level of trust, mutual respect, the sharing of interests and conversation etc. Sounds like you have made efforts to invest in this relationship and he hasn't! I know people can have interests or hobbies that are not shared with their partners/spouse but this sounds more like there is at least one big area of his life that you are shut out of and it's highly unlikely you will ever be invited to be a part of (or want to be!). Without knowing for sure what he is doing all you have is paranoia and concerns - affairs, porn, gambling or anything else....think seriously about the advice others have given and if you feel the future is bleak with him in it then start preparing to make a change and good luck with a happier future.

Hugs and for you and for @manny and anyone else struggling with, enduring, recovering from or leaving problematic relationships

Daisend1 it does encourage me im going to do it when I feel the time is right so when the kids are out. Etc these replies have helped me enormously as I have been questioning myself am I imagining this. Its hard because I understand that my husband is he's own person and entitled to privacy. So I didn't want to snoop. I think what has hit a nerve is do I love him if he's acting like this so im thinking seriously do I. I will have to talk to him as if he wants to keep the car as I dont drive he will have to get a loan in his own name and pay off the loan in my name. I will have to set up a time when the kids are out

I always go with my gut feeling and it has served me well. Some years ago I found out that my husband had developed an obsession with my sister (happy marriage and several children but that didn't stop him flirting and phoning her all the time). I got rid of him after several years of lies and deceit and met my soul mate. Some other poor woman is stuck with him now. My sister is still very friendly with him!

Nanna29
Having received replies does this encourage you to act on the advice/ suggestions * or* continue in allowing H to carry on doing what is clearly upsetting you?.

chattykathy everything is in my name because when my previous relationship ended i lived here alone for 10 years with my kids. I think because I was treated badly in the past I learned my lesson so we have separate bank accounts etc he pays half towards bills and food rent etc

If he was seeing someone else he would just delete their texts and call history.
A factory reset suggest he is looking at something he knows you won't like

Wow I never expected to get so many replies. Thank u everyone for the great advice

Perhaps you need to give him a taste of his own medicine. Seriously though, it does sound like he's on dating apps, viewing porn or gambling. All coping mechanisms and highly addictive to some people. You should he able to see some of his messages pop up when he's sleeping.. Try that to get some evidence before asking him if he has a problem. Of course tell him that you're uncomfortable when he flirts so much. Conversations when you're both calm are best.

AmberSpyglass

As they say on MN - get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave. Speak to a solicitor specialising in divorce, check your financials and think about what you are and aren’t willing to accept. 8 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, it may well be time to cut your losses.

Got it in one!

Gut instinct is rarely wrong Nanna there seems to be a problem whether it's gambling, porn or an affair. Make sure your finances are safe then have a straight talk with your husband. This is no way to live your life so take charge of things and look after yourself and your family. Good luck.

Well I’d say trust your gut feeling, I was engaged to someone. We were together for 4yrs. We’re both being married before it would have being 2 for me and 3rd for him. He started taking his phone with him everywhere and hiding his screen when I went past. He said he was Christmas shopping. But after Christmas he was still doing it. Cut long story short in Feb last year I told him one of his friends told me that he was seeing someone else. No one told me I just had this gut feeling and he was doing other things. Well his face was a picture. he said I wanted to tell you myself. I later found out it had being going on for months. I even said to him you had 4 months to tell me. He still doesn’t know today that no one told me. He doesn’t trust his friends. We went into lockdown 3 wks later so I’ve had whole year to get him out my system. Would I date anyone else. Probably not but I’d definitely trust your gut. You probably not like what you find. But at least you will know what the truth is. Don’t let it eat away at you. Oh she didn’t last once I knew she didn’t want to know him.