Should we cut off contact?

You have various options. Stay on good terms but cool the relationship. Or, your husband could have a word with the husband. (My late father-in-law, a very kind and sweet man, was born in Asia but often would say things that we regarded as politically incorrect but he really didn't know what he was saying was wrong. We would tell him 'You just can't say that any more dad'. Finally, perhaps have a quiet word with the wife - saying that your husband was a little hurt by something her husband said.

I would hate people to think that just because we are married I agree with or condone everything my husband thinks or says He's a Tory I'd rather die than vote Tory ! I wouldn't in general pull him up in public though

Difficult without knowing all the facts.

But I guess I would see it as an opportunity to continue being friends and educated them by just being friendly and welcoming that race does not matter when it come to making friends or being friends.
At a later date you could bring up that remark and tell them it upset you to lead to a discussion around it.

RACISM I suggest reading "8 everyday ways to confront racism" nnedv.org/latest_update/8-everyday-ways-to-fight-racism". I have found it helpful.

I’d remain civil but keep the friendship level cool. They were kind to you when you needed it whatever they think about your husband’s race.
If the wife asks why you seem less than friendly, you could explain that you found the racist remarks unacceptable.
As the remark was about him, what is your husband prepared to do about it?

The thing about people making racist remarks that maddens me is the assumption that you feel the same way, that you're somehow in the same club as them. As far as neighbours go, it's always been my policy to get on with them, however odd they are because it's so uncomfortable to not get along with people you see every day, but this might be a bridge too far. I'd have to make it quite clear that I don't agree with what's said and don't like to hear it.

I suggest reading '8 Everyday Ways to Confront Racism'. I have found it helpful

I experienced a similar situation with a couple who we considered as close friends. The first comment was made and I brushed it off as the person concerned had been drinking but on the second occasion I decided enough was enough and we haven’t seen them since. The comments were directed to our grandson who is mixed race. With hindsight I should have tackled it at the time and then they would both know quite clearly why we no longer wish to be in their company, but for whatever reason I didn’t tackle him. My regret.

I dropped a long standing friend because of her vile racism (amongst other things) . We had been friends for more than 10 years at that point.
If his wife wasn't present when her husband used racist remarks then unless you tell her she will be very confused as to why you have stopped speaking?
I would side with my partner every time, especially over something so nasty.

Without knowing the actual comment, I can't say if it was racist or not. Was it an old fashioned term? Not necessarily meant to be racist? When I was younger it was correct to say coloured and not black. Half cast rather than mixed race. My mother in law said mongol rather than downs syndrome. I volunteered at an ESN school, then education sub normal. I hate most of the old terms and glad they have changed but maybe the husband just needs to be made aware of the new terms. In my view he would not have helped if was actually racist. Racist behaviour is the opposite of helpful.

It's tricky. You can be on quite friendly terms with someone and then go right off them when they start making racist remarks. If it's someone who has been kind and helpful to you, it's particularly difficult. Be polite but keep your distance would be my advice, or eventually you will get angry and there will be a row.

It isn't always easy to answer back. One of our neighbours, although ostensibly friendly, has made the odd racist remark although she knows (obviously) that my husband is Indian. I have just frozen with embarrassment at the time, and later come up with a crushing reply which I should have said at the time but didn't.

I had a friend that I liked a lot. She knew my mixed race family, but eventually turned out to be fairly racist. And has become more so, since the advent of BLM. I tried friendly discussions with her, because I found it hard to believe that at heart she was a bad person. But there was no room for manoeuvre with her. And sadly and reluctantly, I cut her off. I still miss her.

Quotes from a previous posts, only just read.
Factfinder said she had not heard the remarks made by the male neighbour, but was told by her husband to cease contact with him and his wife.
easybee:"You have to use your own judgement here, but I would want evidence of racism first hand before I agreed to 'unfriend' a neighbour who was not involved and had been very kind to me."
hithere: "That would mean OP does not believe her husband and does not support him unless she hears it with her own ears - implying he is a liar."

It does not imply he is a liar; it simply does not accord with her own judgement of the wife.Far better for to get to know them and form her own judgement, as to whether they are racist. Would you unfriend someone because your husband ordered you to?
Sounds like coercive control to me.

So neither you nor the wife were present or witnessed these comments which could mean that the wife knows nothing of it at all. Which makes a lot of these comments neither viable nor factual, it’s all guess work and judgemental on the wife. If you and your husband are not comfortable with them as close friends move on and just be courteous neighbours.

I think Nanna&Grampy.. Have the best advice here, I too would be afraid to pull my husband up in front of others, but I would definitely have my say in private.

As you get on well with the woman I would tell her that your husband is upset by some of the racist remarks her husband has made. If she's reasonable she will have a word with her husband and if it means the friendship goes sour that's a pity but you have to put your husband first,

Pleas don't make a judgement so easily about the wife not correcting her husband. You know nothing of the nature of their relationship or if indeed whether, once indoors, she gave him a complete b.....king about his behavour. She may not have wanted the victim of his remarks to have been even more embarrassed.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Racism is vile but you can't affect change without communication. I would be inclined to maintain contact, tackle any issues and hope that friendship would reframe their thinking. If that didn't work, I'd cut contact.

There is no need for that kind of behaviour, stear clear of them is my advice.

Racist remarks are unacceptable what ever the context. BUT some people are just plain stupid, uneducated, rude and ignorant

Tolerance works both ways and while you can be tolerant of this man's ignorant remarks, if it happens again a short sharp reprimand may be all that's needed, otherwise steer clear.

I am finding is increasingly difficult to 'tolerate' bigots of any kind and reckon that life is hard enough without having toxic people around

If you like his wife then be friends by all means, I have many a good friend whose husbands I don't get on with, but if this man can't mend his manners then he doesn't deserve to be part of the group

As with all the decisions we make we have to be prepared to suffer the consequences of our chosen words, actions and beliefs

Jillybird, I was just about to say the same thing.
Actions speak louder than words.
This couple were kind and helpful when they needn’t have been. I wouldn’t cut them off in the light of their kindness.

Maybe the husband’s remark was not intended to be insulting. Without knowing what was said, I am reluctant to pass judgement. I know my parents used to say things which were not insulting or deliberately racist, but used language which would not be acceptable today. Times have changed and we know to be more careful.
If anything is said again, you will be ready for it and can speak out,

I am the white wife of a Jamaican man - 37 years! We have dealt with a lot of underhand racism. I do call it out calmly and gently if necessary. But when it's your neighbours, it's hard. I would be polite, chatty with the wife, and see how things go. I don't sit down to eat at the same table with people who are clearly racist. We are just about to move and although the vendors say the neighbours are lovely, we don't know how lovely they will be. My current next door neighbours have been lovely for the past 22 years (they are overtly Christian and go to church regularly), but when I said we were selling to a gay male couple, who were very nice, there was a noticeable inhale of breath. They have not been very chatty since. I am sure they will warm to our buyers, but I do worry. All I can say is keep it light! Wave and say hello! You can't change some people. They deserve their place in hell!!

Just pass yourself with them, say hello, nice weather, etc and leave it at that. The man is rude and his wife maybe doesn't say anything to him cos she's scared of him, not necessarily agreeing with what he says.
I have a friend who's hubby us always picking on me especially about my red hair, Ginger Whinger is his favourite saying. It's tedious and I've got to the stage I don't want to socialize with them anymore, she doesn't tell him to stop and her and I have been friends for nearly 40 years. I'm on my own and I'm sure if I'd a man beside me he wouldn't do it.
Some nasty people out there and why would we want to be friends with them. Give them a wide berth I'd say.

My advice to you as a person with adult kids that are bi-racial would be to not immediately cut off contact if they were kind. If you do that the man who said it will never learn what he did wrong perhaps give it another chance if only for him to be educated. You likely should have said something at the time but since you did not you could either bring it up now and have that conversation to see if there is any hope in going forward or you could wait and see if he says anything else that is racist and call him on it immediately.
If he does not apologize and learn from it then all of you will know why the friendship ended.