Should we cut off contact?

This is a difficult one for you. What if you need help in the future you have obviously both needed and accepted their help before?
The chap helped or let his wife help you. I think I would keep friendly with the wife and just bring it up accidentally how racist remarks upset your husband and of course you. Tell your husband you will mention it in an informal way if it occurs again. None of us knows when we might need help and a friendly wave might be all that is needed.

Factfinder doesn’t say whether or not her husband confronted the man but I don’t think it is the issue. If people who experience racism confronted it every time it happened they would never be done and I don’t imagine it is ever easy. It is a choice and I don’t see why people find it so difficult to imagine why someone might not do so on any given occasion though we don’t know that this is the case here. It is up to white people to confront racism in ourselves and in each other, not leave it up to the people who are having it directed at them or demand that they do do. Also I don’t think we are being asked to judge whether this man was/is racist or not or are in a position to be able to do so if we were. Factfinder’s husband has been quite clear as to what he thinks and wants to do. You seem a bit uncertain about whether you should do the same as him, Factfinder. Does he want you to? Do you think he is right in doing what he wants to do himself? Will he feel betrayed by you if you don’t follow his lead. How much have you discussed it? Will discussing it make greater problems between you? It is not an easy situation but I think you need to be always taking into consideration which relationship is most important to you. Good luck.

Although I agree that language is very important and often reflects underlying prejudices, I sometimes think the term "political correctness" suggests that addressing all forms of prejudice just needs the "correct" words to be used in order to adhere to the "rules".

Someone upthread told her relative "we just can't say things like that any more", implying that it's the words we use rather than the attitudes underlying those words that are the issue. It's certainly a start to make people think about the words they use, but it would be better if people understood why certain words and expressions are disrespectful and hurtful. Of course, it isn't always possible to change people's thinking if they are deeply embedded but to just think it terms of "correctness" does not really address unspoken prejudices. And people can say all the "right" things but body language a patronising, abrupt or dismissive tone of voice and a stony expression can speak volumes.

You don't know, maybe the wife tackled the husband's remarks when they were in the privacy of their own home. No one likes to be called out in public because it makes them look small. But I agree with the other comments: be on nodding terms, and if they need any help in the future, make sure you're there for them, but you don't have to be 'best' friends with them. The husband may have meant the remarks in a joking way but any remark, whether in jest or seriously meant, should not be said - or tolerated.

Am I being thick here?

The OP doesn’t clarify her husbands nationality or skin colour (and I am not suggesting that she should or need to)

Why then is it assumed that the OP husband is neither white nor British?

Some people are sadly unaware that some remarks are racist, it's possible there was no negative intention and it's down to a habit of speech and unexamined ideas. That dosen't make it any easier to hear, nor is it an excuse, but may make it easier to understand and therefore inform your decision about how to manage the situation, if, indeed that is what accounts for their behavious. You may, for example, decide to tell them how it makes you feel. I'm sure some of the things I said 50+ years ago - with every intention of being an anti-racist - could today be interpreted as racist, our ideas and understanding changes over time and not everyone keeps up. I agree with SuziHi that you can be good neighbours and help each other out without being friends.

I think it depends on the nature of the remarks. If they are to do with using the wrong language to describe people of colour, for example, it may be that he is ignorant as to what is acceptable. A quiet word with the wife explaining that his terminology upset your husband might put things right. If however the remarks are derogatory, that is more difficult to deal with. It maybe worth still mentioning it to the wife. It’s worth a try!

Actions speak louder than words , people do sometimes make mistakes - perhaps confront the issue with them - it may have been a forgivable error - we live in such unforgiving times

I would pull away..I completely understand that you didnt say anything at the time...not everyone wants to be confrontational...actions speak louder than words

You nor wife were present so second hand. Did your DH hear exactly what was said and in what context. If the comment was truely racist and your DH did nothing then maybe the H thinks your DH accepts what was said.

This thread has left me with more questions than answers tbh. First, if my husband absolutely did not want us to socialize with the new neighbors, then we would not socialize with the neighbors. He is a reasonable person, he'd do the same for me and he comes first.

But I didn't understand here if that was what he said or if he just said he does not want to interact with the man, but does not mind if you maintain contact with the woman. In that case, I don't see a problem with it if you like her, though maybe you wouldn't want to become besties with her (besides, as has been mentioned, it can be awkward when a friendship with a neighbor doesn't work out).

I too am curious about what the man said because as has also been mentioned here, some people are just a little sheltered and clueless and don't even realize they've said something racist. I might give some leeway there IF the husband would want to reconsider.

I absolutely do not blame the husband (or the man's wife) for not speaking up right then. Sometimes you can be too stunned by an unexpected zinger to react immediately and then it's usually far better imo to err on the side of keeping one's trap shut lol. It's also perfectly reasonable to make your decisions about someone privately as you get to know them. You are not obligated to discuss anything with them or try to work anything out with someone you just met; that would be just one option that you have.

Have nothing to do with them. I am at an age now where I have cut ties with many people for various reasons, and wish I had done it years ago.

If his wife wasn't around when the comments was made doe's she even know anything about it ? as her husband could of made the remarks not even knowing he had upset your husband, so they both could be oblivious he is upset (depending on what was said as we don't know).
It would be best if you could all address it and see what this man as to say because I bet it wasn't meant to hurt your husband, just words. Yes I know he shouldn't be racist but we are only getting on side of the story and not all of it either.

It would be so sad "to have nothing to do with them'. They are neighbours. Surely we all want to have the best relationship we can with neighbours. You don't have to be best friends but it is so important that neighbours are there for each other. We all have faults. No -one is perfect. If another racist comment is made then it can be gently pointed out that you disagree.

Good point mumofmadboys. This all started by the neighbours being kind when the OP needed it. So being there for them, not necessarily good friends, and pointing out that you disagree if it happens again seems a good way to go.

But she may be frightened of her h to say anything,give her a break as we do not know her life style.

Imagine if the man made a derogatory/nasty comment about you and your kind. What would you expect of your husband?

Lollin

Imagine if the man made a derogatory/nasty comment about you and your kind. What would you expect of your husband?

My husband would suggest we avoid unnecessary contact.
What would you expect your husband to do?

mollygo I was only responding to the dilemma factfinder is having by suggesting one way to think it through would be to think about it by stepping into her husband’s shoes. I was trying to be rhetorical

Why don't you challenge such comments at the time. Ie. What do you mean by that, do you have a problem with my/his nationality, I find your comments rascist. You let things go unchallenged and it's as if you agree with them. It's no good just ignoring them, he probably won't even know why.

jeanrobinson

RACISM I suggest reading "8 everyday ways to confront racism" nnedv.org/latest_update/8-everyday-ways-to-fight-racism". I have found it helpful.

thanks for the link, but it was page not found, when i put it in.
i have though found it at the following link:

nnedv.org/latest_update/8-everyday-ways-to-fight-racism/

I think I would get to know them better and educate them.