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AIBU to expect some support -

(21 Posts)
Flakesdayout Sun 09-May-21 10:59:53

A few of you will remember my thread about my OH and his hobby and how almost obsessive it is. (long time ago) Things between us improved during lockdown and whilst we have different likes and dislikes we were ok. Now that lockdown has eased and his hobby is at the fore again I am feeling totally fed up, quite hurt and almost resentful.. I have returned to work full time, after a very long period of sickness, although have just reduced my hours to 30 per week. I do all the cooking, cleaning, housework ,well almost everything apart from Sunday when he cooks dinner and I am fortunate in that my house is quite spacious but I do expect him to clean up after himself and as we sleep separately due to his early morning starts and snoring, to change his bed and throw the duster around. AIBU in expecting just a little help around the house. His routine is that he comes in from work, eats dinner, gets on his phone, watches tv, bath and bed. We do not have time to talk or discuss much. Please tell me, is this is normal as I look at other couples who seem to do so much together and when I have asked him to come for a walk with me, apparently I cannot walk fast enough. As I said I am feeling quite hurt, resentful and wondering if it is time to call it a day.

nadateturbe Sun 09-May-21 11:03:32

I don't mean to be rude but, Do you really need to ask?

midgey Sun 09-May-21 11:06:45

I’m with Nadatetude!

Peasblossom Sun 09-May-21 11:17:26

So exactly why are you staying in this relationship?

Three good reasons, other than fear of being alone🙂

Madgran77 Sun 09-May-21 11:32:49

Well if it was OK during known then maybe this relationship isn't dead, just unbalanced. He won't know tge problem if it has been as you describe for tears and you have uncomplainingly slogged on! I suggest you discuss how you are feeling g with him and why. Not on an accusatory way but tgat you are unhappy that all your spare time is taken up with keeping fge home going, tgat you would like to share the work out more so that you both have a balance of fine etc. His responses will tell you whether to keep going or call it a day! flowers

Madgran77 Sun 09-May-21 11:33:21

...during lockdown ..

cornishpatsy Sun 09-May-21 12:05:38

It sounds as though you are already quite separate, you say "..I am fortunate in that my house is quite spacious" as opposed to our house and you ask for help around the house whereas he would not be helping you but sharing the work.

This does not sound like a partnership but more of a tenant landlady relationship.

You know it is time for a proper talk about how you feel and to listen to how he feels.

Redhead56 Sun 09-May-21 12:07:17

You don’t say how old you both are or how long you have been together. Do you have family do you usually socialise etc before COVID?

allsortsofbags Sun 09-May-21 12:19:11

I don't mean to be rude either but you seem to be describing either living with a house mate or the equivalent of a teenager.

I am sad that your situation clearly leaves you feeling, abandoned, unloved and uncared for. Dealing with those feelings of rejection and loss is a very a difficult and painful situation and only you can change that situation.

You either accept that your husband is how he is, it is his choice to be that way and your asking will not change him, you've tried that and got nowhere.

Or you look to build a meaningful life for yourself either sharing your current abode with your house mate or in a place of your own.

I understand the legal status and I'm sure as husband and wife you have shared responsibilities, costs and maybe assets but you clearly don't have an emotional or psychological relationship.

If your relationship is as you describe there is no respect and no caring, is it reasonable to want those in a relationship - yes.

Are you likely to get those in from your husband ?

Asking us if he is being unreasonable is one thing but our opinions and insights can not change him or improve life for you.

You describe that lack very clearly so you are clear about what your relationship is like yet you ask GNers are you being unreasonable to ask for help around the house or for your husband to interact with you.

Well no you are not being unreasonable to ask for those things but you already know you don't get those things from your husband.

What is it about you and your situation that you do not want to accept yet you can describe the reality you live with clearly?

A reality as described by you - is one where your husband does not want to be a life partner, a loving, caring companion to you. That is sad, it is lonely it is disrespectful, it is unreasonable, it is many things - I think it is abusive - look at the Women's Aid web site for domestic Abuse.

However, GNers can sympathise, empathise but even if we say your husband isn't being fair to you ( I don't think he is being fair) what can anyone other than you do to change your relationship and therefore you daily life experiences?

You write clearly about his avoidance techniques and his lack of engagement with you and his outright refusal to change his avoidance of anything meaningful or caring towards you. As sad and as wrong as that is HE is doing that and YOU complain but don't do anything to take better care of yourself. He's not going to give you the care you want, you know this.

From what you have written on both your posts you've tried to reason with him but you can't change him, he's made it clear he will not change and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make him change.

Only you can change you. Only you can make your life better, he won't, he doesn't want to as you've already explained in your posts.

It's sad, it hurts, it's lonely, it's unfair, he is unreasonable, I'd say he's abusive and he's clear he will not change to make you happy.

Are you being Unreasonable to ask him to help in the house or engage with you? YES you are.

You are being Unreasonable to yourself.

You are because you already know he will not do those things. He will not be the life partner you want him to be.
You Are Being Unreasonable because asking him to be who he will not be is You setting YOURSELF up to be hurt.

He has Stopped being your Husband - Stop looking for him to be that.

He is not being the life partner you are worth.
But most of all STOP being his wife. Stop doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning. STOP setting yourself up for hurt.

START finding ways to Accept the painful reality you have described in your post.

START take better care of YOU - YOURSELF.

START using your time to find ways to change your life For You.

YOU are WORTH MORE than you have now but only you can get that More for you.

Good Luck and Take Care of Yourself

Esspee Sun 09-May-21 12:29:09

Perhaps you should take a break from doing things for you both. No laundry, no cooking, no cleaning etc.
Then, when he notices just tell him that unless he starts pulling his weight you are on strike.
In the meantime (or better still before), get your ducks in a row. By this I mean start listing and photocopying details of all the assets of the marriage, property, bank accounts, shares, pensions etc. Should you divorce your husband your solicitor will need all this information.
If you decide to leave please take half of any assets before he has a chance to leave you penniless.
You asked if your situation is normal. Not in my experience. In a partnership work is shared. In my case I do more of the domestic work but he does loads of handyman stuff yet still can change the bedding and hang out a washing and we fight over who should be cooking the dinner because we both enjoy cooking.
You don’t say how old you are but it sounds as though you no longer have a physical relationship. That is really sad.
In your position I would be calling it a day.

Hithere Sun 09-May-21 12:55:33

Have you talked to your husband and told him he needs to step up?

Jaxjacky Sun 09-May-21 13:45:13

Why are you still doing all these things for him? If he wants to sleep in dirty bedding, let him, he can cook his own meals. Perhaps if you stop doing everything you can then have more time yourself, he should realise something is up and both make time for you to tell him what you’ve told us.

Flakesdayout Mon 10-May-21 12:00:40

Thank you all for your replies. I have just re read my post and you are all right and if I was reading this from someone else I would be thinking the same. We are both in our early 60's and live in my house. He gives me a monthly amount to cover bills. Yesterday we had words and it wasn't a particularly nice day and the childish strop lasted most of the day until I cooked dinner. So yes changes are coming. Thank you all so much

grandtanteJE65 Mon 10-May-21 12:09:54

If you have always done all the housework etc. you cannot really expect your OH to realise that you would appreciate some help.

So sit him down and say there are some changes you would like to make.

It sounds to me as if he believes that making Sunday dinner is adequate .

You need to be prepared to say exactly what you would like him to take on of domestic work as his responsibility - not as "help".

You should also be prepared for him to refuse - after all you have never asked him to do anything before, have you?

Bluebellwould Mon 10-May-21 12:26:49

You can always live separate lives together which avoids the huge upheaval of separating and divorce. Just do your own washing, cooking for your own meals only, cleaning, financial affairs etc. Live as if he wasn’t there. Can you make a separate living room for yourself only or turn your bedroom into a bed/sitting room then you wouldn’t have to see him all the time. Make your own social life as well. Do what you want when you want it and stop trying to be a couple. It will either make or break the relationship but it might allow you to be happier if you concentrate on yourself. Good luck.

MerylStreep Mon 10-May-21 13:14:17

How many times are you going to ask for advice on this forum.
You have mentioned several issues over time.
Good people have spent time giving you advice and here you are again.
Your not listening, are you?

Flakesdayout Tue 11-May-21 14:38:43

We had a discussion last night and I think he now realises that change must come. Dont worry Meryl I wont ask again and I must apologise if anyone thinks they are wasting their time

Madgran77 Tue 11-May-21 14:54:40

How many times are you going to ask for advice on this forum. You have mentioned several issues over time. Good people have spent time giving you advice and here you are again. Your not listening, are you?

If only life and decisions were so simple!!

Sometimes it takes a long time, a lot of thinking and a lot of going over the same ground to see the way forward - especially in relation to difficult and sometimes abusive relationships. Apparent lack of action does NOT mean lack of listening. If people feel cross because someone keeps asking, they don't need to bother to answer to do!!

Flakes please do keep asking, telling and listening whilst you negotiate the way forward whatever you decide. flowers

SpringyChicken Tue 11-May-21 15:15:38

Meryl Streep does't speak for all of us, Flakesdayout. If she feels you are wasting her time, she doesn't have to read your posts or reply. Other G'netters are only too pleased to advise you.

manny Tue 11-May-21 22:19:06

I think I recognise a great deal of your situation. Did many of the things suggested here: doing only my laundry, not changing husband’s bed and so on. Don’t think he even noticed!
But, Flakesdayout, I completely understand that you might be feeling very torn. I’ve left, but still I’m not sure it was the right thing to do. In my case too, the hobby was obssessive.
You’re certainly not wasting anyone’s time here.

Mary59nana Wed 12-May-21 13:52:26

Meryl Streep
Ever heard it said Please be kind ?
You never know one day you might need some kindness.