Gransnet forums


Daughter In Law

(20 Posts)
justgottavent Sat 15-May-21 20:37:34

Dear MIL;

Long stories to be shared I am certain. I need a safe place to vent. I do not need to be lectured on how to think, feel, speak or act. Seriously, I just need to vent now and then. I need to hear other reasonable MIL's share their issues as well. A thread where we can share without an avalanche of armchair psychologists telling us how to be. MIL do not get to choose the DIL anymore than she chooses the MIL. At the end of the day we are stuck with one another. In an ideal situation that would make us happy. My situation is less than ideal.

What I am grateful for is my grandchildren and the notion that my son is happily married and loving his life. I pray that they both feel that way.

The rest is to be worked out - I am trying. It is very difficult. Anyone else have the same need?


LovelyCuppa Sat 15-May-21 21:06:59

I'm sure lots of MILs feel the same! You don't really say what these issues are?

Callistemon Sat 15-May-21 21:58:31

I need a safe place to vent

I'm not sure that this would be it as everything is on the internet, available to all and posters can be identified.

justgottavent Sat 15-May-21 23:12:40

Hi there,
So many episodes. DIL is an extremely controlling girl. Her mom told me that 5 years ago. The mom is right. The mom is a controlling woman. The southern woman family. I am a northern woman from a patriarchal family structure. I cannot relate. DIL mom still controls her and the entire family including my son. And where she leaves off DIL takes over. It is an ugly scene in my opinion. I just watch them dance. The DIL mother told them that when she is there she does not want me there. She said she wants her time to be special. They honor her wishes. Fine I guess watching the power struggle between the 2 women and listening to the southern cackle is a bit much anyway.

I do my best to stay out the whole mess. But the control issues spill over on to me and I have had to keep my mouth shut do long I am exhausted from it. It takes the joy out of life.

I do not like talking with friends about it. I feel guilty about that. My son loves her. I have to say that I hope he loves the structure he is in, but it would sadden me.

I will share details another time.

Grammaretto Sat 15-May-21 23:18:52

Luckily she didn't marry you - only your son!.
I am so glad my DC are loved and loving in return. I can't find fault in my DiLs or my SiL, not that I am looking for it.
Back off is my advice.

BlueBelle Sat 15-May-21 23:23:25

No comment

Hithere Sat 15-May-21 23:24:50

1. So the other mil (dil's mother) is very controlling and accuses her daughter of being controlling - that is rich!
No wonder the daughter learned from the mother!

2. You also have a culture shock as your family has a different structure

There is nothing you can do here.
Son and dil have to realize it is not healthy and a change is needed

What you can do is refuse to engage with the other mil and the power struggle.
Two cannot fight if one refuses to engage

Shelflife Sat 15-May-21 23:32:09

I understand the situation is not what you would like. However you recognize your son loves his wife and his life. On that basis there is not much to say ! other than leave well alone .

justgottavent Sun 16-May-21 00:13:37

You are lucky. My SIL is fabulous. So he is my fav. Thx for the advice but I was just looking to vent.

justgottavent Sun 16-May-21 00:15:56

Hithere - love your reply. When we get it we get it. We get it. I never engage in any of the power struggles. I just get blown away every now and then. Those who never do- blessed are they!!

NotSpaghetti Sun 16-May-21 01:56:55

Well, maybe take comfort in the love your son gives, and the love he receives.
Everything else that is a positive after that, is simply a bonus.

justgottavent Sun 16-May-21 05:14:39

NotSpaghetti~ so true. I take joy in that. We used to have such a great time - his sister and he & I. We had open arms to friends and family. We had all of our families together when they were growing up. All their grands are gone now and their dad. I am alone. It must not be much fun for them with me alone. She has both her parents. Her mom never worked. I taught university and part-time at hospital to earn enough to take care if us all. I still work 40-50 hours per week running my own company. Her folks are retired. I am resigned to it and yet days like this one make me wish I had a spouse to confide in or a shoulder to lean on. I have my faith and my practice. Her family has none. They celebrate Christmas the consumer way and I do not -never did. Sometimes, knowing who son was; how he was; I wonder what is happening for him. My heart aches a little. Silently.

ElaineI Sun 16-May-21 23:02:58

Sorry but I don't believe this is a real post. This is 2021!

M0nica Sun 16-May-21 23:45:29

Our children grow up to be independent adults and make their own lives their way for good and ill.

We just have to sit back and let them get on with it. Any comment by us is the first step to estrangement, my rule has always been to greet every step to independence with joy, zip my lip and leave them to get on with it. So far so good.

Apart from anything else I was young in the 1960s and we threw the rule book in the air and set it alight. Who am I to do anything except accept AC's decisions, for good or ill.

justgottavent Mon 17-May-21 00:30:09

Well there we have it. The enlightened and the folks who have it all worked out perfectly. You have missed the point. But for the record - glad you have time to coach the rest of the minions.

welbeck Mon 17-May-21 00:55:34

OP comes across as perhaps just a teeny-weeny bit smug, maybe ?

justgottavent Mon 17-May-21 01:32:59

Gotta wonder why some click the thread.

Hithere Mon 17-May-21 12:00:43


Your son doesnt have the life you thought he thought he would have - like Elsa says "let it go"

It was never in your hands and comparing how both families decide to live comes across as petty and childish (on your part )

M0nica Mon 17-May-21 12:13:47


You have misunderstood me! I was merely saying that since we cannot choose MiL, DiL, and we all know that can happen, usually from childhood experience, I had a grandmother who did not like my mother, or me because I was too like her. What cannot be cured must be endured. I found that phrase helpful.

I have just not had your laudable desire to work it out. I cannot be bothered.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 17-May-21 12:18:57

Sorry....this whole thing sounds manufactured to me. If it isn’t, then it’s no wonder there are problems!😮