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Best way to announce wedding plans to former in laws?

(20 Posts)
pen50 Sun 16-May-21 13:53:50

My husband died a few years ago. He came from a large, close knit family, and I have several brother- and sisters-in-law. I now have a new man and we are planning to get married in the autumn. The kids (two of his; two of mine with late DH; two from late DH's first marriage) are all happy and pleased about this.

I feel slightly that relationships with my former in-laws are not quite as good as I would expect. One has kept in touch in a intermittent but not unpleasant fashion; one sends Christmas cards; the others ignore both me and the cards I send.

Late DH was a hugely charismatic and larger than life personality, made - and lost - a lot of money during his lifetime, and unfortunately died at a financial low point with out leaving much for me. So I moved to a modest house in a cheap location, found a job, and have been supporting myself and youngest child since. I haven't shared the financial situation with the in-laws but I assume they must realise that the great wodges of cash that DH used to spend so freely are no longer available. But maybe not, maybe they think I'm being tight?

Anyway, that was then; I feel I owe them some sort of announcement, but how to do it? Notecard, letter, email, phone call? (preferably not the last, I'm not good at calls!) Advice and suggested wording gratefully received.

aggie Sun 16-May-21 14:00:58

I think I would send identical cards to each and everyone of them , saying you would like them to know that you and (name ) are embarking on a new Marriage and hoping for their good wishes

M0nica Sun 16-May-21 14:04:36

I agree with Aggie

Kamiso Sun 16-May-21 14:07:46

Congratulations and best wishes for the future. You presumably had enough happy times as you are planning to repeat the experience.

I would send a note to those who have maintained some kind of contact with you just to keep them in the loop. I am sure some of the GN wordsmiths will help with appropriate wording.

timetogo2016 Mon 17-May-21 09:48:01

I too agree with aggie.
And i wish you all the happiness in the world,congratulations.

jaylucy Mon 17-May-21 09:54:24

I'd say a card in the post will do, saying that you thought that it was best that you let them know and hope that they will wish you well.
There is still a part of me, however, that due to the lack of contact with you,(they may no longer consider you a family member since your husband is no longer alive) I'm not 100% sure that they even deserve anything!

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 17-May-21 10:28:07

I think a card would be nice, although if they see the GCs they probably already know, maybe that’s why they are a bit ‘ off’.

biglouis Tue 18-May-21 02:06:46

I would send them all identical formal cards with a brief announcement but would not feel obliged to invite them to the wedding. If the older members have not gone out of their way to support you when you were widowed then you owe them nothing.

BlueberryPie Tue 18-May-21 02:25:36

I'd send a standard, impersonal announcement to the former in-laws who have responded to your Christmas cards and such and nothing to the ones who haven't, if you're looking for an easy guideline. It seems to me that by that, they've it pretty clear which ones are interested in maintaining any kind of contact with you and which ones would just as soon let it go. Or, I think it would also be okay to send that announcement all of them or none of them as you prefer. Best wishes!

BlueberryPie Tue 18-May-21 02:29:18

Also, I'd send these out after the wedding, just so there's no confusion or chance for anyone to cause a problem. I once sent an announcement about one of my kids' graduations and had to fend off a rather distant friend who mistook the announcement for an invitation and bought plane tickets and so on to attend. My child was moving out just a couple of days after the graduation so I did not want to house or entertain her.

Hithere Tue 18-May-21 02:41:05

May I ask you, OP, why you feel you need to tell your former ILs?

vegansrock Tue 18-May-21 06:56:37

Next time you send Christmas cards sign it love from y and x ( we got married in the summer) , leave it at that. They may have heard from the children anyway. I wouldn’t tell them beforehand.

dragonfly46 Tue 18-May-21 07:03:13

I don’t think it is necessary to tell them. They have not gone out of their way to stay in touch. I would do what Vegansrock suggested.

Calendargirl Tue 18-May-21 07:07:57

I partly agree with what BlueberryPie said, in that if you send cards out beforehand, the ex relatives might mistakenly interpret it as a wedding invitation.

If you do it afterwards, there would be no misunderstanding.

Calendargirl Tue 18-May-21 07:08:30

Just a ‘fait accompli’.

glammanana Tue 18-May-21 07:39:26

I don't think it is any one else's business only your's and drop them a card after the wedding.
Very best of luck for the future.

mumofmadboys Tue 18-May-21 08:38:27

I would send them hand written notes and just say you have some happy news you want to share with them. Having told them the news you could say something like 'I will obviously always miss X but know he would want me to make the most of the rest of my life.' Wishing you every happiness in the future.

Katie59 Tue 18-May-21 09:05:05

I wouldn’t worry about it, your children will probably already have told the in-laws about he new man, marriage is the natural next step. Just maintain existing contact routine, it’s up to them if they change their attitude, as you said it’s several years, why would reasonable people object.

Cabbie21 Tue 18-May-21 09:53:50

I see no reason to make a formal announcement. Add a note next time you are in contact eg Christmas. If you are not in contact with some of them, don’t bother.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 26-May-21 13:32:31

Either a formal identical notification to the whole gang

"I just want to let you know that N.N. and I are getting married on (date).

As it is a second marriage for both of us the ceremony will be private.

Or a postcard from wherever you go on your honeymoon stating N.N. and I were married last week, as perhaps the kids already have told you.

If you are feeling very forgiving to those who didn't bother to offer support when you were widowed ( I wouldn't be) add drop in for coffee between 3 and 4 next Saturday at our address.

Congratulations to you both.