Starting a relationship

My husband of forty years died 2 and a half years ago. I married him at age 19 after having quite a few boyfriends. The thought of getting jiggy with someone else makes me feel really sick. The thought of washing someone else’s crusty underpants and cheesy socks is just so off putting. Is it really worth all the stress just for some romance? I am genuinely interested in why people seek another partner when, at our age, the new person will come with serious baggage like children, ex partners, financial problems and bad habits that you can’t train them out of. Do people go for another relationship because it’s expected of them?
There are times when I’m ill that I would like someone to be there or when nobody else helps around the house, but I can honestly say that I am happier to be on my own.
Perhaps it’s the case, at least for me, that having had a wonderful husband (most of the time), I couldn’t contemplate what might turn out to be second best. It would also dilute what I felt for my husband and I would feel disloyal to him. Just my thoughts on the subject, if I’ve gone off topic then I’m sorry.

It ia amazing that you want to start a relationship. In my opinion, it is very difficult to find a good dating site. But after some time of searching, I found a wonderful place where I found a review of the best dating sites and then found love trying one I saw there. So I recommend you freematuredatingapps.com/ where you will find a place where you will meet a person who will really love and appreciate you, and who will not behave ambiguously and strangely.

I understand that, in theory, it's better if you can meet someone in person via a club or mutual interest, but there are several difficulties with this.
First, many suitable groups are still not meeting in person, and meanwhile another summer is slipping away.
Second, in most such groups the females vastly outnumber the males. This doesn't mean a woman won't meet anyone suitable, but it does reduce the odds.
Also, some of the incompatibilities encountered or anticipated in online relationships can happen just as easily in a real-life situation.
So give OLD a go, what have you got to lose? The people there are not a different species, they're still individuals with all the range of qualities you meet in real life. You'll soon spot the schemers or fakes, but most people out there are sincere and lonely and feel just as vulnerable and sensitive as you. Good luck!

Sadly, not all on line daters are honest, posting pictures from long ago, and lying about their ages, etc.

Far better and safer to join clubs. (Your local U3A will have many ) In that way you will be able to see folk over a period of time, probably meet people with similar interests, so that find a like spirit.

Peace333

Those dating sites are terrible. You would be much better off starting a walking group or book club in your neighbourhood or joining one. It’s a great way to meet people and there’s no pressure to date anyone. The best relationships are when you develop a friendship first before dating.

Sorry you have had that experience Peace333. My experience was that you are in control. It was a steep learning curve but I got really good at attracting replies from decent people and I am pleased to say that those I chose to meet (not many) were all gentlemen (apart from the Church of Scotland minister who had a wife).

As someone who owes their current contentment to OLD I feel you are being too quick to judge these men.

The first example where you felt he was courting too soon after the death of his wife, how can you possibly know the state of their marriage before she died? He may have known she was dying and done a lot of mourning before she passed or he might have been bereft having had such a wonderful marriage that he is just trying to find that happiness again.

The second example sounds like someone who has experienced meeting up with women who looks nothing like their photograph. A couple of men mentioned to me that they were surprised to find me recognisable from my photograph as most women seemed to be much older in real life.

My advice to you is keep the correspondence going until you feel you know them. Speak on the phone before arranging a meet up. Be honest with photos and information about yourself but keep some things private. e.g. he doesn’t need to know that your mortgage is paid off but does need to know if you are solvent.

OLD is fun, safe and a learning curve. Enjoy.

Those dating sites are terrible. You would be much better off starting a walking group or book club in your neighbourhood or joining one. It’s a great way to meet people and there’s no pressure to date anyone. The best relationships are when you develop a friendship first before dating.

You say ‘I would like to find a new gentleman’. This seems to imply there was a previous one - are you a widow, a divorcee? - and how does that colour what you are looking for now?

What exactly are you looking for in a new chap? Someone to accompany you to social activities, a pal, a lover, a husband, a soul mate...? And whatever the answer to that, why are you looking for someone to fill that role? What is missing from your life now that a new chap would supply?

I think it helps enormously if you have a clear goal in your own mind. It’s rather unlikely that you’ll identify someone to fill all those roles in one person via a dating site, but if you narrow down what you are looking to achieve, you may have some success. Bear in mind that many of the chaps on these sites have specific expectations in their heads, which may not be obvious to begin with - a replacement wife, a caregiver, a cook-housekeeper, a sexual partner, someone to organise his life... What role or roles are you willing to fill in someone else’s life?

Go with your gut. Get clued up about "grooming" & if they even ask you for the price of a stamp albeit you've met him several times & get on well, refuse! Make an excuse because it could be the start of something you'll regret. Look up Romance Fraud on line.
I've known several women have successful relationships but keep your antenna up. There are s lot of predators out there. Good luck & have fun but also, take care of your health if you know what I mean

I would definitely go with your instincts with online dating. If you don't feel comfortable don't do it! A friend met her DH after joining an actual (not online) social group, which had many members who dipped in and out of activities that had been organised by themselves (if they wanted to) eg folk group get-together, summer bring-a-dish picnic, cinema outing etc. So no pressure and lots of interesting things to do. I'm not sure if it's a national or local organisation, but I'm sure there must be similar groups in your area.

Found now estranged husband online on dating app before I had even left! Final straw came three weeks later, having had not one word of consolation or affection. I know that he told many, many lies to women he found online. He also lied about his age - subtracting ten years!
That’s put me off trying myself in the future.
However - last weekend met a couple in their forties who married. She met him online - he was her first online date. And there they were, ten years later!
My daughter, on the other hand, told me about her friend, who had thirty three dates via dating apps, before meeting anyone halfway reasonable. Makes you think

“Trained and reliable” ??? brilliant. Made me laugh lots.

I don’t think you should have dismissed the First “gentleman” widowers very often look for a new partner quickly, they are a good prospect. Men don’t have the same emotional tie that a widow and after a long marriage are likely to be trained and reliable. All the rest is for you to find out.

My OH asked me for a date just 5 months after loosing his wife, and proved to be a very good catch, 2 yrs on I’m so glad I dated him.

If I understood you correctly, you did not meet either of these men in person because something put you off to them before you got that far?

If so, just my opinion of course but I don't think either of them showed anything inexcusable. Perhaps you should give them a bit more of a chance and at least meet them once with them in a public place before writing them off?

I can think of quite reasonable explanations for both of their actions, for example.

The first one's wife may have only passed away eight months earlier but perhaps she was quite ill long before that and he's already adjusted adequately to be ready for a new relationship. Or perhaps they didn't have a good marriage in the first place or were even legally separated. I understand not wanting to be some guy's therapist-bereavement nurse but I think I'd look into it a little further before concluding that would be the situation.

With the second one, granted, looks aren't everything. However, I can't say I'd go out with someone with absolutely no regard to their appearance myself. Tbh, I doubt many people would. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to waste your time or theirs.

Intenseness.

And always check before pisting ?

Alas, sometimes I was the frog.??

Yes, treat it as just a fun thing to do. Intents ness is very off-putting anyway.

Polarbear2

Keep going. Keep it light and treat it as fun. Don’t make it your be all and end all. Be safe. Use your instincts. It’ll be or it won’t but don’t bet your life on it. I kissed a few frogs before I met my OH. I learned a lot about myself and others along the way. Some tears, some laughs, lots of memories. Good luck ?

Really good advice Polarbear2 and similar to my own experiences too.

I too met my DH on line - after a couple of years involving some kissing of frogs and some tears too.

We are celebrating out 10th wedding anniversary today - mind you remembering such things is not one of his strong points and although he remembered it was our anniversary, it passed him by that it was our 10th.

Best of luck to you OP, keep your expectations low and light and see what happens along the way.

Some people have success with this and some don’t. I tried it once and that was enough.

Some widowers get straight back out there before they’ve paid the bill for their wife’s funeral. I’ve met men who were dating three weeks and six weeks after their wives died. Of course, they don’t tell you that at first so the relationship starts with a lie which is not a good omen.

I recommend the Mid-Life Ex-Wife columns of “Stella Gray” which ran in The Guardian for two years. Now there was a persistent woman who kept dating and dating until she found a man who was right for her. If you decide to read them start with the bottom of page four and work forward.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/mid-life-ex-wife?page=4

How often do you see older men say 70+ looking for someone about 50ish online. It's such a minefield. I'm sure there are really genuine people but it's getting past all the others first. Good luck with finding someone special.

Keep going. Keep it light and treat it as fun. Don’t make it your be all and end all. Be safe. Use your instincts. It’ll be or it won’t but don’t bet your life on it. I kissed a few frogs before I met my OH. I learned a lot about myself and others along the way. Some tears, some laughs, lots of memories. Good luck ?

It may be just a case of ploughing on coastalgran. You may have to meet quite a few frogs online before you meet your prince.
I belong to quite a few groups and they seem to be comprised of mostly women which is fine for me but not if you are looking for a new man friend.

Would it perhaps be better to join a group or club for activities and get to know people that way? Depending on your interests - walking, book group, art class, etc