Moving in together

OP, well maybe it's not money exactly that she wants from you.
but something is amiss here.
look OP, you have done that very rare thing: united GNetters.
if you read other threads you will see how unusual that is.
yet here on this, everyone of us has urged caution.
i have re=read your OP, and i still can't get a handle on the final sentence.
how/why does your partner have such strong views about your relationship with your daughter.
it sounds odd. it sounds off.
your daughter will always be your daughter, likewise your GD.
despite what you may feel at the moment, partners can come and go.
please do not jeopardise your relationship with your daughter, or her/GD's security and stability.
stay.where.you.are. please.

I was in your situation. I moved into my partners house and paid my share of bills. She was happy to share her home with me and happy that I retained my home, security and that my sons 20 and 23 had a safe home to live in until they were ready to leave home.

I see red flags with your partners wishes and I would never, ever give up my home for anyone. You can still live together, so I don't see the logic and nit picking of your partner. It's odd.

Me neither I’m afraid.

my partner/companion and i were together for 18 years till his death last month, we had separate homes neither of us owned our homes. i would wait before you moved in and if you are going to live together then wait and buy a house together that you both have equal shares, as others have said it is a red flag, things change when couples move in together so please be sure this is what you want, if your partner loves you then she would understand that your first loyalty is to your children regardless of there age,

I know that at this stage in the relationship you will only see the good in your girlfriend, and that's a great way to feel - I'm sure we all look back on those first years of being in love very fondly. Before the inevitable 'but', though, I want to say that I'm not in any way saying that she is not as lovely as you think she is - obviously I don't know her and couldn't possibly judge her.

However, regardless of the amount of money involved, if you give up your house, you are putting yourself under her control so much more than if you had the security of a house of your own to return to if things don't work out. You would also risk alienating your daughter at a time when she needs you and, presumably, has taken you at your word about letting her stay in the house until she has finished her studies.

Also, you are each coming to the relationship with 'baggage', which is inevitable after the age of about 30. If things are going to work, you both have to make allowances for one another's children, financial circumstances, housing situation and so on. That doesn't seem to be what is happening, though. If your girlfriend is resentful of your daughter and granddaughter after two years, how will she feel as the little one grows up?

What are the arrangements for her own children? Are they going to be staying in the joint house? If that is the case, what is she planning to do to compensate your family in order to keep things as 'fair' as she says she wants?

You must be having doubts, or you wouldn't have posted. Trust your instincts - this is not right (particularly where your daughter is concerned), and I wonder if you know this in your heart of hearts. Tread carefully?

That i don't get

I am 100% certain she is not after my money.
I haven't much. ?
Plus her ex was very wealthy and she took a very small settlement.
It's not in her to take money that she hasn't earned herself.
It's the part that she feels her children are being disproportioned effected.

welbeck

as i read it, the partner wants half of OP's money.
red, red flags all over the place.

My feeling exactly be very aware and stay in your own home if your partner objects to this you will have made a good escape from a dominated relationship.

You have come to an agreement with your daughter and I do think that you should honour that. You also have your granddaughter's future to consider. When your daughter finishes her education she can use it to get a better job and be financially independent. I can't see why your partner is not willing to wait until then, I also don't see her children being disadvantaged in the long run. Who knows what the future may hold for them? I wonder if your partner is a bit jealous of the relationship that you have with your daughter? I really would not do anything to damage it in the longer term. You really need to discuss with your partner and come to an arrangement that will involve compromise over the next few years.

Please take the advice from BlueBelle and RedHead56.
Your`e being controlled before you even move in.

Please think very carefully about this situation, OP. You don’t have to move in with your new partner. If they don’t like it, well you were right not to do so.

Yes red flags for me too. Don’t let your girlfriend of two years drive a wedge between you and your daughter. I’ve seen this old chestnut in my group of friends where the new partner creates friction with their children and creates distance or estrangement.

My children have both lived with me well over the age of 18 and they would be welcome to move back if they ever needed to.

I’d wait this move out until you get the feel for this relationship and if you do join finances get a prenup and put any other assets in a trust for your daughter. (But if you were a friend I would advise not to move in)

You have only been together two years and she is trying to dictate what you do with your money . You have no financial responsibility to her children . Where is their father in all this? I would tread very carefully and wait until your daughter has finished her course. When I got with my partner I made it very clear that my house that I had owned for years before we met would be kept for the benefit of my children. I rented my house out and we bought one jointly . We recently split after 20 years and I am so glad I kept my house. I am having to fight for my share of the joint house though . Make sure everything is tied up legally whatever you decide.

Sorry. I’d stay where you are. At least for a while. It’s your choice how you manage your family and your money. No one else’s. I have a somewhat similar situation altho I do live with my partner and he won’t take money as he’s scared I can ‘claim his house is mine’ ?‍♀️ I know he harbours a resentment that my dD lives in my house but he’s got over himself. He’s no angel with his kids in relation to fairness and money. Don’t be bullied. I hope it works out for you.

Feel left out not fell.
This blasted iPad has changed so many of my words it’s driving me crazy!

So she wants your money to ensure that her 2 children don’t get or fell left out ?

How odd.

You don’t owe her children anything, your money is for you and , if you choose, your daughter and GD, not to be divvied up between your partner and their children.

Ah in my granddaughter is 4.
My partners kids are 20 and 17

She thinks it like her charging me and it's not like being a real couple.
And it is my grown up daughter that has 3 years left in college.
Her daughter is 4.

Been there done that.bad move.I would never leave my own home now for anyone .
I would advise you think very carefully,

as i read it, the partner wants half of OP's money.
red, red flags all over the place.

I'm really confused.
You have a grown daughter and grandchild living with you, finishing school in 3 years
Your partner has one child still at home, and will be for a few more years.

What's wrong with living together with you paying a share of her house (as a renter)? I can't see how she sees or cares about your daughter's situation, especially because she still supports hers for a few more years.

Wait until all the children are financially on their own and then purchase a house together.

Stay put ,, Wait a couple of years before making this decision. Your daughter should be considered first , what if it all goes wrong . You could be homeless ,
Why not just stay at your partners homes couple of nights a week just to see how it works out ,
Please don’t make hasty decisions ruled by your heart.

you are asking the wrong question.
it's not about are you/not being fair to her/your daughter.
you are already being under undue influence.
do not give up your home.
stay where you are.

Don’t let your new partner dictate how you treat your daughter, it has nothing to do with them, just as you have no say in how they treat their children, especially as yours won’t be moving in with you.

If they feel ‘very strongly’ about this after only 2 years heaven knows what problems will arise if you move in together.

If you decide independently to sell your home and put money into a joint home then fine, but you shouldn’t be nagged to do it. TBH I would wait the 4 years and then decide to move in or not.

Red flags indeed, be very careful, your partner sounds very dominant and once you are committed there is no going back.

My opinion is keep your finances separate, my partner does not want me involved in his affairs and I want to keep mine separate for my children. You can share day to day expenses and contribute to the mortgage if needed without taking a share in the house.

Your daughter living in your house might cause problems later,
what if she has a boyfriend move in, make sure she signs a standard tenancy agreement, even if it’s a peppercorn rent