Daughter's relationships - always end the same

Sounds like your dd may have abandonment issues after the break up of your marriage. What happens in childhood and how we cope with it can end up becoming a problem to us as adults.

Counselling would help her to see the patterns in her relationships and help her to move forward. If she doesn’t feel open or ready for this there isn’t a whole lot you can do other than maybe to ask her if she feels there is a pattern to her relationships, or maybe buy her a book on this subject.

If she won't settle for a relationship that is less than ideal, then you might as well give up now. No relationship is ideal, we are all human and have our failings, women as well as men.

I think she needs to realise that salvation is in her own hands. She has got to have the mental strength to realise that when in a hole, stop digging, if you always fall for the same sort of man and it is always a disaster, then think why that kind of man attracts you and whether you should rethink your approach to relationships, perhaps, seek counselling or therapy.

But she has got to realise that the answer to her problems lies in her hands and if she isn't prepared to face up to them and deal with them, no one else can do it for her.

Fully agree with blue25

She sounds very needy. I think she should work on living a happy single life, then perhaps someone will come into her life at that point. I find it sad when women can’t be happy alone & become desperate for a partner. Everyone else can smell the desperation!

25Avalon you are so right. My DD definitely is not attracted to the kind of man who wants a steady relationship. Rather she tends to go for men with issues in their lives which she often thinks she can solve. She never goes for anyone straightforward. She invests all her time and energy into a relationship and would never be unfaithful. But the type of men she goes for don't seem to want that. There are so many things going on here. I do try to sympathise but we are so unalike. When I was young I found lots of different types of men attractive but she says she won't settle for a relationship which she considers to be less than ideal as she has seen so many of her friends who have done that she says. It's complicated as we can't get into someone's head. It's a constant worry seeing her sad.

The blame for the failed relationships seems to have been assigned to the dd. Perhaps she is not meeting the right kind of man who wants a stable relationship. Maybe she is clinging on in desperation rather than admit to another “failure”. Dragonfly describes how her dd finally met the right man for her.

Also at dd’s age a lot of men the same age will come with baggage as does she which can make it difficult. She needs to be patient, but it would be as well to find other ways to be fulfilled rather than having be married as the sole aim. There are plenty on here who can tell tales of unhappy marriages that didn’t work out. She does have her own child to consider as well.

You don't have to openly criticise to show disapproval. Sometimes your real feelings show whatever words you use.

Not necessarily though, and the OP is looking for advice, based on her thoughts and perceptions! A poster looking for help has to express their perceptions!

It is certainly worth considering why your daughter appears "clingy" to you Skydancer ..working out what triggers that might help with finding a way forward in trying to help your daughter move forward and achieve what she says she wants

Skydancer

Thank you all. Some good replies here. Just to point out I never criticise my daughter. Quite the reverse - I tell her she's talented (which she is, artistically), a good Mum, attractive... I never put her down. I've only suggested counselling etc when I'm at my wits end as to what to say next. I agree that she needs to realise she's the cause of the failed relationships but, at the moment, she just can't see it. I also agree that a single life can be a happy one but she has stated she'd like to share her life with someone. It's so difficult and I can see that some of you share the same experience. Thank you all. It helps to talk.

You don't have to openly criticise to show disapproval. Sometimes your real feelings show whatever words you use. Why do you think the problems started at puberty? Aren't most of us moody and difficult then? (Isn't that criticism?) How do you know she is the cause of the relationship break-ups? have you spoken to all the men she's been with? Perhaps she's just not good at picking stayers. And why do you think she is "clingy"? (isn't that criticism) people who feel loved and valued aren't usually.

trisher the OP is explaining her view/perception on her concerns around her daughter, thus explaing her concerns as best she can and get advice! Without a sense of why she had concerns/perceptions of the causes of her daughters approaches to relationships it would be difficult for anyone to try to advise, giving their perspective on what she describes! At no point does the OP say she has said all those things to her daughter, apart from advising counselling and her careful explanation suggests that she will not have made that suggestion unless it was relevant to whatever conversation was taking place the time.

Peasblossom has made thought provoking comments on her perceptions from the OPSs post which clearly are intended to help the OP with her thinking. Others have done the same! I hope the OP finds that those comments help her with her thinking and concerns to find a way forward!

I second what Peasblossom said.

"I've only suggested counselling etc when I'm at my wits end as to what to say next."
You can also refuse to discuss that with her any longer

"daughter, you know my opinion on the subject and I am not willing to discuss this again"

Thank you all. Some good replies here. Just to point out I never criticise my daughter. Quite the reverse - I tell her she's talented (which she is, artistically), a good Mum, attractive... I never put her down. I've only suggested counselling etc when I'm at my wits end as to what to say next. I agree that she needs to realise she's the cause of the failed relationships but, at the moment, she just can't see it. I also agree that a single life can be a happy one but she has stated she'd like to share her life with someone. It's so difficult and I can see that some of you share the same experience. Thank you all. It helps to talk.

I don’t quite know how to say this without sounding mean but is it possible that your motherdaughter relationships are quite entwined and that she has been quite dependent upon you over the years.

So that her view of a loving relationship is actually one of dependence. Someone who is always there for you, always available for you. Which it is is, but not in the early stages.

Is it possible to step back a bit, To show her that having a separate life is compatible with having a great relationship. That sometimes we have to deal with life without support.

It might help you too, to be a little distant from her problems and emotions. And she might then seek help of her own accord.

I too do not think the OP has been criticising her daughter from what she says.

My DD was just the same. She had no confidence and it was not down to me but her personality. She built walls around herself but like the OP's daughter she became quite clingy in new relationships.

6 years ago she met a guy online who is also lacking in confidence but in different ways. They have now been married for 4 years as each has helped the other. Now in her 3rd career she has a very good job and recently been promoted. Her self confidence has grown. She will be 44 this year.

I hope your DD finds the same happiness.

trisher we will have to agree to differ then. ?

Gwyneth is it really sympathetic or supportive to say |^The problems seemed to have started at puberty once the hormones kicked in when she became moody and difficult^ or to suggest she needs counselling or medical help? or to allege that you know what goes wrong in her relationships? You may see support and sympathy I see criticism and condemnation of someone looking for some approval and support. Not getting it from one source she is seeking it elsewhere.

trisher ....skydancer is not criticising her daughter. I get the impression she is sympathetic and trying to help her. At 41 years old her daughter should be taking some responsibility for her situation.

Perhaps your DD is trying to get from her relationships the approval and support she should have from you.Maybe if instead of criticising her and telling her she needs medical help you started to praise her for the things she has acheived and helped her enjoy her single state she would become happier and more confident.

OP

Your daughter has to want to realize she is the common denominator of the failed relationships and do something about it.

I think most of us see life with a partner of some kind rather than single, finding a compatible partner is not easy for some, although you may be physically attractive sometimes personality is the problem.

One of my nieces is like the OPs daughter, can’t live with a partner, she’s got 2 boys, their father is on the scene and makes sure they are OK but doesn’t live with them. It’s hard to describe, she just drives everybody round the bend, the children are OK so that’s a plus. My brother helps out where he can but it’s hard to be optimistic of the future

I understand that but if it never happens she will go through life feeling that she has failed. Bett to try to make a good life for herself and who knows, what might turn up when she is not looking.

ginny

Does your Dd think that she is somehow diminished by not having a partner ? Do you encourage her to think of herself as a whole person rather than part of a couple ?
I have a 40 year old DD who is single. She has plenty of friends, several relationships , a career , and a good social life. She is much loved by her sisters and their families.
Whilst she says she would be happy to find someone she says that she would rather be single than with the wrong person .
I hope your Daughter will be able to come to a similar conclusion.

The OP said “ she wants to meet someone to spend her life with”. Her daughter doesn’t want to settle for being single, that’s the whole point. She may just have to go through a few more ‘ wrong ones’, before she finds her Mr. Right.

Does your Dd think that she is somehow diminished by not having a partner ? Do you encourage her to think of herself as a whole person rather than part of a couple ?
I have a 40 year old DD who is single. She has plenty of friends, several relationships , a career , and a good social life. She is much loved by her sisters and their families.
Whilst she says she would be happy to find someone she says that she would rather be single than with the wrong person .
I hope your Daughter will be able to come to a similar conclusion.

hollysteers

MOnica you make some good points, but you are generalising. The OPs daughter wants someone to share her life with, it is a natural human need for many men and women.
At 41, she clearly has decided that she does not want to be alone.
Loneliness is a great problem and although you paint a rosy picture of an independent old age, the truth is that that is not the case for a large proportion of the population.

Yes, agree. Of course it’s not the be and end all to be in a marriage with the house, 2.4 kids, car etc. There are other ways of being fulfilled, bit not in this case it seems. The OP’s daughter does want to be in a relationship.
These days, she’s still very young. She should never give up, but as far as the clinginess is concerned, there’s nothing you can do about that. That’s something that’ll just have to ‘click’ one day, and then she’ll be off.
Hope it works out for her.

No, its not generalising, in both posts the posters seem to accept that a partner is necessary for happiness and security, as well as their daughters thinking this.

My mother used to say 'happily single is better than unhappily married' but if everyone around a woman struggling is assuming that a partner is the answer to her problems, she will think that way as well.

Perhaps both these women need to contemplate my mother's saying and, at least in the short term, consider a life when they stand alone, with having a partner as an ideal situation but that it is not the end of the world if it doesn't happen.