DH hardly takes holiday time off! AIBU?

So sorry that you feel so alone PurpleStar. It sounds like you need help to run the house, look after the garden let alone do all the decorating. Having health problems must make it so much worse. Maybe it’s time you told husband how you really feel.

He is being managed really badly for a start but there is little you can do about that. He is either addicted to working, some people are, it stops you having to think about whatever the real issue is, or he is using work to escape. I am sorry but neither are great. If sounds very difficult.

He’s working himself into an early grave but it doesn’t seem he’ll change his ways. If I were you I’d definitely pay for help with the decorating and garden or you are running the risk of your health issues getting worse. It’s really not fair that you have to go without a holiday or visit family because he wants to work could you arrange something for yourself if he refuses to go?

I can understand that from his point of view, you still have an outstanding Mortgage, you are unable to work due to Health problems so he probably feels that he needs to carry on, plus he enjoys what he is doing,
does he get paid extra for working his holidays? Maybe this is why he works instead of taking time off.

I think that you really need to sit him down for a serious chat and tell him that you are at the end of your tether and that he needs to take some time off because You need a break, even if he doesn’t and he can jolly well help you with the gardening etc. Or he will have to pay somebody else to come and do it (with all the extra money he is earning by not having holidays)

Of course the alternative is that you sell up, pay off the outstanding mortgage and get somewhere easier to manage, it wont make him take time off, but it might relieve some of the pressure you are under.

I don't understand this attitude to work. My husband was also addicted to a 10 hour day with a tube journey either side. He never took half his holiday allowance. In the end, I used to take the plane and go alone, though I didn't really enjoy it.
You just have to sit it out until he himself decides to wind down, but in the meantime carry on with your activities and find support in the house. My DH felt everyone at work was relying on him to be there all the time, but it was hard to convince him that didn't help me in the slightest. Maybe sometimes we appear too able.

I agree with Oopsadaisy talk to your husband about his work life balance and agree a way forward. I don't think he will change much at this stage but you could either agree to pay a gardener or move to a smaller place with less land. You need to look at a life for yourself Purplestar join groups or clubs which give you some social interaction. Plan visits to your family when it's possible.

Thankyou everyone for your responses.I feel better just getting it off my chest.DH does get paid for the holidays not taken.I understand that when the children were young and Bills were massive,but now just one son at home,and working.We always said we would downsize but now he wants to stay.We are in a good size house on a bit of land,bought for a very low price with just the structure built at the time,and we slowly did it up.I will add that he was practically raised in a hovel,like something out of the victorian ages,considering we are in our only mid 50's its unthinkable!So tidying and keeping things ship shape are not a priority for him.I am a bit OCD and like to keep on top of things but it also keeps the value of the house!He has agreed that once the mortgage is done that we should pay a gardener.DH does help and is very considerate,just not about work.I think he is addicted and always has been,he says he never wants to feel poverty stricken.Pre Covid when I felt like this I would book a flight to see my Daughter.Covid is still preventing this happening.We had massive celebrations cancelled last year and now this year.I lost my Father 18 months ago and its all getting to me.He is a wonderful husband/Father but never seemed able to get the correct home/work balance.When Ive mentioned it before he has said that he will cut down his working hours in a few years,and has only worked so hard to provide for us.The Pandemic has got to us all,and we are not as advanced here as the UK is,so that is a big contributing factor to not having a break away.Thanks everyone,you do all make valid points and a problem shared has already helped me....

Just go without him, honest.

Yabu

You have been married for 30 years and he was never keen on taking vacations/full time off- why does it bother you now?

With credit card debt and no savings, almost done with mortgage and i estimate a decade from reaching retirement age, are you sure you can even afford vacations?

He is who he is (and has been for 30 years) - he most likely not going to change

What can you do to make this more tolerable?

Read your update, so a lot has happened on your end in the last 2 years - that is what changed.

"Heis a wonderful husband"
Are you sure? You are not happy.

Your and his communication skills are not on the same page, much less your future plans.

I am not saying he is a bad husband, there is clearly room for improvement.

How much does your OCD impact this? What can you do to keep it under control?

Bit irritated with Hithere's 1sr response...What can YOU do..We do not have big credit card debt.I was stating that we only have a very small card debt and less than 1 year left on our mortgage.You have no idea of how much our monthly mortgage repayments are but once they're gone we will very quickly have savings! Plus no issue of DH retiring young (if he would ever cut the work strings)No one I know with mortgages has any savings to speak of,unless they've had some inheritance.My older siblings have way more years left to pay there's off! I'm guessing Hithere is alot older than me. He is a wonderful husband,but just doesn't seem able to take his full holiday entitlement.He works for a small business and there isn't a "spare" person to step in when he is off work...so he feels he has no choice.He has always provided for us,is always where he says he'll be,honest,hardworking,cooks on a Sunday,has a great relationship with his children and helps out elderly customers and a disabled sister if they need anything.Its the not taking holiday entitlement that I struggle with.
I guess empty nest,Cancer,surgery,Menopause,parents death and then a Global Pandemic in the last few years has made me more OCD and a bit resentful.Is that MY fault too!!Pre Covid we would go off for a few mini hotel breaks,concerts,always 1 abroad holiday yearly and I would do endless flights to UK.He just never took his full 5 weeks,and so far this year not 1 day off yet.As I stated we are in a country that has been very strict during the pandemic with no freedom of movement until a few weeks ago.We had lockdown before alot of EU countries and until a long time after! My usual escapism has been taken away.We were on the same page re downsizing until recently.A friend of DH has absolute nightmare neighbours,ending in violence,and it has shaken DH.We aren't too near to either of our neighbours and we know this is a luxury that moving wouldn't guarantee....He's come home from work today saying that the boss is going to take on an extra hand.About blooming time!.......

Of course any good boss would insist your DH took his annual leave - I once worked somewhere where it was part of your performance management, the argument being that you would do your job better for having the occasional break.

You can’t make someone enjoy holidays but may be short breaks doing something you could both enjoy? When it is possible, of course. Failing that you will have to go without him - which just might shock him into action.

Oh PurplrStar I do understand.
My DH was also a workaholic until he was 60 and it was suggested to him by his that he retire. I told him to grab it. It took him sometime to get his head round it but once he realised we could survive he took it.
He has had no regrets.
You have had a lot to contend with and you are both still young. It bodes well that his boss is taking on an extra hand,
In the meantime would it help to book a week away for you both?

His boss that should be

Thankyou Dragonfly46 and GrannySomerset.You make good points.I know when I was working that I had a big corporation behind me so I had to take my full time off.I know working for small businesses is different.We had a chat last night and he still disagrees with time off unless we are going somewhere(he just doesn't see the point of a day off around the house and he's sticking to that).I did also point out that the Pandemic hasn't really affected him as he still works,sees other humans on a daily basis and has a chat with neighbouring bussiness owners etc .Where as I'm home,no visitors allowed,my close friends say they'd prefer to be fully vaccinated before meeting up again,so we can all relax a bit then.I just felt overwhelmed yesterday and lonely,and need to get away from the house and all its chores! Also pining for DD and DGC...Its been over a year since we saw them! Also planning on booking a staycation when it is allowed. Its all just dragging on endlessly for some of us.Have a great Sunday everyone,thankfully the sum is out.... and thankyou

Sun.....

A wonderfull husband would listen to you and take notice of how unhappy you are.
Go on holiday without him,he may just wise up a little.