Son angry that I am friendlier with other son’s parents

He really should see a doctor I think from what you have just said.

I don’t think the in-laws know anything more - it’s possible I suppose.
We were once close . Since about the age of 25 things have been different. He had a major disappointment and a life that had been all achievement started to falter. His anger and coldness seems to have increased since then. He does not discuss anything personal with us. The last was about 3 years ago when he rang in the night to say he’d messed up and we helped sort things ( it was just education procedures which he hadn’t completed because he seemed almost catatonic with depression)

Addiction hasn’t occurred to me . He holds down a responsible job- not impossible though .
I think it’s more emotional- deep lows . He is very uninterested in the family which is hurtful - we’ve had health crises etc and no interest. If he needs something he appears normal

Oh Nothisagain I think I understand how you must have felt re your last two sentences.

I think his anger towards you has been there for a very long time, dont you?

It seems to be distorting his view depending on whether he gets his own way or not.

I see it as a good sign his wife is colluding with you over his behaviour. BUT, she is putting herself and you in a position where he can accuse you both of 'plotting' and getting himself wound up over nothing.

Is there something his inlaws might talk to you about that he doesnt want them to, do you think?

It certainly doesnt look as if his wife is causing any difficulties over you or her parents meeting.

Is he likely to be drinking or taking drugs to self medicate at all?

Sorry my post seems so negative. Not very helpful to you at all.

I expect, like me you'd just love to put your arms around him and put things right?
But life isnt quite that easy is it?

do you think he has some sort of addiction? I'm sorry to be so personal. It just might be helpful if you received specific advice to help you deal with his communications

Yes I do think he’s unwell.
I tried to bring it up with her ( this was after a crisis of sorts which we helped resolve but we were put through the wringer) but she says she must keep her husband’s privacy and I respect that .

do you think he is unwell, mentally? could you ask your daughter law if he is ok?

My husband also thinks it’s wrong to discuss one child with the other children - that it’s damaging to relationships. He is right but he doesn’t talk much either! Sometimes I’ve expressed my fears and they have said the same to me

Maybe immaturity is the wrong word but yes deep unhappiness that is causing a lash out at us.
I turn unhappiness in on myself - it’s one or the other isn’t it ?

Thanks to those above for replying .
I agree that not accepting texts is the next step and there is also immaturity there too
Thank you for your thoughts , it really helps with perspective
I don’t want to discuss it with other sons as we’ve had some happy news and I’d like them to enjoy that time. So yes it is on my shoulders to a large degree .

I agree with timetogo it's entirely up to you who you spend time with. I think your son is an unhappy man Nothisagain and whatever you do would be hard for him.
Don't stress about this and enjoy time with your in laws.

Hi,
It’s the eldest who is unhappy.
I am also an eldest and it has taken me a life time to reach acceptance re how I was treated by my patents - so I have sympathy for eldests!
My sons siblings say they have also been in the receiving end and they suspect a serious mental health issue. I am now so distanced emotionally from my son that I couldn’t bring it up
I once bumped into him unexpectedly and it was like he was a stranger .
I cried for hours when I got home

You seem to be taking on all the emotional fallout from this. Can't his Dad talk to him?

I know it sound simplistic but tell him he has to call if he wants to talk about things Sending instant texts isn't acceptable

Is your troublesome son a middle child? My middle brother has a reputation for being gratuitously rude and offensive. My Mum used to say he would argue black was white just for the hell of it.

No real answer for you but perhaps you could try stepping back a bit so he doesn’t have an audience.

We’ve met two sets of in laws and get on fine with them though we don’t see very much of them. We haven’t met our son’s in laws through circumstances and lockdown. They don’t live close enough for more than special occasion meetings.

Your son needs to grow up tbh.
It is entirely up to you who you spend time with.
I get on with both my dil`s parents,but it has never been a problem if i see one set more than the other as it`s MY choice and nobody elses.
Ignore his comments and do as you are diong.

Yes, thank you
I’m going a bit crazy , second guessing myself .
The son who mistreats us is very intelligent, (but in my opinion very troubled) , and I find myself playing devils advocate much to my husband’s annoyance

No, not at all! No one treats all aunts or uncles alike or cousins etc. We are all closer to some relatives than others, I am closer to one cousin than to her sisters for example. I was simply explaining that we have an actual word for the relationship which the English language does not. I know someone who is really close to her daughter’s in laws but just polite to her son’s in laws. Perfectly natural in my view.

Oh Niobe, do you mean I should treat each set of children’s in laws in the same way?
I really only feel truly at ease with one set

That’s interesting, thank you .
Thinking of my own parents generation , I don’t remember parents having any relationship W with their children’s in-laws at all!

Nothisagain

I understand that Harris. I had a lovely afternoon recently with the other son’s in-laws but I wouldn’t put a photo up as all hell would break loose . I’m on edge after the angry texts but really fed up too !
(Is there a term for your relationship to your child’s in-laws??)

Not in the English language as far as I know but in Punjabi the father of your son in law or your daughter in law is your ‘kurrum’ and his wife is your ‘kurrumni’. It is regarded as a very important relationship.

Yes Scentia I think you are right that my son will have issues with us regardless .
I was desperate when he first cut us off many years ago but the pattern has repeated so many times that there is less impact. Isn’t that an awful thing to say! This was my baby and now there is such distance and he creates such a cold atmosphere when we see him ( my daughter in law has started whispering apologies to me so I’m not imagining it)
Sorry to go on .
I’d love to hear of any of your experiences.
I wanted to know if I was unreasonable to be friendlier with one set of in-laws . I think so far you think I’m not , which has helped me

Actually it’s more than on edge . I’m really shaken by the tone and vocabulary used against us. We have turned the other cheek so many times . I suppose that’s what parents do . Now that I don’t want to keep taking the abuse any more I feel I am proving his point about favourites
Post menopause has changed me .

I am very close to my DD in laws and have never even met my DS in laws!! He doesn’t care, I don’t care and even if he did I would not let anyone dictate who I spent time with. You may find that your DS will have an issue with anything you do, so just do what you want.

I understand that Harris. I had a lovely afternoon recently with the other son’s in-laws but I wouldn’t put a photo up as all hell would break loose . I’m on edge after the angry texts but really fed up too !
(Is there a term for your relationship to your child’s in-laws??)

I’ve three sons and keep them separate on visiting and only all meet up at Christmas or weddings. One son doesn’t keep in touch much the other two do and I’m careful not to upset the son that doesn’t keep in touch but I don’t know why?