DIL Problem

Do not say anything, about any of your concerns.

Keep the arrangements as you have them now and enjoy it!

I don't think you should mention your DIL's weight. I have gained weight because of thyroid problems, and am very conscious of it. If any 'well meaning' person tried to persuade to go to Slimming World, or made any comment about my weight I would be either furious or devastated. I don't know which, as luckily nobody has been rude enough to bring it up. I am aware of it - my clothes don't fit and I can see in the mirror.

Lockdown limitations haven't helped me, and probably haven't helped your DIL, but whatever the reason for her weight gain I think it can only end badly if you refer to it in any way whatsoever.

As for the cleaning, I see that as different, as it is not personal, and you do have a right to comment as you are staying in a dirty room.

I wondering if you could just ask her how she is feeling, at the right moment, of course. Does she come over as happy at home? Are your grandchildren happy go lucky? Perhaps she has some feelings of inferiority when she compares herself with her perfectly turned out mother and sisters? Maybe it’s her way of rebelling? What does she do at home and does she enjoy it? It sounds as if she has some issues and may be very unhappy and depressed. Has she always been overweight or is it a fairly recent occurrence (childbearing perhaps)?

As others have said her weight may be due to some physical cause such as thyroid problems or even some medication she is already taking.

From my experience, I’d keep a watching brief for now and see what clues, if any you can collect before doing anything that could cause upset. I do think that offering to help pay for cleaning your bedroom could be a good idea, if it wouldn’t cause problems.

It all sounds very tricky so be careful, whatever course of action you decide to follow. If you’re not sure, sometimes it best to do nothing as situations do change and hopefully the situation will become clearer.

As someone who is very overweight, do not raise the topic with your DLI! She will know she is over weight and how it might be affecting her mobility but I pretty much guarantee she will be upset, angry and hostile to you for discussing it - I know I was when some people think they are helping by telling me! She will not lost weight because you or anyone else tells her to, only when she is ready. In fact, it made me eat more if I felt judged by others as I ate to comfort myself.

I agree that being over weight will affect her ability to clean, it can be a huge effort for someone with weight problems. If money is not an issue then I would encourage them to have weekly or fortnightly cleaners, with two young children there must be plenty of cleaning to be done, I live on my own and have a cleaner every two weeks which is just about right.

62Granny

You say financially they are ok, perhaps suggest to your son that the cleaners come more often, perhaps weekly, if your DiL is depressed the bigger the problem becomes the more it is getting her down, honestly if you haven't had time since February to clean your room think how she feels , I would try and get her on some type of healthy eating plan , slimming world is easy to follow and family friendly, suggest you go with her to start, I took ages to lose weight myself , Yo yo dieting but have eventually lost 9st with them. Educate the children about Healthy eating and how they must put clean clothes everyday and clean undies etc. drip feed it and they will slowly get the message. But don't criticise, encourage and hopefully the message will get through.

I am not sure weight is the place to start....no matter how tactfully. its not up to other people, no matter how loving, to get her onto a healthy eating plan, a slimmers group or anything else...for one thing if she is depressed that will not help at all....yes make sure the kids have clean clothes and are bathed and properly fed on the days you are there but genrtly gently with the drip feed education....you do not want the kids innocently feeding anything back that could be interpreted as critical even though not intended. how is your DiL's general health? There are things other than mental health issues that can cause weight gain.

Thank you for taking time to respond. My dil loves her work and is very good at it. She has good friends network and is highly thought of in her industry. I will certainly think about all your suggestions. Thank you again for taking the time to respond x

Silverdale, how lovely that you care for your daughter-in-law and aren't just judging her.

Does she do anything outside the home other than work? Is she happy at work - or just maybe doing it to support the lifestyle? Has she any close friends?

I would certainly consider speaking to your son to see if he thinks she may be unhappy if you can do this without criticism (I think you can).

Try to boost her when you can for the things she does do well. Since I have put on weight the house has become a huge effort and frankly I can see how this would seem impossible if I was very overweight.
I wonder if you could suggest the cleaners came fortnightly instead of every three weeks? That would give them some "bedroom" time.

You say financially they are ok, perhaps suggest to your son that the cleaners come more often, perhaps weekly, if your DiL is depressed the bigger the problem becomes the more it is getting her down, honestly if you haven't had time since February to clean your room think how she feels , I would try and get her on some type of healthy eating plan , slimming world is easy to follow and family friendly, suggest you go with her to start, I took ages to lose weight myself , Yo yo dieting but have eventually lost 9st with them. Educate the children about Healthy eating and how they must put clean clothes everyday and clean undies etc. drip feed it and they will slowly get the message. But don't criticise, encourage and hopefully the message will get through.

She’s never been great at domestic stuff but has got worse over the last few years. Good plan about my bedroom! I’ll do that and cover the cost. Thank you!

Everyone has different standards. Have you noticed that hers have gone downhill, or has she always been this way? If there has been a change then you might be right worrying about her well-being.

You could ask that your room have a good going-over by the cleaners, even if you offer the extra cost. Tell them your allergies are acting up!

No I haven’t, not directly. I ask him if he thinks she’s ok.
The cleaners don’t do the bedrooms (4). It takes them their allotted time to do the other rooms.

PS if your bedroom is dirty then what do the cleaners do?

have you expressed your concern about her mental health to your son?