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DIL Problem

(39 Posts)
Silverdale2 Wed 23-Jun-21 21:04:24

I am very close to my son, daughter in law and 2 grandchildren age 4 and six. I stay over one night a week, as part of child care. My dil works three days a week and my son works from home. He has an office separate to the main house. They have a very good income.
They have divided chores so she is responsible for the house cleaning (also cleaners every 3 weeks) and he does ALL the cooking and feeding of the children.
The house is dirty. My bedroom was last cleaned in February when I was isolating with them due to Covid. I have changed the bed and dusted since but don’t have time to do more.
The children have beautiful clothes but she dresses them very scruffily and they are often grubby.
My dil is very over weight and I think this contributes to her lack of interest in the home. She has a beautiful mum and sister who are always beautifully turned out.
Bottom line: I’m worried that she’s depressed and don’t know what to do. My son adores her and continues to take the domestic load. Help please.

greenlady102 Wed 23-Jun-21 21:09:45

have you expressed your concern about her mental health to your son?

greenlady102 Wed 23-Jun-21 21:10:34

PS if your bedroom is dirty then what do the cleaners do?

Silverdale2 Wed 23-Jun-21 21:24:28

No I haven’t, not directly. I ask him if he thinks she’s ok.
The cleaners don’t do the bedrooms (4). It takes them their allotted time to do the other rooms.

CanadianGran Wed 23-Jun-21 21:39:17

Everyone has different standards. Have you noticed that hers have gone downhill, or has she always been this way? If there has been a change then you might be right worrying about her well-being.

You could ask that your room have a good going-over by the cleaners, even if you offer the extra cost. Tell them your allergies are acting up!

Silverdale2 Wed 23-Jun-21 21:42:46

She’s never been great at domestic stuff but has got worse over the last few years. Good plan about my bedroom! I’ll do that and cover the cost. Thank you!

62Granny Wed 23-Jun-21 21:45:18

You say financially they are ok, perhaps suggest to your son that the cleaners come more often, perhaps weekly, if your DiL is depressed the bigger the problem becomes the more it is getting her down, honestly if you haven't had time since February to clean your room think how she feels , I would try and get her on some type of healthy eating plan , slimming world is easy to follow and family friendly, suggest you go with her to start, I took ages to lose weight myself , Yo yo dieting but have eventually lost 9st with them. Educate the children about Healthy eating and how they must put clean clothes everyday and clean undies etc. drip feed it and they will slowly get the message. But don't criticise, encourage and hopefully the message will get through.

NotSpaghetti Wed 23-Jun-21 22:02:01

Silverdale, how lovely that you care for your daughter-in-law and aren't just judging her.

Does she do anything outside the home other than work? Is she happy at work - or just maybe doing it to support the lifestyle? Has she any close friends?

I would certainly consider speaking to your son to see if he thinks she may be unhappy if you can do this without criticism (I think you can).

Try to boost her when you can for the things she does do well. Since I have put on weight the house has become a huge effort and frankly I can see how this would seem impossible if I was very overweight.
I wonder if you could suggest the cleaners came fortnightly instead of every three weeks? That would give them some "bedroom" time.

Silverdale2 Wed 23-Jun-21 22:10:37

Thank you for taking time to respond. My dil loves her work and is very good at it. She has good friends network and is highly thought of in her industry. I will certainly think about all your suggestions. Thank you again for taking the time to respond x

greenlady102 Wed 23-Jun-21 22:18:54

62Granny

You say financially they are ok, perhaps suggest to your son that the cleaners come more often, perhaps weekly, if your DiL is depressed the bigger the problem becomes the more it is getting her down, honestly if you haven't had time since February to clean your room think how she feels , I would try and get her on some type of healthy eating plan , slimming world is easy to follow and family friendly, suggest you go with her to start, I took ages to lose weight myself , Yo yo dieting but have eventually lost 9st with them. Educate the children about Healthy eating and how they must put clean clothes everyday and clean undies etc. drip feed it and they will slowly get the message. But don't criticise, encourage and hopefully the message will get through.

I am not sure weight is the place to start....no matter how tactfully. its not up to other people, no matter how loving, to get her onto a healthy eating plan, a slimmers group or anything else...for one thing if she is depressed that will not help at all....yes make sure the kids have clean clothes and are bathed and properly fed on the days you are there but genrtly gently with the drip feed education....you do not want the kids innocently feeding anything back that could be interpreted as critical even though not intended. how is your DiL's general health? There are things other than mental health issues that can cause weight gain.

Teacheranne Wed 23-Jun-21 22:34:36

As someone who is very overweight, do not raise the topic with your DLI! She will know she is over weight and how it might be affecting her mobility but I pretty much guarantee she will be upset, angry and hostile to you for discussing it - I know I was when some people think they are helping by telling me! She will not lost weight because you or anyone else tells her to, only when she is ready. In fact, it made me eat more if I felt judged by others as I ate to comfort myself.

I agree that being over weight will affect her ability to clean, it can be a huge effort for someone with weight problems. If money is not an issue then I would encourage them to have weekly or fortnightly cleaners, with two young children there must be plenty of cleaning to be done, I live on my own and have a cleaner every two weeks which is just about right.

ayse Wed 23-Jun-21 22:50:47

I wondering if you could just ask her how she is feeling, at the right moment, of course. Does she come over as happy at home? Are your grandchildren happy go lucky? Perhaps she has some feelings of inferiority when she compares herself with her perfectly turned out mother and sisters? Maybe it’s her way of rebelling? What does she do at home and does she enjoy it? It sounds as if she has some issues and may be very unhappy and depressed. Has she always been overweight or is it a fairly recent occurrence (childbearing perhaps)?

As others have said her weight may be due to some physical cause such as thyroid problems or even some medication she is already taking.

From my experience, I’d keep a watching brief for now and see what clues, if any you can collect before doing anything that could cause upset. I do think that offering to help pay for cleaning your bedroom could be a good idea, if it wouldn’t cause problems.

It all sounds very tricky so be careful, whatever course of action you decide to follow. If you’re not sure, sometimes it best to do nothing as situations do change and hopefully the situation will become clearer.

Doodledog Wed 23-Jun-21 23:49:43

I don't think you should mention your DIL's weight. I have gained weight because of thyroid problems, and am very conscious of it. If any 'well meaning' person tried to persuade to go to Slimming World, or made any comment about my weight I would be either furious or devastated. I don't know which, as luckily nobody has been rude enough to bring it up. I am aware of it - my clothes don't fit and I can see in the mirror.

Lockdown limitations haven't helped me, and probably haven't helped your DIL, but whatever the reason for her weight gain I think it can only end badly if you refer to it in any way whatsoever.

As for the cleaning, I see that as different, as it is not personal, and you do have a right to comment as you are staying in a dirty room.

Hithere Thu 24-Jun-21 00:48:34

Do not say anything, about any of your concerns.

Keep the arrangements as you have them now and enjoy it!

Redhead56 Thu 24-Jun-21 01:17:50

Your DIL works three days a week what does she do the rest of the time beside stuff her face? She needs a good talking to stop pussy footing and get on with it.

Silverdale2 Thu 24-Jun-21 05:29:22

Thanks everyone! I’m just going to let things be and help out as much as I can. I will just count my blessings!

Doodledog Thu 24-Jun-21 08:10:39

Redhead56

Your DIL works three days a week what does she do the rest of the time beside stuff her face? She needs a good talking to stop pussy footing and get on with it.

Is this a genuine post?

What the DIL does in her own house in the days she’s not at work is entirely up to her. No more to be said, really.

sodapop Thu 24-Jun-21 08:15:30

Can't believe you actually said that Redhead 56 not helpful at all.

Lucca Thu 24-Jun-21 08:21:19

“ would try and get her on some type of healthy eating plan , slimming world is easy to follow and family friendly, suggest you go with her to start, ”

Oh my goodness! No !! Only if she started the conversation,

Some people just aren’t into cleaning and don’t think about it, my DIL is like that but she’s a great mum and an interesting hardworking and brave woman.

How dirty is your room? Surely you can give it a quick clean if you’re bothered.

Lucca Thu 24-Jun-21 08:23:10

sodapop

Can't believe you actually said that Redhead 56 not helpful at all.

Agree. Must be a spoof post. If not - gawd help her son or daughter in law !!

Dryginger Thu 24-Jun-21 08:33:44

Readhead 56 nice post!!!😡

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 24-Jun-21 08:43:11

I instantly thought depression. Bless her. I would talk to your son. He must be concerned too. It’s not something I could ignore, and ultimately, it’s probably not going to just go away. I assume she’s become overweight and didn’t start off that way.

You say you are close to them all, talk it through, but delicately at first, with just your son. You may find he’s been eager to talk, but hasn’t known how to start. Difficult to brooch with your own mum.

All the best.

FannyCornforth Thu 24-Jun-21 08:55:45

Redhead56

Your DIL works three days a week what does she do the rest of the time beside stuff her face? She needs a good talking to stop pussy footing and get on with it.

Are you okay?
Have you taken leave of your senses, or is it a joke?

FannyCornforth Thu 24-Jun-21 08:56:32

sodapop

Can't believe you actually said that Redhead 56 not helpful at all.

I know! I actually gasped!

Madgran77 Thu 24-Jun-21 09:14:30

Your DIL works three days a week what does she do the rest of the time beside stuff her face? She needs a good talking to stop pussy footing and get on with it

What was your purpose in posting that to a clearly worried OP Redhead?