How can I stop this without being perceived as rude?

It is not rude to tell your brother outright you want to speak with your mother.

If your brother is so hungry for attention from you, can you devote a phone call now and again especially to him? Maybe he feels lonely or had problems he hesitates to speak about.

You have had lots of suggestions about phoning but wonder if you have seen your mum since she moved to your brother? Can you visit her? Maybe take her out if that’s possible. I hope she is settling ok and your brother is coping.
Caring is not easy, you will know that. How are you?

Madgran77

I don't think it is about being forceful, I think it is about being clear and specific. At the moment it is awkward, argumentative and miserable for all of you!

Do not assume that he will pick up what is the obvious to you. State clearly what you want and why and also take into account his needs so as I suggested upthread have times when you cha to him, probably separate from when you call to talk to Mum. You can then say clearly that you are ringing for a chat with him OR you are ringing for a chat with Mum.

These sort of situations are best dealt with by honest discussion rather than hints, aggression, passive aggressive comments or whatever

Good luck

I quite agree. Sometimes pussyfooting around a subject just doesn’t work! My late mum was a bit like that and then got upset when she was walked all over like a carpet.

I don't think it is about being forceful, I think it is about being clear and specific. At the moment it is awkward, argumentative and miserable for all of you!

Do not assume that he will pick up what is the obvious to you. State clearly what you want and why and also take into account his needs so as I suggested upthread have times when you cha to him, probably separate from when you call to talk to Mum. You can then say clearly that you are ringing for a chat with him OR you are ringing for a chat with Mum.

These sort of situations are best dealt with by honest discussion rather than hints, aggression, passive aggressive comments or whatever

Good luck

Granny activist I like you have a brother who needs a good chat before I speak to my dad, so we chat for half an hour about family and plants generally, then I speak to dad. No problem-you just need a spare hour!

Why do you have to be careful about what you're saying? Are you concerned about how he is treating her or something?

Some people just want to dominate a conversation - whatever you do. It's a control thing. I'd get her a phone of her own, maybe pay the bill - and if she can text too, so much the better!

I'm in a similar situation, but I always plan to spend an hour or so talking to my brother before asking him to put mum on the phone. He has very little opportunity for conversation and he and I have very little in common, but we both grow fruit and vegetables, so that's always the topic of our conversation.

Could it be that your brother simply needs to have an opportunity to have a chat too Skydancer ?

Well, this week I asked him not to put Mum on speakerphone. He obliged but I could hear her talking to him. So I shouted out Can I speak to Mum on her own as we might want to talk about women's stuff? He immediately rushed off to put the kettle on. We had a couple of minutes to ourselves but then he appeared with the tea and stayed there. I think I'm going to have to be more forceful. For goodness sake, why can't some people take hints. Someone upthread said men always think they're important and this is definitely the case with my brother. He has an inflated view of his importance. Thanks everyone.

For Pete’s sake just tell him you want a private chat with your mum! Why is that so difficult ?

Presumably because as the OP is asking for advice, that is not how relationships work in this family!

Ladyleftfieldlover

For Pete’s sake just tell him you want a private chat with your mum! Why is that so difficult ?

This made me laugh Ladyleftfieldlover!

Why so cross??

well maybe because it is on his phone, he feels it's really his call. i can see that. and he might want his phone back in order to make a call.
but what is the set up.
whose idea was it for mother to go stay with him.
is she ok with it. how much help does she need. how is her cognition. how much privacy/autonomy does she have there.

Nice definition Baggs gives me hope...

I don't know where it came from originally, but you can be a lady/be ladylike and be rude occasionally if the definition of a lady is someone who is never rude except on purpose. Go for it, skydancer

Sometimes you just have to face up to the possibility that someone might get offended. That's life.

Once mum has her own phone, ask her to phone you when she is on her own, or arrange a regular time when she will be in her own room for your phone call.

It is actually quite weird and controlling. Is that why you are worried about saying something?

Talk to him first,then ask him if mum can have a chat for a while.

If it were one of my brothers (which it wouldn't be), I'd just say "Bugger off, Bro; I called to talk to Mum."

I doubt they'd take that as rude; they'd probably laugh (and blush!) and then, as requested, bugger off. Nowt like a bit of straight talking where subtlety doesn't get through the level of self-centred gormlessness.

Get her own phone as suggested previously. One with big numbers etc if she needs it.

Also, say to your brother "It is nice to talk to you and hear your news but I also like to do the same with mum. It doesnt work in a 3 way conversation for me so I will ring separately to chat to you. When I ring to speak to mum it is our turn for a chat so please don't interrupt"

If he does interrupt, remind him of the conversation, tell him you will speak to him separately to hear his news and to please not interrupt whilst you talk to Mum.

Good luck

It shouldn't be difficult to do, just be direct. As someone upthread says, men don't always do hints etc. Unless of course he's hiding something and is worried what his Mum might say ?

I am not suggesting hurting anyone’s feelings! If a woman can’t ask her own brother to back off a bit, then I’m sorry.

BlueBelle

Because some people think of others feeling LLFL

I agree. The brother is not thinking about either his sister’s or his mother’s feelings at all. It would be better if your mum had her own phone. Do they have a landline?

Talk to him first, then ask him to put mum on. He can’t really interrupt then as he’s had his say. If he does you can laugh and say ‘hey you you’ve had your turn. It’s mums go’. If he doesn’t get it then you need to gently speak to him about it. Men don’t get hints. He’ll probably pick her phone up to speak to you if you get her one. It’s the usual male ego thing. Thinking they’re more interesting than anything else.

Bluebelle I disagree with you. What LLFL (and I) have said is: have a perfectly normal courteous conversation with your brother and just say you want to talk to your mother without him always being there. Where does thinking of others feelings come into it? Nothing is being suggested that could hurt anyone's feelings.