Should I Tell Him about my feelings?

It sounds as if you know that there won’t be a relationship with your friend - emotionally and logistically it’s not viable - but it’s really hard for you to acknowledge this at the moment which understandable but this is still painful.
You are uniquely vulnerable because you have been isolated for years which is not a normal state to live in. I don’t want to offend you but you do seem a bit unaware of abnormal it is not to have any close friends outside this online relationship.
I suggest not telling him because it will inevitably damage what is a precious valuable relationship in your life that has sustained you on many levels through the years. In time you may well be left with a good friend AND a man who loves you in return which would be the best of both worlds.

Try to fill your life up a bit more with other people offline when it’s possible. Start learning the art of friendship with people face to face. Life obviously needs to change for you and you know this but focus on what is actually possible rather than improbable daydreams. As a dreamer myself I know how hard this is but it must be done sometimes. Think of what the alternative is - you could lose a precious friend over an impossible scenario (and one he’s told you he definitely doesn’t want) without an alternative community to hold you together in his absence. That would be truly dreadful to have to deal with.
I wish you well.

strugglepuss, he may well be a very good friend. THAT is quite possible online. But real love doesn't happen unless you are physically with the person. Chemistry plays a large part of a real relationship.

He has told you he doesn't want another relationship. He has warned you off. Don't tell him how you feel and keep your friendship. You will need him over the next months or years as your husband deteriorates. If you tell him and he cuts you off, you will make your grieving much worse.

And doesnt he live in the opposite side of planet Earth?

I don’t want to sound unkind but I think you are vulnerable and may be in love with the idea of what could be. Honestly, you don’t know him.

You have had a very difficult marriage and I fully understand your desire to ' start living ' your online relationship has stood the test of time and has and is serving a purpose for both of you. Clearly he wants your relationship to remain as it is. If you confess your feelings you may loose him! With respect you don't really know this man and if you met him you may not like him !? Be very careful , I wish you luck but looking for love may be more productive closer to home. Please take care .

Struggles you have completely backtracked to ‘it’s just a friendship’…
Honestly, is it not normal to have friends?

You are the one who asked if you should declare your love for him as things had changed However, I realise I am falling in love and then you told us how your heart flipped when he said certain things he'll use an endearment that almost makes me flip. ……and that my dear is not a ‘friendship’ but now suddenly in your subsequent posts he is just a friend

All the advice you ve been given is very valid and yet you are now dismissing it
None of this makes much sense as if your ‘friendship’ started 20 years ago, you said you only found out about your husbands affairs after he went in the home which is very recently ???

At the moment, you are very much a prop for each other.
You have a fair bit in common , it seems, but there is still something that doesn't sit quite right with me.
It's all to easy for someone at the other end of a phone or computer to conveniently say "oh yeah , me too!" and make up stories to fit a mould.
It is also really easy to feel that you are in love with someone that can say just what you want or expect them to say but meeting them face to face is a different thing entirely and actually spending time together, you may well find that he has habits you hate, eats with his mouth open, snores like an elephant and has a wind problem!!
Sure enough, you can feel you care deeply for someone, but there is a high chance that if you let this man know, you won't see him for dust ! Take it from someone that knows!
Keep this "romance" as it is, as something that boosts your day and helps you to feel better when you are down, but please keep in touch with a bit of reality that this cannot go further than as it is.

You know when you are in the middle of a phone call and suddenly there’s an echoing silence?
I’m hearing that now, OP asked for input but clearly didn’t like what she read.
I expect she is long gone.
Unless of course she was trying out the plot of a “granchick lit” trashy novel.
Look out for it on Amazon!

I think the issue is people deal with trauma or grief in different ways and some of those ways are not socially acceptable. There is no set script, we all just do what do to get through things. It's quite obvious the original poster is upset and going through some life changing trauma (and some of that will be guilt too) and has focussed energy on a fantasy of sorts to preoccupy the weight of the real life serious stuff that is going on. It's not actually that unusual and everyone deserves compassion and a bit of empathy.

I know when I was caring full time I often felt like no one else in the world knew what I was going through. It's like an anger as to what is going on. Life isn't easy and I don't think anyone needs to take offence at what has been posted, we all just cope differently.

Your comments about none of us knowing how it is to nurse someone through dementia was cruel and thoughtless; regrettably many of us are members of this club. I feel sorry for the way things seem to have panned out for you, but if you came on here to get permission to dash off on a romantic trip, and subsequently lose a good friendship or have your heart broken, then you picked the wrong forum. Advice, sympathy, empathy even, but we do not just endorse foolish fantasy. Sorry

Strugglepuss

@MawBe ... I have not been indulging in any relationship. I have a friend, as simple as that. Just as I have another male online friend who is a good friend. Honestly, is it not normal to have friends? If I can't have them in real life, there's only one other way. You sound like a very suspicious person. Does having a friend mean you're having an affair? Not in my book it doesn't. If you can't differentiate between having a friend or having an affair then that is your problem.
I shall not bother venturing into this forum again. I asked a simple question and have taken heed of the advice but in the main am getting judgemental answers.

It’s not really a normal part of ordinary friendship to be seriously considering making a declaration of love. I think the OP has been living in her imagination way too long, through little fault of her own, and has forgotten how to have a normal, healthy friendship.

You are in deep denial

You are emotionally cheating on your husband
Yes, that is also cheating, no matter how much you may deny it.

Just when I think he's going cold, he'll use an endearment that almost makes me flip. Should I tell him how my emotions are becoming engaged or just shut up and hope that eventually he might feel the same. Sometimes I think he does feel that way about me, but just can't see it
That is not a platonic friend speaking, but a “girl” with romantic illusions - even delusions.

For “other side of the works “ read world of course!

Strugglepuss you do a disservice to the many women here who have nursed their husbands through years of dementia often with other illnesses like Parkinson’s, or through years of ill health to the end of terminal illness. So don’t say “only a person with a spouse with dementia knows what it is like”
There are many who know only too well.
As for protesting that this is only a friendship, you say
However, I realise I am falling in love with him and ask if you should tell him your feelings.
The consensus seem to be a resounding”No” , none of it meant unkindly but for your own emotional and financial protection.
You don’t say how old he is- is he a bit younger than you perhaps? I am assuming that after 49 years of marriage you yourself must be in your late sixties or seventies.
Is “the other side of the works” the Far East or perhaps S America? (You say how you have helped him with his English)
He is clearly grateful and you have become fond of him perhaps even in a maternal way, but alarm bells are ringing everywhere, and red flags abound.
I am not unnecessarily suspicious but exercising my own common sense .
This may be a sweet pen pal-type relationship, but travelling to “the other side of the world” to stay with him and his wife? Even contemplating whether this could go anywhere, I’m afraid this is the stuff of paperback fantasy.
Make the most of your life HERE and NOW and make those friends, instead of dreaming of another Brief Encounter.

@MawBe ... Just before I leave this forum for good, are you implying that because I had a male friend, that caused my husband's dementia? More likely it was caused by his obsession with pornography combined with the load of guilt and deceit I now know he was carrying that rotted his brain.

@MawBe ... I have not been indulging in any relationship. I have a friend, as simple as that. Just as I have another male online friend who is a good friend. Honestly, is it not normal to have friends? If I can't have them in real life, there's only one other way. You sound like a very suspicious person. Does having a friend mean you're having an affair? Not in my book it doesn't. If you can't differentiate between having a friend or having an affair then that is your problem.
I shall not bother venturing into this forum again. I asked a simple question and have taken heed of the advice but in the main am getting judgemental answers.

@GrandmaBatty ... At no stage have I said I will tell him. What I did say was that he will remain a friend. You clearly have no experience of dementia or the emotional toll it takes on the carer or spouse. I have never cheated on my husband. He's jolly lucky I am standing by him under the circumstances. Have you never known men that you could call a friend? And just friends as in penfriends is all we have been. Things have moved on. When we used to have penfriends we now have online friends. I have made wonderful friends on the internet, both men and women. The only company I could enjoy as my husband didn't seem to think it was normal to socialise and have friends. It is only since my husband went into care, cannot hold a lucid conversation and can't remember anything that I have become closer to my online friend as we have much in common with our individual situations. Only a person with a spouse with dementia knows what it's like.

No,it will spoil the friendship you have built up.
And tbh neither of you really know eachother properly,you are sort of penfriends imo.

Oh ok then. Go for it. Tell him. But be prepared to lose him as a friend. Your story is sad -and a little confused- but you have a chance now to move forward. Just don’t burn any houses down tho in the process. Good luck.

Should you tell him that your emotions are coming engaged? Yes as long as you’re prepared for an outcome you may not want.
If you enjoy your long distance supportive friendship I’d go with what BlueBelle says above and continue that long distance whilst trying to develop your life closer to home.

I wonder if I have got this right, so bear with me
You have been married for 49 years and met this man online 20 years ago. And this led to an online “relationship” ? May I ask how you met?
About 16 years ago your husband started cheating on you and at some point after that started showing symptoms of dementia
9 months ago things got so bad he entered the secure unit of a care home.
Your online friends wife also suffers from dementia and you have found sympathy and comfort as well as understanding from him.
He looks after his wife at home but has invited you to visit and stay - in what capacity? I wonder what his wife makes of these video calls in her presence?
I can’t see how you can say you each “ love your partner dearly ” especially after what you have said about your husbands infidelity and , keeping you “under lock and key” implying coercive control.
This is a romantic fantasy - probably harmless but one it seems you have been indulging while married to your husband and while he still lived at home Is there any coincidence in the timing of meeting this man on line and your husbands infidelity, or even early symptoms of dementia?
Yes you were lonely, yes the other man was sweet and sympathetic but be realistic, this is going nowhere
Tell him you love him? He loves his wife and cares for her home- what are you trying to do?
So at best a long distance crush, as I said, a romantic fantasy, but potentially destructive of their marriage.
At worst you may yet be being “played” for every penny you have. Video calls, photographs - these can all be faked.
You sound vulnerable, lonely, somewhat adrift and I hope you an make a new life for yourself after your move.
But this “romance” is not a life raft - and he could well be a shark.

Thank you for explaining your situation Strugglepuss I had misunderstood the situation, my apologies. ?

You've had a sad lonely life Strugglepuss wirh your husband. I hope you have a better time when you move.

OP, you have my sympathy. You have asked a question and received lots of answers. I truly believe that under the circumstances you will do what you want to do. Perhaps your heart will ultimately rule your head and you will eventually tell your friend how you feel. Perhaps this may never happen. Whatever happens, I wish you luck and a good life to come.