Should I Tell Him about my feelings?

I suppose the main questions are, is he a real person? and have you ever met him?

I don't mean to be so forthright but so many men prey on vulnerable women via the internet.

Also, you are going through something very traumatic and you need to deal with your feelings around that and concentrate on YOURSELF. Do you know any other women in the same position? Does the home your husband in organise any coffee mornings etc? I hope this doesn't sound patronising, if it does I apologise. I just think people underestimate the emotional turmoil of your situation

JaneJudge Oh he's real alright. Over the years he has sent photographs of himself and his wife ... he loves her dearly, I know that as I do my husband. He tells me and sends photos of what he's doing each day. We've had video calls where he's in his kitchen at home giving his wife lunch, or when they're out grocery shopping or stopping for coffee. We both agree we are therapy for each other and he has invited me to visit. I know his address etc.

I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. This man has made that clear. I don't think you really know him. You have never met him. Have you even had a face to face chat?
Obviously its serving a purpose for both of you, but I wonder are you concentrating too much on this long distance friendship and not developing some support/company where you live.

I'm glad he's real and you aren't being taken advantage of just be careful x

No no no.
You are drawn together through vulnerability at the moment and you are perhaps reading his understanding as love.
Assuming he's real, he's the other side of the world and has told you "no relationships".

Please be careful here. If he is genuine, telling him you have feelings for him when he clearly doesn't want that, is unfair. Enjoy what you have.

Personally I'd try to find someone as jane suggests - someone you may be able to share your worries and fears with in "real life".

9 months isn't long. You are still grieving and missing the relationship you once had. I feel for you. Don't let "feelings" spoil your "friendship".

Sorry just saw your second post Strugglepuss. So you have done video chats. I still think you shouldn't expect more than the friendship you have at the minute. Time will tell. But I still think its a good idea to have local support and friends.

nadateturbe ... As I've replied to JaneJudge, we've had video calls. He has a very caring nature and he's not your typical BS artist. I've run into a few of those on FB and can pick them a mile off. As I said in my original post, we have been good friends for 20 years. There have been times when I've been beside myself with grief, loneliness and hurt from my husband's betrayal. He has given me such wise counsel about how I must forgive my husband or I will be the one destroyed.
I am moving towns in the very near future so there is no point in trying to establish a new life for myself here. My foreign friend keeps encouraging me to seek a new relationship, to make sure there are plenty of people around me. He is very genuine, so back to my original question ... should I tell him how I feel? As I said above, he has invited me to visit and stay at his family home. Perhaps I will meet somebody in my new location, but my emotions are engaged now and I don't know if I can shake myself loose from this relationship. Whether it goes anywhere or not, I know I will always be in touch with him

I’m not sure you can ‘fall in love’ with someone you haven’t actually met and spent time with. Real time not remotely. I hate to say I think you’re in love with the idea of him. You've no idea who he is offline. Aside from that he’s told you already- he’s not into you in a romantic way. It’s not personal. Don’t be upset. It’s just not right for him. Keep the friendship. Move house. Move forward. I wish you every happiness. Oh and ps - don’t let the past define your future. Xx

I wouldn't tell him how you feel - it would place him under unfair pressure, particularly as he's still caring for his wife at home. I think it would change the dynamics.

It's nice that you've had a penpal-style friendship with this man for 20 years and you've helped each other through difficult times but IMO it's best to continue as good friends.

It's good you have this man as a trusted and supportive friend in your present circumstances. As your DH is in safe dementia care being looked after you will still need to be there for him as support. Your friend is looking after his wife at home it's not practical for the situation to change.
The distance between you is in itself is hardly conducive with your relationship.
If you commit to telling your friend how you feel what can you do about it at present. You need to build a life for yourself near home for the time being. Support each other during your difficult time you don't know what the future will hold.

No, I wouldn't

He told you very early where he stands and you telling him he's against his position

Is the attention that you like, or him?

I also feel there is a component of emotional infidelity, despite how hard your partners being sick is for both of you

I posted this without realising you had posted again. I wish you well with your relocation and hope you find the happiness you deserve.

‘No, no and no’.....as NotSpaghetti says. You cannot get the measure of anyone from just online interaction even including video calls.

You cannot fall in love with someone you have never met. You are confusing affection with love. You have been kind to each other but that isn't love. I understand your need for a relationship but this man has made his feelings very clear. If you profess your love to him then he may pull right away and you would lose any friendship. To be honest, I think you should pull away from him as you have become emotionally dependent on someone who can never give you what you want. I don't mean this unkindly.

Maybe he knows how you feel as he has made it clear that he does not want a fixed relationship again. If you can accept that and carry on with your friendship it will be a great support for both of you.

Enjoy your friendship but try to keep it in the moment and not think about the future.

He wants you as a friend, someone who is going through the same problems as he is.
He clearly loves his wife and sees you as just a friend, but you seem to think that he wants to have an affair, which is what it is really isn’t it?
I think that you are in a vulnerable situation, maybe blowing online chats out of all proportion and imagining a romantic relationship.
I think it’s good that he has been honest with you, but you need to either accept that he only wants you as a friend or stop the calls.

What were you doing corresponding with this man 20 years ago when you were both with your spouses? I smell a rat. Has he ever asked you for money or a loan. I would be very wary.

You say he loves his wife and has made it clear he is not looking for more than friendship. If you tell him how you feel it may lead to him breaking off contact and you both lose the support you give each other.

He sounds a really good friend, and I think if you tell him your feelings you may loose his friendship. You have much in common through shared problems with your spouses and are able to share emotions in a way you can't with people who have no experience of your situation.
Don't spoil what you have, it is precious but not a replacement for losing, slowly and painfully, your partner.

This man has been a great support as you deal with what is happening with your DH, and he can talk from experience too. He has been kind and fair enough to tell you that he does not want a relationship, he is dealing with his wife and presumable finds your calls and messages a great help. I suspect that if you tried to push further, for commitment of any kind, you would lose this man, just at a time when you both need each other. He is being fair to you, do him the same courtesy. You may find in time he starts to feel the same way, but meanwhile, enjoy the platonic, supportive relationship you both enjoy.

@Hithere As I discovered my husband had been cheating on me for 15 years with prostitutes prior to showing obvious signs of dementia, I feel no guilt at all in having a friendship with another male, especially as it's not PHYSICAL as in my husband's case. I still love my husband, poor fool me, but I will never get over the deceit and betrayal.
@NanKate. For the 49 years my husband and I have been together, we had absolutely no social life. My husband refused to have any friends and as a result I had none either. I realise now that my husband was determined to keep me under lock and key in case I decided to make a getaway, which with hindsight, I probably should have done. I don't know how many years I have left, but I am determined to start the life I've been deprived off all these years. I want to go out for coffee, or be taken out for dinner, to have some excitement in my life instead of being at home all the time. I was not even allowed to go shopping alone. I can see now that because he was cheating he was going to make sure I couldn't go up the road and do what he was doing. Is it any wonder I have an online friendship from 20 years ago ... perfectly open and honest. I always told my husband when he emailed me and sent photos of his home country. I had nothing to hide as I wasn't doing anything wrong. With no other people in my life, one or two emails a year seems pretty petty to condemn anybody for under the circumstances.

No ones blaming you for your 20 year friendship strugglepuss I wouldn’t blame you if you’d had an affair as your husband had set the standards of the marriage BUT can’t you see the irony in your post
I want to go out for coffee, or be taken out for dinner, to have some excitement in my life instead of being at home all the time ……none of this will happen with a man who you say lives the other side of the world and has made it clear he wouldn’t leave his wife for ANother
Your original question was ‘ should I tell him I love him’ the answer is NO you don’t love him you, love the idea of him and he is the nearest you have got to escaping the life you have not enjoyed
Your husband is out of your care, in a home so you have the opportunity and time to get out and about, join some groups, make some female friends ….join a dating group if that’s what you want, but don’t set your stores on a man who will never fulfil your dreams or you will be setting yourself up for another tumble and yet more disappointment

You are wasting so much precious time now you have freedom on something that will not give you what you yearn for…… fun, love, and attention You should have divorced the adulterer and found life many years ago, but you didn’t, so don’t tie your self down to a pretend relationship for what time is left

@BlueBelle ... There is much more to this. I live in a small town but am currently in the process of selling my house to move to a larger town, actually where MH's resthome is. There is no nightlife here, but when I get to my new abode I intend getting to know people and starting to live a little. At this stage I'd be happy just socialising, having coffee with friends, things I've not had the chance to enjoy before.
I didn't know about MH's adultery until he went into care. I found notes, names and a phone number, was able to look back at things he'd said to me over the years and it all fell into place. There were so many red flags but I missed them all. He was very clever at keeping that side of his life hidden. He was at home retired, while I was still out working. He had the perfect opportunities while I worked to get us out of debt and then I find out he was wasting money on prostitutes! Don't worry, I know what I'm doing, but my foreign friend will remain in my life.

I hope you have a much better second half to your life struggle you certainly sound as if you deserve it and no I m not worried that your ‘foreign’ friend will stay in your life that was not your question Your question was should I tell him my feelings (love) and I still say concentrate on things here and leave him as a kind and supportive friend or else you will spend your second chance hankering after something unobtainable
Good luck with your move and a more productive life anyway