To stay or go?

Leaving is the only way

I hope the counselling session goes well today.

Leaving is the best option.

I'm seeing a counselor on Friday so I will do no more till after that. He may initiate a conversation before then but I doubt it. I feel I need to let it settle in that I am at the point of leaving. I even told him my plan so that he knows I have given it some thought. He didn't put everything on my job. He feels it's a contributing factor. That's not negotiable and I told him so. He did accept the examples I raised and apologised. He couldn't really argue with them. At the moment I just feel relieved it's out there and that I was able to be really clear about what I want and need.

So what are you going to do now?

He has told you this is your fault. How does it make you feel?

I do feel that women's jobs can get blamed for men not bothering. No matter how hard one works, how successful one is; whether it's a career or the work a woman does to pay the bills while juggling all manner of family responsibilities. In many men's eyes everything would be better if you were at home waiting for him to come back from his important work. Of course they like the money you contribute so they don't say this out loud.
So his behaving like a nob toward you is because of your job mostly. So you must try harder too even though this came about because he didn't try at all.

So I told him exactly how I feel. That I feel so alone that I actually might as well be alone. I've given examples and he has agreed he can see why I feel that way. He feels he has been trying for the last few weeks but has hit a brick wall. Told him that's because I have given up. He feels my job is partly to blame. I've explained my job is full on, it will be for a while as I get a specific section of the organisation sorted. I was clear by job won't change, it can't at the minute, and that actually it would feel a whole lot easier if I had more support at home. He heard me at least and I feel better for saying all that. He wants to try again but when I asked how we do that he couldn't say and agreed we have been here before.

It’s true that society can seem like it is organised around couples and families and it can take time to adjust to being alone. I was widowed young twenty years ago so I have had a lot of practice. Apart from the very occasional entanglement which I have usually regretted (one of them hugely) I have remained alone and prefer it that way. You grow in confidence until it seems like second nature to go solo. I have friends and do things with them too but I am perfectly happy to go to evening clubs, the cinema, theatre, concerts, galleries, talks and lectures, hiking, on holiday, anything really, on my own.

Nowadays, I prefer the company of other singles and tend to find them more interesting. Or my friends who are in relationships but aren’t joined at the hip to their SOs and don't talk about them constantly. The Bechdel test for movies can equally be applied to meets with friends.

If there is a stigma attached to being a lone woman, I no longer feel it, I just revel in my independence. I’m only seven years younger than you, manny, and I still get asked out remarkably often so don’t necessarily think that you won’t have another relationship if that's what you want. Sometimes, I say yes to dates, sometimes no but if yes, I always make it clear that I am not seeking any kind of committed relationship. I accept that I am old woman now but the last thing I want is an old man (or even a younger man) making demands and wanting to take away my independence.

Give it time, try some activities on your own and embrace your new freedom.

To LocalandLost and anyone stuck in an unhappy relationship. If you have the means to get out, do it while you have the chance. Single life can be rewarding and fun.

I hope it goes well.

Good luck.

In fact it's not about him understanding. It's about me saying how I actually feel. All of it.

Lone not line!

Oh Manny I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been a very tough decision. Can I ask if you regret it?
Although I have been with my partner for years I have often been the line woman. Sometimes I have felt very much the odd one out and at times I know I have been the subject of a conversation- sitting on holiday in a bar on my own (he chose not to come - won't stay in a caravan!) whilst my daughter was in the kids activities a couple of ladies at a nearby table made that very clear!
Daughter is staying with a friend tonight so I'm going to talk to him whilst we are on our own. He does need to understand that this is way beyond being made better by one helpful weekend.

This is certainly not normal behaviour he is not showing you or daughter any love or compassion I'd leave and not look back

So sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had similar problems and eventually walked away. The aftermath has been very challenging. I left about three and a half months ago. I was very lonely in the marriage. Three and a half months isn’t that long though.
What strikes me is, if you have a sixteen year old daughter, you’re still young and have lots of life to look forward to.
When I first met my husband eleven years ago, I thought our marriage would last for the rest of my life. I’m seventy three now, so this was probably my last relationship.
It was the right thing to do - leaving. But there’s no getting away from the fact that it’s a huge change. Out to lunch today, with lots of friends. Mainly couples. Watching how they interact hurts: seeing the care with which some wives are treated. But then, I didn’t have that. I definitely feel there’s still a stigma attached to being a lone woman. What do the ret of you think?

"I feel like now I can't say all that's been bothering me because he's trying"
A home cooked meal is the most bare minimum - why do you settle for such a low standard?

Why not tell him ALL that bothers you yo give an honest chance for this to work?

The gut in me says -it's a little too late.

There is so much here to fix - a meal is not enough

At the moment I don't know. He's trying still. Came home to a cooked meal (finally!). He's still avoiding it. I feel like now I can't say all that's been bothering me because he's trying. He's finally heard that I've had enough but I don't want to slip back as he won't keep this up then I'm back where I started. I just need to say again that I can't carry on...it took me ages to get to that last time and here I am again.

I think you really know the answer to your own dilemma, L. Sad but true........

Even if he loves you, he doesnt provide what you need.

What are you planning to do about it?

its gone through now sorry u had to go to emergency vet

I want someone who not only loves me but shows it. Not in grand gestures (although an occasional one would be nice!) but in day to day care of me. Listening when I talk, making an odd meal, shared interests...etc. I see my friends having this and think 'why don't I have that?'. I do know he loves me. I just don't feel it.

Hi Localandlost. What is 'the dream you are chasing'? If it includes this man in particular, maybe initiate a conversation with him about your relationship? There is a lack of intimacy, a great distance between you and in my experience, this will not improve without effort on both sides. It's risky to start such a conversation but how long can you endure this rift?

Is he “better than nothing?” Some women stay because their self esteem is so low they can’t imagine leaving “nothing “ behind.

This is not a rehearsal.

Low self esteem is a horrible place to be, I have been there

It is so worth looking for help and addressing it.

so with all those assets, job, daughter etc, why bother remaining in this situation that is not enhancing your life.
what would make your daughter more happy; you continuing like this, forever, and her saying when she is old, oh it was such a waste that mother never really lived her own life, by and for herself, or her rejoicing in your extricating yourself from the baneful effect of your dismal childhood.
make her happy. don't linger in self-imposed punishment.