Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

This is all so very sad and something that could quite easily with happen to any one of us. It’s nobody’s fault and there is nobody to blame.

The question asked in the first sentence of the OP has been adequately answered in a single incident in DH’s own front garden.

If the police were called by another neighbour as described, the matter would surely be dealt with only as a breach of the peace and in the circumstances no further action would be taken.

Very sad.

As others have said much better than I can so I will just add that I’m sending you hugs and best wishes. Whatever is happening you will get through it.

Just to add what others have said.

Sending you my thoughts and sympathy, I do hope things improve.

Best wishes lovely lady. Sending you big hugs. Hope all turns out well.

Bettinalove, I think it was inevitable that the police were going to be involved in the end. It is just a terrible pity that he has become injured as part of the 'dealing with it' process.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now.

I'd just like to send my best wishes, you have had such a shock take care of yourself, glad you have a supportive family.

So sorry you are in this situation Bettinalove take the opportunity to talk to a Dr whilst your husband is in hospital and explain his inappropriate behaviour.
Let your family help and support you. I'm sure no one is laughing at you, most people nowadays have some experience of relatives with dementia or mental health problems. Be firm with medical staff about help being needed now not months down the line. Good luck

Oh bettina what a terrible story you poor lady but please don’t think anyone is laughing at you I m sure everyone is concerned and upset and I m sure as sure can be if your husband was in his right mind he would not be saying he can’t bear you
I can’t help feeling sorry for him too because he obviously has a delusional mental health problem and no longer sees you as his wife but someone who is keeping him away from the life he wants please understand he is NO LONGER in his right mind he is living in a parallel world

When my mum had dementia at times if I went to help Dad she would say leave him alone he is my husband she saw me as ‘the other woman’ I m only telling you this to try and explain how someone can slip into a place we cannot understand He may even be thinking the woman next door is ‘you’ and he’s being kept from you I m convinced he is not a bad man he is not seeing the world through normal eyes
Please please don’t let the GP get away with ‘see how it goes in a few months’ demand he has a brain scan and a proper mental health diagnosis this man needs help as much as you do
I m so glad your daughter in law is being supportive and hopefully the rest of the family will rally round and help you over the next few months while things are getting sorted
Good luck and keep your chin up xx

I can't add to the messages above except to say that you have a wonderful supportive family. So you and your husband must have done a good job bringing them up.
Good neighbours too.
Such a sad situation to end up with.

Bettinalove
No one is laughing at you. Be more focused on how you and your supportive family are going to get a proper diagnosis and treatment for your husband.
Some years ago I worked in social care and looked after a lady of 88 with Alzheimer’s and her 92 year old husband. They were the sweetest nicest people but the lady did have this terrible illness with Lewy Body’s and was convinced that l was having an affair with her husband. This is a sad situation and will need sensitive handling as lm sure you are aware of. Maybe you could ask the doctor to recommend a mental health ward for elderly people whilst he is stabilised to a better state of health if possible because he is becoming a danger to himself and others.
I have seen this type of ward where elderly people are cared for when such circumstances arise.
Wishing you all the best and stay strong for your son’s and dil.

Nobody is laughing at you.
I think you must be heartbroken, and everyone has some experience of that.
Unfortunately in life horrible things happen, and you just need to hold your head up high and weather it out.
I think it’s time to get some legal advice.
Whether through illness, dementia, or circumstances changing, we can’t make someone love us when they turn against us.
Be strong and face it out. You WILL come through the other side. ❤️

Oh dear, poor you, Bettinalove.

I don't think anyone is laughing at you but I think thoughts on a possible reason for your DH's behaviour may be correct.

If he does have dementia then the things he is saying may be coming from the disease and not from the fact that he hates you - he may not understand he is saying this.
It does sound as if he needs an urgent diagnosis. Would they do this whilst he is in hospital?

I'm so glad to hear that the family is rallying round and being practical and supportive. I'm sure your neighbours are not laughing at you. It is a blessing in disguise that your DH is now in hospital. Don't accept him home without cast iron guarantees of help or there is clear evidence that he has come to his senses (unlikely?).
You're in a rotten situation which seems to have blown up from nowhere. I think other Grans are right about Lewy Body dementia.
We're all rooting for you. You're truly not alone

I am sorry that you are in this pickle. It is not of your making and you must not feel embarrassed about it.

Your OH's behaviour in front of these people serves to make it all the clearer that he has problems with reasoning and mental functioning. He is not the man you married; and you must remember that if he were his normal self, there would be no question of him not being able to "bear" you.

The neighbour talked of calling the police because your OH's behaviour was becoming dangerous - none of this is aimed at you. You do not know that people are laughing at you - you might be surprised how many people will recognise similar problems with their own families, in one degree or another.

Your last paragraph is full of negatives, and I can understand your feelings. But please count the positives too - your family are by your side and have got your back - that is a precious thing.

I do fully understand how difficult it is when the man you loved and with whom you have spent a large chunk of your life suddenly undergoes a personality change (even if through no fault of their own) - I have been there and it was hard.

You are not bad to feel relieved that he is in hospital where hopefully they will do some proper testing and assessment to see what is going on. It is important that someone in your family talks to the medics and makes sure they know what is going on.

I send you strength and good wishes.

Please don’t think anyone is laughing at you bettinalove they aren’t, hopefully your DH will get sorted now in hospital and be assessed, I’m glad your Ac are helping you, please take care of yourself, best wishes & please let us know how everything is going when you can, people do care on here and will show you support

I really don't think that anyone is laughing at you. This is a serious and sad situation. Your husband's mental health needs to be assessed while he is in hospital. I would think that where you go from here depends on two things, the result of the assessment and what you would like to do. At least you can now discuss things openly and get some help and support for whatever you decide to do. You do have a voice in all this. I vets wouldn't have him home without help.

Big hugs Bettinalove, no-one could have predicted this would all blow up like this a week ago, you are doing very well. I'm glad you have your family on side, and as dreadful and unfortunate as it is, I hope your husband can be assessed in hospital.

So sorry for the urgent developments.

Is is clear that the situation was more serious than originally thought in the initial posts - your dh's behaviour was crossing the line

I would avoid any interaction between neighbour and your husband.

Your dh clearly has a medical or mental issue that needs help

Poor Bettinalove. I’m so pleased your children are rallying round. You’ve dealt with this alone for so long. Now you have their help and support. Please don’t think the neighbours are laughing at you. If they’re laughing at anyone it’s him because he’s been so silly. And the neighbour who called the police only did so because there was a dangerous situation. She didn’t call them to you. Now your husband is in hospital you have a perfect opportunity to speak to his doctor there to get him properly assessed by a mental health professional. He is almost certainly mentally ill. Treatment may be possible. This incident may be a blessing in disguise for you. Good luck and do let us know how you’re getting on. You have a lot of supportive friends here.

hi everyone. Thanks so much for your messages. This is so so difficult. i had lunch and a long chat with DS2 and DIL. DS2 was devastated. He has phoned the GP and expressed his concerns. Hes been told to call back if still worried in a "few" months. DS2 took a fishing trip on Monday with DH and tried to talk to him about it. DH has told DS2 he cannot bear me anymore and needs his life back with the woman he loves. DH has not exactly said but indicated to DS2 he is "looking" on what he classes as appropriate sites online. DIL has been wonderful. She is the same age as the woman. DIL has been to speak to the woman. Ive found out the woman has a boyfriend and actually thought DH was watching her to report her to the police for breaking the rule of 6. DIL thought the woman didnt seem bothered when she explained that DH had been exhibiting inappropriate behaviour aimed at her.

The situation has gone from bad to worse when 2 of the womans friends and her boyfriend came round last night to challenge him. DH was in the front garden avoiding me as normal so they must have been watching for him. i saw them come and stayed inside at the window. They basically told him to back off. DH got very animated, shouting he could love who he chooses etc etc, embarrassing himself then picked up the garden fork and started pointing it at them swinging it towards them. Another neighbour called the police. A friend of the woman disarmed DH, he fell backwards and is now in hospital with a dislocated hip.

DIL came and stayed with me overnight. Shes still here. My neighbour next door who is a good friend went to talk to the woman. The woman then called me on the phone and i told her i didnt want any friction and i was sorry for what DH had done. She was upset as well.

So where do i go from here. i have no idea. DS2 has asked DD and DS1 to come to visit as soon as possible. They will be here later. I have a husband who cannot bear me, a street laughing at me and a neighbour who could call the police on me. I feel terrible for saying but i am a little relieved DH is in hospital for a few days just to get some space and time.

I remember my dad, years ago, talking to their ( my mum’s and his GP), because she was acting strangely. I know this because I sat and talked to dad about the fact we had noticed she wasn’t right. Won’t go into detail, it’s irrelevant, but suffice to say, the GP was very helpful, and told my dad it could be related to medication she was taking at the time. There may have been more discussed, but I just left it there.

My dad died a few years later, and I became estranged from my mum. We’d never seen them regularly before, perhaps once or twice a year, due to distance mainly. I never felt my mum was right though, and could see it at each visit, probably because I didn’t have the ‘ drip drip’ of seeing them regularly. I never got the chance to speak to dad again, my mum always got in the way, so can’t say how it panned out.

Confidentiality may be more strict now. This was about 20 years ago. As I always say on every thread I go on, the only way forward is honesty, and talking. Nothing covert, just plain out there. The OP’s husband could be ill, but this neighbour needs to be informed. Even if she laughs and scoffs, the right thing has been done, and then you bettina, can concentrate on your husband.

All the best.

OnwardandUpward

PippaZ

OnwardandUpward you can certainly make the GP aware of your concerns and the GP can listen to what you have to say. What he cannot do is discuss the patient unless you have the right Power of Attorney.

I think they do tell the patient though even when you don't want them to. Their loyalty is to the patient not to you.

It is not about "loyalty". It's about the patient and the law.

eazybee

I am pretty sure you cannot film someone secretly and then show the film to that person's doctor, even if you are related to him. The camera does lie, all the time.

Well I know you can edit things to make it look worse but if someone is hovering around in front of the window and talking about the neighbour and you ask them to stop, but they wont- that's unreasonable or a lack of control.

PippaZ

OnwardandUpward you can certainly make the GP aware of your concerns and the GP can listen to what you have to say. What he cannot do is discuss the patient unless you have the right Power of Attorney.

I think they do tell the patient though even when you don't want them to. Their loyalty is to the patient not to you.

Rosycheeks I couldn’t agree more.

Especially if he’s read through all of these pages!