Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

My dad, brother and brother in law often pop by in the daytime due to working odd hours/odd days. I am now cringing at the thought the neighbours might think I am “seeing other men”…!!

I'd say this is more than a crush: it's an obsession!

Men can be really stupid, you're right Katie59. I know of a local man who follows women and has no idea he's a pest. He hangs around outside their houses hoping to see them, only in his case it's not just one but many!

It sounds like the other men maybe visiting her because of her business.

I have had this happen with a couple of older men, and I'm hardly a femme fatale.
In my 30s I had a man in his late 60s making a nuisance of himself for months after he did a job for me.
He turned up with a picnic one day, ready to whisk me off to Brighton!

Men can be incredibly stupid and probably not ill at all, he just will not admit he has a crush on her.

I would be tempted to have a word with her, say you know he has been messaging her and has a crush, would she please shut him down. As she is only answering a few messages, is seeing other men and may be pregnant, having him off the scene may suit her.
She is probably just being friendly she and has not realized what is happening and you can then both have a laugh about his crush.

bettina this is a horrible situation but you are letting your mind completely run away with you God forbid she is pregnant and then you go on with various scenarios even worrying about what the teenage children would say and if would they pass it round at school you also are talking and planning how you would manage if you divorce
You are torturing yourself with these ‘what ifs’ which serve no purpose at all but to rev your anxiety up

There is NOTHING in your posts that suggest anything physical has happened or that the neighbour is even aware of his attention With five children and a business to run I doubt she has even noticed your husband attention to her
I really don’t think you should talk to your neighbour at this stage it might spook her completely (it would me)

REMEMBER If your husband was in his right mind he would be hiding his obsession from you not talking about her and sitting drooling He is obviously ill

Hand it over to your son he is a middle aged man and although he loves his Dad he is not invested in the same emotional way as you bring it into the open in your family and hopefully he will get him some help and you some peace

My daughter-in-law had a landlord who became obsessed with her and would stand outside their lounge window when my son was out. She had to close the curtains. I was there one day when it happened. Eventually she told his son and was informed he had dementia. He had a wife and she was in despair about it. I feel for you. Certainly I would have a chat with my doctor and my son if I was in your situation. My son and family eventually had to move because of it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this Bettinalove.
I hope you will feel a little better for sharing this with your family.
This uncharacteristic, inappropiate behaviour of your husband is not normal as you already know. It might relate to a physical problem so I suggest an urgent GP appointment. Personally, I would ask the GP to organise 1. a brain scan and 2. a referral to a geriatrician. Do please keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Bettinalove I am so glad youre involving your kids. It will be hard for them , but Im glad you wont be alone with this. Do you have other trustworthy neighbours that you could have a word with to keep an eye on him when you cant be there?

Some older people can lose their inhibitions and do strange things as a result of dementia, too. I am sure hes not himself and the old him would surely not wish to hurt you in this way. He does sound very unaware! Possibly your kids or another visitor might see things you might be overlooking, only because sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

Please be aware that if his behaviour escalates, she may well get the police involved.

This sounds a dreadful situation and you are right to discuss it with your children, and then to contact your doctor. There was a situation like this some years ago at my church when a very respectable married man, much younger than your husband, pillar of the church,became obsessed with a happily married woman. She disregarded his advances so to impress her he raised a considerable amount of money for the charitable work she was doing, only it wasn't fundraising, it was theft from the accountancy firm he worked for.

The sooner you can get your husband's obsession recognised as an illness the better; I am sure there is a medical reason for this change in his behaviour. I would not discuss it with the woman concerned until you have had a medical assessment of your husband, and you must pester for this.
It doesn't seem as though your husband is receiving any encouragement from this woman, and I imagine she would be alarmed if she realised the extent of his obsession.
It may be a good idea to consult a solicitor and register your concerns about the situation.

I recognise some of this behaviour and you do need to talk to his GP. This sort of delusional behaviour is common in PD and Lewy Bodies; or as a reaction to certain medications.

It does sound like delusional behaviour and the one piece of advice that I would give is to avoid getting sucked in - it has already happened a bit with you tailing her.

Talk to the GP.

Just read your latest update which must have been written while I was sending my post. Well done on taking positive steps to involve others, good idea to meet your son away from the house. Might be an idea to write things down as well as talking? Sounds like you have a lovely supportive family. As for your comment about dementia, it could be if this is the diagnosis and his behaviour is explained to him and put in context that it could stop. I have known that happen.
Do you know how your husband feels about the children of the neighbour? 4-16 is quite an age range and I wonder if any of them have noticed his behaviour (I am not suggesting you ask!) and how they react.
Please look after yourself as best you can.

From what you have said it is highly unlikely that the lady is interested in your husband. I think this is demonstrated by her only responding to about 1 in 10 of his emails. I'm not quite sure why you think she might be pregnant. If you about it no young woman of 44 is going to be interested in a man of 72, unless he is incredibly rich.

It does sound as if your husband is unwell and you are right to discuss this with your children asap. You are going to need their support in dealing with whatever you decide to do.

I wish you all the best and hope that you come to a resolution soon.

Gosh, I am so sorry you are in this absolute nightmare. Hopefully once you have spoken to your children, you will see a way forward. I have to say from what you’ve written, your OH does sound unwell.

Oh you poor soul, what a horrible and worrying situation. I second the idea of keeping a day to day note of your husband's behaviour and I would suggest not just times when he watches this woman or talks about her. You may then see a pattern or note other oddities. Involving your children also sounds a good idea. If they live close I wonder if one of them could mention to the neighbour that they are concerned about Dad and had she noticed anything? Might be easier from your son than from you? I know it is an invasion of privacy but I think I would look at computer and phone history too and take screenshots. It is so difficult as you don't want to knock trust or cause issues in your family yet this is worrying behaviour which could escalate and your update suggests this could be happening, especially mention of a baby. Also, we are potentially talking about someone stalking a single woman living with children.
I really feel for you and hope you and your husband get the support you need to understand and deal with this. From what you have said it seems likely to be a mental health issue and he needs help.

hi everyone, thanks again for your support. Ive arranged to meet my son (DS2) and DIL for lunch on Saturday. i cant talk to him at home incase DH overhears or comes home early. Its likely to devastate him - i need to do this face to face. Once ive spoken to him i will do the same with DS1 and DD both who live further away.

I think my son will do some "research" of his search history. I am not good with this sort of thing. IT was coming in more and more at work and i was struggling when i retired at 65. I want to speak with my son before speaking to her. my head is mixed up today and i need to be clear what i want to say. DH has got a lot of heart problems and osteoarthritis in his hips so im hoping my son will go to the doctor with him.

DH is currently stomping around as she has male and female visitors again. Ive heard them playing with the children in the back garden and theres a BBQ going on. He has ignored me so far since i last posted. Fortunately he hasnt tried to join the party. God forbid she is pregnant. Her youngest is around age 4. Unlikely at age 44????? She doesnt look like it as i would have thought at this age she would show symptoms of it but you never know. She also has teenagers - one around 13 then other 15/16. How i will cope if they know anything and spreads it in school. The shame will never go.

Financially divorce at our age will cripple both of us although i know the DC will be there. In my mind dealing with dementia is easier then the fact he only wants her and our marriage is over but even if he receives this type of diagnosis it is unlikely to end his obsession with this woman and there will be more women if it is not her. I have considered going to stay with my daughter. i need to tell her first but does that give him a free reign to watch her or be with her 24/7?

That’s pretty unlikely though. Much more likely is that there’s a woman living next door who is trying to raise a family and run a business and is freaked out by her creepy old neighbour - and possibly his wife who is convinced she’s leading him on.

And, ah.... what if she really IS pregnant?
What if he's not delusional at all, but a rotten cheater?

If you talk to the neighbour and she happens to be fond of him, you will be pushing them together. Do you think he may be learning IT skills to help her business? I would definitely get his computer history (or ask your son to gather evidence from there when you know your husband will be out)

I would be more inclined to gather as much evidence as you can and enlist your son and a family friend to confront him, letting him know that you feel he may have a medical problem and advising him to see the GP (or you will). If you go behind his back he will find out anyway. If it's not a medical issue, it's a legal issue so he needs threatening with divorce and may need to accept therapy to address his unhealthy behaviour.

As this is all fairly recent , I would write a letter to your DHs GP detailing what is happening and get an appointment with him asap. It seems that something is wrong and it’s totally out of character. Hopefully the GP can shed some light on what is happening, I also hope that one of your ACs can have a chat with him, but if it’s like my neighbours husband he won’t be able to see that anything is wrong and will blame you.
Keep strong and hopefully the GP can set your mind at rest, it’s strange to hope that he is ill rather than believe that he is besotted with a younger woman though.

Depending on what his medication IS, it could be side effects, yes. Definitely worth looking it up online and talking to the GP in that case.

I would still keep evidence of his behavior to show him when he is more reasonable as the reason why you did what you did (go to the GP) I can't imagine he is going to be thrilled about you going to his GP behind his back and they will most likely tell him, so the more evidence you have of what is actually happening, the better.

Well your last post gave more detail I am very sorry you are going through this. There is obviously more to this than flirtation in your DH mind. The sooner you talk to your DS and confide with the Doctor the better for you and possibly to help your husband.?

I've just remembered someone I volunteered with who had similar problems with her husband - he was on medication for a health condition, and he lost all inhibitions and became delusional and fixated on his assigned nurse.

I agree with BlueBelle. You’ve tried to cope with this all on your own, but now it’s time to involve your children. I think they’d be upset to think of what you’re having to deal with.

Theres a story on here called "Dirty Old Man" and the man does modify his behaviour, when challenged in that story. Could be worth a read.