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Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

(289 Posts)
Bettinalove Thu 15-Jul-21 00:31:29

Perhaps someone can tell me if i am imaging something here. DH is 72 and i am 68. We have been married for almost 40 years with never any problems until now.
Almost a year ago a young woman with 5 young children moved into the large bungalow opposite our property. I thought she was in her 30s but ive found out recently she is 44. She has always been very friendly, chatty, the house is always busy and since restrictions ease numerous men and women visit her house. She has always struck me as independent and (not at all wanting to pass judgement) appears to have plenty of money - lots of trips away, outings for the kids etc. she is at home a lot as she runs a business from home.
DH and I used to chat to her outside her garden. DH has even volunteered to help her with a crumbling wall around 5 months ago even though the work was hard for him. Since that day DH is constantly watches her house out of the window, constantly tells me everytime there is movement in the house. We had her mobile number that some time ago she gave us both but I know DH is messaging her on whatsapp. He has started to keep his phone on him all the time. Once when he left it on the sofa whilst he was in the bathroom there was scrolls of messages from him asking her how she was, could he do anything for her, would she like coffee. He told her he is free at any time to come round. She had replied to around 1 in every 10 of his messages. He also goes into the front garden when he knows she will leave and return on the school run.
I have tried to discuss this with him but he shuts me down or tells me he is trying to be friendly and implies i am the suspicious wife.
I am concerned. What on earth does he want with a 44 year old with 5 kids. she is younger then our oldest son. In one way i feel like he may be harassing her and causing awkwardness. In the other hand i wonder if she is loving the attention and there is more going on then i realise. If he sees young men - (30s/40s) go into her house he goes into a sulk for days on end. This is becoming unbearable. Or am is it really just in my head as surely - she is 28 years younger then him shes not interested is she?
As i said talking to him gets nowhere. He shuts down or doesnt speak to me for hours. Im feeling lost. sorry for length of post.

Ali08 Wed 01-Sep-21 13:32:49

Bettinalove,

I've read just about everything, definitely your updates and I'm feeling so bad for you.
If I knew you personally I'd be tempted to send you some flowers every so often, 'with love from a secret admirer', to see how he liked it on the other foot!!!
It's a pity this other lady hasn't put up a privacy fence.
I'd have stuck something to the window, like privacy screen, to stop his viewing, but that might make matters worse for you!!
If the house is sold - I'm assuming you own it - proceeds should be split down the middle and then you both go your own separate ways. I doubt he would want to sell, tho, so he'll have to buy you out!
I hope you and the lady are still friends.
Does he still message her? Maybe she should do something like inform the police that he's watching her and making her and her children uneasy!!

Bettinalove,
I wish you all the best, please keep us updated whenever possible!
Look after yourself and stand tall & smile whenever you leave the house!!!

JaneJudge Wed 01-Sep-21 11:52:35

Bettina, are you ok? Lots of Gransnetters are worried about you

luluaugust Mon 23-Aug-21 15:08:02

Bettina hoping you are ok. flowers

BlueBelle Mon 23-Aug-21 07:57:59

How are you Bettina if you have time do come back and tell us you have many people wondering about you and wishing you well

Nortsat Mon 23-Aug-21 07:01:06

Thinking of you Bettina hoping the situation is getting resolved in some way and sending good wishes💐

Rosycheeks Fri 13-Aug-21 17:44:39

Sorry meant divorce.

Rosycheeks Fri 13-Aug-21 17:31:25

I just wonder if your husband is really going to devorce you or is it just in his mind. I think your eldest boy is not really angry just upset that it has happened and dosnt know how to handle it.
Yes get legal advice.
Im so sorry after all this time your world has been turned upside down. Take care 💐

Fennel Fri 13-Aug-21 17:06:06

ps and I agree with you Bluebell your man is ill wih some deterioration of old age.
I don't know how hospital tests can detect that.
They're not magicians or prophets.

Fennel Fri 13-Aug-21 16:59:51

Still following your sad story. All I can add is to agree with those who say be sure to have your own legal advisor.
And this thread has the positive side of warning we older people of yet another downside of old age.

BlueBelle Thu 12-Aug-21 20:23:37

Thanks for coming back bettina we ve all been so concerned for you
I think you need to get out the house as soon as able could you stay with one of your children for a decent break ?
Good advice about having everything ready ‘in case’ but as he is not that mobile I doubt if he will be able to harm you if you stay out of his way
If he continues his watching the lady next door she may well put a complaint in if it bothers her or if he goes any further in his obsession
I still think the man is ill did they ever do a brain scan, brain tumours can change people in very strange ways if they did do a brain scan and nothing abnormal then it’s a mystery if he has always been a decent husband in the past and you haven’t said anything to make it sound as if he was awful or a bad husband before I don’t think you would be so broken if he had behaved badly throughout your married life
Take care and keep talking to us hopefully we can all help keep your spirits up a tiny bit

Forestflame Thu 12-Aug-21 18:01:12

Hithere put it very well.
You need to get legal advice ASAP.
So sad to hear how things have turned out for you. Please remember to take care of yourself as much as is possible in the circumstances.

midgey Thu 12-Aug-21 17:23:05

What a nightmare situation for you. flowers

Grannmarie Thu 12-Aug-21 15:17:41

Thank you for your update, Bettinalove, I'm so sorry that things have not improved for you.

Please keep a bag prepared, with money, medication, toiletries, essential documents and a change of clothes, in case you find it necessary to leave in a hurry. Keep your car keys on your person. Keep your mobile charged.

You have the support of the majority of your children, I think your elder son will come round in time. They will get you through whatever lies ahead.

Sending you love and prayers, and wishing you well for the future. 💕🙏💕

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 12-Aug-21 15:02:39

Bless you. Sad to hear things are no better, but at least I think you can get closure now. Make sure you take proper advice to protect yourself and your finances, before signing anything. Get a lawyer.

I do hope you will be able to put all this behind you, and that you’ll find peace and happiness again soon.

All the best 💐

Esspee Thu 12-Aug-21 09:17:55

I have thought of you often Bettinalove and am so relieved you have come back to tell us how things are for you. Please remember you have lots of friends on Gransnet and that you can speak to us at anytime. 💐

sodapop Thu 12-Aug-21 08:45:40

So sorry to hear things have not improved at all Bettinalove I agree with everything eazybee has said in her last post. Also your husband can't assume the house will be his, this is simply not the case.

eazybee Thu 12-Aug-21 08:24:31

Thank you for returning, and great sympathy for this dire situation you have been thrust into.
Are you, and your husband, receiving any professional support from medical, social and police liaison services?
It is concerning that you are left to cope with your husband, still watching the neighbour and living in some sort of fantasy world where he thinks he can divorce you at will . You must seek legal advice and clarify your situation; no need to take action but be ready with your response should he initiate proceedings, although unlikely as he is clearly not of sound mind at present.
Has your doctor seen you yet? You are living under intolerable strain and you are entitled to support; please insist on it now.

Spice101 Thu 12-Aug-21 05:47:06

Bettinalove flowers for you

Nannagarra Wed 11-Aug-21 23:48:23

Sorry to hear your latest news. I cannot add more than the previous posters but hope you too are receiving help with legal matters. Please look after your health and mental well-being and come on here for support. x

Hithere Wed 11-Aug-21 23:44:08

So sorry it is going this way.

1. You must inform your neighbour that he is back
2. Contact a lawyer immediately
3. Protect yourself. Despite his weakness and lack of mobility, he could still hurt you, physically and mentally

Do not be alone with him, ever.

CafeAuLait Wed 11-Aug-21 23:34:09

Bettinialove, I have nothing useful to offer but I do hope that you will stand up for everything you are entitled to if it does come to divorce. Why should he be entitled to the house? Half of that is yours and you need to make sure that you get half the value of it. You need that money to help support yourself. Please seek legal advice if you haven't already. As hard as it is when you are hurting so much, you need to protect yourself.

mokryna Wed 11-Aug-21 23:31:12

It is nice of you to come back*Bettinalove*. It is good your family is helping you, however you must also look after yourself. May I suggest that, if you can go for short walks (at your own speed), they will help to reduce your stress level and increase your self-esteem. Either leave the house on foot or take the car somewhere, (if you can drive) and enjoy one in the morning and another in the afternoon, they will help you change your thoughts. Take care.

V3ra Wed 11-Aug-21 23:23:10

What a horrible situation to be in Bettinalove.
I'm so glad you have the support of your daughter and younger son, though they must be devastated as well.
Is your husband "getting the divorce sorted" by himself or is he using a solicitor? I do hope you've had some proper legal advice yourself.
Very best wishes x

Callistemon Wed 11-Aug-21 22:49:04

I'm sorry to hear this, Bettinalove.

I do hope you will stand up for your rights and what you are entitled to after 40 years of marriage, with the help of your other son.
DH seems convinced he will be keeping the house
In which case he must buy you out to enable you to find somewhere suitable for yourself.

Good luck.

gt66 Wed 11-Aug-21 22:40:34

Oh Bettinalove I'm so sorry the situation with your DH hasn't improved and totally understand you not being prepared to do anything for him....he really does not deserve it...he has treated you appallingly!

I also understand your disbelief that your 40 year marriage has come to this, as several years ago my DH went through a midlife crisis, which very nearly ended our marriage. Some things are similar, but not to the extreme lengths you are experiencing.

I really wish you all the best for the difficult times ahead and please keep in touch on here whenever you need support.