Problem with son

OP

This could be a problem if this is how you behave with your son

Thank you Smileless2012 for your considered comments - I know several friends who help their adult children, even if a couple, with various DIY projects, so find it puzzling that it’s described as over parenting.

I agree with mokryna and we will leave it to him to contact us or not. My OH is usually bit soft but he needs to put his boundary in place.

For goodness sake Hithere are you always so quick to pin the blame on the parents that you are unable to recognise unreasonable behaviour in an AC when it's there for all to see?

I hope your OH is able to "put his boundary in place" for your son's benefit as much as his own Florencerosie

Blimey! Calm down everyone. Life’s too short.

If OH asks him to pick up something for the decorating on his way home he will often pick up the wrong thing because he can’t be bothered

Why do you assume he can’t be bothered? He clearly can be bothered if he is going to the effort of picking up, albeit the wrong, item. Perhaps he just made a mistake? We all do it.

OH was painting some doors yesterday after preparing them and when he left at 6pm said he will be back today to hopefully finish off before his kitchen is fitted in a weeks time. This morning my OH got a text message saying “don’t come over till 1pm” OH replied no, I’m want to start earlier to finish. Son replied someone is here, so OH replied Ok, have to leave it then. Another message came, ok come over at 11am.

Why couldn’t your OH have compromised with your son and went round at say, 12pm, given that your son, I’m assuming, had his girlfriend stay over? His starting time would only have been delayed by an hour, and the doors would have been finished for the kitchen being fitted, rather than your son being forced to agree to the 11am start time by threat of the work not being completed in time.

I think you both need to leave your son to get on with the decorating by himself and at his own pace. He is 45 and can manage this on his own. Him having depression does not make him incapable.

GG65 you’ve come to this late. Goodbye

Florencerosie

GG65 you’ve come to this late. Goodbye

?

You said you and your OH are feeling “quite annoyed” with your son.

Judging by your responses on here, I can only imagine how much of an understatement that is!

Carry on and imagine GG65. You sound like you know about depression and you may well do. However saying depression does not make him incapable is not accurate in my son’s case.

On the contrary you sound very angry - not sure why?

Is this 45 year-old your only child, or does he have siblings?

Florencerosie

Carry on and imagine GG65. You sound like you know about depression and you may well do. However saying depression does not make him incapable is not accurate in my son’s case.

On the contrary you sound very angry - not sure why?

I sound very angry?

I think you’ve got the wrong poster. I found your last response quite funny, actually. I rarely get angry, certainly not over a stranger on the internet.

I don’t know your son, but if he is holding down a job and managed to buy a house, he’s more capable than you think.

Another vote for over parenting.

I think space is the best idea.

I expect your husband will have calmed down by tomorrow and be willing to help again. Depression, as you must know, is a condition that makes you quite selfish. Your son probably does not appreciate what you do for him especially if he has a new “friend”.

I hope it is much calmer for you tomorrow.

Did your son ask you to help directly? Or was it more of a "let us help you" and he said OK because he didn't want to upset you? Based on your responses here I wouldn't say it isn't a stretch. You seem very outspoken when people don't agree with you. Not that it matters much at this point but it may be important in the large picture for you going forward.

The immediate problem seems that you and your husband are irritated that he is not working on your schedule and not appreciative of your time. This is a simple solution. Stop helping.

Doing things for people we love is an act of gift giving. Giving gifts and helping those we love should bring us joy. It is apparent that helping your son isn't giving you and your husband joy. So why are you doing it?

Your son and his house will be fine without painted doors or a tidy garden for a bit. Take a break. Let him experience life truly on his own. He will either figure things out on his own or be back asking for help.

well he is able to work.
which is good.
so maybe he can arrange and pay for gardening, ditto decorating. or pay you and husband.
put it on a business footing. even if "mates' rates".
you are giving son money and doing unpaid work for him ?
now you are annoyed at him. time to ease off. keep to own houses.
husband ought to knock and wait for response before entering.

I’ve come to this late too, sorry. However I think you’re missing the point. Your DS lives on his own and is depressed but he has a new house and a job. Good for him, he’s moving forwards. And now he has someone over. Isn’t that a good thing? I think you and OH should be extremely pleased and give them a wide berth, painting can wait surely? Sorry but it seems to me that snappiness runs in the family. Give your son a break.

Yes we help out AC with DIY etc when asked, but we wouldn’t let ourselves into their house with our keys if we know they are at home - we’d ring the bell. I know I used to hate it if my MiL used her key to come to our house when we were at home.

If there is a girlfriend (or boyfriend) on the scene he will want privacy, so you are going to need to be sensitive to that, it’s not a big deal just check with him what’s happening day to day.

TBF the OP's OH said he would leave the doors as Florencerosie's son asked him not to go until 1.00pm. Her son then sent a text saying it was OK to go round at 11.00am, so he did.

Having told his mum's OH that time was OK, it was IMO wrong of him to then ask him to go back at 1.00pm when he already knew that wasn't what he wanted to do.

We all feel differently about who has keys to our homes and when they're used, but as the OP hasn't given any indication that her OH letting himself in was or is an issue, so I don't see the relevance.

IMO it's the OP's son who isn't prepared to work to her OH's schedule and isn't appreciative of the time and effort that's being given.

You obviously don't like replies. I wonder if that is part of it too. Yes there may have been a text saying come at 11 but the guest may not have been ready to go then - not going to spell it out and sounds like your son was pushed into the reply to come at 11. My DH would have just left it. Maybe it is a sign to leave things to your son.

Pppppplpppl

What happened there?

Thank you Smileless, you and a few others seem to understand what I was saying.

Some others seem to be going off at a tangent about AC doing things themselves, don’t help them, how sad. For the record our son asked for our help. He works from home, so said let yourselves in, cos I won’t hear you in the back office. When he’s not working we always ring him first.

I thought this was a nice site but a few individuals seem to like the online trolling for the sake of it.

Oh GN is a nice site Florencerosie, don't be put off. I'm glad that you're finding some of the responses you've had helpful.

Unfortunately, assumptions are made for example about your OH using a key to enter your son's home, a mutually agreed arrangement. I agree that it's sad when parents are asked by an AC for their help, and are then accused of "over parenting".

I don't agree that the OP's son was pushed into anything Elaine. He could have accepted that a later time wasn't convenient to the OP's OH and that he wouldn't be going at all that day.

It was her son who agreed to 11.00 am and then changed his mind once he arrived.

He was busy, and you came, although he just asked to come later. I think it's worth giving him some personal time.

If your son worked shifts it might explain why he didn't want his dad there earlier in the day but you would both already know this anyway. Son is being rude and ungrateful, give him a wide berth for a few weeks and let him get on with it.