Advice please

Your ex is a nasty bully.
That seems to be basically it - so there's no point trying to look for logic in his attitude.
Your 2 DC who think he's marvelous should be given a talking to and made to realise that your eldest DD has been picked on for no reason, just as you were.

Did you ever find out exactly what he said to your eldest all those years ago ? I would have thought she would have confided in you because it must have been pretty full on and nasty. I don’t think there is much you can do. He obviously is a nasty piece of work and he must show only his ‘nice’ side to the others. Bullies are like that.

why did you leave her alone with him after the concert.
presumably she upbraided him for being late and he got the hump.
what you have written sounds muddled.
you say he was not invited to eldest's wedding, then wonder why he treats her differently.
and what's the point of trying to turn the youngest against him.
there is no easy answer. sorry for what you went through with him, and for your eldest's sadness.
i think you just have to try to be civil to everyone.
try to take the emotion out of it. look to the future, and the next generation.
good luck.

I find it very strange that she came to you in tears at age 16 and although she obviously has a very close relationship wth you, you have no idea what caused the upset? An upset that was so big it has impinged on her whole life but you have no idea what it’s all about That I can’t understand
The thing is you can’t change others behaviour you can only change how you react to it
Your husband is obviously a popular man with everyone except you and your eldest (I understand that I had one like that too) and that’s because you and your eldest have seen the other side
It’s dreadful to watch one child treated differently but your daughter has you, a good husband, a good job and a baby on the way it’s sad she is not close to her siblings but she has a new life to concentrate on so she is rich
I would think her hardest time was at home with siblings treated differently not now ……she has escaped …..relax

Farnorth I firmly disagree with your advice of talking to the other two children that will do nothing but make the divide worse
She has left the old divided life let it go If she and the siblings were all still at home it would be different … but that ship has sailed

I would bet your ex said something horrible about you and eldest daughter took your side, it only takes one word, or something taken the wrong way to cause a lifelong rift.
Don’t stress yourself about it, you have a good relationship with all the children now they are adults.

This is very common you are not alone with this sort of rift.

Did your oldest daughter tell you what he told her then? maybe it would help to understand what is happening all this time

So many years have passed. Let go. Let him live as he wants. You can't forcefully change your mind about him

Katie59

I would bet your ex said something horrible about you and eldest daughter took your side, it only takes one word, or something taken the wrong way to cause a lifelong rift.
Don’t stress yourself about it, you have a good relationship with all the children now they are adults.

This is very common you are not alone with this sort of rift.

I think Katie59 and BlueBelle sum it up well.

The best thing you can do is find a way to put him and this conversation out of your mind.

Your daughter is blessed to have him out of her life.
Anyone who can treat someone, let a lone a family member in this way doesnt deserve your heartache.

BTW I think you have done a great job with all of your children, given the challenging circumstances you have all lived through. Well Done.

Seems pretty obvious to me that your ex is using the younger children to continue to punish your older child. I would insist that they keep quiet about the lavish gifts etc. She's made a success of her life despite her father so I would think by now it's time to leave it be. He's not going to change after all this time and she had moved on. Maybe you can too? The fact that you are still upset all these years later would indicate that his actions are hitting the mark. I don't think that it would be productive to drag things out again.

My ex-husband’s next wife told him that our youngest son wasn’t his because ‘the crystal told her so’.

For 20 years he has treated youngest son as if he is not his child. Youngest son is now the spitting image of his father at that age. All the siblings know it was a malicious attempt by his wife to hurt me, and look down on their father for believing it. His loss!

BlueBelle I said that because the relationship between all the siblings is still being affected by this man.
The two who blame their sister should realise that there is more to it than the lovely person they think their father is.
They can continue to have their relationship with him, and should stop being unpleasant to their sister.

All my opinion, obviously, and OP will need to judge if it would help in her own situation.

farnorth sorry but I still don’t see the value in talking to the siblings it may make them do whatever they re doing all the more it’s certainly affecting the poster but we don’t know about it still affecting the eldest daughter it did when she was young but we don’t know if it still does
She has moved on got a nice husband a baby on the way and a good job we don’t even know how much contact she has with her siblings now
They are not children any more it certainly could have been done to sit them all down when the eldest girl was 16/17/18 and they were all still at home but I cannot see how 10/15 years later it will do anything to improve the situation but open up old wounds, old hurts and remind the eldest what’s she’s been through and what’s she been missing
Let her continue her new life without winding it all up again

Thankyou for your kind words it just breaks my heart to see her go without I have always tried to get her a little bit extra so she didn't miss out all the time she is very level headed but she has suffered through not having her dad around

I can't understand why you still don't know what was said to cause the upset in the first place. Would this explain everything?

If you knew, you could at least start to address it and your other children would understand why this situation has continued all of these years.