Feel resentment towards elderly mother

Definitely move to every other day. This is my problem too I have to ring everyday and I dread it ! It’s never good news, usually means I have to go over to sort something out, or make an appointment for for Drs, opticians dentist etc. At least your mum is in a home and cared for, mine is depressed and lonely. Take care of yourself.

Thank you all for helping me to see that I am not being unreasonable in feeling this way. I am going to try and limit contact a bit. For example she expects a phone call every morning, just to check in, which is generally her telling me everything that is wrong with her health and me just listening. On the one hand it is not a big deal but I find it gets my day off to a miserable start. I will see what happens if I try and move to every other day....!

It was a "joint" decision with my brothers, but I felt a lot of pressure to agree, not fully realizing what it would mean to our lives.... Now with Covid meaning they can't travel, it is all on me. In the past, and since my father died, whenever there was an issue with her, I would jump on a plane and travel to London to take over, so it's a very different situation today

Edit button/ proof reading needed. Ignore ‘of it’ please.

I’ve been there, so has my SiL and two very close friends. We all resented our loss of freedom, the expectation that we’d fill the role of the missing parent and excessive demands.
In no way are you “horrible” or a “bitch”. You’re merely stressed by a negative, self-indulgent parent. All replies to you have rightly shown understanding.
There’s absolutely no reason why your mother can’t be more independent of you in this lovely home. Limit the time you spend with her as your brothers suggest. Only see her when and as often as it suits you - not her. Don’t be too ready to answer the phone to her when you want to do something else. She has an active social life and is well cared for; relax in the knowledge of this.
Counselling wasn’t available when I was in your shoes. I remember many Sunday evenings writing to an agony aunt and then tearing up what I’d written as it made me feel better.
With hindsight I might have been better able to cope. At the time I thought it would last for 20 years of it but in fact it was less than three. My friend thought it would be short-lived but found it to be 15 years. Set out your stall now so you can cope is my advice.

Can I suggest that you ring the home once or twice a week to check that all is ok.
Speak to your Mother once a week and visit her once a fortnight.
Any family gatherings invite her just once a month.

She is having a great time, make the most of what freedom you have whilst you are still able to.
And don’t feel any guilt.

Very difficult situation. Just wondering, hoe was the decision made for her to move abroad to be near you? Was it all her own decision without your say so and input?

I’m in the same position, only my mum lives independently and I’m an only one. It’s a very difficult thing to say how you feel about your mum, but please don’t feel guilty there’s a lot of us in the same position.
You have all my sympathy. If you do try counseling please come back and let us know if it helps, I’ve often thought about it for myself. I sometimes think the problem is with me not her. I just can’t cope with it which isn’t her fault.

I have a similar mother. There is no doubt that this type of mother is controlling and always has been. They really only see you as a way of making sure their needs are met. When I went to Somerset for a week a few weeks ago, I phoned my mother thinking she would like a call from me. She would barely speak to me, said she didn’t know what she’d been given for dinner the previous evening (when I asked) because she’d hardly eaten any of it. She said she was too ill to talk. I spoke to the carer on her floor at the care home who said mother was not ill and had eaten all her meals. The carer said they often refuse to speak to relatives if the relatives have the absolute audacity to go away on holiday!

So, your mum is in a residential home with a great social life and is happy. It seems to me that your mum is playing you and manipulating you into giving her more and more of your time.
Compromise with inviting her to one family event per month, this will enable her to see her great grandchildren and you of course but still give you the time to yourself that you deserve.
It seems to me that her negativity towards you is rooted in control.

Try to think that this behaviour is only going to get worse, so think of coping strategies now. I understand, I felt I was living my DP’s life not mine, and you actually have to get tough with yourself and prioritise yourself and your family. I would definitely say ‘I’ll come round every week on a Tuesday (for example) but not in between’. You say she has a good social life so try to see her a day when she’s free and let her arrange the rest of the week herself. She may not like it at first but it’s surprising how quickly she’ll get used to that. Also, if she’s in a retirement home, surely they have DIY contacts or handymen? Give your DH a breather too. Maybe she could visit family for a holiday- airlines will accompany her through the airport. Make sure you take holidays away from her too. It is a fact that she will appreciate you more if you’re not always at her beck and call.

Team not unreasonable

Your mother was self centered now and still in the present, hasn't changed

Reclaim your life, establish boundaries with her.
Decide how many hours a week/month you would like to invest on her and stick to it

By the way ..... you are not a bitch!!!!

I understand what you are feeling. I have spent the last 6 years looking after my parents and another elderly relative, although they were not demanding in any way, they had moved about 150 miles away which was fine initially but later when they needed help (which they didn’t expect me to take on) it was very difficult. It all fell on me, I have a sibling who was happy to sit back and let me shoulder the responsibility of making sure our parents were fine. Every excuse not to help was thrown at me. I am glad I was able to do it as sadly they are no longer with us. I know I couldn’t have done more for them and without me they would have really struggled. I have peace of mind that I looked after them. It was very difficult for me as my DH is disabled, but I loved them very much and although I now have my life back I wouldn’t change a thing. It is hard but do what is in your heart.

While she was still in London she was much much less demanding of my brothers, and they keep telling me not to give her so much attention but that is easier said than done.

This is the main point.
Your mother expects more from you than from your brothers, and you feel obliged to give in to her.
All you can change is your willingness to give in.
I hope that counselling can help you with that.

Hi Philippa you say in your OP that your mum is in a nice retirement home where she is happy and has a good social life.

You need to keep this uppermost in your mind together with your brothers saying that you don't need to give her so much of your attention.

You work, have 3 GC and a busy life. Your mum is a part of your life, not your whole life and this is what you need to be able to see, without feeling that you are on some level letting her down.

You need to start making your self and your lovely husband less available. She's unlikely to change and will no doubt have plenty to say about this but for your own sake, you need to start taking the emotional control away from your mum and having control over your own life.

Good luck.

I do understand your situation and sympathise. If she were someone with whom you had a close and warm relationship then it might feel very different.

It is hard when a precedent has been set that she will be included in everything that you are doing - it is hard to break once established.

I also get this situation from the other side. I was widowed last year and 2 of my DDs live within 20 minutes of me. I always worry that they will feel they have to include me in things all the time - clearly this is not right for them or their families, but they are good kind women and feel concerned for my welfare.

Yesterday I had a major weepy day - it happens occasionally - how I wish it wouldn't. They mopped me up and I went to DD2 for tea with her and the children. Feeling better today thankfully. DD2 has messaged to ask me over for tea again today - and I would love to, but do not want to set a pattern where she feels she has to keep asking me. I* will go, as I have made a good old stodgy pudding for them that her children will love.

Ditto holidays - I have been away with them once or twice, but was clear it was not a precedent and that I fully understand that holidays as a nuclear family are precious to them.

MissElly I did just look up narcisstic mothers and there are definitely several elements which are exactly her!
These in particular:
She constantly makes the conversation to be about her
Brags about your achievements to others, but rarely validates or acknowledges you personally
Blames others for any problems you may have that stem from her behavior
Is well-liked and important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking
Harshly opinionated at home but puts up a front for people she dislikes

Thank you all, I really appreciate the advice, and especially the understanding. My Mum has always been incredibly selfish and was awful to her own mother, resenting her imposing on her life, and now here she is doing exactly the same to me.
Luckily my husband is pretty good with her and runs around whenever she needs something fixed etc. but he rarely gets a thank you, neither do I.
It's only about HER needs - drives me mad because I look back and wonder why she thinks she deserves everything we do for her!
But I truly want to be a good person towards her, and cannot bring myself to be too cold..
It's a tough balancing act.
Thank you all so much!

I've PMd you. I know all about this and I have suffered high BP because of trying to care for an elderly parent and my hair fell out with the stress. Eventually I decided enough is enough and Mum is now with my sibling. I've started looking after myself. Best decision I ever made. Take care of yourself.

Nanna58

You are definitely not horrible Philippa60, you must look after your own health and life. My 95 year old Mother has dementia and many health issues and dealing with this has brought my sister and myself to the brink of burnout and it’s only getting worse. I have no advice really for caring for an elderly parent , but I do have endless sympathy for anyone who is. ?

Goodness yes! Keeping people alive for so much longer isn’t so wonderful for families having to cope with the crotchety, the creaking doors and the ‘just been plain horrible all their lives’.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago so many demands on my time, and not only did I feel so guilty I was not doing enough, but the carers made me feel like it too! No, you don't sound horrible. I was so stressed out by the situation I spoke to a social worker who gave me some good advice i.e. visit as and when you can, on your own terms, not always on the same day so she doesn't expect it, and invite her to family events when it suits you. We cannot turn the clock back and give them their lives as before, it is not our fault. She is in a good retirement home with a good social life so I would advise you to try and back off and make time and space for yourself. It's not being selfish, it's self preservation.

You are definitely not horrible Philippa60, you must look after your own health and life. My 95 year old Mother has dementia and many health issues and dealing with this has brought my sister and myself to the brink of burnout and it’s only getting worse. I have no advice really for caring for an elderly parent , but I do have endless sympathy for anyone who is. ?

I have been in a similar position being the nearest to my mum even when she went into a care home. My eldest sisters live abroad and others were too busy I felt everything was on my shoulders.

My mum had dementia so it was different moods each time I saw her. It was heartbreaking she had a hard life and eight children. She was a caring mum and did not deserve what happened to her.

It’s a very stressful time dealing with ageing parents and having a family getting the balance right is difficult. If you don’t have a very good relationship obviously that won’t help. I think you need to give your mum a wider berth it would be better for you. She is in a care home being looked after so you don’t really need to be at her beck and call.

You can separate your family life from your mums. As she is in a care home she does not need to know everything that is going on. You could structure you time better too don’t commit all your time to visit her. You need days away from visits and give others the opportunity to visit her. She can spend that time socially with other occupants at the home.

When I had days off from mum I felt when she did see me I was appreciated more. Whether your mum will appreciate you more I do not know. I do hope you make a change about visiting. You have good advice on this forum but I will say you do not need a counsellor you need space.

So very sorry, I do hope you can build some 'me time' into your life.

My friend was really good to her Mum, and juggled a part time job and four children at the same time. When her Dad died her Mum became really demanding, even expecting my friend to do DIY jobs, which her Dad knew how to do.

I realised her Mum was self absorbed when I bumped into her in a charity shop and she very loadly moaned my friend didn't have her round for Sunday lunch - she saw her six days a week. I just said she was very lucky to have such a lovely daughter. She followed my friend when she moved to another county and was still very demanding until her death, there was just no pleasing her.