Feel resentment towards elderly mother

Hi Philippa can feel your distress. I think many older people are like that. DH is like glass never had anything in it in the first place! I think the others and your brothers are right - your Mum is well cared for and has a good social life in her care home so there is no need to invite her to everything - just limit it. Don't be wound in by her complaints as it sounds like she is probably forgetting the good things. My Mum is like that a bit too - my brother is wonderful as he stripped and repainted her railings and does so much. He is up once a month from Northumberland to Scotland - now allowed. Meanwhile I see to everything else. I know she appreciates me but it is very grating! Your Mum is well looked after so give yourself a break. Your health is also important.

This brings back memories ! Not my Mum who I adored but my MIL.
May I ask what feedback you have had from the staff in her retirement home ?

Hi Phillipa, I’m not sure I can give you any advice but I just wanted to say that I understand as I also had a similar situation. My mother was a very narcissistic quite cruel woman but as I am an only girl and my brother lives in the US it fell to me to look after her and I did resent it as nothing was ever good enough, or indeed, enough. It is very difficult to have to keep being supportive and kind to someone who is so difficult but if that is your nature you will be glad you did when she is no longer here. I felt such relief when she died which was so sad but at least I feel that I did what I could and what I believe is right and treated her with compassion and kindness as are you. One thing I would say to you is, if she is happy in the home, let her be. Can you make a point of having a couple of days every week, maybe even the weekend which are yours and sacred. If she is anything like my mum was you’ll never do enough anyway so make some boundaries for yourself. It sounds like your brothers did this and she is probably taking advantage of your soft nature now. One of the best things I ever did was research narcissistic mothers online. I felt like I was reading my life story and I learned a lot of coping strategies and was able to see how I was being manipulated. I really do feel for you. It is all consuming while you’re in it but you are lucky at least in that she is not alone in a house relying on you. If you ever want a rant please feel free to pm me. I would have loved a rant every now and again when I was in your position and as a stranger you can say what you want to me!!!! I’m so sorry you have a mother like this. Take heart that you have managed to be a kind loving person in spite of her.

As others have said, just don’t tell her about some of the family get togethers. You are not obliged to invite her to everything.

Thanks Jaylucy. She is very well treated there. She is just a naturally negative person who ONLY sees what's wrong in any given situation. The half empty cup, that's her!

You can't help the way that you feel about your mother if some of the things that has happened in your past have affected you in any way.
We all seem to have this inbuilt fear that we are wrong if we don't even like close family members, especially parents and feel guilty because we are supposed to love them and even like them even if they have been the parents from hell!
As she seems happy in her home, she is being well looked after , there is no reason why you can't spend more time with the rest of your family.
Maybe visit mum on a regular basis, and when she starts rolling out her lists of moans, grit your teeth and change the subject . If she continues to moan, cut your visit short.
The only time is if she complains about the way the staff are or the way that she feels she is being treated in the home. Then you could raise the concerns with the person in charge, who will hopefully have a sensible explanation.
Why not see a counselor? Talking things over with someone totally unconnected may well be a big help to you.

I think a bit part of the issue is that my Mum was never a warm, giving person towards us as kids, and so I don't have that memory of her that makes me want to "give back" now (on the contrary actually) but then I feel guilty all the time.
I am a very very different mother and grandmother than she was / is!

Thank you, Sardinia2020, I really appreciate your comments!

Thank you, maddyone. Just knowing you understand really helps!

You don’t sound horrible at all and I completely understand how you feel being in a similar situation myself with my father. I suppose it’s a bit different because he was ok when he was younger but now just moans and complains all the time. You have to try to get the balance right- give your mother some of your time but leave time for yourself and for doing the things you want to do and have to do. You absolutely don’t have to include her in family things. I know it probably sounds horrible but just don’t tell her about them. Don’t let yourself be a martyr which we women are good at doing. We’re also good at feeling guilty that we’re not doing enough. Know that you’re doing more than enough and keeping yourself sane and being happy is the most important thing.

Hi Phillipa, I will send you a PM later in the day when I’ve got more time. I absolutely understand your point of view because I have a similar situation ongoing in my life. I didn’t want to just scroll by, but I haven’t time to give you a proper reply just now. Having said all that, I’m not sure that there are any easy answers to this situation. We’ll speak later. Keep your chin up.