Feel resentment towards elderly mother

And, yet again, my brother did virtually nothing - it seemed that he wasn't expected to.

I was never close to my mother (another selfish woman with a difficult personality) but, thankfully, I wasn't her favourite either.

I did my duty with weekly visits, watching out for her welfare and making arrangements - to help out my sister. It's very difficult when someone makes it so clear that they don't like you.

I often thought that I could do the same, or better, for any random old lady - and I would have preferred that. Of course, I felt relieved when she died. She wasn't enjoying her life, and yes I resented even the little I did.

So true, Wisner!
The ironic thing is that my mother complained endlessly about her own mother and her demands, but doesn't see that she is the same (or worse) towards me!

Made me think, all this “female duty” that’s constantly shoved at us, isn’t it misery-making? What would happen if we just did what we liked (like men mostly do in fact)? The world would still turn.

eazybee has it.

You'll be her wee slavey before you know it. If you aren’t already.

You “have” to speak to her every day against your will? Even though she’s perfectly fine and is living the holiday lifestyle. But needs to keep you at her beck and call too?!

I think a counsellor would be very useful for you on this. He/she could help you enforce your boundaries and deal with any resistance and fallout and unpleasantness that may come your way as a result of your new boundaries. Also help you see what makes you happy in this scenario. It’s harder to do it completely by yourself if you have a selfish parent intent on pursuing their own interests.

For myself I spoke to my mother about every 5 days on the phone and that became an increasingly miserable chore. As she was occasionally abusive as well at times and gave me the Silent Treatment we are no longer in contact, there is a relief of sorts. You might just have to lower contact though to make things better.

A counsellor could really help you stand up for yourself and change the dynamics.

Your mother is clever, isn't she? To move to another country when elderly is quite an undertaking, and I would say your mother has a will of iron and is as tough as old boots.

Based on what you write it sounds as though she was not getting the attention she demanded from your brothers, who seized the opportunity to offload the responsibility on to you, because that is what sisters are for, isn't it?
You need to remind yourself frequently that your mother does not need your attention, although she may want it. She is safe, cared for and with plenty to occupy her; you do not have to worry about her eating habits, being ill, being vulnerable, being lonely.

She however, is determined to have you at her beck and call and she won't give up, so you have to be strong and set strict limits on how much time you give her. You have to resist her guilt manipulation by focusing on your family and job, and it will not be easy; I saw my domineering paternal grandmother ruin my parents' marriage, a friend's mother who died aged 104 thwarting her daughter's plans to start a new life following retirement, and a colleague who had to give up her job because her mother pestered her at work all day, everyday. All women whose only concern was themselves.

Start by refusing the daily phone calls, too busy with work.
I have no doubt after knowingly spoilt your day with her negativity your mother goes on her way, refreshed.

I know how hard it must be for you Phillips and you need to allocate time for yourself. Your mother is old and probably just has you, your grandchildren are her great grandchildren as yours will be one day. When you’re old and two of your children are far away and have in a way opted out of sharing her care, her world has become smaller and she relies on you and still wants to be part of your world.
It is very hard getting older and feeling alone, she has always been selfish and self absorbed and I do think traits become more as you get older. You need to decide what time you are prepared to give to your mother, perhaps quick ring her most days or send a message her, share family gatherings that you want her at, have others where she’s not. This negativity, can’t you call it out a little, once she starts moaning say try cutting the visit shorter or say to her why have you always to think of the negatives and not the positives it’s getting you down, she probably doesn’t realise how bad she is because it’s become her normal. Only you can decide what us acceptable to you and reclaim your life back.

Poor old things!

I used to have friend of many years until she died, This friend complained a lot, most of them actually, and used me to complain to. I did love her as she was also understanding and had a sense of humour and fun.

The thing is, when you become very old, old friends and companions tend to have died or become demented. Younger relatives tend to find us boring or 'difficult' for good reason.

Younger relatives' feelings of guilt help nobody. It is not your fault the aged woman is who she is.

Shropshirelass

I understand what you are feeling. I have spent the last 6 years looking after my parents and another elderly relative, although they were not demanding in any way, they had moved about 150 miles away which was fine initially but later when they needed help (which they didn’t expect me to take on) it was very difficult. It all fell on me, I have a sibling who was happy to sit back and let me shoulder the responsibility of making sure our parents were fine. Every excuse not to help was thrown at me. I am glad I was able to do it as sadly they are no longer with us. I know I couldn’t have done more for them and without me they would have really struggled. I have peace of mind that I looked after them. It was very difficult for me as my DH is disabled, but I loved them very much and although I now have my life back I wouldn’t change a thing. It is hard but do what is in your heart.

I am a retired occupational therapist and part of my job was helping families plan and agree what support they could give their elderly relis long term. My advice always started with "Keep time for yourself" "be realistic in what you offer" and "Don't feel guilty for not doing more"
This acually is down to you to find ways to manage your feelings which I know is not always easy.

I would say DON"T let your heart or your feelings of guilt rule your head....its a sure way to ending resenting the situation even for the most loving child.

EBear, absolutely it really has, so sorry for what you are going through as well.
Phillipa

Good morning

We are in a very similar situation my DM is narcissistic and it has taken me many long years to realise it. She is now in a care home with dementia and I feel so angry that I never addressed her behaviour towards me ( I am an only child) and now I never will be able to. Before the care home and before the dementia took hold she made my life unbearable, if it wasn’t for the support and advice from my AC and DH I would have cracked long ago. I was expected to do or organise everything as though it was her right to expect it but I did withdraw at times and the advice not to tell her what is going on is good, that way you’re not lying just not telling her so she’ll never know. Now I have guilt that she is in a home and strangely it feels like I’ve abandoned her even though she treated me so badly and cruelly as a child. I have tried counselling remotely and it has helped but I don’t think I can move on fully while she is still here. All the advice on this thread has been helpful for me and I hope for you too.

Hi, yes, it's a retirement home, where she has an independent unit and apart from lunch provided in the dining room, she takes care of herself and enjoys lots of activities.
If and when the time comes, there is a care unit, but she is not there yet.
It's almost like being in a hotel!
And yet she still makes me feel imposed on especially with things like shopping and doctors' appointments and her expectation to be included in everything.
Thanks for all the support here!
P

I feel a bit sad reading this thread. I phoned my mother every day, and after she died I talked to my father every day. I enjoyed our talks. I was lucky in that my father cared for my mother until she died, and never needed much help from me. He had a home help, cleaners and so on, cooked for himself for a long time and then had WiltShire Farm Foods. He died aged 94.

Well done Phillipa. It is a start.

It reminded me of when DM used to try to make me feel guilty by telling me how often other people's DDs phoned.

This was when she lived alone though. Your DM is in a Retirement home but I guess not the same as a care home but at least you don't have to check she''s not had a fall or is quite ill or do you?
DM used to complain about her Carers who sometimes missed her out entirely on their twice daily rounds so my DSis and I would have to phone the agency. At that stage my DSis was living a couple of miles from Mum so would drop everything and rush round.

I don't think it's ever easy to find the right balance. Good luck to you.

Oops wrong thread

Would warrant sorry

Is there some health and safety reason your mother uses you as her on call person? If she uses this facility too often or too much you need to tell her so. Certainly the old lady needs to be monitored, and I assume the care home does this for her.

I am 90 this month and I can phone them but I am extremely careful not to intrude by long chats and complaints. I never expect to be included in their family get-togethers even although they live nearby.

I suggest you learn how to cheerfully say "No" and say what you are prepared to do. If you initiate the phone calls or the visits you have the social right to politely and cheerfully terminate them. No doubt you will fell guilty when the old lady dies, however dead relatives often have this effect.

The one practical thing that you can do that will make you feel better , and possibly satisfy the old lady, is telephone her regularly once a day at a fixed time . You could tell her you want to do this and you name the duration of the call. If she objects, tell her you have a lot of demands on your time but you will be there for her if she really needs you.

OP

I would also give your mother your definition of emergency.

Emergency for her could be "it is raining and cannot go on my walk"

I’ve made the decision to only go every other day to visit my mum in her care home. She is there currently curtesy of the NHS following her third fall in six months, this time she sustained a broken shoulder. At the moment she cannot weight bear on her legs or arm and until she can, the NHS will pay. After that, she’ll have to pay herself or go back to her sheltered apartment.

So she chose to move to another country to be near you when she could have moved closer to one of your brothers. I wonder why is it that she couldn't manipulate them? Your are not selfish or being a bitch but only give her as much time as suits you. She chose to move you already have a life don't let her play you anymore.

I don’t have this problem, because we were all estranged long before my mum and MIL died, but I wouldn’t have wanted to do it either. You reap what you sew, comes to mind. Your mother now has to understand that.

That doesn’t mean never seeing her, but it should be at your convenience. Definitely if she obviously hasn’t seen the error of her ways, and is behaving the same.

Could you arrange to visit, say for one hour, once a week? Then stick to it. You are definitely not a bitch. You are the product of your upbringing. No fault of yours.

Enjoy being with the people you love, and who love you back. Don’t waste time on anyone else. No matter who they are. ?

I do hate to see selfish elderly people taking over their children's lives. I have seen someone almost fall apart with the demands of her very elderly mum.
As long as they are cared for children should only do what they comfortably can and not be at their beck and call.

So I followed the advice here and didn't call her this morning (I usually call around 9) and then at 11 she called me "just to check in". I guess I could have ignored the call but I didn't.
I did say to her "Mum, if I can't call or answer the phone, just send me a text if it's anything urgent".
I hope she understood. I really need to space out the calls a bit more.
When my Dad was alive and she was doing fine, she rarely called, but now she feels this need to speak EVERY DAY which I find so hard.
I've also told my brothers to please take on more of the daily phone contact (which they can do as easily as me!).
And we are going to my DD and SiL for lunch soon without her!! I didn't even tell Mum about it.
I am following advice from you all and really appreciate it so much.
Thank you
Phillipa60 (now 63!)
Let's see if it helps.

Philippa60 there's no reason for you to phone your mum every morning to check on her if she's in a supportive living environment, that's the job of the carers and what her fees will be paying for. Totally different if she were living alone, but she's not. So you can start to phase that out with a clear conscience.

Speak to the carers about your feelings and thoughts and ask their advice on how to manage both your needs. They'll have seen it all before and will have some kind but realistic suggestions for you.
You might not have your brothers nearby but you're not alone in looking after your mother, so don't feel you have to be all things to her.

Just agreement from me. and the reminder that nothing lasts forever and soon your brothers will be able to travel and perhaps you will have a chance to unburden with them.
I've just spent a cathartic week with my DSis and BiL often talking about our difficult mum, who died 12 years ago but was narcissistic - we just called it selfish. We loved and admired her but she lived with me for 3 years and I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
My sister is writing our mother's life story!

Now I am recently widowed but I don't think and hope I could ever be like DM.