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Knee replacement and husbands reactions

(23 Posts)
ClareAB Fri 01-Oct-21 00:41:28

I had a total knee replacement 16 days ago in Lithuania. 2 days in hospital followed by 12 days in medical spa with daily physio, massage, nurses on call for pain shots, ice packs and, if in real trouble a sleeping pill.
It all, inc flight cost less than half a private op on England with no rehab.
I am 56, my husband is a fit 74yr old
I came home on Monday and have tried not to be a difficult patient, inspite of being a nurse who are notoriously awful patients .
I was horribly homesick and missed my husband, dogs bed and family.
My husband has been super grumpy. In the first 2 days all I asked for was 2 egg mayo sandwiches second day beans on toast with eggs.
He has moaned so much about everything, that I don't ask him for ice packs, I do the physio I learnt and can go up n downstairs and sort myself out to a great extent
Yesterday a dear friend came over and he was rude to her, doesn't remember it, but was horrified when I told him what he had said.
Yesterday I asked him to use compressor we have to blow up peanut shaped exercise ball. He walked the dogs, fitted a new battery to one of his cars and became cross with me in the evening when I asked him to locate compressor and blow up ball. Which he did.
Tonight a few of my nursing colleagues asked me out for a meal and I went and laughed like I haven't since Covid. I messaged him to pick me up at 9.30pm. Reception was bad on my phone so I used a friend. He stormed into restaurant and roundly told me off for not waiting for him on the pavement, in the rain and I was so embarrassed as he appeared to be a real sod.
I am seriously contemplating booking myself into a local B n B as his obvious resentment and suffering in providing food and me not being at my best is exhausting him and its making me feel guilty and cross. Am I being unreasonable?

GagaJo Fri 01-Oct-21 01:02:13

How long have you been married Clare? He sounds like one of those old men who marry in their old age in order to get a carer for themselves. NOT to help or care for anyone else.

Granmarderby10 Fri 01-Oct-21 01:33:39

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your husbands behaviour towards you is horrible and it sounds like he resents your being incapacitated. Was he like this before? Have you always done everything for him and this is his first experience of managing the day to day alone? The being rude to your friend and embarrassing you in the restaurant points also to insecurity -maybe he thinks they’ll all stay away then you’ll only have him to rely on; I strongly advise you not to let that happen. Why not do the B&B idea, or perhaps family or anywhere, just to give you some guilt free relaxation. Ridiculous that you feel you need to leave your own home. When you are much better, if I were you I would want to have serious talk about his attitude towards you and I would find it concerning that your husband didn’t remember being rude to your friend …really? It could be stress or the signs of something else. Maybe a chat with your GP. Has he lost his sense of humour for example?,
It’s not easy, however I think it requires investigation. I hope you’ve found my response supportive and I wish you a smooth recovery and chin up 💐

CocoPops Fri 01-Oct-21 05:42:32

You are not being unreasonable. You say your husband is a fit 74yr.old but being grumpy, rude and a real sod .
Rather than risk him storming in to a restaurant and embarressing you in front of friends again, next time you go out could take a taxi home or perhaps arrange for a friend to take you home.
If your husband finds making you a meal problematic you could order a meal eg Ubereats.
But oh my goodness, it seems as though you are on your own here. I'd be very tempted to swan off and convalesce somewhere where I could relax and recover in peace.
When you feel up to it you need a conversation with him. Maybe ask him what help he would expect from you if he needed post op care.
Hope you have a good recovery.

Kim19 Fri 01-Oct-21 05:46:02

Is this a change in character or was he always like this? Perhaps role reversal or anxiety. Either way, it is no reason for him to be rude or unkind. You b&b sounds a little extreme to me. Perhaps visit family or friends for short spells using a taxi?

Nonogran Fri 01-Oct-21 08:17:20

I know how hard & challenging it is to recover from a total knee replacement. I’ve had one & need the other done now.
If you have the cash to do so, book yourself into a decent small hotel (disabled room) & let the staff take care of you.
I’d hate to be in your shoes, post op. I’d feel so vulnerable.
Your man sounds awful, selfish & self centred. I’d be very worried about what the future holds for you.
Get well soon & back to full strength. It sounds like you are making good progress. Well done.

foxie48 Fri 01-Oct-21 08:45:47

If this is uncharacteristic behaviour I think you should talk to him to find out why he's become like this. Sometimes a quiet heart to heart is more productive than retaliation. There is an age difference and if you have been in pain and less mobile because of your knee he may be worrying that when you are fit and well again the balance of your relationship may change and you may want to do things that he doesn't. Who knows, but if you don't ask him, you won't find out. tbh He sounds pretty unhappy .

Grandmafrench Fri 01-Oct-21 08:57:59

Very well done, arranging and managing such a trip alone!
You deserve better. My guess would be that he’s afraid - you’ve possibly shaken his world. Absolutely no excuse for such uncaring and bad behaviour but it could be that he is more reliant on you than either of you has realised.

Seeing someone so capable, (still working?) energetic and almost 20 years younger, become vulnerable and somewhat reliant after surgery is probably a shock and makes him anxious and angry. Angry possibly that his nice, orderly world has just been turned upside down. Wouldn’t think that’s a very comfortable place for him to be and he’s trying to ignore all that’s going on rather than engaging with it and thinking solely about you.

Unless he is often like this and your relationship is not very solid, I’d concentrate just on yourself for now, or go away and have some real care - as has been suggested. Save the good, hard conversation with him about what you feel and what all this might be about until you’re well and strong again.

I wish you better days now - take it steady and give yourself the best chance of an uncomplicated recovery.

M0nica Fri 01-Oct-21 09:14:09

Some people cannot cope with the person they love and care about, and rely on emotionally, not being the strong one they have always assumed they are.

This happened in my family when an aunt who was the centre of the family and managed everything, developed cancer. Her DH, who doted on her, simply could not cope, For 40years she had been the rock the family was built on and he could not cope when the rock started crumbling and his children had to step in and look after her.

The OP's DH is probably frightened and afraid that the person he has unconsciously built his life round and just always seen as the stronger partner, is suddenly vulnerable, and like many people when they are afraid and scared, they get aggressive and difficult.

ElaineI Fri 01-Oct-21 09:25:46

It's a bit of a red flag for me if he doesn't remember it. Are there any other things that might be worrying? Perhaps there have been things before you had your op but masked by you being there and fitter and able to compensate. If you have family ask them if they have noticed anything and keep a note so you can discuss with his GP (hard these days!). In the meantime maybe get some help from family or friends as you need to recover.

Lucca Fri 01-Oct-21 10:08:07

*Rather than risk him storming in to a restaurant and embarressing you in front of friends again, next time you go out could take a taxi home or perhaps arrange for a friend to take you home.
If your husband finds making you a meal problematic you could order a meal eg Ubereats*

Good heavens, why indulge him ???

ClareAB Fri 01-Oct-21 10:27:47

Thank you for your support everyone. I have ordered a week's worth of meals for us from one of those companies, so hopefully taking the stress of cooking etc away.
This morning I am wondering if in fact he is depressed. One of his dearest mates died last year, and his very dearest friend from boyhood has dementia and is is rapidly advancing which is heart breaking. I know he was very tearful when I was away. In fact I changed my flight and came home four days early as I was worried about him.
I think I'm gonna try and persuade him to see doctor. He's always been prone to grumpy and a bit difficult. But this is on another level. My biggest fear is that he may be starting dementia. Doctor is the way forward I think.

Visgir1 Fri 01-Oct-21 10:36:04

Poor you after all that, but sounds like he might have early stages of Dementia?

Septimia Fri 01-Oct-21 11:39:21

Perhaps he's frightened that he's starting dementia, given that his friend has it. A visit to the doctor might put his mind at rest.

theworriedwell Fri 01-Oct-21 11:53:37

ClareAB

Thank you for your support everyone. I have ordered a week's worth of meals for us from one of those companies, so hopefully taking the stress of cooking etc away.
This morning I am wondering if in fact he is depressed. One of his dearest mates died last year, and his very dearest friend from boyhood has dementia and is is rapidly advancing which is heart breaking. I know he was very tearful when I was away. In fact I changed my flight and came home four days early as I was worried about him.
I think I'm gonna try and persuade him to see doctor. He's always been prone to grumpy and a bit difficult. But this is on another level. My biggest fear is that he may be starting dementia. Doctor is the way forward I think.

The not remembering what happened does raise worries about dementia. I hope it isn't but I think you are right about seeing a doctor.

Hope your recovery is going well.

Kali2 Fri 01-Oct-21 11:58:14

I am so sorry to hear, and take no pleasure in saying my OH was just amazing when I had my 2 KR - and came home after a couple of days with no rehab. Sound like he is facing his own troubles at the mo, as said above.

All I can send is sympathy- hopefull the knee pain and rehab will soon be behind you, before winter sets in- and you will find it easier to face the issues with OH.

Now sure if I dare ask this. Well I will ask and of course only reply if you feel you want to. But how much did it cost, all in?

Susysue Fri 01-Oct-21 17:18:17

Clare, I am so sorry to read this kind of horrible resentment from your husband after your op. He sounds very similar as to how my one was on the 3 occasions that I needed care over several years including following my operation for breast cancer, he walked out in a sulk when I mildly criticised the way he hung up the washing. I am sorry to say but you are married to a selfish, unreasonable grumpy old fart who doesn't really care, unless it is him needing your attention. For many other reasons, I got out of my marriage quite recently but I never forgot or forgave the hurt I felt when I needed help and he resented every second of it. Have you got any family or friends you could go stay with close by? You would at least get peace!! Take care x

ClareAB Fri 01-Oct-21 17:58:16

Kali2

I am so sorry to hear, and take no pleasure in saying my OH was just amazing when I had my 2 KR - and came home after a couple of days with no rehab. Sound like he is facing his own troubles at the mo, as said above.

All I can send is sympathy- hopefull the knee pain and rehab will soon be behind you, before winter sets in- and you will find it easier to face the issues with OH.

Now sure if I dare ask this. Well I will ask and of course only reply if you feel you want to. But how much did it cost, all in?

The cost inc flights, implant, op, 2 nights in hospital and 12 days at UPA cost around £7000. UPA had nurses on call, a doctor who reviewed, food and oft drinks inc and 4 treatments a day. 2 of which were always physio and a massage.

Forsythia Mon 04-Oct-21 19:23:38

Could you go to a convalescent home for a short while? Maybe tell him it’s so it will make his life easier while you get better. That way, you’ll be looked after and cared for and perhaps he will realise who and what he is missing!

Kali2 Mon 04-Oct-21 19:27:58

Thanks for sharing ClareAB.

I hope nothing serious with you OH- and hope he will agree to see his doctor. I am afraid in such cases, refusal is the norm, with more anger.

valdali Mon 04-Oct-21 19:34:00

It's possible he's blocked out being rude to your friend as he's ashamed of it. It's a psychological coping mechanism & not uncommon in men who are sweet as a nut in public but can be difficult and rude at home where they feel safe.Or of course it could be dementia, but given the acute onset and the obvious stressors you mustn't assume that it is. Visit to the doctor and hope to be reassured.

Maywalk Mon 04-Oct-21 19:51:30

Has something gone amiss with hubby's health since you went to have your knee done.?
Did your hubby resent you going abroad to have it done.?
You say he is a fit 74 year old BUT has he been checked over just of late?
Have you had it out with him as to why he is acting this way?

Neen Mon 11-Oct-21 23:29:26

Hire some carers to come in and he may pick up on some tips.
Get well soon x