Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

Interesting to read the mixed answers on here. I do think you are being a little unreasonable or even slightly controlling.

It sounds to me like you really would like DH to say in the morning 'what would you like to do today' and put you first. You come over as sounding weak and wanting to be asked what you want to do or even him suggesting something for both of you. In effect you want to come first and be put first. You sound like you are waiting for him to suggest something but know you will always be disappointed, you actually expect to be disappointed.

At the start of each week you should discuss any plans you have for the week ahead (and you should definitely have at least one or two things planned that you both do separately). Then on any days when both of you don't have anything planned you can decide to do something together. You should have one day a week when you both have a day out together.

You are responsible for your own happiness. It really is that simple.

Burst of laughter from here ... so so true !!!

Perhaps after years of having to do what the boss or clients demand he’s enjoying some freedom. Why don’t you get some interests of your own that take you out of the house and leave him to his own devices, and also make a few plans for the two of you, tell him well ahead and write it in red on a calendar where he can’t miss it. If you’re out quite a lot I imagine he would notice it. You sound rather as though your life depends on him being around and asking you before he can make any arrangements of his own.

I blame their mothers,also it seems to be a male thing,can only think of one thing at a time——- best plan you mention your plans the night before if you need help,otherwise let him do what he wants ——- give him a calendar and write down anything important ! Good luck

Remind yourself of why you married him.

Elvis58

Clio51.
Why on earth are you two together?
You sound awful to live with,no wonder he escapes every day, to het away from you no doubt.
If its that awful leave him, poor guy give him a break!

Well that’s pretty unkind

Clio51.
Why on earth are you two together?
You sound awful to live with,no wonder he escapes every day, to het away from you no doubt.
If its that awful leave him, poor guy give him a break!

I couldn’t put up with the way he treats you. He sounds like he’s your boss . All the car and motorcycle stuff wouldn’t bother me , but him dictating what you watch on tv or that you can’t read in bed is a very big no no from me . If I was you the first thing I would do is decorate the spare bedroom as you like it, then I’d get a new bed for it AND MOVE INTO IT. I’d also get a tv in there and a Netflix account. I’ve also got a small fridge and a teasmaid in mine and can remain there as much as I want .
If you’re not sharing a room with him none of his rules matter and you can read till 2 o’clock in the morning if you want to !

Sparky56, meals, here’s what ido with Mr B. Monday is my day off so I don’t do Amy cooking it’s up to him and he has to ask before he uses any fresh veg etc in the house as I might well have bought it because I have plans for it so he will just have to go the shops. Works very well and we do tend to eat a bit more. Just a suggestion.

We have a shared calendar on our phones so we can check our timing for our own activities. We both have regular fitness and hobby classes or meetings for social groups. If I want my DH to particularly be with me for something I put it in the calendar after discussing it with him. We both love retirement and our many activities give us something to talk about when we're together. I would hate to have to discuss every outing and I'm sure my DH would feel the same.

May I ask what DH was like in general, pre your retirement? Is he a Loner, single-minded, unaware of your feelings? It isnt about not knowing where items are in a Shop, it is that he (worryingly) caters solely for himself. You need to have a serious talk with him.

ExaltedWombat

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

Agreed! My husband openly admits he doesn't do hints but direct questions he's fine with.

Boz

Old joke;
Man says to wife "Put your coat on, I'm going to the Pub".
"Me, too says surprised Wife.
Man replies "No, I'm turning the fire off.

?
but also ?!

Have a day or two that you save for joint activities, so Tuesday and Saturday are joint days where you do things together? Also is it that you have not gotten yourself much going on? Maybe you need to look at how to fill your days and enjoy retirement with social groups or friends ect

This sounds exactly like my husband Baggs but as some have said, the male mind doesn’t seem to work like ours. My husband takes it for granted that I plan, shop and cook all the meals. He very rarely helps and acts like he’s done a big favour if he washes up pans or oven trays once in a blue moon!
If I’m feeling under the weather (or just plain fed up of the continual meal routine) he MAY suggest getting take away. Very rarely he’ll suggest a meal out! I suppose as far as he’s concerned every meal is a ‘meal out’ as in there’s no input required by him!! I do sometimes have a hissy fit then he’ll be solicitous for a day or two then revert back.
I had a hysterectomy 12 years ago and 2 years before that a major op for bowel cancer (followed by months of chemo)
He seemed to think the hysterectomy was a minor procedure. He brought me back from hospital, dumped me on sofa then went into his study. I had to ask at 6.30pm if he was making some dinner. He said he thought there was something in freezer? I could go on but enough said - I’m obviously not alone in my experiences!

After reading your post it doesn't appear that the two of you would really get much enjoyment in spending more time in each other's company.

Do you actually have plans that he ruins? Do you tell him you want to do something on a specific day and he does something else instead?
Are you expecting to be spontaeneous with what you want to do? Have you always been this way or is it something new?
Maybe he needs more structure in his week, now that he's retired, than you do, hence the need to go to the shop same time every day.
Why the sudden need to do things together?
Getting angry isn't going to help. Think it through objectively. Being thrown together every hour of every day isn't good for the vast majority of couples, maybe he needs to replicate a work situation, seeing other people and having things to do.
I know my husband will suffer when he retires whilst I'm loving it. Men are just wired differently.

All of you who complained about your OH (horrible expression - surely you are both individuals), seem to have lost sight of the fact that you chose to be in that relationship, so should take the bad with the good!
I'm single by choice - two marriages were enough for me , & although occasionally I miss having someone to go to the theatre or have dinner with, I am very happy in my own company, & can do what I like when I like. You all have a choice - and I bet you' d miss them if the were gone.

Men don't think really, but most of them are amenable if you ask them to do something. Best to mention it the day before really "I'd like to do x together tomorrow" and then if he says "I'll just go to the shop before..." and you think he won't be back in time say "I'd rather you left the shop till later, just in case". I have to do that all the time with mine, and he's always compliant, he just isn't proactive. This morning I wanted him to help me change a light bulb (can't do ladders any more due to dizzies) and he moaned he was in the middle of something. I said you're always in the middle of something, would you have let me know when you finished and said "is there anything you'd like me to help you with my dear?" he got my point and did the light bulb. :D

I honestly thought all women who have been married for more than a couple of years had realised that if you say, "Will you do such and such?" Dh answers, "Yes" understanding his wife's question to mean " do it sometime or other".

If you like me today you want the water to the outside tap turned of TODAY as the forecast is for night frost, then it is no good saying, "Will you turn off the water to the outside tap, please?

You have to specifiy "Now" or "this morning" or "when we have finished our morning coffee"

(And no, I can't do it myself, as I can't reach the blinking lever even from the step-stool. And no, I will not fetch a ladder in, because if I do the things DH should and can do, as well as my own work about the place, I shall be doing it all in two shakes of a lamb's tail)

Apart from that sit your DH down and tell him nicely that you need to sort out some kind of planning session for who does what, when, and when you do things together, as him just disappearing to do whatever without inquiring how you want to spend the day is driving you nuts.

vanecam if it makes you feel better yes it is taken/occupied the reason i said busy is because they are in seperate homes with different needs 10 miles apart dont think your comment bore any resemblance to the point i was making about retirement and how i cope with it

My husband does this but he is such a lovely sweet guy I don't mind. I let him know the dates I want him around and leave the rest to him.

We did everything together. planned our many holidays and days out. He liked to cook and we always ate too much. He didn't watch the television programmes I liked and we read different books but he loved listening to music. We had ten years and he had a stroke and died recently. There was no time to say goodbye and I miss him dreadfully. I hope Clio51 you can find a happy medium and enjoy your life more. It can be suddenly cut short.

My H is not retired yet so I can’t comment on how retirement pans out. But he is extremely self-centred and although I have done my best to communicate about how his behaviour affects me and what I would prefer, he just appears to listen, promises change and then does nothing about it. He doesn’t care enough about getting on with me to put himself out and change anything. So I have decided to leave.

Your husband does sound very inconsiderate and annoying. I think whether you’re being unreasonable depends on how much you’ve tried to communicate with him about how his behaviour impacts you and what changes you would like. If you have tried and he has ignored you, YANBU. If you haven’t it would be worth trying that.

There have been some good ideas in this thread about planning ahead and being assertive which also sound helpful, if you haven’t already tried them.

Your husband sounds to me like he might be on the autistic spectrum. If so, this could make communication difficult. But if he is prepared to put himself out in order to get on with you, things could still improve. The struggle to communicate could be worth it. If not, it would be a case of do I want to put up with this or leave?