Gransnet forums

Relationships

Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

(133 Posts)
Clio51 Sat 09-Oct-21 10:33:51

So as I said we’re both retired now, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or even controlling?

Dh will on the day say I’m going to xxxx
Doesn’t even consider if I want to do anything together this nearly always leads to a row.
It’s not that I mind him doing his own thing for a few hours, I just feel other things like
Hobbies come before me and I’m the last resort

Like yesterday he cancelled his tennis from Saturday to Sunday
So this morning he says “ I’m going to take the bike out today”
No thoughts of me in their, or if I wanted to do/go something together
He then says, we can do something after tennis tomorrow, which would be 1-1.30pm
I felt it was like he could fit me in

The other week, he did his own things 5 days on the run, it never even dawned on him ME until I bought it to his attention

Yesterday we had decorators in, we still had things to move out off bedrooms to take down etc.
He decided to go to shops first, he went 9.30
Said he’d be back before decorator came
10. 30
It’s was a good job I started it, because they came at 10.10 with still few things to move
He came back, they were here.
He had to take mirrors off the wall in bedroom, he smashed it !
Why did he not bloody think “ I’ll go to shops later, when things are sorted”
It’s his routine every day! Out to shops around 9.30-10.30.

I’m I being unreasonable? Please tell me I’d like others views.
How does your retirement day to day plan out?

Lucca Sat 09-Oct-21 10:35:40

So glad I live on my own….

Peasblossom Sat 09-Oct-21 10:45:08

I’m afraid you have to tell them if you want something and be assertive about it. I find this quite difficult but I’ve accepted that the obvious just doesn’t occur to him.

So
I’m going to the shop. I’ll be back before 10,30
No. You have to take mirror down and move the furniture before you go.

I find he’s quite amenable to being told 😬

Equally. Get in first with
On Tuesday we are going to wherever. Dont arrange tennis on that day.

Don’t expect him to think of that on his own because he’ll just stick to his routine otherwise.

My birthday present was joint membership of the National Trust and he said he would come any day when he wasnt playing bowls 🙄🙄🙄🙄

HolySox Sat 09-Oct-21 11:20:29

How long have you both been retired? Is this 'teething' troubles?
What was your relationship before retirement? Usual scenario is wife takes main responsibility for housework and that role remains (helps you to adjust to retirement) but husband has lost his daily routine. I say that as your husband has given himself a daily routine of 'going to the shops'. Again he gives himself regular 'organised' activities. Is he really enjoying these or needing to give himself purpose? Maybe he is not so much thoughtless but simply a bit lost.
Have a frank discussion on how you each would like to spend time in retirement. Maybe sometimes together, sometimes apart but always respecting the other's needs. Maybe share housework duties so you are both free at the same time.
Wish you a long and happy retirement together.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Oct-21 11:25:20

He sounds very selfish to me.

Kim19 Sat 09-Oct-21 11:26:15

Have you discussed this with him gently and quietly? If you just go along with him in unquestioning (albeit aggrieved) silence, it is not unreasonable for him to think you're okay with it. Conversely, you could pop out and do your own thing(s) whenever it suits you and see how he respoonds.

Redhead56 Sat 09-Oct-21 11:33:38

You are not unreasonable at all you need to sit him down and talk. Retirement can be very difficult we worked together when we retired there were a few rows.
My DH took to watching tv all day that drove me mad we had to talk about what we could do to make it work. Now I think we have the balance right it’s about compromise really.

Urmstongran Sat 09-Oct-21 11:35:35

Sounds as though you’re seething in silence Clio51. Why not talk about it all in general one evening?
Communication is key.

Hetty58 Sat 09-Oct-21 11:42:58

I feel sorry for your husband. I'm just so happy that I don't have to make plans and fit in with anyone else. I can do exactly what I want, when I want, depending on the weather - and my mood.

I'd find it really difficult too, as I'd just resent 'wasting' my time to keep the other person happy. I've been married twice (divorced then widowed) - and in many relationships, but my partners have always fitted in with my plans - or gone off to do their own thing. It's just how I am.

Visgir1 Sat 09-Oct-21 11:43:41

Why not go on Strike... As now both "Retired" make him do his own ironing, properly share the housework, tell him and don't do it. Share the cooking as well. You need to get it right otherwise you will have a very unhappy life.
You need to enjoy your time too perhaps going out at night? Night classes or such?
We are both "Retired" but I work 2 days a week, at home atm and my DH has no option, he wants dinner he cooks it!

PamelaJ1 Sat 09-Oct-21 11:44:20

I once read a book , well I have actually read more than one but this particular one was ‘ Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps’. I discovered that saying will instead of can was more effective. Eg asking ‘ can you take the bins out’ is interpreted as an enquiry as to whether he is capable of taking the bins out whereas ‘will you’ means take the bins out. (NOW😂)
If I was on the motorway with you and asked if you needed a coffee or the loo at the next service station you would know that I did! Men seem to be more literal and are likely to respond with a no.
Now I take the more direct approach and just say ‘stop at the next services please’ and he does so very happily.
I think that I learnt more useful information from that book than any other!

LindaPat Sat 09-Oct-21 12:01:09

I know ( and truly appreciate the fact) that I am very lucky. I am retired, MrLP is still working.

On a weekend/day off/holiday he always asks in the morning - " is there anything that you would like to do today?" That is my chance to suggest somewhere to go or do, from visiting a new open garden or a market, to digging a hole in the garden for yet another plant! ( I don't have a lot of strength in my hands, and find digging our heavy soil hard work).

If I don't need to go anywhere/need a hand with something, he will quite happily amuse himself with one of his own hobbies or interests. I never feel that he doesn't put me first - though he does tend to lose track of time when working on a project!

We have things that we do together, and our own separate interests. I do agree however, with those who have suggested telling your OH exactly what you want them to do. They definitely don't see jobs/tasks/problems the way we do!

Take care, x

Baggs Sat 09-Oct-21 12:01:53

Just so, pamelaj! I have some little cards (sides of teabag boxes, etc) and I write things like "Blue bin needs to go down the hill today" and leave them by the kettle. If he hasn't done it by evening meal time, I say dinner will be ready after he's taken the bin down.

Next day the card says: "Bin(s) need(s) to be brought up." I re-use them.

Clio51 Sat 09-Oct-21 14:24:14

I’m having my breakfast and he starts bringing the single bed which we’d put in garage from the bedroom
Obviously he couldn’t manage it, so I said I’m having my breakfast just like you did an hour ago so you can wait till I’m ready
I then have to guide him to which way to move it to get it back upstairs
All this because he either wants it to put his c... on or out off what he thinks is his garage!
Turned in to another row

We’re been retired. Good 7 yrs.
I feel I have to tell him especially in the earlier yrs what to do, it’s like having a child he’s got not got a clue.

If I ask him to get something from shop when he goes, it’s where is it, how much , what isle I might get call then “ right I’m in front off them, they got xxxx which one is it” or he will write list before he goes and will forget something or even the list
and I have to go back later.
He goes to shop not because he enjoys it
It’s something to do for an hour

He never suggests doing anything with the house, he will Hoover, do kitchen after tea and put washer on morning & night !
After he’s had his 2nd shower off the day
Never asked as anyone got anything to go in

It just feels he’s got His agenda and I follow
Like I help him with things, but if I suggest he has a sought out
Like 9 ors trainers all over 2 bedrooms
3 Ora shirts/trousers because he wears shorts in house, trousers out
He’s still got bags off letter in plastic bag full from work related , old insurance stuff old Hosp appointments. Plus his 2 draws are full off s... I get I’ll do them next week
He can be sat there nothing to do, but never enters his head. Would rather watch bikes etc on YouTube for hour or wash hes 2 cars

If I ask him, it’s I’ll do it when I’m ready
He’s already taken my roles shopping,washing

Aghhhh the frustration is winding me up

Judy54 Sat 09-Oct-21 14:34:32

It is important Clio51 to have some me time to pursue your own interest/hobbies but also time to spend doing things together. Perhaps sit down and discuss with each other what you would like to do and then plan ahead rather than him telling you on the day what his plans are. What do you like to do together? Do you go out as a couple for walks, for a meal, to visit museums and galleries. There are lots of things out there to do and enjoy together.

Clio51 Sat 09-Oct-21 20:12:13

The way he as turned into and the way he’s winding me up, I luv me time.
After this morning’s episode I said
You go out, I need space, he didn’t waste any time bike out Gone

I can’t really plan ahead as I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, so unless he hasn’t said he’s going anywhere and I feel upto it then I’ll suggest going out.

There’s not really anything we like doing together!
I don’t mind a walk, but he’s super fit and I walk to slow for him(I have bad pain in my heels) so if I suggest doing that again
He will say your to slow, he doesn’t even like me going out with him on his nightly after tea walk(his times every been told)
He likes, sport things. Tennis, pedal bikes
Motorbikes (does all 3, think I mentioned once going for knock about at tennis club
He only manage 20 mins with me) he’s very competitive!. I’ve mentioned getting a pedal bike, but I know he wouldn’t be together
I’d be too slow, he does hour bike ride
Probably would take me 2 or more hours

I’m in house things and going looking at different shops to find different things
I like the garden, so I’m interested in plants
So like going to different garden centres
If I mention say one that’s quite far for a change it’s “ what do you want to go there for” not that it’s a ride out to somewhere different. Then I feel he’s not bothered as he just walks behind me, i look at him and can tell he’s p... off

He’s quite a routine kind of person
Like things at the same time, if we’ve been somewhere for coffee he will want to go back to the same place where as I think there’s loads in different towns just another area
Then we have to be coming back before 3pm so we don’t get stuck in traffic,
school run time.

I don’t think I know the answer to our retirement, it’s becoming a disaster

LadyGracie Sat 09-Oct-21 20:29:29

DH and I are joined at the hip, we go everywhere together except his art classes.
When home he spends a couple of hours in his workshop whilst I potter round the house. We garden, shop and go walking together.
We’re boring, but happy!

Summerlove Sat 09-Oct-21 20:36:47

If you want to do things with him daily, you need to tell him.

People are not mind readers

Harris27 Sat 09-Oct-21 20:37:19

I would do a role reversal. Next week say your going out at a moments notice and see if it bothers him.

Nonogran Sat 09-Oct-21 20:59:02

He sounds very selfish.
His adherence to routine, familiar coffee shops etc sounds like he could be on the (autism) spectrum?
You sound unhappy, and he sounds like a “bachelor with benefits.”
I can’t see it improving so in your shoes, take a deep breath & work on your escape plan. We only have one life!

ayse Sat 09-Oct-21 21:01:22

We both do our own thing most of the time but we have a happy companionship. He goes fishing and I spend time with my children. He likes to poke round all the bins at Lidl and Aldi plus Go Outdoors. I loathe shopping so he usually goes on his own. We do meet in town for coffee and chats.

At home I do most things in the house but he’s always ready to wash up. He keeps the car sorted and has a go at DIY.

We tend to spent the evenings together. We often play cards and games, especially on holiday. I have to be very firm if I need him to do something as he’s easily distracted.

It might be worth you finding others that have similar interests to yours. Maybe go with a friend to the garden centre.

It’s taken me a while to accept the status quo but we now live our own lives together. I hope you manage to resolve at least some of the difficulties.

mokryna Sat 09-Oct-21 21:02:25

How about you using an electric bike while he uses his pedal one or he runs?

grannyactivist Sat 09-Oct-21 21:12:27

LadyGracie we’re the opposite - our hips rarely touch! 🤣🤣

We’re both still working, but we both work from home so we’re often in the same building. There have been times when we have each assumed the other is in/out and been mistaken because there is no routine to either of our days and much as we love each other (and we do, very much) we both lead very independent lives.

We have ‘date nights’ and are often together with our children and grandchildren, but if we each need the other to do, or be, something or somewhere specific then we say so. Or better yet put it in the joint calendar.

(Doesn’t always run smoothly - this week’s date night was cancelled because I’d not put an evening meeting in the calendar and it clashed. blush My husband was very forgiving and we’re now going to watch James Bond on Tuesday instead.)

M0nica Sat 09-Oct-21 21:29:45

How about a large calendar that you write things in. We have a rule in our house, if it isn't on the calendar then it isn't happening.

But, to be honest, people do not suddenly behave like this. This behaviour must have been happening well before you retired. I think you need to make him sit down and talk it through. I cannot see an alternative. Unfirtunately I suspect that sitting and talking things through is something the pair of you are not used t doing.

H1954 Sat 09-Oct-21 21:43:31

I would be inclined to be out after he returned from one of his regular jaunts. See how he feels when he comes home hungry, no one there to make him a cuppa or cook his dinner.....might sound petty to some but this man is clearly paying no regard to his wife is he?