Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

grounds for divorce

Mr Barmey also like to do his own thing, so I have got into the habit of saying the evening before, what are your plans for tomorrow. I listen and then might just say ok OR well we NEED to do so and so, so I suggest you do it this way instead. I become assertive, I also make sure I have plans for doing stuff on my own that will inconvenience him, like doing something over lunch time so will have to do his own or over the main meal of the day leaving him to do it. Just put your foot down, heavy.

Le15

I retired 3 years ago my husband 2 years prior to that due to work stress, all he does from morning to night sometimes till 3am in the morning is watch tv or laptop he has gained 2 stone we have a dog and used to go together but then he said his hip hurt to much but will not go to the doctors to sort it out so ive built my own life now im out 2 hours with the dog in the morning ive met so many nice people on the walks and love this part of my day ive also got 2 parents in care homes so i am busy visiting them and in between that i meet friends for coffee and chat hes happy to be a couch potatoe and im happy with my lot ! not ideal for some but works for me its either that or leave but i cant afford too.

Can I disagree with you?

You say that you are “busy visiting” your parents.

Surely you meant to say that your time is “taken/occupied visiting”.

How “busy” can visiting somebody really be.

ElaineRI55

A key question is do you still love and care about each other? I'm no expert, but it does sound as though your husband may be on the autistic spectrum ( extreme fixation on bikes and needing routine etc). You have also said you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe while you both worked, a lot of issues were masked by work requirements/routine. It may be worth considering whether this is an opportunity to help each other and both be happier in the process. First step may be to find a calm moment when you're both quite relaxed and gently suggest you need to look at your routine to ensure you're both happy in retirement and as you get older. If he doesn't see that he has any issues, you might have to sell it as you need things to change as you're not as happy as you know you could/should be. I think it will need either a professional counselor or a specific structured approach maybe based on suggestions in a book or internet guide/course. If he won't do that, you might still be able to find strategies to help you approach things differently either by seeing a counselor on your own or reading up on some ways to identify whether he is on the autistic spectrum and how best to communicate if that seems to be the case. It would be a shame for either or both of you to be unhappy or harbour resentment in your retirement years. I hope you find a way to improve things.

This is the best answer on here, in my opinion.

I also think you need to see a councillor to find the root for both of you.

Think, OP, if in a quiet and calm moment you asked your husband "do you want to spend time with me" what do you, in your heart, think the answer would be. If he were to react in surprise then I think it's as others here have suggested, he's simply not factoring you or your feelings into his actions.

However - there's a lot of indications in your posts, OP, that make me think he's quite happy getting on and not including you.

Could you say "I'm very unhappy about being left out of your life" and then suggest a councillor. Once he starts to think about you, and your needs (which would include thinking about the day-to-day stuff like bins) I believe you'd see an improvement. But this can't be through rows or sulky silences or storming out. And I think that is where a councillor could help. Your GP might be able to help with recommendations.

ExaltedWombat

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

Agree ExaltedWombat retirement is a big life change and couples need to talk about and agree on their expectations of this new life. Good to see you post again, haven't seen you on here for a while.

Will there ever be thread on here where there is no suggestion of someone being on the autism spectrum. Seems to be a catch all for every problem.

I retired 3 years ago my husband 2 years prior to that due to work stress, all he does from morning to night sometimes till 3am in the morning is watch tv or laptop he has gained 2 stone we have a dog and used to go together but then he said his hip hurt to much but will not go to the doctors to sort it out so ive built my own life now im out 2 hours with the dog in the morning ive met so many nice people on the walks and love this part of my day ive also got 2 parents in care homes so i am busy visiting them and in between that i meet friends for coffee and chat hes happy to be a couch potatoe and im happy with my lot ! not ideal for some but works for me its either that or leave but i cant afford too.

I'd be relieved..I'm always on catch up on what I want to do the worst thing would be to feel I was responsible for someone else's boredom. Freedom. However somehow he has got in first with his needs and diminished you. Not a good feeling! So you'll have to be a bit clever...would you rather do things with him than without him? or is it that he's made you feel like the housekeeper? Bit arrogant. All needs thinking about. What is really going on...which is it for example Do you want to do everything with him? Or Do you want him to do things with you? Get to the bottom of it then sort it. Mind you you cant make him want to do things with you but at least you can tell him it hurts you if that's the case and he wont be so blithe. I always knew when my partners wanted to go off alone because they would do some housework and I'd be pleased and off they go. But at least they had hoovered or whatever.

Haven't you learnt anything in all your years on this Earth? :-) Don't 'expect' or drop hints - ASK.

Has he always done his own thing and had his own interests before you were both retired? Who retired first ?
If he has always gone out on his own , just because you are both retired now, why would you assume that he'll suddenly realise that because you are home all day, that you will like a little bit of his time for you to spend together?
I think that you need to sit him down and just say to him that it would be really nice to go out to lunch/ go somewhere and spend the day together/ have an evening in with a DVD and a takeaway/ go to the cinema and maybe make it a one day a week thing ?
You need to find yourself things to do without him, so that you don't feel so bereft - volunteer (CAB is often looking for volunteer advisors and currently many are allowing you to do it from home - you do get training!) Age UK need volunteers on their phone lines to chat to people on their own also. How about joining a walking group?you can join on your own or together and make some new friends.
Maybe if you make plans for yourself, DH won't feel so pressurized to feel joined to your hip!

Separate lives he doesn't ask me anything we barely speak I envy people who live on their own unfortunately it's not an option for me at the moment

I have a similar issue. My husband never suggests doing anything. It's up to me to say "It's a nice day, shall we go out"? He will agree but without much enthusiasm, and it is down to me to decide where to go. When we do go out, he generally quite enjoys it and we seem to get on better outside the house.

He spends no time with me when at home. Won't watch TV and keeps himself to himself.

Much as I would like companionship at home, and some enthusiasm for joint outings, I now have to make my own arrangements - follow my own interests and meet my friends regularly. I know it is not ideal, but perhaps you need to think along the lines of doing your own thing.

My dh and I do loads of things separately - he does more than I do. We have very good relationship and TBH I’m perfectly happy with it. He recently went on a week’s holiday abroad just with a rather older brother who might not be well enough in a year or two - I had not the slightest objection to that, either.

After retirement my parents did absolutely everything together, all the time - even the food shopping. I didn’t think it was at all good for my mother, who wasn’t very sociable anyway (my father was the opposite) so I’m sure that’s why she felt even more terribly lost after he died - she’d had no life of her own.
I never want a repeat of that sort of scenario.

This person sounds bloody awful to live with.

What a miserable existence for you both.

There is plenty of advice given in the posts above but he will still be the same person whatever you do and not great to live with. He needs to be able to live on his own?

Set him free.

Time to go.

You just sound like 2 people who have different ideas of what they want in their lives and consequently resentments have built up. Without any slur to "Clio51", for all those saying he sounds like a selfish man, it can't be easy for him either to live with someone who has anxiety and health issues. That is not to excuse his selfishness but it may be that he has to have his routines to keep his life together.
This sentence spoke volumes about the communication: "^Obviously he couldn’t manage it, so I said I’m having my breakfast just like you did an hour ago so you can wait till I’m ready^. It reveals the resentment, the lack of communication and the resentment. It ratchets up the ill feeling whilst "Hang on, I'll give you hand when I've finished this," would have been neutral and tensions wouldn't rise.
He does sound like a man who needs to be pointed in the direction of what you need him to do. My husband is like that. He doesn't 'do' hints, manipulation, etc. 90% of the time he is willing to do what I want as long as I just ask him outright. The other 10% is easier to bear because of the majority of his willingness.
There is absolutely no point in talking when you or he are angry. Far better to say that you are really unhappy but you think it would be fixable if you could come to an agreement on how you can move forward with both of you getting what you want but in a more harmonious way. There will need to be compromise. If you know that every morning he needs his shopping fix until 10.30, try not to commit him to appointments which clash with that without giving him fair warning about what you expect from him. As somebody said, put appointments on the calendar so you both know where you are.
Sadly a lot of men just don't care what the home looks like. However, it sounds like your finances need to be sorted so that you both put enough money to one side so that there is money to pay all the bills plus enough to do maintenance and renewing worn out stuff. Anything else he has can be for his hobbies...you get the same benefit and if you want to spend it on the house, that is your choice.
If you haven't got it in you to work through this, be honest with yourself and start to plan how to make bigger life changes. Maybe talk it through with a Counsellor and try to find something to look forward to.

My husband is more like a self-centred toddler these days. I have accepted he will never grow up.

Clio I think you maybe just needed a good vent.
To find a bit of balance sometimes it helps to follow a vent with writing a list of the things you love about him.
If he did a vent about you what do you think he would be saying? If he followed it up with a list of what he loves about you, what would be on it.
Could you afford to have a couple of days away together? Yes you would probably have to organize it but sometimes a break away from home and routine allows you to 'touch base' and remember how much you love each other.

It must be difficult but I'd be glad he has hobbies. So many men don't. When my dad retired he drove mum mad as he had nothing to do and kept asking her where she was going and when she'd be back. You need to find a way to compromise really.

Old joke;
Man says to wife "Put your coat on, I'm going to the Pub".
"Me, too says surprised Wife.
Man replies "No, I'm turning the fire off.

We also have a joint calendar which works well. We are both pretty independent as well - having both worked full time and brought up 3 children. We have joint friends and separate friends - we spend evenings together- and all family ‘dos’ of course, also cinema, theatre, quizzes, holidays etc - which I have to say, I usually organise! We go to different groups in U3A - he goes to engineering heritage, and some general meetings, I run a book club, host a craft group and a family history group - I love investigating my roots! He plays golf and goes swimming- I go for walks with friends ending with a coffee or a pub lunch. Most of our lives he had a motorbike and an ordinary bike. I had a bike until my joints gave out.? We have also always had a boat - he can’t manage it by himself any more but goes out with our son. So perhaps try to get some life for yourself? I appreciate you suffer from anxiety but most people our age are battling some sort of difficulty- maybe Join U3A or a church? You will meet new people and may start to feel better. Do try to chat to your husband about it - he sounds like a typical bloke to me and needs telling! But make sure you have some interests of your own. Good luck xx

It sounds as though you ve reached the fork in the road and have gone down different paths in your retirement. I d suggest, as others have, just to start pursuing your own interests and things that make you happy. If you love each other it will work out, if not maybe you need to reassess why you try together ? Communication is the key. After 20 years of marriage and constantly trying to keep someone else happy to my own detriment I m on my own and have been for a number of years and I love it, I can do what I want when I want. Good luck

Why don't you sit down once a week and do your diaries for the week, Then have a wall calendar that you can write things on - 'Monday bins', Tuesday dentist', etc. If he says I'm playing tennis on Thursday you can either say 'fine - I'll have lunch with xxx that day' or 'Hang on a second you need to move the sofa before you do that!' That worked with my husband - I just had to remind him to look at the wall calendar!

I go out a lot to meet friends for coffee, lunch, WI etc. I go for a walk on my own every day.

I tell DH each week what I’m doing, he tells me what he is doing, which is generally home based.

I then say ‘Let’s go out to lunch on Wednesday, I’ll organise it’.

It sounds to me as if you are not that happy being with him anyway. Why don’t you make a life for yourself, like he has?

I doubt he will change. We are what we are.

Best of luck.

I would have thought by the time any couple gets past the twenty five year mark a bit of give and take should be second nature but then there will always be those who fall by the wayside
I tried it and although met with some opposition we did celebrate our golden.

Hi Clio51.
When I read your initial post I thought that is what my other half is like. He’s not quite as bad, in that he only has the one hobby. He is quite intense about it though! We hardly chat as he has his head in a sodoku or crossword every coffee and lunch time. If we go out anywhere his camera has to come too. This is his hobby, I come second place. When at home he is in his office with his pictures most of the time. I have started giving him jobs to do which he does after a fashion ! I have had words with him about it he sort of makes a bit of an effort but it doesn’t last. So frustrating. I sympathise with you.Yours sounds as if he doesn’t care for you at all.