Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

DanniRae.

Mr. S. simply tells me when he's bowling which is a couple of times a week, but if he wants an additional game he always asks if it's OK.

I'm a home bod so very content and happy to potter around the house when he's otherwise engaged but we spend a lot of time together.

I don't think you are being unreasonable Clio retirement is to be enjoyed as a couple and your H needs to understand that this is your time too.

Well, after reading this thread I have realised that Mr R is not "an annoying old s*d" but an amazing husband! Sorry Clio51 not at all helpful to you but very helpful to me!!

My father was a bit like that and although he had every intention of my mother coming too he would announce pretty much whenever holidays came up "I thought I'd go here this year", my mother always replied "how nice, where am I going?" It was something she and I laughed about together, the way he was, inconsiderate! I think it was always a subliminal thought with me not to settle with a man like him! So no, if my husband is doing something different which is usually golf, he will make sure it doesn't clash with anything else, we tend to plan separate activities in advance and then run those past each other.

Join your own groups and if you are out when he wants lunch or whatever - too bad. I wouldn’t want my husband around all the time breathing down my neck, I’m glad when he goes to his social groups. That is the problem with Covid, too much of a good thing.

My thoughts too nonogran… “bachelor with benefits.”

As someone else you need to communicate. We sit down at least once a week with our diaries to plan things out. I would be very interested to hear your husbands side of this I would bet he is just as frustrated as you are.

Sometimes people are just on different paths in the end. I certainly am with my soon to be ex husband. That said I'm not suggesting divorce.
If you've said your feeling a little lost and left out and he continues, then I'd simply make a life for yourself too, spa days and swimming or afternoon tea, have your nails done, join a walking group ,(Eventbrite app often have walking groups and craft groups and all sorts actually ) , or whatever your thing is, art classes, learn a language , yoga, join meditation at your nearest Buddha centre etc . Find you , enjoy you x

Why are you with him?? Is the house in both your names? Would you be able to buy somewhere else with your share? If so do it! Life is too short to be miserable.

Start by sleeping in your own bedroom, you can read at your leisure. You’ve put up with this bl** nonsense for far too long!

If a divorce is not what you want then put your foot down, tell him how you feel and make changes.

Clio Do you know how lucky you are I will retire in 18 months, cannot wait, I will be 66. I dont care if my partner has hobbies. He is a good standard marathon runner. While he is out of the house he is not under my feet. Also I like to do things on my own it's great and he does not object.

We never ask each other if we
can, we just do. Sometimes if I am going somewhere I will say do you want to come, sometimes its yes, sometimes it's no. No problem with either.

If I wanted furniture cleared I would just ask and he will do it or I would do it myself.

As for the washing situation, you know when he does it, just add yours like I do, again no problems.
In answer to your question I dont think you are controlling, just unreasonable.

Clio51 I understand your frustration and that you find it difficult to plan ahead as you suffer from anxiety. The only way for your retirement to work and for you both to be happy, is to communicate your feelings to each other. You both sound resentful of each other and only the two of you can resolve this. We can all give advice and comment here on GN but ultimately what you decide is yours and your Husband's choice. I hope that you both find a way forward.

The main thing the pi.... me off is he Never ever sees anything needed in the house.
The kitchen is the same as it was when we moved in 18 yrs ago !
It was I that cut a worktop down so that we could put the fridge freezer in the kitchen as I was fed up off going into garage to get things out of fridge especially in winter door open and closed.
He’s never said I’ll paint the xxxx it’s left to me
This time the bedrooms needed badly doing, I’m No fit enough to do it, he’s not interested
So I payed for decorator as he’s no money so he says because off his 2 cars & motorbike ins & car maintenance & tax
There his priority
I do resent this as we don’t need 3 cars
When I met him 20 yrs ago, he sold his motorbike before we got together
It was only when he got some inheritance that he bought another one 15 yrs later
He’s spent £££ on designer motorbike gear
Yet won’t spent on the house to look nice, it a bike where there’s only about 50 left in the world, and I think he luvs the fact off that
It’s all he talks about bikes, bikes I’m sick off it to be honest.
Every night he’s on the laptop from 8-11pm looking at bikes, on bike/car forums
Yet if I watch something on tv that he thinks is wrong ie bit in film violence or something sad it “ why you watching this”

His bedtime routine is exactly the same most night mainly 11.10pm I can time it to a tee.

I think I’m going to start doing things for ME, not thinking he wants to be with me for the afternoon.
When he says, “ what we doing, I will say I’m going out”
Not to get my own back, he never ever says
Let’s go to xxx it’s always “where do you want to go”
I’ve asked him to decide but hardly ever comes up with anything or we end up staying in

From now on I’m putting myself first, I’ll go places on my own. I do have my own car
It’s just I think “ it’s nice to go together and choose things together” it’s now just clicked he’s not interested or wants to pay for anything nice for our home
But then that means I have to pay to keep a house nice(how I like it) and he gets the benefits
A nice house is important to me, as I luv nice things as we spend a lot off time at home.
Also I came from a large family 6 sisters and my mum brought us up alone as dad died when I was very young toddler. So times were very hard back in the 50/60’s

His dad was exactly the same as him I think from what I’ve learnt. His mum divorced his dad because he never did anything
Bikes were also in his blood

I’m not happy how I have to
Decide where to go
Pay for anything I suggest for interior house decor, but the he says “ it’s my house too, you don’t get to decide” ie furniture, painting etc even if I end up paying myself
He sits on the internet night after night, but picks me up on what I watch and what time I go to bed
He hates me reading in bed with light on, yet he’s asleep within 5 minutes!

Sorry ladies for going on, I think I need to vent

It sounds like you are resentful when he is busy and you are left at home alone. Do you feel trapped? Do you have your own car? You'd feel a lot happier if you had a social life of your own and your own transport. Ask friends to share outings to the garden centre, walks, browsing shops, coffee and cake.

Make a list of things you want to do and put them on the calendar. Part of the problem seems that in your mind, he springs on you his plans for the day and those things exclude you. Booking your 'slots' well in advance might avoid this.

I would be inclined to be out after he returned from one of his regular jaunts. See how he feels when he comes home hungry, no one there to make him a cuppa or cook his dinner.....might sound petty to some but this man is clearly paying no regard to his wife is he?

How about a large calendar that you write things in. We have a rule in our house, if it isn't on the calendar then it isn't happening.

But, to be honest, people do not suddenly behave like this. This behaviour must have been happening well before you retired. I think you need to make him sit down and talk it through. I cannot see an alternative. Unfirtunately I suspect that sitting and talking things through is something the pair of you are not used t doing.

LadyGracie we’re the opposite - our hips rarely touch! ??

We’re both still working, but we both work from home so we’re often in the same building. There have been times when we have each assumed the other is in/out and been mistaken because there is no routine to either of our days and much as we love each other (and we do, very much) we both lead very independent lives.

We have ‘date nights’ and are often together with our children and grandchildren, but if we each need the other to do, or be, something or somewhere specific then we say so. Or better yet put it in the joint calendar.

(Doesn’t always run smoothly - this week’s date night was cancelled because I’d not put an evening meeting in the calendar and it clashed. My husband was very forgiving and we’re now going to watch James Bond on Tuesday instead.)

How about you using an electric bike while he uses his pedal one or he runs?

We both do our own thing most of the time but we have a happy companionship. He goes fishing and I spend time with my children. He likes to poke round all the bins at Lidl and Aldi plus Go Outdoors. I loathe shopping so he usually goes on his own. We do meet in town for coffee and chats.

At home I do most things in the house but he’s always ready to wash up. He keeps the car sorted and has a go at DIY.

We tend to spent the evenings together. We often play cards and games, especially on holiday. I have to be very firm if I need him to do something as he’s easily distracted.

It might be worth you finding others that have similar interests to yours. Maybe go with a friend to the garden centre.

It’s taken me a while to accept the status quo but we now live our own lives together. I hope you manage to resolve at least some of the difficulties.

He sounds very selfish.
His adherence to routine, familiar coffee shops etc sounds like he could be on the (autism) spectrum?
You sound unhappy, and he sounds like a “bachelor with benefits.”
I can’t see it improving so in your shoes, take a deep breath & work on your escape plan. We only have one life!

I would do a role reversal. Next week say your going out at a moments notice and see if it bothers him.

If you want to do things with him daily, you need to tell him.

People are not mind readers

DH and I are joined at the hip, we go everywhere together except his art classes.
When home he spends a couple of hours in his workshop whilst I potter round the house. We garden, shop and go walking together.
We’re boring, but happy!

The way he as turned into and the way he’s winding me up, I luv me time.
After this morning’s episode I said
You go out, I need space, he didn’t waste any time bike out Gone

I can’t really plan ahead as I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, so unless he hasn’t said he’s going anywhere and I feel upto it then I’ll suggest going out.

There’s not really anything we like doing together!
I don’t mind a walk, but he’s super fit and I walk to slow for him(I have bad pain in my heels) so if I suggest doing that again
He will say your to slow, he doesn’t even like me going out with him on his nightly after tea walk(his times every been told)
He likes, sport things. Tennis, pedal bikes
Motorbikes (does all 3, think I mentioned once going for knock about at tennis club
He only manage 20 mins with me) he’s very competitive!. I’ve mentioned getting a pedal bike, but I know he wouldn’t be together
I’d be too slow, he does hour bike ride
Probably would take me 2 or more hours

I’m in house things and going looking at different shops to find different things
I like the garden, so I’m interested in plants
So like going to different garden centres
If I mention say one that’s quite far for a change it’s “ what do you want to go there for” not that it’s a ride out to somewhere different. Then I feel he’s not bothered as he just walks behind me, i look at him and can tell he’s p... off

He’s quite a routine kind of person
Like things at the same time, if we’ve been somewhere for coffee he will want to go back to the same place where as I think there’s loads in different towns just another area
Then we have to be coming back before 3pm so we don’t get stuck in traffic,
school run time.

I don’t think I know the answer to our retirement, it’s becoming a disaster

It is important Clio51 to have some me time to pursue your own interest/hobbies but also time to spend doing things together. Perhaps sit down and discuss with each other what you would like to do and then plan ahead rather than him telling you on the day what his plans are. What do you like to do together? Do you go out as a couple for walks, for a meal, to visit museums and galleries. There are lots of things out there to do and enjoy together.

I’m having my breakfast and he starts bringing the single bed which we’d put in garage from the bedroom
Obviously he couldn’t manage it, so I said I’m having my breakfast just like you did an hour ago so you can wait till I’m ready
I then have to guide him to which way to move it to get it back upstairs
All this because he either wants it to put his c... on or out off what he thinks is his garage!
Turned in to another row

We’re been retired. Good 7 yrs.
I feel I have to tell him especially in the earlier yrs what to do, it’s like having a child he’s got not got a clue.

If I ask him to get something from shop when he goes, it’s where is it, how much , what isle I might get call then “ right I’m in front off them, they got xxxx which one is it” or he will write list before he goes and will forget something or even the list
and I have to go back later.
He goes to shop not because he enjoys it
It’s something to do for an hour

He never suggests doing anything with the house, he will Hoover, do kitchen after tea and put washer on morning & night !
After he’s had his 2nd shower off the day
Never asked as anyone got anything to go in

It just feels he’s got His agenda and I follow
Like I help him with things, but if I suggest he has a sought out
Like 9 ors trainers all over 2 bedrooms
3 Ora shirts/trousers because he wears shorts in house, trousers out
He’s still got bags off letter in plastic bag full from work related , old insurance stuff old Hosp appointments. Plus his 2 draws are full off s... I get I’ll do them next week
He can be sat there nothing to do, but never enters his head. Would rather watch bikes etc on YouTube for hour or wash hes 2 cars

If I ask him, it’s I’ll do it when I’m ready
He’s already taken my roles shopping,washing

Aghhhh the frustration is winding me up

Just so, pamelaj! I have some little cards (sides of teabag boxes, etc) and I write things like "Blue bin needs to go down the hill today" and leave them by the kettle. If he hasn't done it by evening meal time, I say dinner will be ready after he's taken the bin down.

Next day the card says: "Bin(s) need(s) to be brought up." I re-use them.