Both retired(important) does your dh ask ?

You sound so fed up , it seems you are poles apart! I’m not saying you have to spend every waking our going out together but there doesn’t seem a compromise here, he sounds very selfish! I don’t think I could put up with it to be honest, too much like hard work

New post as I can’t remember any log in !!!

Carenza, the answer to that would be very illuminating,certainly

My apologies if I misunderstand but if your husband has motorbikes as his interest, I suggest you ask him to get a sidecar. That way, you can join him in his hobby - but in comfort - plus you are doing something together which you might find you both enjoy.

Lucca

So glad I live on my own….

Same here.
The peace is amazing

Clio, it sounds like his behaviour antedates retirement, your feelings have been building up for some time, his activities were accepted as he was going out to work and you had the hope that come retirement, there would be a chance to spend some nice time together, but 7 years on, he's not changed one bit and you are disappointed. I wonder if in the past he has not been happy with you doing your own thing, this sort of thing really drags you down and no wonder you are anxious and panicky. He has 2 cars, and bikes etc, d you have access to a car? Do you have to rely on him to take you places not on public transport routes?
the bed incident- how selfish of him, you are allowed to have your brekkie in peace. If he wanted help, which is not unreasonable, all he had to do was say I'm going to move it, I'll need a hand, can you help me after you've finished your brekkie. no need for him to be so thoughtless. You're right, he has his agenda, how wasteful of water and electricity to put the washer on twice a day. TBH unless you have a small capacity washer, even once a day for 2 sets of clothes and towels is too much, what would he do if you'd put some clothes in already or a towel or sheet yourself. But he doesn't actually look after the clean clothes and put them away afterwards. Why over 2 bedrooms? Bad enough clothes and shoes all over one bedroom. bags and drawers full of outdated paperwork, now I'm not a minimalist but he needs to pick out enough of the hospital stuff as a record of what happened, sort out out-of-date insurance stuff, is that for the car, he needs to keep proof of anything that might be relevant, any claims, no claims bonuses etc, rest can go, but what's the use of me saying that when he won't do it. Do you think he'd like a shredder for Christmas and some filing trays - I suspect the best you can hope for is that it is in neat boxes or drawers, as long as you have a fair share of drawers. I suspect his behaviour over shopping is designed to ensure you stop asking him to get things you need. Such a lot about what you say reminds me of my now ex. He would rarely do household things that needed doing, and was very reluctant to let me spend money on getting someone in to do things that desperately needed doing for comfort and safety. He too would say whose house is it, but never seemed to realise that it was mine too, and I deserved better for example, than a late 50s kitchen, a heating system that had electrical problems and holes in the flooring and a toilet that didn't periodically leak or overflow. If I tried to do anything then he would dig his heels in and refuse to help, and even when my son tried to help and put up some shelves I still got it, even though he had been talking about doing that for years. When he finally left me the house was £50k less than it would have been worth had it been in ordinary ok condition, in need of some modernisation, not tip-top all done over modern condition. I did get enough in my divorce to do everything needed, and eventually, my children helped me get it all sorted. But all those years having to put up with living in such a difficult situation. And he hoarded too, and left most of it for me to sort out. I don't know if your situation is as bad but as you get older you need a safe easy to live in house, well you do at any age, but particularly you do as you get older.
As for good ideas such as get an electric bike, I asked now ex about getting one so we could go out together, he is a cyclist too and a fast walker who would leave me behind if we did go out together, even if I was to keep up with him I'd want to stop and admire the view or take a photo, but no he didn't want that, he basically didn't want me along, maybe yours doesn't want you along either. If he wanted you to come along he would do what he's doing now, doing it quickly because he enjoys it, and he would also walk/cycle at your speed, and would suggest. A couple I know got a tandem trike and they both said it was the best thing they had ever bought. They had their own hobbies and interests but loved going out together on it
It takes some getting used to but being on your own can be a lot better than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you, who makes your life a misery. It is hard to consider splitting but do you want this to the end of your days? You have grounds for divorce already. I was so depressed and anxious with the treatment of me, that I couldn't make the first move. It was only after I was on my own I could look back on our life together and realised how abusive he had been, not just physically but all the other stuff, and found the freedom programme a real help getting my head sorted. You can do it online now. What so many of the other women said was yes, the violence is bad but actually, all the other stuff is dreadful too. None of us can tell you to leave, only you can make that decision, but it never does any harm to have a free half-hour with a solicitor to find out what a likely outcome might be. Finding out that it may not be as bad as you'd imagined might free you to do more for yourself or stand up for yourself more, knowing that you could go. One thing that I did before I filed for divorce was updated my will and changed how we owned the house from jointly owned to tenants in common. If you don't already have it like this, it might be worth considering

Wong* I'm sorry that you so unhappy. Have you told your husband how you feel or are you past trying to tell him or caring what he does?

It seems almost as if your relationship is beyond redemption. It is, of course, not so easy to, as some say, dump him/move out, etc etc. If this is not now possible for you, then you must start to lead your own life and get some enjoyment, despite your husband's lack of interest.

You say there are so many things you want to do but no-one to do them with. Have you some friends? If not, perhaps if you found something you're interested in - an arts/crafts group/course, an exercise class, a book group, a choir, etc, etc., (or perhaps some voluntary work - in a charity shop, a foodbank, reading to children in school, visiting elderly people, etc. etc) you might find you eventually have a friendship group. This can lead to lunches together, shopping trips, coach trips, or even a break away.

If you like dogs and are in a position to own one, this will ensure that at least you will get out for regular walks - fresh air and exercise raise the spirits. And it is fairly certain that on those walks you will meet other dog owners and at least have a friendly chat. Dogs are also calming and enjoyable company, and meeting their needs gives routine and purpose to the day.

If none of these things are for you, then do try and get out of the house and go for a walk, go to local events, go shopping. Anything to break the day up into more manageable portions.

It sounds like you are depressed and anything you can do which will get you out of the house will, I think, help. Try and plan your week so that every day you will have something - however small, to do.

I have several friends who have been left on their own through bereavement or relationship break up. One 84 year old lady I know goes line dancing, plays badminton, gives lifts and assistance to older friends (including my, now sadly deceased, Mum, for which I am eternally grateful and I now consider her to be a friend), takes her 3 dogs out for walks and to agility classes, etc, etc. If you do just one thing that interests you, it is a start.

Good luck and I hope things soon look up for you.

Surely it is not about asking the other to consent to your activities , but keeping someone informed of where you are going and when you will be back.

This is something we have always done with all members of our household. It is a security issue as much as anything. If we know where someone has gone and when they expect to return, we know when to raise the alarm should that person not return.

Don't understand this as we've always done our own thing. OH goes to pub, badminton, bowling, sauna etc on his own when he wants.
I visit friends, go to shops etc when I want. We go out together once or twice a week. Keeps the relationship alive as can both talk about our day. Never asked each other if we can do anything. That would be very controlling. If I wanted to stay O/N with a friend it's fine and also fine for him to go camping with BIL every year until the lockdown. There has to be trust and freedom in a relationship.

Is it possible that he simply does not understand how you feel? Could he be on the autistic spectrum?
Just a thought.

Instead of preparing dinner for him for at least a week let him know you will be out between say 3.30 to 7.00 pm each day and he is to get his own meals. And do the washing up . Don’t tell him where you are going. Go swimming, join a gym for a month and go each morning at say between 6.30 and 8.30. Have breakfast out each day. If he says anything then tell him you have a life as he appears to have one without you. Go for it!

Sorry but it sounds suffocating to me. Find your own interest s and hobbies and maybe factor in a couple of days a week at most when you do something together you both enjoy.

Dump him!!! I wish I had done it years ago but I didn't have the guts (and had three children). So now wish I had a husband who was not only a husband but a friend who I can share life with Instead I'm stuck with a grumpy, boring old man who does not want to do anything, won't get on a plane, won't do anything but eat, drink and live that day doing boring nothing. There is so much I want to do before I pop my clogs but I have no one to do it with. What a waste. So don;t compromise!!

Pam1969 Some women as well. I hatre being hinted at and expected to know. I am direct and expect everything to be up front and discussed. If something has to be said, I say it. If, the subject is 'difficult' I try to do it nicely and non-confrontationally as possible. This covers things as trivial as each knowing what the other is doing and liaising when dates clash

One of the thing I have learnt on GN is how many couples and families do not talk to each other and have a whole raft of issues that are never mentioned or consciously ignored.

I think I was rather naive about things like this before.

also it sounds as if you inherited him, like a sitting tenant; but you must have chosen to marry him.
he sounds like he just wants a quiet life and you keep hounding him.
perhaps you'd both be better apart, not continuing to annoy each other. that's not much of a life.
blame is not a useful concept. try to make the most of life.
re-arrange what you can. life is brief.

you sound as if you hate him.

He sounds very selfish to me

Go out before he does and DON'T be at home with dinner ready when he comes back.
Even if you've no particular place to go you could pop to the supermarket, dress shop, friend's house, local park, anywhere.
Let him come home to an empty house. He's selfish.

I'm glad I'm on my own as well.
Clio51 I think you need to take sometime and work out what exactly you would like to happen, what you want to change and what you want to keep.
For example would you want to be on your own or are you happier with someone?
I suspect your DH has always done his own thing but you expected things to change when he retired, only no one told him that.

I'm a psychologist and for years have been asking women about this very issue. Yes you have to be direct with most men. They need to be told what you need/want/expect.

My DH is quite the opposite he wants us to do everything together which sometimes irritates me although he never minds if I meet friends. He’s not got any hobbies but loves gardening. I have to remind him to do things other than the normal day to day stuff but he’ll do it -eventually! I’d have a moan about not having enough ‘me’ time but after reading OP’s frustrations I think myself lucky. I personally could not live like that. As others have said serious conversations need to be had and differences ironed out or alternative more serious action should be considered. Life is too short to be that unhappy.

I wasn't clear from your posts how finances are arranged. It sounds as if his money is for his stuff and your money is for house stuff but that may not be true. I hope for example that household bills are shared fairly.
Your posts have made me realise that things with us are working fairly well. That hasn't been without some effort tho.
We've been married 19 years and for the past 12 years have spent most days together. I work from home full time and DH is retired early due to health.
DH does house stuff while I am working, making lunch, washing up. He looks after GC. If you want something to happen in a certain way you need to speak up and say so. I hope it works out.

Lucca

So glad I live on my own….

I was thinking the same thing!

Do not rely on telepathy! Speak up for what you want - before you feel like screaming about him and what he does. All your thoughts are creating a place of unfairness and his being inconsiderate - so have a conversation about it. A calm one which acknowledges that he really hasn't been being 'mean' - he just didn't see it your way. You have a choice - to stick with your hurt thoughts (which I do understand) or to move to a place where you and he can talk and agree how you want your lives to be - both together and doing separate things when you want to. How you think - self talk - creates the world you live in - and you can change it! I wish you well.

It is sad to hear you say Clio51 "There is not really anything we like doing together" It seems that he has lots of interest outside the house and yours are in the house and garden. It sounds as though your lives have become unhappy and neither of you are prepared to compromise to meet the others needs. Not a lot more I can say except think about whether this is the way you want to live your life both now and in the future. It would be much better to sit down and discuss this because it won't go away and you and your Husband will only become more miserable. It's the only way to tackle it if you want a more harmonious relationship. I wish you well.