Gransnet forums

Relationships

I hate having to be around him

(13 Posts)
bjane02 Tue 12-Oct-21 13:58:44

My ex was abusive towards me. The things he did to me were very painful and left emotional scars. He raped me twice. Insulted and degraded me. Manipulated me. Called me aweful names daily. Laughed at me and mocked me in my pain. He hit me, choked me, restrained me. It was extremely hard to end the marriage. I left 10 years ago and 2 years ago I found love again and have a loving stable home. My ex begged me to go back to him after I started a new relationship and was pretty mad I refused.

He’s tried to continue his abuse by calling me names and making fun of me to our daughters. He lies about me and tells them if I ground them or correct them I don’t love them as much as he does. I’ve heard him tell them not to be a f$&@ing B like their mom. He is late to pick up and tells our girls he hopes it pisses me off. Additionally he refuses to return my text messages. I’ll text him if he’s picking up the kids and he ignores me. He’ll answer if I call him but I hate talking to him on the phone. He’s otherwise a okay father to them. I was very clear with him I’d take his time from him if he ever abused them. He doesn’t abuse them.

My issue is I have to see my ex all the time. We have 3 daughters. My younger twins play sports and are very active in school. He’s always there. My oldest daughter had a baby and when I went to see her he was there. I felt PTSD after seeing him in the hospital because he had treated me very badly in the hospital after I had our twins. He mocked me and laughed when I complained of being in pain from my c section and I felt sad that they took my twins in a different room.

I mainly ignore his antics because when I react he acts like a victim. He’s say so sweetly “I have no idea why your mom gets so mad. I’m so nice to her.” My girls hate being in the middle of it. I get blamed by him if I react. So I try not to ever react. This benefits my girls a lot because they don’t have to feel between us.

I struggle to deal with my emotions. Yesterday I was literally tearing up at my daughters volleyball game because I wanted to escape being in the same room as him. He had our daughter ask me if I wanted to go out to dinner with them after and I said no. She’s just put in the middle.

I just need help coping.

Smileless2012 Tue 12-Oct-21 14:10:51

It sounds as if you are suffering from PTSD bjane and you need to get some help with this so you can learn some coping mechanisms when you are going to be around this awful man.

You are already demonstrating great strength of character by keeping your feelings hidden, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing that he's still capable of hurting you and protecting your children in doing so.

Please contact your GP and find a trained counsellor to help you. flowers

ExDancer Tue 12-Oct-21 14:13:22

If you left him 10 years ago I can't understand how he has so much contact and influence over your children, they must be quite grown up by now?
Is he still doing the school run and seeing a lot of them?
Are you divorced or legally separated?
Does he live nearby?
He sounds truly terrifying and I feel for you, but can't offer any suggestions of how to help as your situation is so vague.

Newatthis Tue 12-Oct-21 14:33:53

I would go to the doctor and ask him to refer you for some therapy on how to cope. NLP therapy is good for this. Very,very brave you for getting out and staying out. Please get help, you have done so well so far.

halfpint1 Tue 12-Oct-21 16:42:44

I can't bear my ex either and it's been 15 years , you have my sympathies.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 12-Oct-21 17:59:33

I’m sorry you have to put up with seeing him. If it’s unavoidable perhaps your GP can help with the stress it causes you. My abusive husband left me and my son, having seen and heard what happened, refused to see him again. I have remarried and moved away but I am still afraid of him. Is it possible for you not to be involved in his meetings with your children, or only to be there if your new partner is with you?

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 12-Oct-21 18:37:42

Is your new partner/ husband helpful and supportive? Is there anything he could do to lessen the load as it were? Does he go to events involving your children with you?

I agree with others. I think you would benefit from medical advice. It certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Do remember you have the upper hand here. That’s why your ex is still angry with you after all this time. He’s weaker than you.

All the best💐

GillT57 Tue 12-Oct-21 19:08:25

Firstly, well done on removing yourself and your children from this abusive relationship. Your next step, as others have suggested, is to get professional help to learn how to stop this pathetic bully from getting under your skin. A good friend of mine has a similar problem with her ex, who despite having remarried, still seems to delight in making family events difficult for her. The one positive, and it will likely happen with your own children, is that they can see what he is doing, and now as adults, they only see him when absolutely unavoidable such as family funerals and weddings.

Neen Thu 14-Oct-21 16:15:50

First of look up gaslighting. Not many have heard of it or narcissist. Ring a bell.
Secondly. Remember healthy boundaries here and breathe and remember hehas no control unless you give it to him.
Then ring 101 and do a Clare's law and Sarah's law. If he's done it to you, you may not be the only one and check he is indeed safe to be around the children. Takes about 2 or 3 weeks to come back and he doesn't know you've done it. You just need full name and D.O.B
Good luck x

welbeck Thu 14-Oct-21 18:47:50

OP may not be in uk.

Esspee Thu 14-Oct-21 19:00:54

I suggest you also post on Mumsnet. There are a large number of women on there dealing with similar situations to yourself and some excellent recommendations are made by fellow members.
I think you showed tremendous strength in removing yourself and your children from this individual. Continue to show no reaction to his games. Stay strong.

Redhead56 Thu 14-Oct-21 19:13:52

My first husband was a vile womanising abusive man who after me filing for divorce eventually went after terrorising us. He had broken into the house many times when his life wasn’t rosy I had him arrested many times.

I was taken to court so he could have visits with the children he was eventually allowed a couple of hours a week. But he was drinking and driving when in charge of them frequenting pubs. I refused to let him take them and stood my ground the law though was on his side. I kept receiving letters that he was entitled to have them. I refused him access and they did not want to be with him so his visits stopped.

He persecuted me and followed me everywhere I got an injunction out against him to stay away. (I had never heard of Sarah’s law or Clare's law) in the early 90s. I think there is a lot more support out there now for abused women.
I remarried happily but even twenty years later I would not like to be near him. I think it’s best to surround yourself with family and friends and get support going to events to do with the children.

Seek advice from a doctor on coping with stress but you can cope really you have been brave so far. Look where you are now not with him I wish you well💐

ElaineI Mon 18-Oct-21 23:14:55

I expect your daughters know what he is like and what a d...head he is to speak of you like that to them and don't appreciate how he behaves to you. For your older daughter - arrange to see her and your grandchild when he is not there. The younger ones must be at least 10 and there is no need for you both to be at the school so you need to take it in turns. Take a friend or arrange to be with another parent in case he shows up on a day that isn't his day. I feel for you. DD2 has PTSD from her abuse and spent a day in a cupboard as she thought she heard him breaking in. She now has padlocked gates and a video doorbell and had help from the local police over what to do. It is horrible and so sorry you are in this situation.