My daughter who is in her 40’s, her husband, also in his 40’s and their lively one year old have been staying with us.
Have I forgotten what it was like to have a one year old charging around? She hates having her nappy changed, that takes both parents to do that every time on our sitting room floor and place soiled, wet disposable nappies onto the sofa where madam can’t reach!
Everything is a discussion or “ she doesn’t do bibs” or “she doesn’t do having her clothes put on”
She also, is never strapped into her high chair which she can easily climb out of.
My heart is in my mouth waiting for the next incident to occur.
My Sil constantly tells my husband and I how they are on holiday and therefore, in my books, does nothing at all.
We have waited on them hand and foot. Every day we are; shopping for food (ready for when their friends drop in to visit them), cooking, washing ( the cloths that are used to clean the babies bottom with) are washed at 90 degrees, the rest is done at 30 with specialist detergent. Clearing up after every meal etc because, they just get up and walk away from the table.
I know this sounds as if I am being a whinging Gran however, I am really enjoying the time with our grand child when we get the opportunity!
They have another 4 weeks of visiting other relatives and their friends. Good luck with that.
M0ira
I don’t have years left medically speaking. Can’t go into details, too distressing and just trying to get my head around it all myself!
Just noticed this. So sorry Moira. If your daughter knows there is absolutely no way to excuse their behaviour.
Someone suggested it might be hard to say something in case they don't come back. I doubt that would happen.
You both need to speak up.
Moira you and your OH need to be assertive. You can only be treated the way you let yourself be treated. And they sound so selfish.
I wouldn't tolerate it. .
When my family stay I pay for the local Premier Inn. This suits both of us. If you can afford to next time I would just say "I have rented a cottage / apartment. I think its best that way. It's too much being together the whole time. I'm not as energetic as I used to be and need a break." If you can't afford to do that you can still make it clear that they will have to do everything themselves as you and OH arent able to any longer. You need to break the habit of being a doormat. Don't let your daughter bully you.
Just stop doing their washing and clearing up. Just stop. It will soon be obvious it needs doing but not by Granny. Direct them to the freezer. I’d not expect my visitors to provide food. BUT - Perhaps order fish and chips and ask if they could collect it.
Being assertive is not easy and if it’s not your thing then be subtle. Just stop washing and clearing up particularly the dinner table.
It’s your place to be Granny and not maid.
Please let us know the outcome.
Yes, readsalot, I take after my mother. However, at least when I have a grumble on GN the advice given by others makes me strong enough to change.
I will say something to them, especially the safety aspect of the high chair. As an ex paediatric nurse I have seen too many babies/ toddlers injuries. Some life changing.
If you have a life restricting illness then they should be doing things for you. Do they know you are ill? If they do they should be ashamed of themselves.
I cannot believe you put up with that behaviour for a week, said nothing to either of them and then come here complaining. You have a martyr complex and need to change ASAP!
I know just how you feel, Moria.
My daughter had a baby in her late thirties. I was then 70years old at the time.
To say it was a shock to my system would be an exaggeration.
I hadn’t changed a nappy since my daughter was a baby. I had no idea what to do when looking after him.
I found nap times the most stressful as I had to creep around in order not to wake him up. And woe betide me if he didn’t get the correct amount of nap time.
Looking back, I guess we were both stressed out, but I hated the time when he was a baby. Nappy changing. Another stress fest. Horrible.
Now he is six years old and a lovely, lively little boy who I love to bits.
As the saying goes.. ‘This too shall Pass.’.
I just wouldn’t have them to stay again end of.
I think it’s reasonable to say regularly, in a breezy tone “X, just clear the table and pop the dish washer on, thanks”! You are not running a hotel. At this rate, you should be charging for service. They couldn’t just walk away from their mess and forget about it if they were in self catering accommodation ?
Lucca
Lilyflower
A week is far too long for a visit. One night, or at most, two can be tolerable.
Not if they live abroad it isn’t !
Exactly, of course some people here have no idea what it is like to have parents of AC who live abroad.
I truly feel for you OP- my parents used to come for 2-3 weeks at a time, and we used to stay with them for 2 weeks. When ACs come to visit us, it is always for at least one week, but when we go there, we make sure it is never more than 5 days max without a good break. BUT everyone mucks in- me when I am at theirs, they when they come here- same with friends and other relatives. We can never go out to a restaurant with GCs due to a life threatening allergy for grandson, and can't buy anything pre-prepared either. Everything is cooked fresh with good ingredients. Hard work- but again, everyone mucks in.
With friends and other relatives visits are on a 1-2-3 rosta. 1 night we cook, another night they cook (and buy!) and 3rd night we go out. Everyone knows it- we all help and it works.
And yet I know you are in an impossible situation, as if you say something, they will probably not take it well and say, ah well, if you can't be bothered, then we won't come again- which is dreadful especially if you are facing health issues. My heart goes out to you hugs.
But all those saying, ah well 'just' tell them, just present them with a bill, etc- have probably got no idea of the difficulties of visiting from abroad. And not everyone can afford to stay in Hôtels, B&B or rented cottage, etc!
It's another "my house my rules " case I think. If they had left a dirty nappy on the sofa, I would either have swiped it off and put it where it needed to be, while making a suitable comment, or produced a bin with a lid and put it next to them.
Shopping every day ? Make the use of ordering online for at least a weeks worth - no need to shop every day! If there isn't something that they want to eat, give them directions to the nearest shop so they can do it themselves - if they can't be bothered, they didn't want it anyway!
How stupid and irresponsible are they not to strap the child into the high chair?? They will soon change their minds when the inevitable happens!
Leaving the table, without helping to clear/ stack the dishwasher? Why oh why go many of us let them get away with it! Either be brave and ask them to do so as you cooked the meal or if you can bear it, leave the table as is, sit and have a drink and then clear later or you could do what my friend did and clear your own and leave theirs until the morning and see if they notice! (she also hid all the other crockery and cutlery so they only had that set to use!)
Lastly, before they leave, present them with a bill to cover all that you have done! This selfish couple obviously see you as a free hotel. Oh, and warn the other families they plan to stay with !!!
So this is for one week on an annual basis? Ok not great, but surely you can lead from experience and be ready for them next year? Asking for help clearing up, getting them to pop out for shopping etc. It would seem to be unreasonable.
Do they know about your medical condition? If they do shame on them leaving you do everything but next time they say they are visiting I would say that because of said condition you feel unable to host them in your home for more than a meal and perhaps they would consider booking a place to stay for a few days and you will have the energy to enjoy their visit. Plus you won't have host their friend visits as well. TBH they sound like a pair of free loaders and I will be very surprised if anyone will have them back to stay if they are like this with their other hosts.
Gabrielle56
#i only let her in
Why can't we edit posts?!
You can. Go to ‘ preview message’.
Hm. So they’re on holiday, are they? How nice for them. My parents and in-laws did the same. Or they came to “help” me when I was due to give birth. Which meant I had more work and cleaning after them and their friends who used my home as a base. Try asking for help. Say you’re tired. We’re not getting any younger. And you are not an unpaid servant.
this bad protocol re nappies and changing seems to be commonplace, almost acceptable, if you read MN.
dear Moira, take it easy. rest. relax.
will you be seeing them again before they go back ?
do they know of your health status.
perhaps mention that you will have to step back and leave them to look after themselves next time, or maybe a premier inn would be more convenient.
say that to them. they can be quite cheap if booked in advance. then you can all meet up for outings and meal.
you can then take on the status of friends they come to see, rather than acting as their staff.
Thinking back over fifty years, I used to let my dear MiL wait on me when the children were very young and am suitably ashamed. Always offered to help and wouldn’t have dreamt of not removing baby to bathroom for nappy changing either in her house or my own though - what a slut!
Next year’s visit will need Granny’s rules or the GC will be walking around with food, crayoning on the walls and other delights. Best prepare yourself and them.
I dont have an extra bedroom - its now my office - so I dont do house guests.
#i only let her in
Why can't we edit posts?!
I've had the revolting experience of seeing others change their little uns on a living room carpet/sofa/kitchen top (!?) But just once in my home. The idiot who changed her son's sopping terrynappy in my living room then hung it over my case next to my gas fire, asked me to put it on so she could dry it cos she didn't have another !!!!!!! She'd already invited herself to my house unannounced and this was the last straw! I quietly gave her a supermarket bag, told her to leave immediately and warned her never to speak to me again. I only leather in as she was deaf and I felt bad for her, why? Because I used to be bleeding soft! How the devil do these people stagger through life? Other than having everyone else run round them? I would go on strike and tell them to sling their hooks!
Moira I am so very sorry to hear that you’re not well. Have you told the family about this? They should be taking care of you, not causing so much extra work and stress. I assume your son and daughter in law live abroad as they are having a long holiday so I can understand your wish to see as much of them, and give them as nice a time, as you can. Do make sure you look after yourself too, perhaps have a little break once they have gone? Sending you a hug, very best wishes and some ?.
I have a saying "Guests are like fish, they stink after three days".
If you don't come from a confrontational family then it is very difficult to be rude to guests in your own home. Quite true the guests are at fault but winning the battle and losing the war would leave you stressed and unhappy after instigating the confrontation. I would just bite the bullet, sit down when you are tired and count off the days until they leave.
The next time they want to come your husband can contact them and say that you are no longer strong enough to cope with looking after guests. Ours stay in a local Premier Inn. If booked early enough it is not expensive. Everyone gets some down time and can be kind and thoughtful to each other when they come for meals and quality time.
Had they rented a cottage for their holiday who would be shopping, cooking etc for their friends visiting. They are taking advantage of you. Bet you are paying for the shopping too. Tell them to take their visitors (they are not yours) out to eat. Inconsiderate, selfish couple who have no regards for you or your home.
Sadly it looks as if you’re going to have to have a word with the parents, you are not running a boarding house and deserve more respect from them. I have noticed that many grown up children revert to expecting “Mummy” to look after them again. One friend got fed up with being (free) holiday childcare that she organised a holiday for herself one August - o boy did her arrogant, selfish son kick off. (I call this bullying). We love our children and grandchildren but it’s our responsibility to ensure we’re not taken advantage of - easier said than done I know. If they want to come again you could say that you have just had a positive Covid test! Good luck.
M0ira
I don’t have years left medically speaking. Can’t go into details, too distressing and just trying to get my head around it all myself!
So sad to hear this MOira, but even more reason for you to reign this in.
I can appreciate you want to spend time with the people you love...but not like this, and surely your daughter should be more understanding of you.
Talk to them, and all the best ?
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