My daughter-in-law dominates my son

Excellent post EMM "far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants".

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

Of course it wouldn't, it seems that the sexist hypocrisy of other sites is alive and well here too. It does appear that in many households the female rules the roost, along with her family. The male is expected to 'support' her, ie agree with whatever she says, irrespective of his own opinions. The fact remains that where there are children the woman has the whip hand, far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants.

That sounds like a plan reader then leave it to them to sort out
Good luck

Thanks to everyone- I’m taking in the fact that he needs to address the problem with his wife. He works in senior management and I’ve therefore decided to say just one thing to him:“You’re a professional negotiator, use your skills”.

Some men are just lazy/ can’t be bothered and leave a lot, if not all decisions to their wives. This gets to be a habit, the wife takes responsibility and takes the lead and the husband has an easy life.
I bet most wives would be happy to share the load, but when they always hear ‘I don’t mind’ ‘ or ‘ it’s up to you to decide’ they have little choice but to make the decisions.
I am not saying this is the position with your son and wife but he really needs to talk with his wife. Try not to get involved.

He must sort it out himself
You say she is a wonderful mother and has always made all the decisions Well seven years of him accepting that behaviour has made it acceptable for her to continuing wearing the trousers
If he had wanted it differently he should have been more assertive from the beginning He was happy to go along with it so somethings has now changed in him bug he needs to talk to her and tell her what needs to change
It’s all very well unloading on his dad but that won’t help the situation only he can change it not you or his dad and all it’s done is make you and his dad more worried and unhappy

I have to agree with others on here Readerjb you and your husband are offering support and a listening ear for your son and that is all you should do at the moment. It's up to your son to make his own decisions about his life.
It's so hard when we can't resolve things for our adult children as we did when they were young.

Are men who can't assert themselves actually attractive to some women?

Your DH's ear may be all DS needed. He is choosing his path, presumably she doesn't have him tied up and cloistered. Some friends think I make all decisions, I don't. But people outside my home could see that fact differently.

If he is that unhappy, he can decide what to do

My husband and I often cringe at the way our dil occasionally talks to our son. We have learned not to comment and hopefully she gets the message that we do not like it and will not get involved. She can be moody and judgemental, but nice and supposedly caring at others, but we do wonder if at these times she is merely saying what she thinks we would like to hear. Her opinions change! We remain neutral but if our son does have a word on his own we tell him he needs to be more assertive, but never criticise dil.

We are not confrontational and our children have grown up in a supportive family where we will always be there for them, to help out practically if they want us. Our son works hard and is a fantastic father, and certainly does his bit around the house but, like his father, does not like arguments and perhaps needs to be more assertive and have stronger opinions. However, the couple have to work things out for themselves. They knew what each was like before they married and it is early days.

Just keep listening and supporting his needs and decisions but try not to say anything negative about DIL because sometimes that goes horribly wrong.

His happiness is his responsibility and you can't fix this for him

There's nothing you can say or do to make it better. It's up to him to decide what action, if any, he wants to take. So hard to stand back but there's no magic wand to be waved. He needs to find ways to assert himself, it's not really something that can be done for him. He has offloaded onto his father, now maybe he can see things clearer. Divorce causes a lot of misery too.

He has to sort it out himself, he could tell his wife whatever it was that he told his father.

In the kindest way, he needs to grow a pair.

It’s a rare marriage where neither party is ever unhappy with the other at some point for some time.

I’m not saying it’s fine to live in a miserable marriage but perhaps your son was venting to his dad as a way of managing his feelings. If he is really unhappy 100% of the time he will find a way out. He and his wife probably have an equilibrium that now and again tips more one way than the other.
I think the hardest part about being the parent to adults is not being able to fix anything they are going through.

No...sadly you can’t. He picked her, and knew presumably, her mother was the same.

He has to be a man and deal with this. Perhaps he should speak to his father in law? I imagine he had the same problem, perhaps with his mother worrying.

Leave well alone, otherwise you could end up being the bad guy!

It is difficult when you know that one of your adult offspring is unhappy.

The central thing here is that the OP should voice no criticism of her DIL - if her son decides to stay with her then you will be in a very awkward situation going forward.

You can be a listening ear, but have to confine your statements to neutral ones that mean he knows you are there for him - nothing more. e.g. "I am sorry that things aren't good for you at the moment - I think you need to talk this over together."

Something similar happened with my DD many years ago and I kept my comments neutral, whilst also making it clear I was there for her. They have now been married for many years and have 3 lovely children and a happy family life. So I am glad I kept the lip zipped.

I know it is hard, but it is for him to sort out. Please keep out of it.

'Bullying', a model mother? A dreadful mother IMO. Very little you can do readerjb. Thank goodness your son is talking to your husband. While he does that there is hope for him. He needs to get the confidence to tackle it head on for himself. Unfortunately one of our sons is ruled by his wife. He actually once shouted at us, 'What do you expect me to do. Leave her and never see my children again?' We thought that says it all. He knows his wife would do everything possible to keep him away from his children if he left. Tread very carefully and do not do or say anything to your son which may stop him talking to you and seeing you.

sf101

Well said Peasblossom, the person he needs to be talking to is his wife!!

Judging by her comments following the counselling session she isn't prepared to listen to anyone........apart from herself.

In your position, if you know that he felt that previous counselling sessions were beneficial, I would suggest without criticising your d.i.l. in anyway, that he seriously consider having some more on his own. Doing so may give him coping mechanisms and the self confidence if that is lacking, to assert himself in the relationship.

Definitely this, Readerjb - excellent advice.

Personally, I would be concerned about the GC in this situation. What kind of messages are they receiving from their mothers behaviour?

The son feels his wife over rules him and it makes him unhappy.
The only solution is for him to stand up to her.
He knows it. You know it.
No-one can solve this situation other than him, and his wife.

Excellent post Smileless.

He has to decide for himself when enough is enough.

It's a huge step to break up, so all you can do is be there for him to offload (without interfering) and hope that he does what makes him happy.

Great advice from PerserverencePays. It's so hard knowing that someone you love is unhappy Readerjb but apart from being there to listen if and when he wants to talk there's nothing you can do.

This is his relationship and only he can improve his position within it.

Coercive control should never be underestimated, nor should the fact that men can be a victim just as much as women.

In your position, if you know that he felt that previous counselling sessions were beneficial, I would suggest without criticising your d.i.l. in anyway, that he seriously consider having some more on his own. Doing so may give him coping mechanisms and the self confidence if that is lacking, to assert himself in the relationship.

"And she's not a great mother if she's modelling bullying". I agree PerserverencePays.