Strained relationship with son.

If he can put the phone down on you, then you can do the same to him if he is being aggressive. Just say "I don't deserve to be spoken to in that manner, so I am ending this conversation now" and hand up immediately without giving him time to respond with even more vitriol. If he is rude to your face, then just turn your back on him and walk away - he will probably follow and continue shouting. People like him hate to be ignored. My friend has a son who was just like yours and she used say she would listen to him when he spoke to her with the respect any human deserved, then she would stop what she was doing, put her fingers in her ears and calmly sit down. He would almost explode with frustration, but it eventually did the job and his behaviour improved. He is acting like a 3 year old spoilt brat and needs treating like one.

Chinesecrested

If your son is as nasty to his wife as he is to you, I can't see the marriage lasting very much longer. Your Dil will rely you even more to help with the dgc so you need to stay on good terms with her, whilst standing apart from the DS. He'll soon find himself out on a limb if he doesn't change his ways

i agree with this, so i don't think you have to worry about having contact with the GC.
your son sounds like an arrogant, self-centred, entitled plank.
doubt his wife will put up with it much longer, nor should she.
just give him a wide berth. don't engage.
and put your partner first. he cares for you and supports you.
your son doesn't care less. he just expects you to be a doormat.

OP

Your son does seem to have an attitude problem.

In another post, you were overprotective as you did overwrite his feedback and asked your dil who gave you the answer you were looking for

Has it happened more often or is it a one time incident?

You have the right to set up your own boundaries.

I wonder if he’s suffering from stress. I would have minimal contact with him and try to avoid confrontation, you need to be there for dil and children, let him get on with it, if he was rude to me, I would tell him not to, ask if he has a problem, then get away from the situation, you don’t want estrangement like I have.

If your son is as nasty to his wife as he is to you, I can't see the marriage lasting very much longer. Your Dil will rely you even more to help with the dgc so you need to stay on good terms with her, whilst standing apart from the DS. He'll soon find himself out on a limb if he doesn't change his ways

Sorry, but I have to say that your son is acting like a spoilt brat !
You said that it all started after you told him that you wanted a day to spend with your partner rather than be at his beck and call 7 days a week.
There might be a bit of jealousy at play here.
Were you always available before you got together with your partner? If you were, maybe he is having a hard time believing that you do have a life as well as one revolving round him !
Someone that always believes they are right are often very insecure people - if they lose a friend, it's the other person's fault, not their attitude.
Stick to your guns - even if it means that you and your partner leave the house and go out for the day and when he kicks off asking why you weren't home, don't rise to it and just say that you had somewhere to go, Don't even say where. If he threatens to stop the GCs seeing you, don't even reply - he will come off worse if he has to look for an alternative babysitter(that his wife will not want) . If he shouts in front of the children, just speak quietly in return. Hopefully he will eventually realise that trying to bully you won't work

And some grandparents jump through too many hoops to be able to keep seeing the grandchildren. I get that to an extent. But it’s an abusive son? No way. He thinks he holds all the cards and is manipulating your kindness. If he says ‘jump’ you’ll ask him ‘how high?’. Have some pride in yourself. Give him notice that if he doesn’t change his attitude he’d best find another (expensive) childminder. His choice.

Edge, there has been some good advice given. I would say though that if you tell him he has been rude, or thoughtless or any other accusation it will cause more harm than good. He will feel you don't respect him as an adult. Correcting his behavior is now his spouse's job. He needs to know how you feel though. That you feel insulted and taken for granted. When he chastises you for something like not answering a text, it does no good to apologize or give reasons.
Instead, complement him on his ability to see other's mistakes and say you will try to do better. Make it your fault (even though it isn't) and he might respond better. As for having time to yourself, just say you lack the strength to see others everyday. If he insist, hold your ground: "No, I just am not able to do that." Adding a "sorry" is counterproductive.

Too often, AC do take their parents for granted and fail to give them the same level of respect they would a total stranger. The AC doesn't recognize that their words and actions are causing their parent emotional distress and hardship. They see us with time on our hands and a desire to help them out, just as they always have. I think we are all hardwired this way. Help you AC know what you are feeling by showing some vulnerability. Point out to him that being called things like "wicked" hurts so much that you could never have anything to do with any other person that caused you so much pain - so its a good thing you love him, but please stop hurting you.

I also see parents treated like door mats when it comes to their AC's demands. Boundaries work both ways. Set some and stick to them. He'll either learn to accept them, or the relationship will continue to deteriorate. There is only so much you can do.

notgran,
I have worked where I have had abusive callers on the end of the phone and have the greatest pleasure in cutting the call. You are correct in everything you have said. Because he is my son I have tried to hope that he will change , but know deep down he never will.
I know I have got to decide which path to go down but because of my GS's that is going to be so difficult, as i cannot imagine never seeing them or talking to them at all. The saying goes, you can love your children because they are yours, but you don't like them as as person is so true.

I never can understand why people take phone calls when the caller is rude. All my life at work or in my own time, if someone (husband, children, Boss etc) anyone, is on the phone saying things you don't want to hear, you put the phone down. You have all the power, why would you voluntarily hold a phone where vitriol is being spouted. You have the choice not to listen. If you are later challenged on this just say I choose not to listen to you. You are my son and I do not deserve your disrespect. No more discussion. If it's in your property he must leave. Your relationship is bad already and you are rewarding it by looking after his children and letting him be disrespectful to you and your partner. Think seriously what is wrong with the current picture?

DiscoDancer75,
Your reply is so right. DIL knows how I feel, and yes she finds him difficult as well. At the moment I have blocked his number so he can't call me .

Bluebells and Vera,
I will always be there for my GS's, and look after them as DIL has to work, but I don't mind that at all. I do try and arrange things more with DIL but sometimes it isn't always possible.
DiscoDancer75, your words are so right and my DIL knows how I feel as I have told her many times.

Sorry, but your son sounds like an absolute n*b. Sorry. I wonder what goes on in his house behind closed doors. At least you get on with your DIL and grandchildren. I would carry on doing your grandchild minding but through DIL not your son. The next time he is rude, simply say you won’t be spoken to like that and out the phone down. In the meantime, has he got an undiagnosed problem like autism, do you think?

He needs to grow up.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DIL. Does she know how you feel? Does she also find your son difficult?

It seems a shame to stop looking after your grandchildren, as it sounds like they love you very much, and you them.

If it were me....I would say I’m fed up of him and his behaviour, and I want as little contact with him as possible, until he learns to be respectful. I would concentrate on the children, and their mother, and this is the only reason I’m still here putting up with this s..t!

He needs to grow up by the sounds of it, and you need to have your own life. Your partner is right, don’t put him ( your partner) on the back burner, you could lose him totally.

Hope it works out for you.

I'm so glad it isn't drugs (I hope you weren't offended by my asking) or financial problems. I wonder if you would be able to have a quiet word with your dil about things, on the basis that she doesn't tell him you've spoken with her?

If this all started because you and your partner just wanted one day a week to yourselves then it's clear he is very possessive and jealous of anyone else having your attention, in which case I would expect he is the same with your dil? If so I wonder if she would be able to suggest counselling to him? Though he doesn't sound like he'd agree.

I certainly wouldn't give up looking after your grandchildren or he may stop you seeing them altogether, and you and your partner have the opportunity to show them that not everyone shouts and is angry - you don't want them growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat anyone.

Edge26

Poppyred,
This started when I told my Son myself and my partner wanted to spend time to ourselves one day a week ( Sunday ). He took the hump and said he should be allowed to come whenever he wants. He's never forgotten it and blames my partner, hence the fallout between them. My son says I should put them first.

Thanks for explaining Edge26. He sounds jealous of your partner and “wants his mummy all to himself”. I would do as others have advised. Call him out every time he is rude to you, don’t answer the phone to him. Deal only through your DIL

You are entitled to your own time with your partner. Good luck.

I agree with V3ra don't stop looking after your grandchildren as it's beneficial all round and your daughter in law obviously appreciates what you do.
Stop any conversation with your son if he is being abusive as BlueBelle said.
It's a difficult situation for you but your partner deserves some support too.

What a horrible situation for you Edge26.
I'd say keep looking after your grandsons if you enjoy doing that, there's no point cutting them off when they've done nothing wrong. However I'd say communicate only with your daughter-in-law, not your son. She must be unhappy at how he treats you as well, though it sounds as if the two of you have a good relationship and she's glad of your help.
If your son phones then let it go to voicemail and deal with it in your own good time.
Stick to your guns about Sundays being for you and your long-suffering partner.
Does your son struggle to cope with the children at home? That's for him and his wife to resolve.
It's time your son realised he's left home and he needs to stand on his own two feet.
And he needs to treat you with respect for the adult you are: you may still be his mother but you're not his "mummy" any more.

Shouting a lot at small children is damaging. Especially boys who can learn to see that as normal male behaviour.
His wife may also suffer from his behaviour too. Have you been able to talk to her about it?
If he wants to change he can seek help but it doesn’t seem he thinks he has a problem.

I think I’d say ‘watch your mouth or I’m giving you notice on the childminding front and don’t think I don’t mean it. It will hit you in the wallet so you’d best smarten up’.

Germansheperdsmum,
He's never took drugs, he's got a good job, no money worries, but his personality is not good. I know he's fallen out with a lot of people including family as he thinks he is always in the right. I know he shouts a lot in front of my GS's but I don't interfer with that side of things.

Only you know how you feel, we can only imagine but constant criticism and rudeness will have a negative effect on you and your well being and as your gcs grow they may learn it’s ok to be rude to grandma.
It’s a horrible position to be in.
I think the advice to say stop, as someone mentioned is worth a try if you havnt done so already.
Mo one deserves this. I wish you well.

I feel so sad reading this and the way your son is treating you,I would tend to not be available for childcare and see how they cope then,it is totally unexpectable behavior can your OH not speak to him and put him right on his manners and how you both expect to be treated.

mumofmadboys,
I have tried all of these to no avail. He does get stressed sometimes but I am not his reason to take things . out of. To be honest I don't think things will ever improve.