Strained relationship with son.

You have answered your own question by saying you can’t stand it any more.
I am sorry, it’s hard but his rude and disrespectful behaviour is not acceptable.

They rely on you for childcare so would normally want to keep you onside. Ax difficult as it is, in your shoes I am not sure I could carry on putting myself in this most upsetting situation.
How does he treat his wife? The rest of the family?

I am sorry you are having a bad time. Is your son stressed and taking it out on you? Can you be more assertive and say something like ' Stop right there and do not be rude to me please' if he starts. Say it firmly but don't shout and possibly put your palm up like a policeman to reinforce the Stop. Then repeat it or something similar each time. Hope things improve. Remember you are not a doormat and you are worthy of respect.

You say this started 18 months ago. Why? Did something happen to upset him? (Not that it’s any excuse). More information please.

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation for you. Does he treat other people like this or just you and your partner? Does he have problems at work, or financially? Dare I ask, and forgive me for doing so, is he taking some substance which causes this anger? I think mumofmadboys gives good advice. It's not a good thing for your grandchildren to see their father behaving like this either, does he do it at home?

Poppyred,
This started when I told my Son myself and my partner wanted to spend time to ourselves one day a week ( Sunday ). He took the hump and said he should be allowed to come whenever he wants. He's never forgotten it and blames my partner, hence the fallout between them. My son says I should put them first.

Don’t cut off your help you love your little grandkids and obviously that helps you as well as them AND your daughter in law obviously appreciates you
If this is changed behaviour and not normal to him then something has changed him so can you pin point anything that happened 18 months ago?
Drugs can make people aggressive especially if they are coming ‘down’ or stress at work, or within the marriage ?
I think it’s really important to work out if it’s just you or if he’s like this to everyone
Can you do more of the arranging through your daughter in law for a bit ? and as others have said next time he gets arsy tell him in a very calm voice I m going to stop this conversation now as I don’t appreciate the way you’re speaking to me and shut it down don’t stay to be verbally abused

Sorry just seen how it started it wasn’t there when I posted
Well he s behaving like a spoilt jealous child so all the more reason to be quietly assertive and do the arranging through your daughter in law if you can

mumofmadboys,
I have tried all of these to no avail. He does get stressed sometimes but I am not his reason to take things . out of. To be honest I don't think things will ever improve.

I feel so sad reading this and the way your son is treating you,I would tend to not be available for childcare and see how they cope then,it is totally unexpectable behavior can your OH not speak to him and put him right on his manners and how you both expect to be treated.

Only you know how you feel, we can only imagine but constant criticism and rudeness will have a negative effect on you and your well being and as your gcs grow they may learn it’s ok to be rude to grandma.
It’s a horrible position to be in.
I think the advice to say stop, as someone mentioned is worth a try if you havnt done so already.
Mo one deserves this. I wish you well.

Germansheperdsmum,
He's never took drugs, he's got a good job, no money worries, but his personality is not good. I know he's fallen out with a lot of people including family as he thinks he is always in the right. I know he shouts a lot in front of my GS's but I don't interfer with that side of things.

I think I’d say ‘watch your mouth or I’m giving you notice on the childminding front and don’t think I don’t mean it. It will hit you in the wallet so you’d best smarten up’.

Shouting a lot at small children is damaging. Especially boys who can learn to see that as normal male behaviour.
His wife may also suffer from his behaviour too. Have you been able to talk to her about it?
If he wants to change he can seek help but it doesn’t seem he thinks he has a problem.

What a horrible situation for you Edge26.
I'd say keep looking after your grandsons if you enjoy doing that, there's no point cutting them off when they've done nothing wrong. However I'd say communicate only with your daughter-in-law, not your son. She must be unhappy at how he treats you as well, though it sounds as if the two of you have a good relationship and she's glad of your help.
If your son phones then let it go to voicemail and deal with it in your own good time.
Stick to your guns about Sundays being for you and your long-suffering partner.
Does your son struggle to cope with the children at home? That's for him and his wife to resolve.
It's time your son realised he's left home and he needs to stand on his own two feet.
And he needs to treat you with respect for the adult you are: you may still be his mother but you're not his "mummy" any more.

I agree with V3ra don't stop looking after your grandchildren as it's beneficial all round and your daughter in law obviously appreciates what you do.
Stop any conversation with your son if he is being abusive as BlueBelle said.
It's a difficult situation for you but your partner deserves some support too.

Edge26

Poppyred,
This started when I told my Son myself and my partner wanted to spend time to ourselves one day a week ( Sunday ). He took the hump and said he should be allowed to come whenever he wants. He's never forgotten it and blames my partner, hence the fallout between them. My son says I should put them first.

Thanks for explaining Edge26. He sounds jealous of your partner and “wants his mummy all to himself”. I would do as others have advised. Call him out every time he is rude to you, don’t answer the phone to him. Deal only through your DIL

You are entitled to your own time with your partner. Good luck.

I'm so glad it isn't drugs (I hope you weren't offended by my asking) or financial problems. I wonder if you would be able to have a quiet word with your dil about things, on the basis that she doesn't tell him you've spoken with her?

If this all started because you and your partner just wanted one day a week to yourselves then it's clear he is very possessive and jealous of anyone else having your attention, in which case I would expect he is the same with your dil? If so I wonder if she would be able to suggest counselling to him? Though he doesn't sound like he'd agree.

I certainly wouldn't give up looking after your grandchildren or he may stop you seeing them altogether, and you and your partner have the opportunity to show them that not everyone shouts and is angry - you don't want them growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat anyone.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DIL. Does she know how you feel? Does she also find your son difficult?

It seems a shame to stop looking after your grandchildren, as it sounds like they love you very much, and you them.

If it were me....I would say I’m fed up of him and his behaviour, and I want as little contact with him as possible, until he learns to be respectful. I would concentrate on the children, and their mother, and this is the only reason I’m still here putting up with this s..t!

He needs to grow up by the sounds of it, and you need to have your own life. Your partner is right, don’t put him ( your partner) on the back burner, you could lose him totally.

Hope it works out for you.

He needs to grow up.

Sorry, but your son sounds like an absolute n*b. Sorry. I wonder what goes on in his house behind closed doors. At least you get on with your DIL and grandchildren. I would carry on doing your grandchild minding but through DIL not your son. The next time he is rude, simply say you won’t be spoken to like that and out the phone down. In the meantime, has he got an undiagnosed problem like autism, do you think?

Bluebells and Vera,
I will always be there for my GS's, and look after them as DIL has to work, but I don't mind that at all. I do try and arrange things more with DIL but sometimes it isn't always possible.
DiscoDancer75, your words are so right and my DIL knows how I feel as I have told her many times.

DiscoDancer75,
Your reply is so right. DIL knows how I feel, and yes she finds him difficult as well. At the moment I have blocked his number so he can't call me .

I never can understand why people take phone calls when the caller is rude. All my life at work or in my own time, if someone (husband, children, Boss etc) anyone, is on the phone saying things you don't want to hear, you put the phone down. You have all the power, why would you voluntarily hold a phone where vitriol is being spouted. You have the choice not to listen. If you are later challenged on this just say I choose not to listen to you. You are my son and I do not deserve your disrespect. No more discussion. If it's in your property he must leave. Your relationship is bad already and you are rewarding it by looking after his children and letting him be disrespectful to you and your partner. Think seriously what is wrong with the current picture?

notgran,
I have worked where I have had abusive callers on the end of the phone and have the greatest pleasure in cutting the call. You are correct in everything you have said. Because he is my son I have tried to hope that he will change , but know deep down he never will.
I know I have got to decide which path to go down but because of my GS's that is going to be so difficult, as i cannot imagine never seeing them or talking to them at all. The saying goes, you can love your children because they are yours, but you don't like them as as person is so true.