Am I being unreasonable here?

I’d be more concerned about your husband going through your bag and filing cabinet behind your back, than the gift-giving, but overall the picture isn’t a happy one.

It was ever thus with my late husband .....SO I bought my OWN presents.....took myself off for lunch somewhere nice ...one year ha ha I even bought a birthday card and asked him to sign in ................then I went on holiday on my own as he refused to go anywhere except the DIY shop.......simples......

Thanks@Vanecam. One of the few sensible replies and yes all I asked was if I was being unreasonable.

I would be unable to resist taking such a tightwad to task about his mean behaviour- certainly would never have stumped up half the cash for my own present or treated him to a holiday for his! He sounds completely joyless and life is about joys, large or small, we all deserve a few! As for going through my things I would be boiling with rage-how on earth do you manage to not take him severely to task for such rudeness?! I couldn’t live like that! I am divorced and absolutely prefer being alone than putting up with my ex’s inconsiderate behaviour as I just about managed to for nearly thirty years! (And that was far too long!)

mines just asked me where the presents are of him to me to wrap. I didn't buy any for me so his face is a picture now the shops are shut, I don't care tbh but he's that used to me sorting it all

You should say this to him, not Gransnet! Choose a time that isn't Christmas or birthday and let him know how you feel.

Another thread about married couples’ going halves’. Don’t understand this at all, it’s just odd.

However, on another thread I said it’s fine if it suits everyone. It clearly doesn’t here, so Jezra, you are the only one who can change this.

My husband is a useless present buyer but he surprises me with kind and thoughtful gestures most days.
Not everyone is 'into' Christmas and Birthdays. Perhaps your husband does little things that you've got used to and therefore overlook.
If not, then maybe it's time to tell him how you feel.

I wonder if his up bringing has something to do with his mean
unthoughful attitude,sometimes people turn into their parents.
Forget paying for his hols etc,arrange to go away with a friend
and treat yourself kindly.

OP, wait until after Christmas Holidays then have a talk with your husband. If you want to change things, or are unhappy you need to speak with him. Don't spoil your Christmas though. One thing I don't understand is the money situation. Myself and my spouse don't have your money/my money. We have a joint account as we are a team. We do have some separate savings, but in the main, our money like our lives is joint. As a suggestion one thing we do before Christmas, is give each other a wee list of suggestions for a gift. We have never been extravagant as Christmas doesn't need to be. Gifts Ive suggested have been perhaps a book, or a nice bottle of perfume. It's a small gesture but it's nice to have something to look forward to. Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Yet again so many Gransnet posters, from the evidence of a mere couple of paragraphs, and as if by instinct, reach out for the Divorce button.

The o/p only asks “am I being unreasonable” for goodness sake!

Would these posters give similar advice upon such scant information to their daughters??

Sounds like you don't value yourself, otherwise you might not still be with this man, and/or you would not be asking this question. It's not good enough - you know that. If he's not going to change then the only change will come from you. what can you do differently, to give yourself something to enjoy? It may be a sad thing to face up to, but ultimately you'll feel better if you don't keep focusing on what's not going to happen. Maybe try couple counselling, in order to have more chance that he HEARS you? Otherwise, look after yourself, and warmest wishes.

Why not forget presents altogether and go on separate holidays. That way the pressure is off you both.

icanhandthemback

I'm with Urmstongran about communication. I can't imagine going along with something for years that made me unhappy so I began to feel resentful. Surely it would be better to discuss the issue calmly and without blame.
Did you ask your husband what he was looking for when searching your handbag?

... and what would his reaction be if he found her going through his wallet?

I would book yourself a holiday. Print out these replies to your question and put them in the filing cabinet (for him to rifle through and find) whilst you are away. Then see if anything changes once you return!

I'm with Urmstongran about communication. I can't imagine going along with something for years that made me unhappy so I began to feel resentful. Surely it would be better to discuss the issue calmly and without blame.
Did you ask your husband what he was looking for when searching your handbag?

What an awfully mean husband, that you have to pay for your own birthday treat. Meanness is a very unattractive trait in a friend or partner and I wonder what redeeming qualities he has which makes you stay. As for trying to break into your filing cabinet, words almost fail me. I'd be very unhappy if I was in your situation.

I once read an interesting book called The Five Languages of Love. It was about how people express their love in different ways: acts of service ( cooking, putting out bins, housework); giving gifts; physical touching; quality time; and words of affirmation. If your husband just has a different emphasis on how he expresses his love, maybe you have already accepted that. It does sound, however, as though you haven't accepted it and would like things to be very different. You probably wouldn't have posted here if it wasn't a big issue for you - and it seems to go well beyond the approach to presents. It's not up to any of us to think we know what your marriage is like or try to tell you what to do. Some folk here obviously recognise behaviour similar to what they've experienced and some have accepted it. Finding your husband going through your papers, especially if it's furtive and not just openly trying to find an important document, is probably more worrying. You maybe need to have an honest think about your marriage and talk to a friend or counsellor. At the very least to find strategies for yourself to deal with the behaviours he won't change and hopefully to find strategies for having honest discussions with him to change things for the better. Good luck whatever you decide.

Buy something you really want online, using his bank card and address the parcel to him. He's no option but to give you it then and you also know it's something you really want.

I think in your position OP, I would research the holiday that I would like for my birthday, then, assuming he can use a computer, give him a note with the web page, all the details that he will need to book it, and at the end write 'unless you book this, I will be divorcing you!' Then if he doesn't book it, you'll know exactly how he feels about you and your marriage, and the next step becomes clear. Good luck for the future, and here's hoping you have a Happy Christmas.

Why are you still with this man as you don’t seem to trust him. You say you feel uncherished. If I had a partner like this, I would resent him big time. He has a full year to think of a birthday present and a Christmas present no matter how small. A bunch of flowers he could pick up anywhere.

‘If you always do what you’ve always done then you’ll always get what you’ve always got’
If you settle for nothing that’s what you’ll get.
Just treat yourself.
Get him a magazine subscription like ‘The Oldie’ then you can read it too.
He possibly doesn’t realise you’re so upset.

No. .. he sounds horrible

Maybe he's 'going through your stuff' to look for bank statements etc?It seems a very poor setup of a marriage to me- making you pay for things for birthday etc and no presents?and him rooting through your things- could it be he has money troubles and is seeking evidence/details of what you have?? I would be very careful with things- lock up your filing cabinets, and even the room/study they are in.Maybe then you could have a holiday without him? If he's treating you like that and there's no redeeming quality at all tbh I'd divorce him if it was me- he's treating you worse than you would treat staff, or a lodger- everyones entitled to their privacy, and respect, you don't seem to have either.Or any true 'marriage' feelings from him.

I agree he is tight, my dad was the same but he was a lovely man. I would buy something for myself and wrap it up to embarrass him