Am I being unreasonable here?

I think you’re on the wrong threadChris or getting muddled up your post doesn’t relate to this problem

My mum and daughter used to get cross with me for not just deciding on a present.
I really can't see the point of having something I feel only lukewarm about.

My DH asks DD what I would like- rejects the suggestions and gets something I would never choose

My husband and I gave up giving each other gifts a long time ago so there are no expectations no resentments.

Perhaps this is why I’m single- I couldn’t put up with some of the thoughtless/selfish/boorish men moaned about on here!

to go halves according to him, so I feel that I’m ….

I don’t get the go halves bit…. As a couple don’t you just share everything? Me and my late husband had one account and no permission was needed to use whatever was in it.

Certainly seems to be a lack of consideration and trust in your marriage Jezra
Things are not likely to change now so I think you either have to call it quits or stop feeling resentful and organise treats and holidays for yourself without involving him. The lack of trust would be a deal breaker for me.

I am sure he has some good qualities, important enough for you to have married him. No husband/partner is perfect. In my own experience, I focused on the qualities in him that were important to me and made my own life. I thought it a good trade off and always remember him as a good man.

Good grief! Do either of you understand marriage? Seems like business partnership trying to keep the the books balanced. Rifling through your filing cabinet! You have a filing cabinet for him to rifle through. Couldn't live like that, tit for tat would drive me mad.

I do wonder why women stay with men like this....

jezra

Why is he going through your files and handbag when he thinks you're not around?

I think you need to talk - and not just about presents and holidays.

No, absolutely not! How on earth have you put up with this?

So what keeps you married to a person who it appears expects you dance to their tune.

Mine says that I am too difficult to buy presents for. Even if I tell him EXACTLY what I would like he picks something not quite the same.

He gives you less than £3 a day pocket money - if you divorced him you would get half of any income including his pensions as you have been together so long. I wouldn`t bother nicking the cheque I would be seeing a solicitor.

Suppose it’s down to who has the most money. Maybe it’s worth considering opening a bank account for holiday funds each paying in same every month then everything would be fair and square. That way neither of you will have to dig deep into your own resources.

Why are you booking a holiday for his birthday? Book one for your own birthday - and tell him you are going alone or with a friend and explain why. Like others I don't understand the his and her money idea. Marriage is a partnership with everything shared. I assume you have tried having a conversation with him about your feelings - if not, do so asap. If he has to be "forced" to book a meal or some other treat then he obviously doesn't enjoy them - go alone or find a friend who will enjoy them with you

Urmstongran

Yes, the searching through your stuff is strange behaviour. A bit weird quite honestly.

... agree. That's the bit that got me, too...

As a gross generalisation, women care about presents, men don’t. If he’s generally a kind man, do you want to make this a deal-breaker?

Does he have any redeeming features?

You are certainly NOT being unreasonable. He sounds like a real piece of work! Treat yourself on all occasions , just for putting up with him . You deserve more.

You say in the o/p “My DH doesn’t buy me a Christmas present”

You omit to say whether you buy DH a Christmas present.

Would it be fairer and more accurate to announce instead that “we don’t buy or exchange presents”

Sounds like my husband. No cards, gifts, flowers or anything.
He does pay all the bills though.

Why on earth did you ever agree to all his self centred arrangements in the first place? He's neither caring nor aware of others. Treat him as he treats you and see if you get any response. Keep on like you have done and you certainly won't.

My husband is a bit like this too, so was my father. Birthdays don't mean anything to DH and he genuinely does not see why I would be disappointed at him not remembering mine.

Those of you who say that resenting this attitude does no good, are quite right in my opinion.

I decided long ago, that if I wanted a treat on my birthday, or on our wedding anniversary, I would have to plan it, so that is what I do.

This year we decided well in advance that we would only give each other small birthday and Christmas presents. The reason for this was that we used a considerable sum during the summer on buy things like a new lawn-mower and hedge clipper, both of which we badly needed.

They were quite expensive, and as we only have my pension to live on, d (long story, which I won't go into here as it isn't relevant) we have to be careful with money.

Actually, this attitude to presents seems to be paying dividends - there are currently four parcels for me under our Christmas tree! And I haven't heard one moan, "I don't know what to get you." from DH either this year!

So my advice is, try to accept that anniversaries don't mean anything to your husbands, plan your own treats, and remember what it is that makes us love these men.

I hope you all have a happy Christmas even if you do have to go out and buy your own present after Christmas!